Star Wars: The Force Awakens

So my favorite was Kylo Ren, because I'm a predictable bitch. Because of course! This movie was actually criminally boring? I mean...I do not, nor have I ever, given a fuck about the Star Wars franchise. I've seen not a single film except this one, and I only went to see this because I'm a full-on Boyega Booty stan now. I solely went to see this shit for Boyega, and Boyega only. So I was expecting nothing. Not to be entertained, thrilled, moved - not a damn thing. Which is good, because this movie hardly delivered. Or, if I expected nothing, I guess it did deliver??? :/

What I wanted, and what I received, was John Boyega's cute ass on my movie screen. His big ass face all up on the screen. I got that. I was a lil disappointed that for no reason at all he had an ~*~American accent~*~ even tho Rey for some reason had like a Scottish one, but that's neither her nor there. I am still side-eyeing Boyega's acting. I've only seen this and Attack the Block, and though he definitely looks like Denzel in the face (imo, bitch!!), he is not really on Denzel's level, acting-wise. Yet. And let's not act like Denzel is Daniel Day-Lewis or anything. Like, compared to his peers, he is one of the best. But isn't DDL his peer? If DDL is Denzel's peer, DDL is the best, and Denzel is one of. Which is still good. Boyega isn't one of the best of his peers, though. I don't even think he's equal to Mickey Beej, another black actor aroundish his age range whose acting I'm often questioning. But like Mikey Beej, I feel like Boyega has potential. And even if his acting never gets super high-quality, it's still good enough, and that's all you really need to be a ~*~star~*~, so let's do this!!!!!! 

And anyway, like I said, I'm a Boyega stan without him having super amazing acting skills so idk why I was coming for his lack of like Richard Burton prowess or whatever. All I care about right now is that he's cute and claps back all the time on social media. This is the age we live in. All I need is a cute smile and quick comebacks to people sly-hatin' in your instagram comments. Like I'm almost certain this is entirely why I care about Rihanna????? 

So, anyway!!! This movie was boring and I officially hate sci-fi fantasy. It's just not my genre. I swear I try to watch all the ~classics~ like The Matrix and Blade Runner and I just be looking at them shits like "........". Blade Runner is probably in my top ten most boring films of all time. I had to cut it off, it was that dull. This shit is so geeky and corny to me. And look, I am a geek and corny myself, but not that specific type you need to be to enjoy science fiction fantasy media. It just does not compute. I have enjoyed some of these films, but probably for really shallow having nothing at all to do with the actual story reasons. Like, does Prometheus count as one of these films? Because I liked that, but pretty much only because of how hot the cast was, and those really beautiful aliens lol or whatever those things were with faces carved by, clearly, the hands of god? No those things were horrifying, but Guy Pearce cameo!!! Did Blade Runner have a Guy Pearce cameo? Nooooo?? Okay well then why was it even made hmmmm?? 

So whatever, Boyega was really cute, but this movie was givin' me hella ashy teas. Just drrrrrrrrry, bitch. Please, why am I like this? I was just really bored lol! Like half-way dozing off and shit. This movie was really corny omg I'm screaming. Are all the other movies like this? Like what was with the aliens and how they looked? That was some bullshit. This is 2016, and you got aliens out here still lookin like the shits from the seventies. Um, bitch, okay? Update this shit! The robots look all clunky and ridiculous lol omfg pleeeez. And Chewbacca... Like, what is that? What. is. that. Why is it making that noise and why is it covered in hair and why come Han can understand his ugly, annoying ass? But like I don't even really care? And oh boy it look like this bitch gon' be back for the sequel that I have to see cuz Kylo and Finn's tryhard ass are gonna be in it sigh :(

I hope Kylo has wayyyy more screen time in the next movie. I need way more of him hilariously pulling his Vader mask off and revealing his frankly, disturbing face and head. I love Adam Driver but he is a funny looking dude lol and when he first took off that helmet to reveal himself to Rey I was fucking screaming. Like why is it more horrifying than the mask lol where do they do this? The setting of where Star Wars takes place, I guess. What is it ca--CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THEY WASTED MY BABY LUPITA ON SUM BULLSHIT? I'm staring at this ugly bug on my screen going whose voice is this : Tilda? Emma Thompson? Who dis? Only to cum and find out it's my beautiful, majestic African-Mexi princess Lupita Nyong'o. Um, bitch, okay? How you gon' hire this perfect bitch only to hide her under some ugly ass animated cartoon? Like, okay??? Where

deyyyyyyyy

do thiss

sssssss?????

¿¿¿

Anyway, when's episode eight comin out sigh

Mr. Robot, Season 1

Bitch, I figured Mr. Robot was Elliot's dad almost from jump. Okay, not from jump. Like I was really believing the whole Elliot's dad died of cancer thing and Elliot misses him and has a ton of daddy issues and all this blah. But something was making me suspect occasionally that ~Mr. Robot~ was his dad? Maybe it was because prior to watching, I found out there was some "twist". So I went into this show like, prepared to figure out the "twist". So I'm on high alert and trying not to take everything at face, and it's like, yeah, sure, Christian Slater is Rami's dad. But like why did I just jump to that? Was it specific--yeah, like the way Mr. Robot acted towards Elliot was very fatherly-esque. I think especially when Elliot was trying to save Shayla and working to hack Fernando out of jail and Mr. Robo was trying to stop him. I thought that was like...weirdly...him caring too much about Elliot or something? And it just made me squint my eyes at him. But the more I was suspecting Mr. Robo was Elliot's dad...like the more I kept going back to that time he pushed Elliot off that railing at the boardwalk. I mean, it's not like a father couldn't do that to their kid...but...like, Elliot ended up in the hospital? So I'm thinking it was just way too extreme for a father to do that to his son and the "twist" was something else. I also suspected Mr. Robo was maybe the leader of those dark army people? And then also I was thinking Mr. Robo was working for Evil Corp?? And then I started thinking he was all these things lol. I was really going through it ngl. 

So, fucking finally! When Elliot was going through his photo album, I was like yaaaaaas. Wait, lol, first can we talk about how the pics in the beginning at first made it look like Mr. Robo could possibly be Elliot's gay lover? I feel like the show did this on purpose? lol like what were those pictures of Mr. Robo just alone, sensually lying back on a chaise lounge? Am I remembering wrong? lol I distinctly remember like a photo of him in like a mint green t-shirt smiling like whoever was taking the photo was the love of his life? Maybe Elliot took the pic? Maybe Elliot is the love of his life?????? Yo, lowkey, I totally support a father/son love story like this. Not, like, a creepy incesty one, but Mr. Robot and Elliot being the loves of each other's lives. In a non creepy incesty way, okay?? 

Wait, bitch, but let's talk about how Mr. Robot being Elliot's dad wasn't even like the biggest ~reveal~, but that Elliot's crazy ass is even crazier than we thought. Or, at least than what I thought. Bitch, you know I hate an ~amnesia~ storyline. Like no other. But I guess I'm fine with it here, in the context that Elliot is a legit lunatic with possibly a thousand different diagnoses. When he tried to kiss Darlene and she acted overly disgusted, like so disgusted you would have to kill yourself after such a reaction lol, I was like OH BOY, BITCH!! I was actually annoyed--lol like I really hate an ~I forgot who I am Memento 50 First Dates~~~~**~ type of storyline, omg I really fucking do!! And then the last two episodes Elliot is going around trying to figure out who he is and trying to fucking summon his ghost dad. I was here for it, but at the same time, not. What I wanted, when I was suspecting Mr. Robot was Elliot's dad, was that I wanted him to reveal he faked his death so he could start fsociety. And he like got facial surgery or something lol so that's why Elliot doesn't recognize him. No, that's even dumber than what they actually laid down for me. No, actually, it was a pretty good reveal eventho I guessed part of it. I wasn't here for the ghost dad thing, tho. It's like overly sad for no reason. And then Elliot trying to summon his daddy demon back...I want to cry and die. 

Hmmm, I still don't know how I feel about the reveal and the series finale. I was both over and underwhelmed. It got me excited for season two, though. Like, first, is Mr. Robot/Christian Slater sticking around? I guess? He'll appear as sporadically as he did for season 1? Okay, I can see this, maybe. Also, if Elliot forgets who he is all the time, will it happen again for season 2...will he forget Mr. Robot is his dad/a ghost? Okay and like where is my booboo Tyrell? Look, I prob shouldn't love the shit out of Tyrell Wellick, but bitch I do! He is so creepy and unnerving and adorable pleeeease!! His wife, too. I hope Tyrell is not dead, but if he is, if Elliot's crazy ass murked that Swedish negrum, maybe that means his wife will glo up in that missing character spot? I'd be here for that, she's a total Lady Macbeth. Wait, but can we talk about how when Tyrell was choking that bitch up on the roof and FKA twigs' "Two Weeks" started playing? Bitch, why was I cheering? That blonde freak better not be dead I was rooting for his messy ass :(

So, excited about finding out what the fuck happened with Tyrell, nootttttt as excited to watch Angela cross over to the evil side and become a part of the cog. Or was she always? But it's crazy that she listened to that dude who was all, you can change things from the inside~~ Like, girl. And then after that dude killed himself on-air, in front of her??? And she continued to not go anywhere?? AND THEN when she was buying new shoes and that shoe salesmen was comin' for that ass and she stood up like "I DON'T KNOW WHOM YOU ARE SPEAKING TO BUT I'LL LOOK AT THE PRADAS NEXT". Biiiitch. On the one hand, yes, like...who did that shoe guy think he was lol. Like, is this the way to sell shoes? Is this what they taught your ass in training? Probably not! But Angela's attitude...omg I can just see her becoming some important horrible figure at Evil Corp in no time, oh boy. It's lit but it's not, you know? 

Waitwait...can we. Wait. If Mr. Robot is a ghost...how were we seeing scenes with just him and Tyrell, or him and Romero? I think the show almost explained that with Elliot at the internet café, but it didn't fully explain, because obviously I am sitting here like did this show really throw in these scenes to make us think otherwise purely for the purpose of maintaining their "secret" even though it doesn't add up with the reality of the universe created in the show? I'm just going to decide that it was actually Elliot talking to Romero at his greenhouse and Tyrell in the--BUT I FEEL LIKE WHEN TYRELL CAME TO VISIT ELLIOT AT THE END HE ACTED LIKE THEY HADN'T HAD PREVIOUS CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ELLIOT'S ~SECRET~. Like when Tyrell was in the truck talking to "Mr. Robot" he was all ~i know ur secret i know what you're doing~~~ and then when he came to Elliot's apartment wearing his hobo-beating gloves, why was he saying the same shit? Does he say this every time he sees Elliot? Well, he's a weirdo, so.......

In conclusion, I lowkey ship Elliot and his shrink so that better happen in season two if you're not going to fully explain those scenes where Mr. Robot was talking to anyone besides Elliot, sweetie:)))

Force Majeure (2014)

Tomas has been working a lot lately, so he decides to take his family on a ski vacation. Ebba, his wife, and his two kids: Extremely Caucasian Child 1 and Extremely Caucasian Child 2. Everything's very nice, and white. But white with like two dots over the ï, you know what I mean? White like that. :)

The fam is having lunch one day up on the mountains, I guess? You can like sit up on the mountains, have your lunch, and enjoy watching controlled avalanches? Sounds very nïce and whïte. So as they're eating lunch an avalanche starts popping off. Ebba's getting all nervous and asking Tomas if they're okay and I think Tomas assures her the avalanche is controlled and everything is very nice and safe and white :) Until everything is not and the avalanche looks as if it is about to crash onto everyone eating up on the mountaintop café place. As soon as the avalanche looks as if it's headed straight towards them, TOMAS' PUNK ASS FUCKING. DIPS. He just leaves his family there??? Lol like what. It's so funny - he grabs his phone and like...doesn't even give them a second thought. He like runs away from the table and might have even pushed some people out of the way lol. It's. so! funny! Ebba stays behind and like huddles her kids together in a protective manner, attempting to shield them from the onslaught of the avalanche, that, turns out, was not heading for them after all. It was just a cloud of snow.

After the dust from the snow cloud settles, everyone returns to their seats laughing at how spooked they got over nothing. Ebba and the kids sit back down at the table shook as hell lol. They're all quiet and shit. After a little bit, Tomas' punk ass returns. I'M SCREAMING IT'S MAD AWKWARD AND HE ACTS LIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED! LIKE HE DIDN'T STRAIGHT UP JUST ABANDON THEIR FAMILY IN SUCH A CRUCIAL MOMENT *that dude with the fly on his forehead from troll 2 voice* OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG. And then like for the rest of the movie Tomas tries to act like nothing happened?!?!? He even recounts what happened completely differently?? Tomas is so like, a typical white dude i'm screaming. Takes no accountability, entirely delusional, and lowkey a sociopath?? He is so white!

This movie was giving me strong The Loneliest Planet teas. They had similar scenarios of a man...like...not being protective of their love/family. Both movies question manhood, I think. But I don't even know if the question is just "Why are men always the protectors?" because in both movies, both dudes act like straight up punks when they're called to protect and be men. Like in The Loneliest Planet, Gael uses his boo as a human shield, and in Force Majeure Tomas flees the scene entirely. I think it would be different if in both scenarios the dudes had maybe seemed unsure of themselves, or weaker than their spouses/family would expect. But they just straight up punk out lol like no ambiguity at all. At least in The Loneliest Planet Gael moves his boo behind him eventually lol, Tomas doesn't return to the scene until he knows that shit is safe lolomfg I'm still screaming he's a mess. 

Wait, but then at the end of the movie they have the mom freaking out on the bus. They were definitely reaching in this moment--or, am I so conditioned by society that I don't see it's the same thing as Tomas fleeing during the "avalanche". It's totally the same thing, right? Like if Tomas had run the fuck off that bus, I would've been judging his ass just like I did when he ran away from the fake avalanche. Ebba completely dipped as soon as the bus opened its doors. And that shit def looked like it was about to topple over and fall off the side of the mountain, for sure. But I still feel...the moment was a little reaching. Like the movie was all "You never know what you're going to do in a life or death situation" or whatever. And like trying to come for people's necks who initially judged Tomas by putting up a similar example with Ebba. Like, see!! But see what? lol. Not sure!! Not...sure. I was def giving Ebba the side-eye, too, though. Like she just left her daughter on the bus. Well, she left the whole fam, actually. But it's not like she was running off to Russia or anything, she was just going outside the bus. But, I guess, Tomas just went outside the café? Okay, you got me!! 

Anyway, I'm too dumb to make like an educated or even non-illiterate seeming analysis of the film, so I'll just talk about some screencaps I took now :)

Lol this shit was so awkward when Tomas and Ebba had their friends...I think Matts and Fanni over? Ebba started going. off. about that avalanche thing. Talking about how Tomas abandoned them and shit omg it was soooo awkward. I just wanted to take screenshots of Matts and Fanni's "I'm uncomfortable" faces

Ebba showing Matts and Fanni THE VIDEO OF TOMAS RUNNING AWAY FROM TABLE I'M SCREAMING WHERE DID SHE GET VIDEO OF THATTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!? THIS WAS MAD AWKWARD OMG WHAT KIND OF DINNER PARTY IS THIS I'M MAD EBBA TOOK HER PHONE OUT AND WAS TELLING THEM ALL THISSSSSSSSSS 

Tomas breaking down after Ebba exposed the fakes in the room

This was so funny when this girl came up to Tomas and Matts and said her friend said they were the hottest guys at the bar. Then she came back and was like "lol nevermind, my friend wasn't talking about you, she was talking about some other guys". WHO DOES THAT LOL. Tomas looked deeply hurt and embarrassed and Matts was about to pop off lol. He got genuinely angry, asking the girl if she was fucking with them, and then I think some dudes came over like "Is there a problem?". I can't remember if there were actual dudes, or if Matts was really about to fuck this girl up lol im screaming this movie is high comedy

Tomas getting an attitude and scoffing because Ebba was ignoring him. Tomas is such a sassy queen like of course his prissy ass ran away. He was not getting his pretty blue ski vest messed up, Ebba, deal!!!! 

Tomas begins his fake breakdown

Ebba calls his fake ass out, yet again. Damn Tomas just quit while your sociopathic ass is ahead!

okay he quit for a moment when Ebba called him out. But then he tried again and was more successful producing fake tears

There ya go.

Tomas talkin sum ish about how he's a victim of his instincts. Omg is he serious this is so white guy of him. Also I feel like this is a common excuse that like rapists and child molesters use? Rapist: Sorry i raped but like I'M A VICTIM OF MY OWN INSTINCTS. Kiddie diddler: Yo, my bad about diddling those kiddies BUT I AM A VICTIM OF MY OWN INSTINCTS, SO! SWEETIE:)

Like, aw poor baby :(

Ebba's face is my face

Tomas lays the waterworks on super-thickly. Ebba is still not having it, but Tomas starts to get mad loud so she tries hustling him back into the hotel room.

The janitor dude is just staring at them? Was this movie making a comment about different social classes? Prob, but too dumb to figure it out - next.

Tomas was crying on like a beanbag and the kids came out and cried on top of him and it was so funny because Ebba was just standing away from them and the daughter starts yelling "Mommy!!!" like what is wrong with you hug daddy, idk this shit was hilarious. This is supposed to be a comedy, right? If not, yikes.

Ebba freaking out on the bus was really funny because the bus driver never really responded. That was an extremely too-accurate depiction of like all bus drivers. I'm surprised he even opened the door. Okay, so not extremely too-accurate. But extremely mostly-accurate. 

Why was the end a weirdly triumphant one for Tomas? Was it because Ebba showed her ass on the bus? And then that dude offers him a smoke and Tomas takes one and the son is like "Dad, you smoke?" and Tomas is like "Yeah, I do" like he just beat Apollo Creed and I'm like..."okay..."??? The end???? I feel bad for those kids. That's what I'll take away from this movie, that I feel bad for those little white kids. Not because of Tomas and Ebba, but because those kids are very white, and being white is going to be entirely out by 2030. Ah well. Maybe being white will come back around again. Doubt it, but we all need something to hope for :') 

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Wow, I really did not like this movie??? Which was annoying, as I really wanted to love it? I mean, my beloved Tom Hardy was in it! What's not to love? Um, pretty much everything????

The first twenty minutes--Actually, this entire movie is just like one never-ending car chase and I am disgusted but okay. Like what actually happened? What was the plot? Ummm let's see. Something about people needing water? There's a guy named Immortan Joe, I guess? Breast milk factories??? Hmmm a character named Furiosa has...kidnapped or rescued a bevy of virgin bitches or something? Or, not virgins? One was definitely pregnant...so some info clearly went over my head. Okay, and then there's some dude named Max. He was like a prisoner of a bunch of steampunk skinheads, I guess? I feel like they were stealing his blood, or putting magical shit in his blood to get him revved up for some fucking war? 

Okay...so...none of that is a plot. Literally the movie opens with a long ass car chase. Then there's a break for Furiosa and her bevy of hoes to...chill? Until Max shows up and they fight him but then eventually start working with him for whatever reason. And then we're back to car chases. Eventually we reach Furiosa's fam and they tell her the green place or whatever doesn't exist anymore. Max is all "let's go back to where we just came from" and, so, they do? And that's a long ass car chase? A bunch of people get killed. That pregnant one I actually liked got killed. Wait did she get killed on the way there or the way back? On the way there? Doesn't matter. Violent Car chase to, violent car chase back. The movie ends with the car chase pulling up to a crowd of people. They get excited to hear the king is dead, I guess? Then Furiosa and Max stare at each other. There's an implied sequel. Will I watch? Yep. Sigh. 

The Boy (2016)

So am I developing a kink for movies that have a doll in it that people pretend is a baby/person? The Truth About Emanuel, American Sniper, The Boy. I liked none of these movies I listed so idk wtf I'm talkin bout "kink". The thing these three movies have in common is that their sole redeeming quality is that people are pretending a doll is a live human being. There is nothing else about any of these movies that is relevant, important, needed, or good. 

The Boy concerns some American bitch who travels across the pond to become a nanny for some weird ass old couple and their son, Brahms. So many questions right off the bat with this mess. Okay, wait, in the very very beginning they have Greta traveling in the back of a cab, to the house of the people she'll be babysitting for. Why does the movie show the cabbie trying to check out her nonexistent cleavage while she sleeps?? Then she catches him and like, pulls her shirt closed, but continues to sleep?? Right away I knew this movie was gonna be shit. Idk what it was about that moment--maybe its total insignificance??--but I just knew. I knew deep in my heart this movie was trash and I had made a terrible mistake. 

I went to see this bullshit on a total whim. Usually when I go to see movies it's something I've been waiting to see and already know what it's about. But on this particular day, I was just like...lemme go to the movies. I look up what movies are playing at AMC and I see total and absolute trash and shit. There was literally nothing of interest. But I still wanted to go see a movie, so I chose the least-worst sounding thing. Honestly, Star Wars was probably the least worst. Like, I'm really getting into John Boyega and feel like I might want to casually stan for him, so I considered Star Wars. But it was only available in IMAX and I've never been to an IMAX movie. Can glasses-wearers go? Idk, I wasn't chancing it. And anyway, it's Star Wars. I think I'll just casually stan for Johnny when that shit hits HBO. So I saw the second-least worst seeming thing on the list that I had not already seen. 

Or, sigh, idk if The Boy was actually the second least worst thing. But I knew the fuck that I wasn't seeing Dirty Grandpa (omg) or that other shit with Will Ferrell and Donnie Wahlberg's ugly little brother. Or, like, Ride Along 2 jesus. 

I bing.commed The Boy and the description for the film was...not...lol, I don't even remember what the description said, actually, I just saw that image with the doll sitting in a chair and was like "lol okay, let's do this". I actually hate doll-focused horror films so idk why the fuck I thought this would be any different/better than the other ones I've seen? Maybe cuz the doll was a boy. I mean, am I acting like the Chucky movies don't exist and that I don't like those movies or??? I guess cuz this boy doll was all clean and porcelain looking?

The scariest thing about this movie was the trailer for The VVitch that they played before it. I was all excited like, I gotta see that!! And then became quickly despondent when I realized what I was actually there to watch. Oh, I have to watch this mess about some prissy boy doll instead of that way cooler-looking other thing. Okay. Movie trailers should be banned tbh why are they always better than the actual movie ur going to see smh

So Greta arrives to the house in her cab. She's talking to the cabbie about the house like "oh! it's like a fairytale!!" acting as if not a few minutes ago she hadn't clocked this dude leering at the concave area where her titties should be. She's all like "Thank you!!!!" to him??? Am I weird for harping on this thing with the cabbie and him looking down her shirt lol like why was it included I'm so confused it had nothing to do with the rest of the movie?? Like we never see that cabbie dude again so???? 

Greta goes into the house, she's all amazed and shit. She takes off her shoes because?? Like, you're not in Japan??? Do old country English people take their shoes off when they walk in a home? I mean, if they're caked with mud, sure, but Greta's shoes were clean so what is her goofy ass doing??????  

Goofy goes into the kitchen and meets the equally goofy, idk, what was this nigga's job title? The grocery dude? Girl, okay! He does this flirty thing with Goofy. I am...disgusted. He has like an ~*~accent~*~. He's all like ~*~I'm charming~*~. I was rolling my eyes hella hard @ their flirty bullshit. Ol' boy claimed he was like clairvoyant and could read people. He guessed Goofy was from California. Nope, Montana. Oh, well, you're a writer then, looking for an escape! Nope, wrong again, you're really on a roll here. Then he "jokingly" guessed that Goofy had a dark past and was running away from something. This stupid bitch displays all over her face that, yep, that's exactly it!! How you on the run giving obvious clues you on the run? What a goofy bitch! Her nickname is a. pro. pos! 

Goofy asks some questions about the fam. The grocery dude says they're cool peeps or whatever. Yeah, okay. Goofy specifically asks--WHOA WHOA WHOA, REAL QUICK. I completely forgot how Goofy actually met the grocery dude. She was spying all around the house and shit and he came up behind her or something while she was playing with one of Brahms toys and this bitch emitted the most unnecessary and ridiculous blood curdling scream omg this movie was so cheap with their little "scares". Fucking pathetic. We're five minutes into the movie, nothing's established, we don't know any characters and you're already tossing cheap thrills at us. And it wasn't even a thrill! It wasn't like this bitch was in the house not expecting anyone to be there. Why the fuck she jumping for? In somebody else's home? I am so...like I'm thinking about that moment and getting re-annoyed again omg if I thought this movie was going to be shit because of that cabbie dude, it was definitely cemented when this ho was screaming at the top of her lungs because a nigga said "hello" to her bitch ass omg

So back in the kitchen lol omg i hated this movie so much, Goofy asks Grocery Boy what Brahms is like. I can't believe this little bitch is named Brahms. The lil nigga never had a chance with a name like that. Spoiler alert, you're either gonna play some scary music on an old timey accordion keyboard, or you're gonna kill people - these are your only options with a name like Brahms spoiler alert. 

Grocery Boy doesn't give Goofy a definitive answer concerning what Brahms is like. And I was really screaming at that. He was all like "It's hard to say..." or something. Hmm, how bout HE IS A FUCKING ACTUAL DOLL!! Like, how hard is that to put into words? I literally just did it??? 

The mom comes into the kitchen and asks Goofy where her shoes are. Good question!!! Why your shoes off, bitch?! This aint Japan!! Goofy's punk ass doesn't even try to defend taking off her shoes. She is straight punked by this old bitch. I swear to god they go over to where Goofy left her shoes and they're not there. The mom is all "Brahms likes to play games". Orly? GIMME MY SHOES, BITCH! Cept Goofy doesn't scream this. The mom is all "Surely you packed other shoes" and Goofy starts frantically rummaged through her suitcase for some other shoes to put on omfg. Then the mom is all "Hurry up, we've kept them waiting long enough". BITCH WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!?!?!?! I swear to god I would've been so far fucking gone from that house. Actually, the minute I found out that little nigga was named Brahms I would've been out. Are you serious? Nothing good can come from some little white cheddar cheez-it named Brahms. He will kill you and scoop your eyeballs out with a melon baller and put like trinkets in your eye socket holes. R u n

So finally, Goofy gets to meet the enigmatic Brahms!

Lol Goofy started laughing straight away. This little doll is just sitting in the chair and Goofy is like "haha cool joke, where's the real kid?". So reminiscent of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time, in The Truth About Emanuel, when Jimmi Simpson meets Jessica Biel's "baby". This scene in The Boy wasn't as good as that one, because after it sets in that these two people believe this doll is a ~real live boy~, she plays along. Then the grocery boy comes in and plays along as well and I'm looking @ him like why you aint tell her this little nigga was a doll? And he immediately became suspicious to me. Like, wtf is a grocery boy?? 

So I'm in the movie theater silently screaming @ Goofy staring at this actual doll sitting in the chair. It's so funny. I think...too funny for a horror film. But maybe it's so funny that it becomes scary. Like, imagine you get a babysitting job and you go to the house of the kid you're babysitting and the parents just hand you a fucking doll and like a list of chores. Like, I would immediately accept I was going to die in a scenario such as that. There's no way you go into a home to babysit, they present you with a doll, and you're not gonna die, you know? 

My main issue with this scene, though, was...how come Goofy doesn't say anything? Like, ummmm this is a doll. Jimmi Simpson definitely said that shit in The Truth About Emanuel, and it completely made the entire movie. So befuddled as to why Goofy would essentially just immediately go along with this shit. Why was she scared to speak? I'd be more scared for my life than trying to upset these obvious fucking nut jobs. Or maybe she was afraid for her life, and thought the best reaction was none?? Girl, I guess!! 

So the mom is giving all the instructions for how to take care of this literal porcelain doll. At one point she makes Goofy dress...Brahms. Or she tells Goofy to practice dressing him but Goofy is being her goofy self and acting all awkward like how hard is it to put clothes on a doll?? The mom is all "He's not a baby, you don't have to be afraid of hurting him!" and takes the job over for Goofy. Goofy should've been like..."Yeah, I know, it's a doll?". But it wouldn't have been totally effective because the point of the mom yelling at her was because she was taking too long to dress Brahms and like...it should be easier to dress a doll over anything. Because a doll is not alive...

After the crazy ass mommy and daddy show--WAIT!!! HOLD UP!! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE UNNECESSARINESS OF THE DAD SHOWING GOOFY THE RAT TRAPS AND THE MOM EXPLAINING WHY THEY DON'T THROW OUT ANY FOOD?!?!? WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT??? IT WAS SO INSIGNIFICANT!!! WAS THAT EVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN?? AND THEN LATER IN THE MOVIE THE GROCERY BOY COMES OVER TO THE HOUSE AND EMPTIES THE FREEZER AND GOOFY IS ALL "IT'S SUCH A WASTE". lol okay but why is this shit so insignificant and having nothing at all to do with the plot. I'd see if it was some meandering study-of-life foreign film or something, but this is a cheap ass horror film with almost zero reason or purpose. What's with all the irrelevant filler??? Unless I'm missing something and the thing with the freezer and the rat traps were supposed to indicate something??? Were they...was it symbolism????? I highly doubt it like this movie was verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry base. 

Okay but can we talk about how I thought I was smarter than this "base" film and decided I had already figured out the ~mystery~. Okay so I said I was suspicious of Grocery Boy right off the bat. I think maybe the movie intentionally made him seem sketch? Like, yeah, totally, and I bought completely into it. I guess he was just English and a little thirsty?? But anyway, I decided early on that Grocery Boy was actually Brahms. He was giving Goofy backstory on Brahms, explaining the doll thing. There was a girl Brahms used to play with that turned up dead. I guess Brahms was a suspect, then all of a sudden he's burned up in a fire. Yeah, okay. For some reason I decided...wait I think before I heard the thing about the little girl I decided Grocery Boy had killed Brahms and like he was the black sheep older brother that the parents hated or something. And then when I heard the thing about the girl I decided Grocery Boy was older Brahms and they had all lied to Goofy bout him being the grocery boy and the reason the parents had the doll was because they wanted to keep the memory of ~good~ Brahms, before he turned into English Ted Bundy or whatever. 

Anyway, I was wrong. Grocery Boy was actually a grocery boy. I had decided, though, that doll Brahms was not actually...alive. Or, there wasn't a ghost inside his doll body. I wasn't 100% on this, though. Because he'd like...move. But the camera was never on him when he moved, so obviously some shit was up. Anyway, turns out I was right to think the doll was not actually possessed by any spirit. Turns out, real Brahms lived inside the walls pullin' a Roach from The People Under the Stairs. Or, actually he seemed to have his own little creepy set-up in the basement. But I think he rummaged throughout the walls of the house and that was how he was able to move Brahms when Goofy wasn't looking, spooking this stupid bitch out. 

I have to say, Adult Brahms using that weird little baby English boy voice and wearing that mask was actually creepy as fuck. Lowkey scary, but this movie was so dumb that I couldn't get really into it. I also thought doll Brahms was creepy, with his staring ass face. I wish this movie was done better. Cast differently, maybe? I didn't like Lauren Cohan, she played it too dumb and goofball for me. Like when her abusive ex showed up I just rolled my eyes. Instead of feeling like...scared for her?? Lol like she was just wayyy too annoying. Grocery Boy was annoying, too, and had a punchable face. They were the two leads, essentially. They were too irritating to be leading this film. I need to care about the main characters in a horror film, or it won't work. I thought Brahms' mum was perfectly cast, though. She was mad creepy and mean and dear lord every time she gave Brahms a gentle little kiss it sent shivers down my spine jesus she was so weird and just unnerving the shit out of me. Like, lowkey upset she and the other dude disappeared like fifteen minutes into the movie? But HOLLERING that they went on "holiday" to kill themselves and just left the responsibility of Brahms to Goofy. That's her problem now!! Absolutely screaming at them doing that omg lol

When the movie ended I was pretty good. Like, thank you, that's quite enough. But I'll never be able to scrub from my memory Brahms going like "kiss me" behind that creepy, dirty ass mask. Omg and I could see he had like a full beard underneath it omfg that shit was horrifying. But, again, I did not like this actual movie. I laughed too much--wait, did I like this movie?? lol like I was laughing quite a bit and finding much amusement in so many horrible things hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm BUT WAS IT AN EFFECTIVE HORROR FILM??? No!!! SO WHO CARES IF IT WAS THE BEST COMEDY OF 2016?!! Maybe we should eliminate genres and labels so more bad movies can be considered good. Like, as a horror film this was crap, but as a comedy it was A1. Labels r for squares anyway. And people who have, like, food allergies. It's important to know if a product they're about to eat was made in a factory that also in that factory has people who eat handfuls of peanuts and then go to the conveyor belts and spit them out on the food. So, like, if you have a peanut allergy you need to know that, and in that case, labels r good. But still for squares. Like, who has a food allergy? Squares.