So right away I have to say I did not buy Angelina Jolie at all as a smokejumper who spends the majority of her days alone in a firetower out in the middle of the Montana wilderness. She's bout thirty pounds soaking wet and looks like she requires immediate access at all times to every prescription drug known to man, so it just wasn't realistic at all lol. That being said, she's gorgeous, and any woman irl who actually does this job is prob unsettling as fuck to look at and raggedy as hell and no one wants to see that lol so Little Miss Movie Star, it is!
Is this something realistic that would happen? You're in Florida and two of the most British-faced goblins you dun ever saw strolls up and say they're from the gas company and then they ask you if your husband is at home (why would they just assume you have a husband) and then you who have answered the door and have not yet slammed it in their face because obviously they're like scammers or serial killers or something--you tell the two british-faced strangers (one of them is actually Irish-faced which is a less faggy or more faggy version of British face, depending on whom you ask and how overcast it is on that day) that your man is in the shower and then you allow the strangers who have presented zero credentials or proof of who they are into to your home to "check" the whatever it is they claimed they needed to check. And then of course your entire family gets killed and blown up. Is this realistic circle y/n
Just two totally Americans strolling Americanly down the American suburban streets :)
Idk what it is about Angelina but it looks like she's CGIed into this movie half the time. She's so uncanny-coded
Y'all already know why I even bothered to watch this and it was for my cop-coded, goon-faced fave. Um, but if I knew it was a Taylor Sheridan production I probably would have watched it sooner because I tend to like things he's involved with to the degree that I have even seriously considered taking a chance on
Yellowstone lol wait am I a secret-Sherinator like what's goin on idk let's not linger too long on that lmao. But anyway I went into this movie knowing absolutely nothing about it I literally just watched it because I knew Mr. Ugly, Jonathan Bernthal, was in it. Didn't watch a trailer, didn't peruse a summary - nothing. Literally thought this movie was one of Angelina's self-serious war pictures so was pleasantly surprised to find it was just a stupid movie about smokejumpers with a semi-nonsensical plot about "twin"(?) assasins looking to kill some random accountant and his kid for ~reasons~ and THE RELIEF when I realized this was just some dumb action movie with no point or purpose--like you have no idea. Anyway, killing myself when? :)
Angie's character is called Hannah, I think. Doesn't suit her at all lol. She should be called like Hyacinth or Amsterdadious or something idk Hannah is too regular white girl coded. You know good and damn well that's not no damn Hannah. But anyway, HANNAH's whole thing is giving very not-like-other-girls vibes. Ma'am, you're fifty. So let's start there. I thought it was weird her character appeared to be the only female smokejumper? And then they had her acting all rowdy and tomboy-coded with the other middle aged men she worked with--Idk, it was kind of cringe. Then of course Hannah has a ton of ~trauma~ and PTSD because she was fighting a fire one day and something went terribly wrong (as I assume it often does if you're in the line of work she is) and she had to watch some little white kids burn alive right in front of her like this is why women shouldn't be smokejumpers they get their periods and start crying about some kids dying like grow some balls and MAN UP, actually
What was this scene where one of Hannah's middle aged male coworkers was taunting some girl in a bar about her bf smoking a vape? It
screams fifty-something Gen Xer giggling over his laptop tapping out the script while he ignores repeated urgent calls from his proctologist's office.
Oh, that lacefront is holding on for dear life, yes god
Need this. But why is Hannah giving very much daredevil vibes. Again, she's so cringe-coded. We're supposed to think she's like doing risky shit like para-jumping off the back of a truck because she lowkey has a deathwish due to guilt and she has no man and also they used gorilla glue to apply her wig and now she can't get it off and it's like
sigh, this method to showcase someone is depressed or suffering from trauma is so...heavy-handed and giving me second-hand embarrassment? And it makes Hannah seem like a teenage girl acting out when she's like perimenopausal like idk you guys. At least the character is not a man god imagine how much worse it could be :')
Why did I think this movie was going to go in an erotic direction when Hannah was "arrested" by her ex for...I have no idea...and he had her in the back of the cop car and then took her out and had her pushed up against the car...like I thought it was going to go in a direction where I would have to feel uncomfortable but still lowkey I'd be into it but um, no, it doesn't :)
Hannah and Ethan used to date. I thought they were going to be the ship of the movie because there were ~vibes~ and I was like okay serve it to me, FEED ME
MEANWHILE Ethan is WHOLE ASS MARRIED and his Black Queen wife is LITERALLY WITH CHILD?? I instantly began hating him because I thought he was finna cheat with Hannah and the SLURS that I was lining up in my cranium to spew forth from my hateful maw -- y'all have no idea, but I never had to use them because nothing really ever ended up transpiring between them. I think the vibes were just that they used to be togther and prob still cared about each other so I think that's all it was *still side-eyeing Ethan even after he passed away idk never trust a cop even in death*
I *sincerely* appreciate the image I have of Taylor Sheridan (there are like two other credited writers lol) giggling over his Chromebook tapping out this little roast about Bernthal's inordinately thick, hard ass looking skull. He's a real one for that, and he's (and the other writers lmao) the only one I really respect.
Me if I had a man
Is Team Swirl UP? Idk y'all, I think they might be :')
Why does Ethan talk about his bro-in-law and nephew like this? Lol idk he sounded so disconnected from them and I'm pretty sure we never once see him interact with either of them lmao such an odd choice but probably kinda real espesh since his sister passed away it would prob make sense if they became distant after her death idk
Why does the camera linger on the plate here? Idk it felt like something that'd happen in an
I Think You Should Leave sketch lol
Pleaz why does Angelina look so glamorous in this movie. It's so ridiculous lol I'm pretty sure sum1 who works her job and lives her rough and tumble lifestyle would look far more hardscrabble and worse 4 wear. Dale Dickey, fire ur agent!
Nick Hoult looks so unAmerican to me this movie is
deeply unserious. Even with him in head-2-toe camo gear and literally wielding a military-grade weapon I'm like nope that's a posho, he shops at Tesco or what's the posh Tesco? Wainsrots? (Waitrose lol) That face thinks "tea" is unseasoned beans on a piece of bread. That face calls cookies "biscuits" like come on now
me when I'm supposed to be doing shit
Wait why is this little boy kinda serving a diva moment? Meanwhile his father is sitting right next to him riddled with bullets lmao
This is a lesson for nosy Karens: mind your business, y'all
Talmbout y'all left the scene a mess. Yeah, no shit! The unprofessionalism! Are these two meant to be bumbling fools coded? I couldn't tell, but they were quite sloppy to me. Just leaving a trail of bodies, and no type of clean-up to be found. Y'all need to lose y'all jobs, and y'all need 2 be deported #closetheborders
Why is Tyler Perry in this movie?... Like I said:
unserious
Now why y'all do that? These two idiots started a whole forest fire as a distraction from their sloppy assassin work. Who hired these fools? Tyler Perry, that's who. Now it's all starting to make sense.
Baby... when those two inbred assassins tried to roll up on Ethan's wife I started screaming - don't play with me! I was so heated lol like let's not. I'm glad my girl peeped pretty quickly and snatched that bear spray but they still were able to get in the house and start whooping on her and at the end of the day Taylor Sheridan and co are going to Hell, so that at least is
some consolation.
Me when the movie tries to insist every character is American despite
several very non-American faces, voices, hairstyles and aesthetics
Don't piss me off...
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!! lol
Periot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, but like, the way I was cheering. Like ok Taylor and co wanted to give us a cute little torture the pregnant black goddess scene which is like um
okay but at least they redeemed themselves
a little bit here (a little bit a little bit)
Hannah always snoozing - girl, GET UP!
Hannah looked deranged as hell trying to give that little fatherless boy advice on how to lure a blonde cheerleader into the middle of the woods in the future and then potentially assault her. Literally WHAT was she on about?? Even the little boy was like wtf..
It was very funny when Hannah tried to trauma-dump on the little orphan boy and he immediately was like "Well I watched my mom die from cancer so.." - he outdivaed THEE Diva, I fear
Incredibly pleased that Assassin #1 (the not Tall One) was all fucked up about the face and a little bit passing away. Allison did her big one by setting him on fire. That's my girl yup yup!!
Well... you
are very much giving Goon about the face. Very Goon #3 vibes. But also very cop-coded as well. It's giving BIG cut off the body cam, shoot first, ask questions later energy. Cops and goons aren't exactly famous for their intelligence and those are the mostest vibes you are putting down so what can we glean from this? I know *you* probably can't glean anything, due 2 the dent-brain affliction, but maybe someone with a working brain can put two and two together and come to some conclusions!
me flirting with bae :)
Me when Allison literally set one of the assassins on fire and he refused 2 pass away? Them inbred genes is SKRONG!
Wait why did I get excited when Allison chose the horse to literally ride in to white knight 4 her yt on the birth certificate but puerto rican about the face KANG?? Honestly, I was rooting for Allison to just make peace that her man was passed away and find another yt cop kang to play daddy to her child like it's really never that serious but I'm a bad person and that's not Allison unfortunately - I'm just saying it should be :) But Allison riding on horseback into the wilderness to save her KANG was very badass very much girlboss very much
final girl with a little bit of pickme sprinkled in so the normies in the audience will have something to make them feel good about themselves and all their terrible choices :)
me gangstalking my man <3
The way I wanted to THROW UP
Don't piss me off..
Why does Ethan want his babygirl to survive when he knows good and damn well he won't be there to provide for her? I'm always on the side of let the baby die/save the parents *crowd booing sounds eventho I'm RIGHT*
Why is Hannah so DIVA and COUTURE literally getting her ass whooped to a pulp by a six foot tall Bri'ish tree?
Wait, this would make a
sick EP cover for the most mid indie-pop music you have ever heard in your life
I liked how Hannah ended up using the axe to take down Tall Assassin that Ethan previously said wouldn't be enough to get them out of their predicament. It's giving Girls Rule the World idk
Periot!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Team Swirl Up or Down? Like, literally they're about to be consumed by a fire, but fire can be purifying (positive). But like literally they are about to pass away (negative) and Ethan was not able to really help them at all lmao and he had to be saved by his woman but she wasn't able to help him when she arrived either lmao hmm. Team Swirl Down 4 the count, I fear :(
This was cool when Hannah and the little boy were literally chased by a raging fire into the water to save themselves, but it seemed completely unrealistic lmao. Like, I don't.......
think you can outrun a blazing fire lmaooo. I don't know anything about wildfires or how fast they are so idk MAYBE, but it just did not seem realistic in the slightest, but who cares when it looks cool??
Why does Hannah look gorgeous here? It's giving Chernobyl Couture. Ridiculous. Spent the entire night wading in the water trying not to get singed to death by the raging flames of a fire started by two inbred dolts, and you emerge giving Gia Carangi editorial shoot like HUH? Also, why did the fire go down? Is that possible *knows nothing about fire voice*? This movie is made for idiots like me cuz I literally know
nothing, and eventho I'm like squinting my eyes at things that happen, my dumb brain prevents me from being able to *prove* anything happening is actually absurd or wrong so I just forget it and switch my focus to trying to figure out if Angelina is wearing a wig or is her hair CGI??
This looked cool, but I knew right then and there our man was passed away.
Cut the cameras..
Why does she look glamorous? I'm tired..
The black smokejumper guy who has a crush on Hannah comes to "rescue" her and the boy and he asks her how the fire was (???), like how it was to see it up close, and Hannah's deranged ass said it was beautiful (y'all almost died????), but the boy, who is significantly less deranged, is like um I was scared as shit tf? Like, exactly!
Shaking my head, rejecting the words, as vomit fills my bruised and weary lungs
Literally my face when Allison said "There's no rush" to a medevac being called for her man. PLease LORD TAKE ME NOW!!!
Why in one of the last moments of the movie did they have the little boy call Hannah anorexic and she's like lol no I'm just lean :) HUH? Y'all just almost passed away? Y'all killed sum1 2gether... Why is this important right now??
Lmao the little orfan boy asks Hannah what he's going to do now that he doesn't have parents anymore and she's just like idk you'll figure it out lmaoooooo
Me at the end of the movie lmao. Eventho I was talking shit I actually liked the movie as a whole. It's totally absurd but it held my interest. I'm just pissed they killed my baby Ethan. Trade him for that girl's vaping boyfriend instead like why do you want biracial daughters to be fatherless??? This is how we get Doja Cat smh!
