Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 2: The Watcher (2016)

So there's a black dude and a white chick and they're moving into a new home. The black dude is played by that zesty, dread-having vampire from Twilight, so you know immediately not to care about what happens to them.  

There's some creepy neighbor lady with a slowbus son who is like around all the time. Delivering cookies and shit and just being kind of a lowkey intrusion on the couple. It's like right away obvious that the neighbor lady is nefarious. This is one of those ~creepy house happenings~ type movies, but you can kinda gleam immediately that this isn't going to be a haunted house type of deal. Like as soon as we meet the neighbor lady she is instantly creepy, but being fake like she's just a long-suffering mom to some idiot son. It's like...it was obvious she wasn't a red herring (though she kind of was??), it was just obvious, whatever weird shit that was about to happen, would involve her somehow.  

So the neighbor lady is poisoning the Woman Lead slowly over time. I don't know if the movie like doesn't want us to know this, but they do all these ominous, not at all subtle close-ups on the food as the woman is getting sicker and sicker and it's like, kaduh.  Then there's all this weird stuff with some bird person. It's like some giant bird haunting the house, I guess? Anyway, DUH, turns out all the happenings were being caused by the neighbor lady. Her backstory was wild whack, too. Like, the house the lead couple moved into, the neighbor lady has been trying to get since like the seventies. I think her family used to have it, but it was taken from them maybe or went into foreclosure? And maybe apparently she was supposed to have the house at one point, but an Asian couple moved in before she could get it. SOOO she starts poisoning the wife half of that Asian couple, and then when she gets super-sick, she poses as a nurse so she can get into the house and further sicken the woman until she dies. Those were the previous inhabitants of the house, then the current swirl couple moves in. 

I guess the crazy neighbor bitch tried to get the house after the Asian couple evacuated, but lost the bid to cookies and cream? And it's like, maybe chill? Lol, like for two seconds of your life, take a fucking chill pill. Whose crazy ass is spending mad time tryna poison people to death so they move out of a house you feel you deserve to own? Like, all that time you're spending shopping for poisoning and crazy bitch supplies, you could be making more money for your house-buying savings, or, I DON'T KNOW, getting your ass on zillow and finding another house???? Lol, like, what is you doing??

So towards the end, everyone finds out about the neighbor lady and her crazy schemes. The one black dude from Twilight the whole time was never really feeling the neighbor lady. He got them nigga spidey senses. Crazy bitch alert. But his wife was one of them, so couldn't see. She just saw another fellow WW and was all :). STUPID!  

But PLOT TWIST, I guess?, turns out her slow bus son was like the mastermind behind all the crazy shit? I don't think so, though? I'm pretty sure it was mostly the mom? But maybe the son did some things? Lol they tried to pull a ~he's not really a retard he's Keyser Söze~>~> type deal where he switched from drooling to sneering with menace and pleasurement. And they implied he was the one killing everyone??? Um idk because it clearly seemed like it was just the mom. All of that was dumb, I think.

But check this. Ol' Ebony and Ivory head asses fucking, like, adopt this kid. Lol and this is a big bitch. This is practically a grown man. They're like you'll never be harmed again, and he in the backseat grinning to himself in an evil way and you know these idiots gon' get burned (like literally set on fire - i think the movie explained he was an arsonist?). But you don't care because you didn't connect to the main characters. Mainly cuz that n-word from Twilight had like a small fro and his hairline looked weird and there's just always something off about the interracial relationships in movies. Like they get the darkest dude lol and then some corny, Melissa George knock-off and you're like, girl hurry up and human centipede these fools or whatever so I can write my shitty blogpost about it and never think about this mess ever again. k great thanks :) no thank youuu!! thanks!!!

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The Watcher

The Visit (2015)

So Indian coon M. Night Shyamalan has brought us another horrific masterpiece. I mean horror masterpiece. How come M. Night's movies like never have Indians? I haven't seen all his movies, but I've seen most and where his peeps be? Or is he one of those? Lol you opened this post calling him an Indian coon, no need to play coy now. Anyway I'll never be shit but like what's with all these white people??????? And don't his movies be set in like Philly a lot???? When I think of Philly I don't think about whiteys I think about multicultural gutter trash, but maybe I have an incorrect idea of what all is going on there. But you can't convince me otherwise that M. Night not shit. He did do After Earth, but prob only cuz he was butt-probed into it by the aliens. He didn't feel that shit in his heart. (After Earth is underrated leave me alone! lol no it's pretty bad smh). 

Wait, but imagine The Happening if it had Indians!! Imagine like any movie M. Night made but if it had Indians? Like, way more interesting, right? Jus sayin! I love The Sixth Sense, but imagine like Indians! Lol it's so simple and revolutionary. I don't understand! But like can we at least imagine The Happening w/o Marky Mark & Bang Face??? Or, honestly? Can we imagine The Happening but it never existed? That's the best scenario.

So The Visit actually wasn't too bad lmfao and smh. Um, sigh. So it's basically about these two ultra milk-fed white kids who go to visit their grandparents, whom they've never met, because their mother is estranged from them. So, this broad sends them off to live with the people she ran away from and hasn't seen in like fifteen years and oh, also doesn't drop them off to make sure everything is okay before she leaves her kids to stay with them for a week so she can go on some sad people cruise with her possibly latino boyfriend we never see on-screen (smh M. Night, are you against just any sign of color?!?). 

So who's surprised when the grandparents turn out weird as fuck?? No one if you saw the trailer with the gramma asking the girl to climb in the oven. Also, there's just something about an old woman with long hair. Witch teas. My desired aesthetic. But it's an obvious tell.

 

So what are the weird shits the grandparents are doing? Wait, do I want to talk about the kids? They're cute. The boy is--They're both slightly annoying. They're white and look like mannequins at Gymboree. But they made me care about them, so it's successful acting mostly. The boy is more annoying because he has a lisp and, like, raps. It is HORRIFYING. I am not being hyperbolic. I had to skip that bit at the end because I would have had an aneurysm if I was forced to suffer through that. I think I also skipped the other time he "rapped" in the movie? It was so bad, I'm sorry, don't ever do that again. But aside from that, the boy is okay. He's actually the more...I think rational one? Or no lol, the one who wants to put up a camera to record the grandparents at night. Cuz duh! Also, he used the words "ratchet acne" to describe some ugly dude his sister had a crush on, and I will always love him for that. 

The girl one has insecurities that did not seem to be of any real significance except to play into the whole kids of a broken home angle, which I guess was supposed to add the ~emotional feel~, but I didn't need all that. It was enough for the kids to be alone in the house with these creepy ass grandparents. 

Let's tuck into the weirdness!:

-gramma spider-crawling like a crazy person under the crawlspace thing when the kids were messing around under there. Can we talk about how weird ass shit like this would happen and they'd just be like "lol wtf". NAH!!! I'M CALLING MY MOM AND TELLING HER ASS TO PICK ME THE FUCK UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!! fuck you mean!!!!! 

-OKAY LIKE WHEN THE BOY FOUND THE GRANDPA'S PILE OF SOILED DIAPERS IN THAT SHED!! UMMMMMM! NOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!!!! They kept saying things like ~this is what old people do~ ~~this is how old people are~~ UM, SOO?! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE AND BE CREEPED OUT AND BE SCARED?! NOOOOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!

-and like they would skype their mom and be like...gramma and grandpa are being ~wëïrd~~ and the mom would kinda dismiss it because she was getting her groove back?? Um no I would go get my kids because like didn't she leave home for a reason, also isn't it weird how the grandparents are never around when the kids call her? I get she's estranged from them, but tbh she should've reconciled before sending her kids over there like wtf, or at least opened a line of communication so you can talk to them and make sure they're taking care of your kids properly LIKE WTF!! No but now it makes sense why M. Night uses white people a lot because they be on that bs and it just makes the ridiculousness of these movies go over better I guess

-the girl walked in on the grandpa clearly about to kill himself?? He had a shotgun in his mouth and she did nothing? WHAT DO U MEAN?! SHE SAW HIM BECAUSE SHE WAS RECORDING WHEN SHE WENT IN THERE!! WHAT the fuck!!!

-the gramma would be like scratching the walls up at night and running around and throwing up and shit and when the kids asked the grandpa about it he told them she had some sort of sundowners disease or some shit that makes old people go crazy when it gets dark out? UM OKAY I WANT TO GO HOME!!!  

-um that dusty old broad asking baby girl to climb in the oven. UM, NOOOO?? THIS OVEN JUST WON'T GET CLEAN. Fuck you mean!! Then the boy going like "Gramma..." when she closed the door on the girl UM NO BEAT THAT BITCH'S ASS!! I don't get it...

So turns out the grandparents aren't even their actual gramps. I figured once the grandma "accidentally" broke the camera on their laptop, that it would turn out to be something in that vein. And def knew what the tea was when they fixed the camera and skyped their mom complaining about all the crazy shit lol and the girl turned the camera to the grandparents outside and the mom was like um, that's not your grandparents. It was a good moment, but is it me or SHOULD SHE NOT HAVE BEEN FREAKING OUT MORE! I would've been throwing up, LIKE RUN!!!! The fuck? Lol they was all way too calm. Does this kinda thing happen to white people a lot? Lol like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?  The entire movie they was just all too nonchalant about mad alarming ass shit lol.

So they karate chopping the grandparents or whatever at the end of the movie. Honestly once we get the tea about them not being the real grandparents, but asylum escapees, it's like aight hurry up and get these fucking kids out the house. All in all, this was a pretty enjoyable movie tbh. The thing I require from any horror film is that they make me care about the characters and I cared about the kids and what happened to them, so it was a success for me. Well, mostly, let's not take it too far smh. But don't ever end a movie with a white kid rapping ever again or I will personally go to your home and take a shit on your head while you sleep, M. Night Shyamalan. Though you seem like you'd lowkey be into that. Hit me up if you are ;)

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The Visit

Macabre (1980)

Macabre. Very weird movie, but I expected this when I saw it was Italian horror but set in New Orleans. Shouldn't've been anything but.  

So I found out about this cool app that has like only horror movies, called Shudder. It's pretty cool and not even really expensive and no this isn't sponsored no one reads this fucking blog to be giving me sponsorships. I'm heated I have to pay the monthly like five dollars for the Shudder app on my own, I fucking wish, smh. But the app is pretty cool and I like just going on there and looking up weird shit to watch. Macabre was one of these weird shits. 

I don't typically like Italian movies, but if I am going to watch some over-dramatic ass Italian film, I will make sure it's a horror film. They at least do something intriguing with horror, but a lot of the times I be like...bitch... And also I have issues with like...dubbed speech. Shit bothers me, it never lines up with the mouth like do something about this lol fix it. I don't think there was dubbed speech in Macabre, besides like obvious post-production sound stuff. So I didn't have to be bothered by that while watching and could just kick back and enjoy the PURE BS.  

So this movie was kind of hilarious? Like it opens with some kids, a son and daughter playing in the yard. The father leaves for work or whatever. Then a bit later the mother comes out and tells the nanny or whatever to watch them, she's going out. The daughter whines because I think the mother promised them she'd take them to the movies or something, but she's like fuck off I have to go. 

1. It's clear the mom hates her kids and 

2. Is going to do an affair. 

It's just inherently funny to be dipping out on your kids to do an affair, and like pushing their heads out of the way as you run to your lover, idk it's just funny lol, but I'm a bad person, so.

I hated the daughter immediately. She's weird-looking and just has the most punchable face lol which is obviously the worst shit to be saying about a kid, but, sips tea, she was cast for a reason. I really think we're supposed to lowkey hate the daughter. I mean, she drowns her brother lol, so prob? So yeah like...she drowns the brother lol. Because she was mad at her mommy. And I guess this was her little revenge. The mom gets a call at the house she's doing her affair in about the son and like starts rushing home. Her lover is like I'll drive and they end up getting in an accident and he gets his head impaled and dies and then fast forward like a year to the mother being released from the mental hospital lol. High drama. 

So after the mother gets released from the loony bin, she goes to live in the house where she used to smash her lover. The house used to be run by some old woman, but she died, so now it's run by her blind son. So many things happening here that my feeble brain can't wrap up and explain as succinctly as I'd like, so bullet points:

1. Imdb is telling me the name of the blind dude was Robert Duval. Lol okay. He's played by this guy named Stanko Molnar who looks like a not as handsome, less masculine Terence Stamp. So like still hot, but kind of creepy? It was very on-brand, whatever that means idk I'm just saying shit at this point. 

2. It looked like Robert was being taken care of by his mother, so it's weird how he's just Okay now that she's dead. But maybe I was reading it wrong.

3. The main character woman is named Jane and she's weird as shit. She like gets her old sluttin' apartment back so she could do some weirdo seance, shrine shit for her dead boo. But like what about your son? Lol, well I guess she never really fucked with him like that, so moving on! 

4. Not sure what Jane be doing in her room, but she be having like orgasms and shit? Do she...be fucking the ghost of her dead bae, or just cumming to his memory? Either way, girl, you gotta move out!! 

Except not really, because Robert has a boner for Jane. But she be paying his ass dust for some damn decapitated head. Oh yeah, she snatched the decapitated head of her dead bae and like put it in her ice box. And like at night she takes the head out and constructs his body back together with pillows or something? And then fucks that...pile of like covers and pillows and shit? 

Blah blah Robert finds out about the head and keeps trying to tell on Jane. But he just calls her husband? Lol the husband be on the phone like I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THAT BITCH!! Then the daughter in the mix making fun of Robert, saying how her mother will never love him and then some weirdo shit implying she wants to be her mother's girlfriend or side chick or something lol. But the gag is Jane is checking for none of you hoes? She has her head in the icebox, and y'all can stay mad.

Lemme just say: I have never been so happy than when Jane straight up murdered her daughter and that bitch stopped existing forever. She was annoying and DESERVED TO DIE. Now on to something that really matters! 

Wait - how did this movie end? Idk, stupidly probably. Like this blog post

It Follows (2015)

So...was this movie an allegory about...sex? How sex...affects...people? I'M EXTREMELY DUMB, but it seems that the...haunting or whatever, was like an std. And this movie was kind of like saying, What if sexually transmitted diseases were like...idk, evil spirits? Or evil spiritual attachments? Sexually transmitted demonic hauntings. Which is a cool, sort of sci-fi little idea. 

I was really excited to see this movie but I gotta learn about getting excited to see these hyped indie films. They're always underwhelming. It Follows was--I felt detached from the subject matter. For me, for horror films, I need to connect. Because ultimately I want to be scared. This wasn't scary, but if you look at it from a more sci-fi angle I think it's pretty intriguing. It was enjoyable to watch for the most part. I didn't know what was going to happen and I was definitely interested in seeing what was.

OKAY BUT WHAT WAS THE ENDING? Wait, first, what was their fucking idea to like electrocute the spirit thing out of Jay?? Lol. That just seemed entirely incredibly dumb. WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN PAUL SHOT YARA IN THE LEG AND SHE WAS JUST SITTING OFF TO THE SIDE HOLDING HER LEG KIND OF GROANING??? Idk that was just really funny, but shout out to Olivia Luccardi your gap is so cute and I want to see you in more things. Like Yara and her little clam book reader thing was the best character in the film, hands down be quiet!

WAIT! Can we talk about that random spiel about Detroit and 8 Mile? That was really random. Was it some sort of racial commentary? Can't be! Eminem was from 8 Mile, soooo! But like seriously why were they randomly talking about the divide from Detroit suburbs to the inner city or whatever? Whoever wrote this film does know that's how suburbs and cities work, right???? Like the suburbs are "nice" and the cities are "rough" and if you're from the suburbs your parents warn you about crossing over a certain line, because there's grass and then there's jungle. I wonder if their twenty second commentary about Detroit and 8 Mile or whatever ties into whatever metaphor this movie is trying to...metaphor lol. Like the thing with how it stops being suburbs and starts being the city at a certain point. Does that tie in with--what I believe, anyway--is commentary on...how sex affects you? I mean, I wish I were less dumb, because I could like...intellectually fucking parse better. And I know this movie is not even smart lol and that's what kills me. But I just wish I was smart enough to decode not even smart things. Life is hard.

But anyway!! Again! What the fuck was the ending?? Jay ends up with Paul's dry ass? Real quick can we talk about how I used to love Keir Gilchrist? When he used to be Moosh on United States of Tara and was giving me everything I needed as Tara's consistently pressed son? Now I like...don't care. Too bad so sad but I still wanna know how Paul ended up bagging Jay? She didn't wanna fuck him so bad that when she HAD to fuck someone else to get ride of her curse, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO??? I almost wonder if the demon thing was like Paul at the end? And like the curse is Jay has to date him? Lol idfk. Oh wait, I forgot they fucked. Or. Hmm. Did she pass it on to Paul? What the fuck happened, bro? No. I def feel they fucked something up in the thunderstorm at the pool and so she fucks Paul and now she's cursed with having to date him. Sucks, man. Anyway, 7/10 would recommend.

The Spiral Staircase (1945)

I watched this recently having forgotten I had already seen it. I take no issue with rewatching movies, I do that shit all the time, it's just if I had remembered I'd seen this particular one, I would...have not rewatched it??

So redflag right away that I didn't even remember having seent this shit. Okay, and then while I'm watching lol the whole time I'm like...pretty.......sure I've seen this..........and then pretty much towards the middle of the film I was sure I had seen it and was annoyed because this movie is full of old timey actors who get on my nerves. Fucking Dorothy McGuire's mousy ass, George Brent's fat ass, fucking Ethel Barrymore's old ass, fucking Kent Smith's bland ass jesus christmas. So pissed I forgot I seent this shit lol.

So whatever, tbh, it was like I had never seen it, because I forgot everything that happened. This movie is mad forgettable, imo. But I am coming from a place where I hate all the actors lol, but I think just the story is lame? Like no shit George Brent was the killer, right? It was all obvious. An actual thrill would have been if it was Ethel Barrymore's bed ridden ass. The brother as the red herring was wayyyyyyyyy too obvious. He was all to his girl like YOU'LL REGRET THIS when she broke up with him lol and we're supposed to think ooooh murder when he just seemed like some spitty little kid feeling some type of way, not, like, Jeffrey Dahmer? He's an obnoxious rich playboy type idk where yall getting serial killer from but mmmkay. And then even Ethel was believing it was him lol. Wasn't he her bio son? Wow. And like...he wasn't the killer! It's so funny to me that she was just sure he was lol idk.

Anyway, George Brent's ~motive~ for killing crippleds was very lame (ha). Like, his dad hated weak people. Apparently George and his bro were pansy asses or whatever and their dad hated them for it, I guess. OKAY BUT DIDN'T ETHEL SAY THE DAD WAS A DRUNK? How is that not a weakness? Get some fucking self-awareness! And then the same with George. How is not feeling some type of way about "weak" people and killing them...not a weakness in itself lol? A strong person would be completely unbothered by a bitch with a peg leg, or who looks like Dorothy McGuire lol, like being a murderer is one of the pussiest shits of all time??? Like you're mad whack and no one likes you?? You have no friends and everyone thinks you're ugly? You're crippled in your soul and no one's coming to your funeral, so there.

I don't like this movie. It's not good. It's corny and dumb. I liked the thunderstorm, I guess. It looked especially unrealistic? So there's...that.

Hush (2016)

This movie was lit af. Like Wait Until Dark but deaf meets The Strangers. Does that sound really bad and dumb? It does! And this movie totally could have went in that direction and maybe did several times, but, bitch, who cares?!, because I was getting my fuccckingnnggnLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFEEEE!! 

This is def the best horror film I've seen in a minute. I was yelling at the screen non-stop but it's like, girl...not only can the bitch not hear you cuz she in the screen...but...she deaf... 

You can tell a movie is lit when I'm yelling at a bitch who can't hear me on multiple levels. I had so much fun!  

So this shit starts out with this chick Maddie. She's cooking--poorly, it seems--and I'm just like sigh hurry up. Would I really hate a horror movie that just started immediately on the stabbings and demon possessions? No. I would...I think I would like that. But you know, I think the beginning ~boring shit~ really made me care about Maddie. I don't know if it's cuz she's deaf...or she was just likeable and sympathetic or she was likeable and sympathetic because she was deaf? I don't know, but I realized as the action was popping off that I, like, super-cared about her not being dead. 

Anyway, the boring shit beginning is only a short while. Ol' girl is cooking some nasty mess and then her friend-o comes over. It's some hype neighbor bitch who seems mad condescending and try-hard lol. Idk if that's just me projecting, but I would be annoyed if I was deaf and a Hearer was all up in my face doing poor sign language and asking me to come over to teach her how to fucking talk to me. Like, girl, be gone. Also her comments about Maddie's book...didn't seem... They were like something you'd say if you were trying really hard to find something positive about some shit you hated so much it made you want to throw up and die??? She was like..."wow...the ending! didn't see that coming!!!!" and..."ur such a...[forces down vomit] good writer." Who calls someone a good writer? That's some bullshit you say to your student if he handed in serial killer poetry. Omg Devon this is sooo...good. All while you calling up social services or something. Idk why I was focusing so much on this bitch lol maybe it was the actress or the way she was reading her lines? But she bothered me. However, seeing her...get shanked like...at least twenty million times...was not as pleasurable as I thought it was going to be. Wait! I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm so glad no one reads this blog or cares about my existence :')

The smoke alarm goes off while the neighbor bitch is over and she's all "IT'S SO LOUD!!!" and Maddie is like yeah, bitch...so I can feel the vibrations. CUZ DEAF. They hang out for a bit more, and then eventually neighbor bitch leaves. After neighbor bitch leaves, Maddie gets down to writing her novel. She's struggling with the ending, I guess? I never try to figure out what stuff in the beginning of the movie is going to factor in later on when I watch horror films. I'm just totally ignoring the writer shit and the alarm thing. Also a little bit the deaf thing. I'm just like ohhhh haha she aint gon' be able to hear her intruder. It's like bitch...they have to do a whole movie. It's not just going to be her sitting on her couch while the intruder dances in the background until he gets tired and decides to kill her. Though...I would watch that. 

Okay and then shit starts popping off in like a major way when Maddie goes in to clean up in the kitchen. First of all: is this a white people thing? Houses surrounded by glass doors and nothing covering the glass? People can see into your house. Yeah you live out in the middle of nowhere, but...I feel like that's even more reason to cover that shit up. What if a bear see?? Come on.

So while Maddie is cleaning in the kitch, her neighbor friend runs up to the door and is banging on it for help. But Maddie can t hear cuz she's - what? DEAF. 

The killer nigga fucking bow and arrows this ho, then comes up and starts stabbing her like crazy. I was like...

I was feelin...some type of way. I don't like gore stuff, tbh lol. Like I'm super into horror films but anytime there's like mad stabbing or sawing or punching or kicking or any sort of violent blows to the body I'm just like 

Feeling uncomf. He stabbed this bih...so much. Soo...many times. Please never do this again. But at the same time: yess. It's lit. I'm ready. I wish I wasn't like this please help.

So after Neighbor Bih gets the shanking of a lifetime!!, Maddie goes back to work on her book and it's cute that she has writer's block or whatever and she's just cute in general but it might be because she's deaf or maybe it's just cuz she's cute we'll never know. She gets a facetime call thing from her sis and this intruder nigga all up in the house. I was mad annoyed with him when he removed the phone while Maddie was talking to her sister. The sis was all "What was that? I saw something move in the background??" Like what a dummy. But why am i like...rooting for him to do a better job at murder games? Idk...

After Maddie talks to her sis, shit pops off again when the murder nigga starts sending photos of Maddie in real-time, to Maddie, from Neighbor Bitch's phone. It's mad creepy and I'm like yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. THEN THE LIGHTS GO OFF AND IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF LIT DUE TO THE POWER BEING CUT OFF. 

Pretty soon after this, the nigga shows his "face". Which is some creepy smiley mask and I was hella rollin' my eyes at the mask. BUT BITCH WHEN HE TOOK IT OFF!! 

This dat mouth breather from stuff I've seen! I think most semi-recently Short Term 12? His dopey lookin' ass had me feelin bad for him and shit cuz Brie Larson was all emotionally crippled and shit. Aw but I wasn't feeling bad for him here omg his face PUT DEE MASK BACK ON, FELLA! No, I'm just kidding. He's an...alright looking white child. But that face reveal was...I screamed. Lol no. That's uncalled for of me. However. I did scream, so it is not a lie. (It's a lie, I actually laughed). 

Dude reveals his face because Deafy writes on one of her UNCOVERED BY CURTAINS OR BLINDS OR SOME SHIT GLASS WINDOWDOORS that she won't tell anyone; didn't see his face. Biiiiiiiiitch, this crazy nigga is clearly here to play games. Also she wrote that her boyfriend would be coming home soon. Lol, this crazy nigga not only took off his mask, but he proceeded to recite like word-for-word everything her sister said on the Facetime call about how she was worried about Maddie being all alone out in the woods or whatever. I was like hhaaaaaaaaaaaa this nigga gon' kill u

No! But I refused to allow my bae to die. She became bae pretty fast into the movie. I'm so glad, too. I hate when I'm watching horror movies and none of the characters are bae. I just be sittin' watching like...

when these niggas gon' die? BUT I DIDN'T FEEL THAT ABOUT DEAFY AND I WAS SO HAPPY AND WANTED HER NON-HEARING ASS TO WIN! 

And she did! Lol imma just skip over mad of the action because I have self-diagnosed ADD and terrible memory. But she gave Killery Nigga his money's worth. I was gettin' my life every time she pulled some new move on him. Usually she failed, but I was still cheering. When she tried that car alarm thing I was like yaaaaaas. When she did the flashlight thing: yaaaas, bitch, u did that!! Lol like I was really rooting for my baby. So glad her deaf ass didn't die spoiler alert. BUT MISS ME WITH THE FAKE-OUT ENDING WHERE KILLER BITCH WAS SMASHING HER FACE IN WITH A ROCK. I WAS SO MAD THINKING THAT WAS HOW SHE WAS GOING TO GO OUT AND THEN EVEN MADDER WHEN IT WAS REVEALED TO BE SOMETHING DEAFY IMAGINED! I hate fake-outs and like dream sequences and things of that nature. It's so like...filler to me and adding unnecessary thrills that take away from the flow of the story. It's super-insulting to the audience even though here they tried to make it fit by tying it to Maddie's writer brain and referencing back to how she has voices in her head. How bout you reference back to not fucking testing my patience!! 

But anyway and overall, (please): good job on the movie! However, I feel really uncomfortable being positive and giving compliments so I'm gonna post some screencaps I took and talk ignorant :'):

bae <3

I'm so ugly lol. I was screaming at Maddie's ex being black and I was losing my mind trying to get a screencap of his facetimey icon thing. Lol why am i like this

This...doofy piece of shit. Lol I was screaming he was mad dumb!!!!! THE SCENE LOOKED MAD SUSPICIOUS!!! AND WHERE THE FUCK WAS OL' BOY'S POLICE CAR, HUH?! WHERE WAS HIS POLICE SHIT?? HE TALKIN BOUT CAN I BORROW UR CELLPHONE AND UR OLD HUNKY-DORY ASS GAVE IT TO HIM!! Boy!! 

This was just so crucially dumb. Or he was. I just... I mean, eventually his slow ass caught on, but I can't even give him props because it was hella later than it should've been. I think the screencaps from above were the exact moment he knew he fucked up. Boy, the exact moment you fucked up was the day you were born. No, that's doing the most. But only if the most means the truth. Doing the truth. 

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MURDER BAE (Boy, I mean. Not, ha, bae...) (jesus) WAS AFRAID OF BLUE SHIRT?!?! HE WAS LIKE...AFRAID OF GETTING BEAT UP?? lol nigga don't you have killing tools? The fuck is u being scary for? I died, what a loser. I mean, yeah, obviously, he kills people for sport, hello!! omg...

I was finna skreem if he did something to the cat. I don't even like...cats. Or do I? I feel like I relate to them. They lazy, furry, and rude: das me!!! 

BIIIIIIIIIITCH HER HAND!! CAN YOU SEE THIS SHIT?! BUT BAE PREVAILED!! 

YES, BITCH!! GET!! HIS!! ASS!! STARE DEAD IN HIS BLANK, UGLY, REGULAR LOOKING WHITE BOY FACE!! 

YES, DO IT!!! SPONSORED BY NIKE BITCH!! TURN THE FUCK UPPPP!! 

What am i...