Tag (2018)

A genuinely unlikable film, Tag (2018) stars the non-hot actor who plays actual-hot Don Draper Jon Hamm, Napoleon Dynamite's grandma, Nick from horrendous New Girl, and my bae for no reason, who looks like a cousin of Hey Arnold's from, like, Detroit, Hannibal Buress.

Oh, lmao, and Ed Helms. I completely forgot about him. Does any1 else irrationally hate Ed Helms? Lol. I just do. Like, he blew up from The Hangover, but why? He is not even remotely amusing. He is occasionally on The Office, but only in like a...his character is disturbing and makes me uncomfortable sort of way. Like, he was never as funny as Charles. Not even close.

Oh, also there are some women who are totally irrelevant. Isla Fisher, Rashida Jones, Annabelle Wallis and Leslie Bibb basically play the "baes". Eventho Annabelle Wallis is meant to be a serious reporter, who, for some reason, thinks there is a ~story~ in the fact that Jon Hamm and his douchey piece of shit friends, at their big ass ages, still play tag.

Yes.

This reporter, whom I think they state is like a legit one for like The New York Times or some shit? For real, she meets with Jon Hamm's character who is like some big success or whatever. She's interviewing him and then it's revealed that he and his grown ass friends have been playing a continuous game of tag since they were in middle school or some shit.

For some reason this respectable reporter thinks this is interesting and wants to write about it.

Right.

Maybe I misunderstood and this reporter wasn't actually respectable because wtf, and no.

So in the film, Jeremy Renner's character is like the beast tag guy or whatever. How does tag work again? Oh right you have the tag and then you touch someone and they get it? This is so dumb and these dudes are like fifty.

But Jeremy Renner's character I guess hasn't been tagged since forever. He's the ~champ~.

????

So he's getting married to Leslie Bib. Jon Hamm and them decide to get Jeremy at his wedding cuz he'll be vulnerable I guess idk wtf.

At various points between the premise of the film being established to it being over the following things occur:

-Grown men play tag and this is the whole movie
-Ball cancer or something
-Nick whatever and Jon Hamm vie for Rashida Jones' attention to fill time I guess
-Isla Fisher gets super into the game but is unable to make me forget she's married to Borat and has kids with him
-Some other shit
-A fake miscarriage!
-Hollywood continues to have zero idea wtf to do with Hannibal Buress
-They try to do something deep about their guy friendship. Like Jeremy Renner's character doesn't feel as close to the others because he's the ugliest or something, and Ed helms character has ball cancer I think and is prob gonna die hopefully
-I don't know. Someone gets tagged. Did they,...oh god I'm remembering the end...it was bad, man. Like, legit every1 was just running around the hospital tagging each other after some embarrassing emotional scene where Ed Helms reveals he bout to die
-This movie is, inexplicably, based on a true story. A bunch of old white dudes who've been tagging each other since Civil War Times. There is NO black person in their group smh

This was bad movie. I am not even against the premise. It's a dumb comedy film. I'm not pretentious about comedy by any means. I like prob half of Adam Sandler's pile of junk with mostly no shame. I love Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I still watch Family Guy. And one time I laughed at Cleveland Show. Okay? But this was just...dry. Tired. Tedious. A comedy film shouldn't be like, draining. And if it is draining, at least be interesting. It was dull and DOA. What a strange, meandering film that kept me captivated at zero moments.

What made it worse, for me, was that right before this I had watched Game Night. Which I really loved and Jesse Plemons should have been nominated for an Oscar!! To go from really loving one movie with an equally dumb premise to go to this idk it just made it worse. I also was thinking I'd like Tag because a lot of the people involved have been in things that were funny to me before. The only person involved who turned me off was Ed Helms. But really, I should have really thought about this. What about this random mixture of people and ideas did I think would work? Idk. I mostly have liked all the people before so foolishly thought this would be fine. Everything would be fine and it'd work. Why? Hollywood should be punished for these mistakes. We as the audience are tortured and nothing happens to our torturers. They just keep on torturing. No one has made enough of a stink about how bad this film is. No one has paid. Only me, and everyone else who has seen it. Don't pretend you liked Tag. Stop. It's Stockholm Syndrome. Or you don't want to admit you were PLAYED FOR A FOOL. These people need to be held accountable! Hold them accountable!! Stop the madness!!

Dark Tide (2012)

Remember when I never used to care about Halle Berry and now i'm like, a stan? GOD! I don't want to be, because Halle is not cracking out the bad boys. Like, okay. I'm a stan of Tom Hardy as well, right? And it's great because he gives me what I need doing all sorts of ridick shit in movies and TV. But honestly I shouldn't even compare them because Tom is a white man and thus gets better opportunities but also he's Baby Brando so even if he got bad shit to do he would still slay whereas Halle needs good shit to give me what I need and she pretty much never gets that? Like ever? The Halle things I have been liking have been when she does a crazy movie. The thrillers. Really, that's her niche now, I think? But some are better than others. I mean, they're all basically terrible? But some are terrible in an omg this is amazing...(Perfect Stranger; The Call) sort of way, and then others are Dark Tide...

So first of all, I watched this movie prob more than a month ago. My lazy ass has a backlog of like thirty movies I need to write about. Why am I acting like any1 reads this blog or cares idek but here we go!!   

So Dark Tide. Why does this movie exist?? What. Why is Halle Berry treated like...Kate Bosworth? Or worse and even more irrelevant, Jamie King?? Wtf... SHE'S HALLE BERRY. No, she can't slay a screen like Viola, or charm me into liking total garbage like Taraji, but she's cute and beautiful and has been the #1 Biracial Bitch for decades and we need to put some respect on her name!!! What is going on!! WHAT THE FUCK IS DARK TIDE WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?!?! Lemme find out Halle got sent a bunch of scripts and this was the BEST ONE out of the lot! Tragic, truly. Idk what's going on. Maybe she gets ~better~ stuff, but something about Dark Tide spoke to her for some reason? Maybe she just saw a cool opportunity to go to South Africa and swim with some sharks? God, I hope so. I'll throw up if the truth is this was all she could get. That's obscene. Movies like this are for fucking Michelle Monaghan or something, and even for her it would be offensive, like cum on. 

So Halle plays some freaking, idk, shark expert? She owns a boat and gives tours to tourists so they can see the sharks. Like lowering them down in the water in a cage to look at them. Do people really do this? Why? Go on fuckin uh youtube or some shit and look at sharks there. Let's stop the madness. But anyway this is Halle's job for all of seven seconds before some horrible shit happens. I forgot what? I think she and her crew (which includes her irl crazy French ex-bae? Olivier Whatever) go out to sea and...there's a storm? I think one of the members of her crew (uncomfortably the only full African in a movie set in Africa.......) warns Halle not to go out? But she does ~cute~ (it plays awkward) stuff with him to like...charm him into letting them go out to sea and he says something like I can never say no to you blah blah five seconds later he dead. It's awkward cuz it's Halle's fault he died, and also Halle is close with his wife but the woman doesn't seem to hold resentment towards her lol like I would kill this bitch if my bae said no don't go out to water, and then she did it anyway and now he's dead. Wait - how did he die again? Lol smh was it a storm or did he get ate by sharks? I feel like he got ate? I swear to god I have no idea and don't remember and it doesn't matter it literally was not interesting AT ALL! I am telling you there was absolutely nothing interesting about any of the ~action~ in the majority of this...fucking action movie.... Or was it a thriller? Girl, I hope not because as much as there was no fucking action, there was ZERO thrill, girl! ZÏR-ROW!!!! 

So fast-forward a year later after the tragedy. Halle's business is going under I think because she is no longer taking the boat out to let tourists touch the sharks. I think she scaled back to just doing regular boat tours, which are not popular? The bank wants to take her boat because she can't make payments.

Olivier Whatever pops up and tries to get Halle back in the shark tour game. This dude apparently is her husband in the movie. It's weird how they were separated for an entire year?? He's just like gone immediately after the tragedy and shows back up all nonchalant like ayyyyy let's get it crackin!!! I will say though: Halle and her crazy French ex-bae look real cute together. I wouldn't necessarily say their chemistry is on some California wildfires type shit, but they look real cute and booed up. I love seeing attractive couples. I love that Halle usually never has ugly baes. You know how a lot of beautiful bitches be with an ugly nigga? Not our girl, Halle! Sigh, I stay reaching for substantial reasons for why I stan so hard for Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. I'm so tired, but hey is Halle doing that movie about that woman who is a professional thief and scammer because I need it. That's gonna put my bae at the top and I...I really need this you guys. I really need a good reason to be out here stanning for Halle Berry. It's getting rough. That cameo in the Kingsman movie is NOT GOING TO DO IT!! Okay? We're not doing that. Better! More better, Halle!! 

So Olivier is kind of...shady? He's linked up with some old rich dude who wants to get down in the water with the sharks, but go to the next level and swim with them, as well. Halle only brings people down in the cage, she doesn't let them swim with the fishies. But an even bigger obstacle is that she's totally done with the shark tours, period. Olivier has to convince her for the rich dude, who's offering a lot of money. Olivier never discloses to Halle that the rich guy wants to swim with the sharks. He leaves that out and manages to convince her to take the boat out for him and his son. 

The rich guy is annoying. If you're gonna have a piece of shit sort of douchey character can you make him be interesting or something? He was just a dick just to be a dick and it brought no real value to the film. Especially since he wasn't like, the villain? I thought he was gonna be the villain and cause all the conflict. Like, I guess he did? But not really? He was just like douchey, his douchieness didn't cause the major storm that caused their boat to upturn while they were out at sea, you know? Idk, the douchey guy really irked me and there was no real payoff. Also it was awkward because we find out he's dying from cancer or some shit. But he's like mean to his son and a douche so who cares? Lol. But also on the flip, he ends up getting killed in the storm (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) but like I didn't care? If you were gonna have him be a dick he should've been more of one to at least have it be a nice payoff when he gets killed wtf. Like, what was the point of this movie???? 

There was like, no real thrill like I said before and it was just awkward. Like even when they were out at sea and the storm was popping off, I was just like..okay. Like, okay guess this is happening now. It was awkward how none of the characters were interesting or you wanted to watch them lol. Like. I will say...there was something soothing about the movie in a weird way. I think it's because I'm really attracted to water, so it was just calming I guess to have mostly all the scenes be on the water, even when the storm happened.  

WAIT HOLD ON WHAT WAS THAT WEIRD SHIT WITH THOSE TWO WHITE GUYS WHO WENT OUT TO THE WATER REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND THEY HAD THAT BLACK KID WITH THEM??? DID WE EVER FIND OUT ABOUT THEM? WERE THEY POACHING? WTF WHY DID WE SEE THEM ONE SECOND AND THEN NEVER AGAIN?? smh, this movie was completely pointless in like an almost shocking way? I guess watch this to see for yourself and have the same experience I did of wondering Who wrote this and who did they give it to and they read it and was like YES and then the film was fast-tracked and cast and all those pieces came together to make this shit?? Still better than Citizen Kane, though..

 

-

Dark Tide

Oscars 2017

I've seen like two movies that were nominated lol. But that doesn't mean I don't have A LOT of opinions about the fuck all that is going on. If Blah La La Land wins (Which I DID NOT see), I'm going to...roll my eyes lol sike you thot it was that serious. But I def want Moonlight (Haven't seen, but WANT TO) to win because it just...should? Lol what if it's really bad and La La Land is uhmazing (doubt it)?? Idk who cares, but I took notes while watching because my life has no meaning. Turn up!!!!!!!!!!! 

So I have this red carpet pre-show shit on in the background............should I mute this? Why is Emma Roberts' crazy ass there? Lookin' just crazed lol. And now they have Leslie Mann on here and the interview guy told her 700 million people would be watching and she got all shook because she's presenting. Aint no 700 mili niggas watching this shit lol but I love Leslie she is so cute but white so prob racist lol.

Andrew Garf, my baby! I would die if he won but 1. Didn't see Whacksaw Ridge, so don't know if it's a good performance and 2. He won't? So. But he's amazing and I am so excited he's been finally nominated like he should've been all the way back to Boy A, BUT I'M SLEEP!! 

Wait I'm just remembering this bitch tried to drag Isabelle Huppert's outfit. How in one breath you gon' say French bitches have effortless, built-in style then drag her because she "underwhelmed" you? French style is all about understated sexiness like you sound dumb and she looks great smh I hate these red carpet losers

That little girl from Fences just said some cute shit and the interviewer dude paid her ass dust, I want to die this is so horrible...

THIS NIGGA JUST WRONGLY PRONOUNCED MYKELTI'S NAME AND THEN BROUGHT UP BUMBA GUMP TALKING ABOUT AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FILM. HOW????!! 

Terrence Howard's voice screams tiny, greasy penis.

AWWWWW Andrew Garf just awkwardly complimented the interview bitch I want to scream he is so cute and pure

John & Chrissy are mad annoying lol but cute but mostly annoying :')

Damien Chazelle is from Jersey, which is also where I'm from, so...I know he's a piece of shit. 

Loljk I loved Whiplash. I wonder if LLL is as good? Like Gosling is in it, but it's also...a musical. I like, maybe, three entire musicals lol so idk boutalladat. 

Denzel and his wife make me uncomfortable lol they always fighting. But anyway, Denze better win. Like Casey's rapin' ass prob will, but I hope veneers bae pulls an upset. 

Did you see Naomie Harris dragging her movie? lol is she a Capricorn? Lemme go check. Oh, a Virgo lol. Even worse, and makes super-sense!! 

I HATE Justin Timberlake. This is already SO FUCKING AWFUL!!! 

Is this the Grammy's bitch wtf

"I know you know this, Denzel" Boy, if u don't get ur cokehead ass off the stage...

I don't like Jimmy Kimmel. Lol I'm so sick how uninterested I am in mostly everything happening smh

I'm Mel Gibson's screaming internal rage smile waiting for the camera 2 get off my racist, crazy ass. 

They're referencing this Kimmel/Damon "beef" like everybody knows about this dumb shit..

Damn, drag this bitchboi...

Remember when that lady told Viggo every1 clapped the most for him? He was shook like u can tell he don't fuck with nobody lol it was so cute. 

Aw, remember when Dev was the ugly kid on Skins? lol. What a glo up. 

Yas first win for Moonlight which I haven't even seen!!!!!! :') Awwww he choking up so cuuuute pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzz

OJ Simpson, America's Sweetheart.

I love The Rock, but something seems lowkey wrong about him, right? Maybe it's the Hawaiian thing... lkijjnhbgbfvededtulonkmimoko

Yo, I've never seen Hamilton and never will, but........is it really a hip hopera about slaves? Lol ummm,m,mmmmmmmm

We at home don't care about the audience getting free snacks, but okay geaux aüf?? #hating&hungry

I really wanna see Arrival it looks lit and Amy is bae I just...hope she doesn't get fucked by an alien. #notready4that!!! 

Viola better win, LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oh. if Naomie wins that's cool, too. BUT #VIOLA! Okay???? Damn, Naomie just slayed that clip hmmmmm 

I wanna see Manchester by the Sea but I feel weird cuz Casey a rapist. Imma just say I'm there for Michelle......

MY LONGEST YEA BOI FOR VIOLA, TURN UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

She looks so good in that red, smh. Yes, Viola's dramatic ass speech bitch slay I love you pleeeeeeeeeeeeez

I'm only half-watching this. I think imma tune out until an Important™ award comes up again. Wait, but can we talk about how The Apartment is mad boring? I hate when they hype dry ass old films. Like, This is a Classic™! Just because it's black & white don't mean it's lit, but I'm sleep!!!! 

Neaux uhfence........but pleez stop performing the nominated songs...

Awwww Gael's a tiny bb, and Hailee gave me the ultimate bop "Hell Nos & Headphones". I approve of these two presenters. 

Yo, I lowkey...fuck with Dakota Johnson??? Mmmm, for now. We'll see we'll see...

I'M THAT ONE GUY IGNORING THE WHITE CELEBRITIES!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay so I'm peeping Jimmy making repeat weird comments about ethnic names......... like, your name is Jimmy. What the fuck kind of name is that white bwoy

The Big Lebowski being like xanax is kind of a good description. 

My baby Riz!! We doing big things!!!! (lol who is "we" i need to die) omg Riz making that awkward comment about robots replacing actors idc if it was written on the teleprompt bitch that is sooooooo him 

I tried to watch The Jungle Book on Netflix but I thot I made a mistake and it was like one of those bad movies, so I turned it off. You know those bad movies u just randomly find on Netflix like....what is this. But apparently it's a ~legit~ film? Lol I guess I will try again sigh

I hate Seth Rogen like it's MY FUCKING JOB. Okay? Okay.

Okay Michael J come out and cleanse my palate of Seth's ugly, unfunny ass thank you. 

NO THE APPLAUSE IS NOT FOR YOU!!! lol i h8 him, sew much......

omg kill me pleaz

So La La Land not sweeping and, honestly? I feel alive. Anyway keep in mind I have never seen this movie but I know it's whack lol I just know it! I feel this in my brittle, calcium-deficient bones!! But wait, what's up with Hacksaw Ridge winning shit? Is that a good movie? I mean, Mel kind of delivers as a filmmaker, so maybe? We'll see!! 

Sunny Pawar is my soul and essence. I love his answers you can tell he just wants Jimmith to just GEAUX AWAY!!! 

Those "Mean Tweets" were kind of funny and the one about Miles was completely spot-on, but can we stop calling everyone who makes a not completely positive comment on the internet a "troll"? And I say this as a Legit Troll™, you are ruining our rep just lumping every1 in, thank u!!!!

John Legend to me is like if Martin Luther King had become a crooner instead of a civil rights activist and I don't know if that's a compliment or insult or complinsult. And also to whom it would be that for. 

Yo, lol I had NO IDEA Timberlake's song was nominated for an Oscie. I thot this nigga was just onstage dancing and singing for no motherfucking reason lol smfh. Still, I remain DISGUSTED. 

Rest in peace to the greatest actor of all time (Prince), who starred in the greatest cinematic achievement there ever was or EVER WILL BE (Purple Rain). 

Neaux uhfence, but.........when is this going off??? 

I cannot wait for this Feud show. It looks really bad though lol. And Jessica Lange as Joan? Mmmmm idk, girl. I love Jessica BUT I DON'T KNOW, GIRL!!!! 

This We Bought a Zoo gag....MIGHT be funny. "It's so...effort-full for him." I'm....gagging, tbh. Yo but this drag of Matty is too accurate for it to be "just jokes" I'm starting to peep game on Jimmy Bwoy lol

Do y'all think Ben and Matt fuck? It's prob mad dry and...hard lol. But can y'all believe these lunkheads have Oscars for WRITING? What a world! 

Kenneth Lonergan...like he makes movies where I am just like, okay... Like they're simultaneously massive and small and overly-complicated but ultra-basic and dry and boring but kind of interesting ultimately because so many negative things come together to make you want to watch? Kind of like Nicolas Cage but in movie form? Idk. 

 

All these clap claps for Amy BUT WHERE HER NOMS AND AWARDS? Fakes!! 

I...can't believe this is still on. 

Yo know what I'm annoyed about? Manchester by the Sea spoilers. Like now I know what happened with Casey's character and it seems like a major plot point? But that's nice of everyone to spill the tea before I could see it!!!

Also, why is Hacksaw Ridge giving me The Pacific teas? 

If Denz wins I'm throwing up!!

Mood is Denzel not caring about Casey talking about I "taught" him how to act. Boy, I don't know you......

This sucks though, I used to be a HUGE Casey stan and this win tonight would've made old Casey stan me feel SO EXCITED. Why niggas can't keep it together so I can love their work without feeling SICK TO MY STOMACH? Is it so hard? Ugh. 

Emma Stone being nominated for Best Actress and they show a clip of her being...exactly herself. Everything is white in the world. Right, I mean. RIGHT.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDNPINGN EMR THIS BLANK ASS WHITE FUCKING NON-ACTING ASS BTICH IUST WON BEST ACTRESS I'M FIN TO THROW UP AND FLING MY VOMIT AT THE SCREEN!! 

Ok, so my bitch ass got mad when they called La La Land 4 Best Pic, so I muted my TV & went to pee only to come back to see Warren Beatty's old ass done pulled a Steven Harvey and bitch I AM CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM CHOKING AT THE THOT OF THE LALALAND CREW GETTING UP TO GET THAT MUTHAFUCKING AWARD AND THEN HAVING TO SIT RIGHT THE MOTHERFUCK BACK DOWN BITCH GLORY BE PRAISE TO GOD OR SOME SHIT I FEEL SO ALIVE. This is extremely sad of me lol I have seen neither of these movies but boy oh boy, I am so happy. Now I just gotta actually see this movie to justify my stanning. Also gotta see La La Land to confirm it's basic. I know imma like it at least a little bit tho cuz I'm a Gosling stan...so I need to prepare to be THOROUGHLY EMBARRASSED FOR MINE SELF. But all in all, 2017 is already extremely lit, let's go. 

Rest in peace Bill Paxton.