Cyberbu//y (2011)

This movie was hella dumb. Like anytime I'm on Tumblr and I see that screencap of Tyler, the Creator's twitter saying something how cyberbullying doesn't exist you just need to log off or something (but like more horribly put and in ALL CAPS), I roll my eyes because that's mad insensitive and dismissive and the internet is real life. But lol ummmmmm I kinda felt that way when I was watching this? Like, bitch, just log off??? 

Maybe because it was a cheesy ABC Family movie so I couldn't take it seriously?? So okay, this mess stars Haley Joel Osment's less ugly and bloated little sister Emily. She plays some high school bitch named Taylor. I watched this movie like two months ago smh so I forgot everything but...they have some Fake Myspace/Facebook type thing in the universe of this movie, where you can put up messages and videos or whatever blah blah.  

Taylor gets a message from some random dude on the Fake Myspace thing, and it's like obvious right away it's a Catfish lol smh. Omg I forget everything that happens I'm screaming. Someone...posts...something bad about Taylor on the Fake Myspace thing. Omg I am screaming because I am truly forgetting everything. Oh, I think the first thing that was posted was by her brother, right? Doesn't Taylor initially think it's the Mean Squad at school? So whatever her brother gets in trouble and that's brushed aside. But then...I think the Catfish dude posts something bad about Taylor and things spiral out with all this shit being posted about her on the site blah blah idfk lol I just remember thinking how dumb it was playing out in the movie. Like the minute I started getting harassed online I would just remove myself from it. Like okay people wanna play games that's fine and keep it moving. But I'm an Aquarius lol Taylor prob was some dramatic ass Gemini or Aries. Or like any Fire sign. 

Like she would be all up on the computer obsessing about the messages being written about her. And most of them were really cheesy, like, Canadian insults. Lol omg Taylor is such a kiss slut lol or whatever. I do think they started a rumor that she had the herp or something. I think the Catfish dude wrote that lol then Taylor's crush at school started distancing himself from her. Like in the beginning of the movie he asked her to homecoming or prom or whatever but then later reneged I wanted to scream.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW TAYLOR ALREADY BASICALLY HAD A BOO AT SCHOOL BUT STARTED FLIRTING WITH THAT CATFISH DUDE ONLINE, GETTING ALL HYPE? That's what her ass get! lol nah it's good to play the field when you're young, BUT LET'S DEFINITELY TALK ABOUT HER HATING ASS FRIEND, SAMANTHA, played by Disney icon Kay Panabaker. Can't name one thing I have seen Kay Panabaker in--WAIT, SUMMERLAND, RIGHT? SHE WAS IN SUMMERLAND? REMEMBER SUMMERLAND?? Lol remember Jesse McCartney? Is he dead? Sigh, I hope.

Would my blog be considered cyberbulling? There's truly no need to be coming for Jesse McCartney like that. What has he ever done to anyone? And Keith is one of my favorite movies of all time. Have you ever seen Keith? It's like Twilight but replace vampires with cancer. Um, and spoiler alert, btw...

Anyway! Smh, Taylor has this hatin ass friend named Samantha whom I pegged as the culprit behind the Catfish and the hate messages I think right away, before they threw that red herring of her brother in. I don't remember if this was supposed to be a mystery thriller lol with the audience trying to figure out who was anonymously disparaging Taylor, but I do know that it took a while to ~reveal~ it was Samantha. 

Samantha was hating so hard RIGHT A FUCKING WAY when the movie started because Taylor had a little thing going with Scott. Samantha was on some ALL MEN ARE DOGS type shit, telling Taylor that it was guaranteed Scott would eventually hurt her. Like damn, who hurt you? You're like fifteen lol like damn what's going on. We get some little backstory--Omg, like the tiniest glimpse of Samantha's life--and I guess she has a workaholic dad who doesn't pay attention to her? Ummmmmm lol, so? No, like, that sucks? But it's hard for me to understand...or like accept that's why this little girl is so bitter. Like she is out here acting like some fifty year old woman who's been ran through. Her character and backstory and everything didn't ring exactly true to me. But she's white, I don't understand white people lol so maybe it makes sense.

Samantha's dumb, hatin' ass drives Taylor to a suicide attempt and please understand about me that I was cackling at this movie THE ENTIRE TIME it was on, and yet? Not labeled as a comedy. Huh. 

It was so...funny to me when at the hospital Taylor's mom asked Samantha if she knew what was going on with her daughter, why had she tried to kill herself? And fucking Samantha acted like all this wasn't completely her doing. It was just entirely killing me how far she was going to troll her friend, so much so that she tries to take her own life lol like. Like it's not funny, but if you watch this, it kind of is??? Like she just kept it going. You're no one's friend. This bitch is on some complete psychopath shit, but I got a strange feeling from the movie that they were almost trying to sympathize with Samantha? Lol, no. Because this shit is real, and people really do kill themselves over stuff like this. Yes it was hilarious in the film, but in real life, I woulda beat Samantha's fucking ass for putting me through all that stress cuz her ass was jealous and weird. 

I still feel Taylor shoulda just hopped her ass off the computer. Or opened another tab at least. Like I don't really have cyberbulling experience, because, no offense, I don't entertain that shit. Cyberbulling to me is someone hacking my paypal account or something lol like post all the hate messages about me that you want just don't fuck with my coin. What do I honestly look like caring if you write that I have herpes? Bitch, that just means I get the d!! (I don't at all smh). Taylor shoulda just kept it moving when the harassment first started, BUT, AND HOWEVER, what's important to remember is that everyone does not deal with things the same way. I am someone who does not get fazed easily which is not me bragging I think I just have a lot of chips missing in my brain lol, but others have different emotional and mental responses, so it's not exactly fair to be like Log Off! or Get Over It! or It's Not That Serious, There Are More Imperative Things To Worry About! or whatever the usual dismissive rhetoric is. Coming from a completely insensitive person lol like, people need to be kinder and more understanding, or the fucking Holocaust will happen again (wait, does this sound like I'm a nazi-Sympathizer??). Putting aside the whole genocide deal for a second, do y'all remember the horrid concentration camp garb? I'm not wearing, like, wool pyjamas. Seems scratchy and uncomfy. Let's not play ourselves like that!! 

Waitwaitwait!! BUT REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT TAYLOR'S OTHER FRIEND THAT MULATTO OR MAYBE INDIAN GIRL AND HOW SHE STOPPED FUCKING WITH TAYLOR BECAUSE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL STARTED TALKING SHIT TO HER BECAUSE OF TAYLOR AND SHE GOT ALL SHOOK LIKE "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!"??!,! I WANTED TO DIE THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY SHE CRUMBLED! 

This movie was really bad...

Moonlight (2016)

So I want to die? This was so beautiful and sad and I felt like throwing up the whole time while watching? All signs of a great movie, pretty much. 

So Moonlight is divvied up into three sections, right? Um: Little, Chiron and Black? So Little is about Little Boy Chiron and we're introduced to a quiet, shy ass boy who has like no one? So that's amazing. Just extraordinarily depressing right off the bat and I am so excited for tears. Chiron is being harassed by some kids and I want to go to sleep cuz I'm already exhausted. He hides in like a crackhouse or something and is ~rescued~ by Mahershala Ali's character Juan. Who like a little bit proceeds to adopt Chiron as his son?

My thing: Juan was mad creepy when he busted up in that crackhouse to get Little, right? lol that's all I could focus on. Like if I were Chiron I would've thot I was fin to get molested. I guess he kind of did because he like backed up lol. Juan was giving me weird ass vibes right off the bat smh I think it was the wave cap. He was wearing a wave cap, right, or did I just imagine one? I hope he was or imma have to get myself together in a myriad of ways. 

So Little's mom does drugs. When we first see his mom she looks kind of normal? I guess before the throughs of crack addiction have had their way with her? But anyway, fast forward to it getting real fairly quick. And who sells Little's mom crack drugs? Fun Fact: Juan!!!! So that's nice!

I loved the scene when Juan saw Paula like freebasing in a car and he came over like Judge Judy, tryna act all high & mighty and Paula got in his face like u tryna raise my son? Like bruh, you're a drug dealer? You're part of the problem?? But no you got this. I just really loved Naomie's performance and getting in his face and also Ali's reactions and nominations deserved, imo. The only false note I found was Paula being like "You see the way he walk, are you gonna explain to him why all the kids always kicking his ass?" or something lol I thought that was...kinda contrived. Not to be offensive (oh boy), but everyone grew up with the ~Little Gay Boy~ - Chiron isn't even close to being ~obvious~, imo. He just quiet, which doesn't equal Ghey. But maybe it's different in Florida lol smh deleet my blog and life :')

I truly wanted to die at the scene when Little asked Juan if his mom does drugs and Juan said yes and then he asked if Juan dealt drugs, and he could, like, barely answer. Like.................I don't like to cry lol, so. 

So we transition to Little as Teenage Chiron! Oh I forgot to mention Teresa and Kevin. So

1. Janelle Monáe is beautiful in like a weird way to me which is not a backhand compliment in anyway I just am extremely inarticulate obviously look at this purgatory of a fucking blog. But she has like, just a strange almost inhuman sort of look. Like a doll and a...cyborg princess lol idk. Clearly Janelle knows her aesthetic though as she's always playing it up and OMG she looked so amazing at the Oscars like girl plz. So excited to see her as like being a significant part of Hollywood and she was Beautiful in this and that's what I have to say about her lol.

2. SO TELL ME WHY I had no idea that the Kevin in this chapter was the dude who Chiron ~wrestled~ with in the first chap? Lol, like...I thought Chapter 2 Kevin was Hispanic?? Lol no? And Chapter 1 Kev was just ~regular black~?? And then they had André's Holland bougie ass playing him in chap 3 and I JUST DON'T KNOW if Kev was cast well enough or if I am just a sleepy bitch who isn't clued in more than 43% of the time at all times. But I had no idea this sort of sex-fiendy Kev of chap 2 was the same. Tbh, I didn't know like any of the kids' names besides Chiron lol I just...don't pay attention, but anyway, moving forward!!!   

So I really loved Ashton Sanders as Chiron. Killing me softly teas. He was just making me cry a lot. So that ugly dread head boi who kept harassing him was, like, clearly in love, or nah??? Why are you SO PRESSED??? Like you are so ugly and dumb. I was heated like Chiron is bothering nobody and honestly I feel like crying thinking about this shit again. You know what I'm really pissed about, though? KEVIN'S BETRAYAL!! You simp bitch! I mean, I guess he would've gotten his ass beat by Predator had he not done what he said? But I get vibes...he was just a following loser. I mean, not vibes, that was kind of made clear about his character. I get vibes there wouldn't have been retaliation against him if he hadn't've beaten up Chiron other than the dread boy and the other ~cool cats~ not fucking with him as much. Like, the fuck? 

We go from this beautiful romantic scene of Kevin jacking Chiron off on the beach, to him beating his ass up in front of a bunch of people and I knew some shit like that would go down and I almost hate this movie for pulling that shit???? AND LIKE MAYBE I DON'T ENDGAME SHIP CHIRON AND KEVIN???? 

Like okay so in Part 3 after Chiron gets out of juvie or whatever and has become a trapper because what the fuck else you 'sposed to do after leaving prison, Kevin hits Chiron up out the blue. The same Kevin who beat his ass--OH SHIT I AM FORGETTING THAT CHAIR SCENE. CHIRON WWED THE SHIT OUTTA PREDATOR'S BACK AND I WISH THEY MADE A CHIP THAT THEY COULD IMPLANT IN YOUR BRAIN THAT PLAYS THAT IMAGE OVER AND OVER IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY EVERY DAY TO HYPE YOU AT ALL HOURS UNTIL YOUR HOPEFULLY UNTIMELY AND BRUTAL DEATH!!! So good. But it was like a real life version of that Redemption moment in a lot of movies where someone deserving of a major ass whooping gets it and you cheer and blah blah the end. Yeah cool except Chiron was sent to juvie?? And then he came out all ~hard~ and wearing grills? So.

Um, Trevante's Chiron also killed my body and soul??? K thanx. I looked up Trevante's birthday because I watched a movie and that's what you do after it ends and he is a part of #AquariusSquad and also we're the same age and we will never be friends because I hate every fellow Aquarius I meet so jot that down. But all Aquarius are really talented and amazing and you're jealous and will stay mad. Trevante better become big or imma feel some type of way about it. I can't decide whose Chiron made me want to die more: his or Ashton's? Tie? We'll say tie and they both better blow up. 

But anyway Chiron Final Form was making me cry like right away lol. Idky, maybe because I was already feeling sick the whole movie like okay when is Chiron gonna catch a break haha. I guess he kind of gets a break getting to be a trapper? Lol...no. I wanted to die when he got the call from Kevin. He was like immediately crying. HMMM BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW KEVIN IS A LOSER AND A BUM?? I want to, like, think of the ending being a happy one, but.................like Kevin is a loser and a bum lol. He thinks having a life is having a son he prob never sees and working as a "cook" at a diner and making like twelve cents a day. Also I felt some type of way about him

1. brushing over the shit he did to Chiron like it was just some little situation. Like he tripped him accidentally or some shit. "Sorry bout alladat" BOY!!!

2. Forcing Chiron to drink? Um, he said he doesn't drink???? I just imagine them together in a relationship and Kevin just dragging Chiron down. Like whatever okay Chiron is a trapper, but he could be better if he, like, met someone who could lift him up? What's Kevin supposed to do? HONESTLY! I feel like Chiron mad shy so he just attached himself to the first dude who wanted to do gay shit with him. Like, they aren't endgame at all, imo, but I still cried at the end whatever because Chiron got to get touched, but get touched by a bum let's not forget that I'm not forgiving Kevin I don't care if Chiron does!! 

Final thots:

1. What was that shit in Naomie's head in the final chap? Like I was bawling my eyes out, but maybe some of my tears weren't just from the emotions in the scene, but from disgust with how bad her old person makeup was? Moving on!!

2. Um, did Moonlight lose its cinematography nods? Mmmm ionoboutalladat. I watched this shit in Standard Definition because my bitch ass ipad aint have enough storage for HD and it was still beautiful as shit and was like a main character in the film but LaLaLand or whatever, I guess. I GUESS!!!!