Macabre (1980)

Macabre. Very weird movie, but I expected this when I saw it was Italian horror but set in New Orleans. Shouldn't've been anything but.  

So I found out about this cool app that has like only horror movies, called Shudder. It's pretty cool and not even really expensive and no this isn't sponsored no one reads this fucking blog to be giving me sponsorships. I'm heated I have to pay the monthly like five dollars for the Shudder app on my own, I fucking wish, smh. But the app is pretty cool and I like just going on there and looking up weird shit to watch. Macabre was one of these weird shits. 

I don't typically like Italian movies, but if I am going to watch some over-dramatic ass Italian film, I will make sure it's a horror film. They at least do something intriguing with horror, but a lot of the times I be like...bitch... And also I have issues with like...dubbed speech. Shit bothers me, it never lines up with the mouth like do something about this lol fix it. I don't think there was dubbed speech in Macabre, besides like obvious post-production sound stuff. So I didn't have to be bothered by that while watching and could just kick back and enjoy the PURE BS.  

So this movie was kind of hilarious? Like it opens with some kids, a son and daughter playing in the yard. The father leaves for work or whatever. Then a bit later the mother comes out and tells the nanny or whatever to watch them, she's going out. The daughter whines because I think the mother promised them she'd take them to the movies or something, but she's like fuck off I have to go. 

1. It's clear the mom hates her kids and 

2. Is going to do an affair. 

It's just inherently funny to be dipping out on your kids to do an affair, and like pushing their heads out of the way as you run to your lover, idk it's just funny lol, but I'm a bad person, so.

I hated the daughter immediately. She's weird-looking and just has the most punchable face lol which is obviously the worst shit to be saying about a kid, but, sips tea, she was cast for a reason. I really think we're supposed to lowkey hate the daughter. I mean, she drowns her brother lol, so prob? So yeah like...she drowns the brother lol. Because she was mad at her mommy. And I guess this was her little revenge. The mom gets a call at the house she's doing her affair in about the son and like starts rushing home. Her lover is like I'll drive and they end up getting in an accident and he gets his head impaled and dies and then fast forward like a year to the mother being released from the mental hospital lol. High drama. 

So after the mother gets released from the loony bin, she goes to live in the house where she used to smash her lover. The house used to be run by some old woman, but she died, so now it's run by her blind son. So many things happening here that my feeble brain can't wrap up and explain as succinctly as I'd like, so bullet points:

1. Imdb is telling me the name of the blind dude was Robert Duval. Lol okay. He's played by this guy named Stanko Molnar who looks like a not as handsome, less masculine Terence Stamp. So like still hot, but kind of creepy? It was very on-brand, whatever that means idk I'm just saying shit at this point. 

2. It looked like Robert was being taken care of by his mother, so it's weird how he's just Okay now that she's dead. But maybe I was reading it wrong.

3. The main character woman is named Jane and she's weird as shit. She like gets her old sluttin' apartment back so she could do some weirdo seance, shrine shit for her dead boo. But like what about your son? Lol, well I guess she never really fucked with him like that, so moving on! 

4. Not sure what Jane be doing in her room, but she be having like orgasms and shit? Do she...be fucking the ghost of her dead bae, or just cumming to his memory? Either way, girl, you gotta move out!! 

Except not really, because Robert has a boner for Jane. But she be paying his ass dust for some damn decapitated head. Oh yeah, she snatched the decapitated head of her dead bae and like put it in her ice box. And like at night she takes the head out and constructs his body back together with pillows or something? And then fucks that...pile of like covers and pillows and shit? 

Blah blah Robert finds out about the head and keeps trying to tell on Jane. But he just calls her husband? Lol the husband be on the phone like I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THAT BITCH!! Then the daughter in the mix making fun of Robert, saying how her mother will never love him and then some weirdo shit implying she wants to be her mother's girlfriend or side chick or something lol. But the gag is Jane is checking for none of you hoes? She has her head in the icebox, and y'all can stay mad.

Lemme just say: I have never been so happy than when Jane straight up murdered her daughter and that bitch stopped existing forever. She was annoying and DESERVED TO DIE. Now on to something that really matters! 

Wait - how did this movie end? Idk, stupidly probably. Like this blog post