Leave Her to Heaven (1945)

Leave Her to Heaven is one of my favorite movies and Ellen is my queen. Everything about her is just so glamorous and cunt and she's shitting on every hoe at all times anywhere. She's just, better than you. So it's like...kinda weird how thirsty she is about Richard Harland. But, that's mainly, and creepily, because he looks like her dad? And so that's probably mostly only why Ellen even entertains him? Because like...what is it about Richard that is really so enthralling? Who is really so geeked to marry his boring ~I write books~ ass? I just know his books probably dusty as fuck. Anyone who dully nicknames someone "The Gal with the Hoe" writes shitty, dry ass books, guaranteed. And anyone who is so easily swept off their feet by some clearly psychotic horse-riding demon queen, is someone too stupid to write really good-like. These are facts. 

So I relate a lot to Ellen. Wait, no! lol. I relate to

1. Hating Danny

2. When she was mad annoyed after Richard and Danny and that groundskeeper dude "surprised" her by bringing her family up to Back of the Moon.

1. expanded: Danny deserved to die. Bottom line. No wait. Okay, no one deserves to die except any brony, but Danny was mad annoying! Like he was so yuck. My thing is: Whyyyyyy did Ellen make his legs start working again? Lol the doc was all "You damn near willed that boy to walk!". This bitch done super-saiyaned his fucking spine back correct or some shit, but why? What did she think would happen? Did she think Richard would send him to boarding school immediately? Or maybe she was thinking oh, I'll do this nice thing for my husband he'll be so happy, but didn't think beyond what would happen if Danny was better? Like...he's obviously not going to stay in a hospital type environment if...he doesn't need to? Hello, kaduh, Ellen! 

So I kind of blame Ellen for making Danny's legs start working again and there I do not relate to her. If my ultimate goal was to be alone with my husband no way would I 1. cozy up to his kin and 2. make his kin better so they wouldn't need to be in a hospital and would have to go home and home would likely be where my husband was? So dumb. Make the environment as uncomfortable and impossible as possible so the hubs doesn't even think to bring the brother to the house. Ellen is slow af. Then she was acting like some martyr like, I gave up my honeymoon for this!! Um, who told you to do that? Ellen is way too cunt to be doing shit to make Richard happy. Like who cares about his happiness? Lol it's not like he's going to leave you smh, do better as a demon cunt succubus queen, Ellen! 

2. expanded: I don't like "surprises" either. And if I was on some fake honeymoon with my dude, and his brother was already there getting on my fucking nerves, and then the idiot brings my fake-sis and moms up there, too? I would lose it. But probably one of my fave scenes from any movie is that almost cringingly uncomfortable scene where the groundskeeper dude is playing the banjo or some shit idk and Danny is singing (kill. me!) and Ellen is just fucking walking around scowling with this dark thundercloud ass energy omg it's amazing. It's so good. BITCH WHEN DANNY DROPS HIS CRUTCH! TALKING BOUT LOOK AT THIS TRICK I CAN DO!! BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!! The dead ass silence after that when everyone is sick-scared at upsetting Ellen and her reaction BITTCHCHCHHCHCCHCH! Like, I wish to have that sort of power of my annoyance just filling a room like toxic gas fumes and everyone is just slowly choking to death MY GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

The baby thing. Bitch, Ellen, bitch. Whyyyy did you get pregnant if you didn't want this baby? Well, like obviously it was to make Richard ~forget~ about Danny (lol smh), but...again I just don't understand her obsession with Richard's feelings lol. It's so weird. Like, to me, she doesn't even view him as a person, but a possession, so why does she really care how he feels? Though I guess she's aware enough to know you have to make some modicum of effort to appease your possession in order to keep it, but if she was really about that life he'd just be chained up in the basement and she wouldn't have to worry about frivolous, common things such as his feelings and shit. Sigh, I blame them not having the internet back then. Poor thing.

But I LOVE the ultra-drama of Ellen flinging herself down the steps in bedroom slippers that have a tiny little heel on them. Who does that? Also Ellen kills me with how obvious she is. Like everyone just auto-knows she threw herself down the stairs lol. And of course everyone knew she killed Danny. It's so funny like she's so sloppy but everyone's too scared to say anything? Desired aesthetic. But also desired aesthetic is Ellen's mom leaving the room when Ellen sits down next to her and then later in the movie spending all her time in her room. I am both of them. 

I go back and forth about Ellen's fake-sis Ruth. Wait first can we talk about how Jeanne Crain and Gene Tierney go neck and neck beauty-wise? I think Gene wins because she's more...beautiful than cute, whereas Jeanne is more cute, but I like that the two main ladies are just shitting on pretty much any Hollywood Ho, at least around the time this movie came out. I can't think of a more cunt Hollywood Ho. Maybe that chick smh I'm forgetting her name but she like invented stuff? Was an astrophysicist or some shit? Sigh, you know who I mean. (u don't). (Hedy Lamarr!!) But that's it. And then the Technicolor assness of this movie and their dark features and make-up - I was really getting my life. Shame the male love interest is Cornel Wilde's doofy looking ass. One of the things I hate the most about old timey movies is the lame-looking ass male love interests. There were some hottie/studs back then like Cary Grant annnnnd Gary Cooper was pretty hot...and a handful of others but bitch most of these Fred MacMurray and Van Heflin looking type dudes be really fucking the shit up. You be watching like...Joan Crawford is flinging herself onto couches over him? Girl, pl...

Anyway, Ruth was a total hoe. The Hoe with the Hoe, more like. Lol, no, but she did put Richard on her list from day one even though she knew he was interested in Ellen. Though, Ellen was engaged to Vincent Price's outside-voice having ass, so...she wasn't wrong for wanting the dick report. But Richard is not that cute, his hair is dusty and uneven, so, actually, Ruth was sort of wrong for wanting the d report. You want a d report on a nigga who looks like he gets his eyebrows threaded at the beauty supply store? Okay...

What I really love is that Ellen's mother adopted Ruth because Ellen was such a fucking   crazy ass bitch since birth. Ellen's mother was like nah fuck this, and just went and adopted a non-crazy daughter and threw her hands up at the sitch. But tbh, if she had maybe tried a smidge, Ellen wouldn't have turned into such a casual ass child murderer lol and smh. But idk...Ellen seems like the type of crazy that is cemented from the start and there is no chance at chipping away at it. That shit is there to stay. So I guess Ellen's mother was smart for getting a new daughter, but honestly if she was really smart she would've smothered Ellen in her crib and made it look like an accident like SIDS or something but anyway this is only one of a million reasons why I will never be shit. 

Benny Mankes was saying on TCM how Gene Tierney was considered so beautiful by Hollywood that I guess she was never taken seriously as an actress? (Lame!). But this movie and her subsequent Best Actress Oscar nom (deserved!), changed things greatly. But how? Lol I can't even think of other shit in Gene's resume that topped or even a little bit came close to this? And don't talk to me about The Razor's Edge, that's Anne Baxter's movie.

It would've been nice to see Gene do a bunch of other shit, Leave Her to Heavenish. Just crazying it up on the screen. But maybe she would've been annoyed about typecasting? Sometimes typecasting is okay. Like her just playing psychotic bad bitches in a million movies would've been legendary. But alas, that was not to be. I should look her up, like I don't really know her story. I think she had one of those "breaks" and maybe died youngish? Probably no and no to both, but maybe? Anyway, at least she left us with Leave Her to Heaven. Even the best actresses who get to do a million cool shits don't have such an iconic performance and movie as this. Like even Cate Blanchett doesn't have a Leave Her to Heaven. So Gene definitely achieved a feat. Also she gave us such great looks. I stole from the interwebs:

ICONIC. 

The whole time Ellen was spreading her father's ashes while riding the mountains or some shit on a goddamn horse all I could do was pterodactyl-screech at the top of my lungs: "WHAT A FREAK!". Just a luxuriously psychotic piece.

Speaking of ICONIQÙE. Just such a look and such a Moment™. But whose fault is it really that Danny drowned? I think Danny's ultimately. You do have Unspecified Movie Cripple Disease, so? Why you swimming so long and going so far out into the water for? Use your stupid dulled brain to think. Well, you can't now cuz u dead, but if you was alive do that.

better. IKONICK. 

Iconique beat face she is better than you and your mom and your mom's mom and Abraham Lincoln's mom obviously like there's no way anyone who birthed an exhumed giraffe skeleton looks good like it's not even close.

lol this was after Ellen had flung herself down the stairs and had her miscarriage and at the hospital Ellen's mom was like "First his brother, now his son" and I FUCKING CHOKED and then you see this bitch skipping gaily af out the water and I CHOKED AGAIN, BITCH! Harryeyeconnickjr.

Anyway this is a great movie lol 10/10 rec, watch it. Don't make a mistake and not watch it. I'll come to your home and sing the Jigglypuff lullba--wait, that's not a threat, that would be a gift. A gift from me, to you.