Let's dive right in, shall we?!
So volume two opens with Joe furiously trying to get her orgasm back. She's like, aggressively masturbating while Jerôme is lying in bed next to her feeling inadequate and it's sôôôôô cute. Well, Jerôme is cute being sad and feeling inadequate about unfulfilling/unfilling Joe. What's not cute, however, is Lars taking Joe's orgasm away just when she finally makes a real connection. It's very very, you know? Also it's reminding me of Choke when Sam Rockwell couldn't get it up for Kelly Macdonald because he was ~in love~ and also maybe Jesus??? What is this thing about people not being able to...idk, perform, once they actually connect on some spiritual shit with another person? Is it a fear of...intimacy? No, really, what is this? And then I'm thinking about what Queen B said in volume one about how the secret ingredient to sex is love. Because, idk, it seems like love is the secret ingredient to impotency. Though, before Joe realized her orgasm was gone, she seemed to be having a pretty fun time with Jerôme sucking down his tongue and...idk...playing whack a mole with his dick I guess. It seemed like maybe this was the first time she was legit enjoying sex instead of just looking towards the end-game orgasm? Or maybe I'm trying to put too much into it?? ugh idk
Despite Joe losing her orgasm, she and Jerôme fall into a life of sweet domestic bliss. I guess. For them. They go to--should I talk about that weird thing where Joe describes having a spontaneous seizuregasm when she was a kid and then she saw like...these two satan women and one had a bull??? NO. But I will say that I think I started to really love Stellan/Seligman in volume 2. He's giving me a lot of disgusted/incredulous/horrified looks in volume two and I'm fucking heeeeeeeeeere for it, okay?? But let's go back to Joe/Jerôme sort-of domestic bliss. Let me luxuriate in that delusion before it's ripped away from me like how Joe ripped that baby out of her body with a hanger!! (Later).
Joe and Jerômey go to a restaurant. It's cute/weird to see them in a setting like this for some reason. I'm just wondering what the fuck they're going to talk about over their meal. THEY TALK ABOUT JOE SHOVING A BUNCH OF SPOONS UP HER SNATCH.
I liked when Jerôme tapped her with the spoon. Don't know why. Thought it was weirdly intimate. Then he makes it weird by betting her a fiver or something that she can't put one of them up her cootch hole. But Joe being fucking Joe, she shoves like an entire set of them up there?? I felt embarrassed for Jerôme that he'd even make this bet. HAVE YOU JUST MET THIS BITCH??
But I can't even really care about this shit because UDO KIER COMES OUT AND IS THE FUCKING WAITER.
LOOK. AT. THIS. SHIT. LOOK AT HIS FACE!!! HOW DARE YOU, LARS?!??! HOW DARE YOU WASTE UDO LIKE THIS??? Like, why even make a character poster for him?!?!?!
This beautiful masterpiece!!! Why waste such a divine human on a mere waiter role and he looks like he wants to fucking Edward Scissorhands up every bitch in the place and you got this bitch carrying fucking parfaits from McDonalds with that disgusting strawberry sauce like what the fuck is strawberry sauce ugh!! I was just reaaaaaaallllly upset Udo had almost no lines. Why couldn't he have been one of Joe's twelve million lovers??? I DON'T UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAAND. Ugh why couldn't he have had Jamie Bell's role?? Like, I love Jamie Bell but how much better would those scenes have been with Udo making it extra uncomfortable just by being himself. CAN YOU IMAGINE UDO DOING THE DUCK ON JOE?!?!? I...I'm so upset I'll never see that. Lars, why????? WHY?????? Ugh, but am I even allowed to be upset with Udo when it sort of maybe seemed like Lars might've wasted other actors as well? Like maybe he wasted Willem, too? At least he had more than one line. And also Lars has given prominency to Willem before. But what has he ever done for Udo?? Like, wasn't Udo one of the rapists in Breaking the Waves? Who rapes Emily Watson? WHY DO YOU HATE UDO, LARS??
So Joe ends up pregnant. And you're like--or at least I was like--ooh boy. The kid's name is Marcel and immediately Joe is talking about how this thing can see her for a fraud or whatever. See, this is why I can't have kids. This lil nigga will be lookin' at me like: "Bitch, who told you you could be somebody's fucking mom??" This is how kids get ~accidentally drowned~. But enough about how I'd totally be one of those scraggly-haired Munchaüsen by proxy mommies, let's talk about Jerôme's turtleneck!!
It's very Even Stevens doing spoken word poetry about how he's been friend-zoned by his mom. It's...everything I have ever wanted. So, thanks for this, Lars. But also in this scene there's the baby and Jerôme is watching Joe poke a toy in his face??? I'm not excited for a second about the arrival of this kid. The minute it's born I'm like: yeah, okay, hurry up and kill it off with SIDS or cradle cap or whatever. Like, speed it up, Larsy.
The birth of the kid does not deter Joe's scary-furious quest to retrieve her orgasm. She's fucking Jerôme a lot and he's say-crying things about how he's trying but he can't satisfy her or whatever. It's cute because he has on that pinky ring while saying it.
You're wearing the pinky ring, but are you using it, Jerôme?? BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU ARE.
Eventually Jerôme asks Joe for a little sit down family meeting thing. He's all "I love you but we fuck too much and I can't satisfy you so you're gonna have to go fuck other dudes". He's, like, crying. Ugh, Shia LaBeouf tears are the best. Like, you can't do a fucking accent for shit BUT CRYYYYYYYYYYYING, you got. Just...stick with that...from now on, yeah? I don't know how I feel about people saying to their spouses: I want you to go fuck other people. Obviously every relationship is different and definitely not everyone is monogamous...but I feel like if the initial relationship was just the two of you and then suddenly it's opened...there's always going to be the jealousy factor, among other things. Right? I mean, Jerôme is ~giving permission~ to Joe to go fuck other dudes, I guess, from a place of love? Like, it's great that he acknowledges Joe has needs that he can't fulfill...but, instead of being like...well go out and get some gangbangs or whatever...wouldn't it make more sense to try to find other ways to work on the ~problem~...together? Like, idk, couples therapy or some shit??? LIKE, YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! YOU KNEW HOW YOU WERE GOING TO FEEL UGGH SIIIIGH
Siiiiigh (cont'd). Joe starts dressing up as a piano teacher--LOOK, IT'S REAL DUMB. She looks like this:
And I'm just...laughing and laughing and laughing. AND WHAT--why does she need this costume to fuck dudes? Do they explain it in the movie? I have no fucking idea. I felt like maybe they were making a reference to The Piano Teacher? But why?? lol, that's...probably not what was happening. Lars prob just wanted to make some awkward Beethoven reference??? Wasn't he satanic? I'm only asking this--I AM ONLY ASKING THIS BECAUSE THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES SORT OF IMPLIED IT. Like, I should fucking kill myself.
Then comes probably the most awkward chapter for me...well, until the abortion one, maybe??? What was more awkward, let's take a poll: ~The Dangerous Men~, or Joe jamming fucking tribal spears up her goddamn vaj to remove Damien Jr? Phone in your results now!!!!! Polling centers are opened!!!!!
lol as soon as this^ popped up I was like HERE WE GO. What is Lars even trying to do here? The dangerous men???? Is Joe like straight-up racist and I refused to accept it?? AND IT WAS TOTALLY WEIRD IT TOOK HER THIS LONG TO START FUCKING BLACK DUDES, RIGHT? LIKE, HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Am I racist for just writing that? No, because I'm black (negro) and I can say whatever. BUT IT WAS TOTALLY WEIRD IT TOOK HER TO CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG-AGE TO START FUCKING ~THE BLACKS~.
1. Once Joe turned to Charlotte Gainsbourg-age I almost missed younger, retarded Joe. I thought the actress who played her, Stacy Martin, was...........................idk. Joe is supposed to be detached, but this bitch was nearly comatose. I felt, Stacy Martin took it too far. So, though I missed her a lil, I got over that pretty quick because Charlotte Gainsbourg can actually fucking act thank god
2. The interpreter fucking killed me.
aw look at him. I was really worried for his well-being almost immediately. Joe is telling this dude to go over to the Africans and ask them if they want to fuck her. GIRL, DO NOT GET THIS DUDE KILLED, THANX. And speaking of Joe hiring a goddamn fucking interpreter to ask some Africans if they want to get a gangbang in: ........................................................................................
The only thing I'm going to say is: You don't need a fucking translator. Like, just make the fisting motion with your hands. Or hump your groin in the air at them. They'll get it.
Joe decides to start fucking ~dangerous men~ because she thinks changing up the type of dudes she fucks will help her in her quest for getting that o back. Yeah, it just seemed really dumb that she wouldn't have automatically thought: well, let me just try everything. I mean, duh. She arranges via the interpreter to fuck one of the ~negroes~. She goes to a motel but the dude doesn't show up solo dolo. He has his brother. And...I guess this scene is supposed to be humorous? But um, if I arranged to meet up with one dude and he showed up with a whole other person?? And then, they don't even talk to her or really even acknowledge she's another person in the room? They just waltz right in and start discussing with each other in their language how they're going to double pen this b. In real life this would be really terrifying. Like it's very rapey. But...maybe rapey situations don't even remotely matter in this movie??????
Anyway, the jungle fever thing ends up not working out for Joe. The brothers can't decide who should get vagina and who should get the anal cavity. Then...there's some vaguely horrifying discussion between Joe and Seligman about racism??? Joe uses the word "negro" and Stellan/Seligman is all "that's not politically correct". And Joe is all fuck politically correct, everyone is a neutered coward something something blah blah. It's very Lars on his soap box and I'm like: eyeroll. It's one of those opinions that's offensive but not totally un-wrong. Like Ayn Rand-ish. Yeah, you might have some good points...but I don't like your smug, overly-confident ass tone. And you really believe yourself to be entirely original in thought. It's very those people who are like "AM I THE ONLY ONE..." No, you are not. There are millions of dumb, obnoxious people just like you!!! Don't you feel so less alone now!!!?!?!
After the africans, Joe decides she wants to keep on this track of fucking people...out of her...element? So next up is some bdsm-y type shit. Again, I'm confused why it's taken Joe this long to try something like this. Come on.
But let's ignore that dumbness to get excited about Jamie Bell in a grey sweatshirt time!!!!
Jamie is playing K. I...don't entirely get how his business works. As far as I can tell...women pay him to beat them? Now..........I'm sure most of these bitches can get beat for free. Like, let's be real. Just like bitches don't really have to pay for sex, they don't have to pay for dudes to get domestic violencey on them. Just, like, burn the dinner or whatever. It shouldn't have to be this complicated. But Joe is obviously someone who likes to do things the hard way, so she goes to K to get the shit beat out of her. Whatever.
At first, K tells Joe she isn't cut out for whatever the fuck he has going on. He tells her to leave, but Joe stays. So he tries to punch or slap her or whatever and Joe flinches. The next time K does this little test, Joe allows him to hit her. Am I...weird for thinking it was weird for Joe to be flinching?? Like...it just seemed like she'd be prepared all her life to be hit? Or at least since she started up fucking all these dudes? And it's sooooo weird that worse hasn't happened to her. So maybe it was a good thing she avoided fucking other races all this time! #eugenics
K takes Joe on as a client. He's all like: we don't fuck, and there's no safeword. NO SAFEWORD??? No. However, if Jamie Bell said that to me I'd be like: okay!! Because he's Billy Elliot and what the fuck is some dancy ballet nigga really gonna do to me?? Apparently beat the shit out of me with a riding crop!!! That scene when Joe gets a riding crop from that riding crop store was awkward as fuck. But maybe funny? I can't tell. Lars' ~humor~ makes me uncomfortable. It's like when people say Michael Haneke does dark comedy. DOES HE???? Oh, is that what the pigeon stuff in Amour was orrrrrrrrrr??????? But it was funnymaybe when that riding crop store clerk was like "What kind of horse?" and Joe is like "idk, big". I'm dying that the sales clerk didn't press a button under the counter that alerts the authorities because clearly this bitch is into some illegal shit and needs to be removed from society.
What I liked about the...hmmm shouldn't say "liked" lol. Look, I thought it was funny when K checked Joe's vagina goo viscosity. Joe tells Stellan she felt like a potted plant being fingerbanged by a grandmother? Nice...imagery? But anyway, I liked how clinical and weird the beating scenes were. K was another enigma, though, unlike Jerôme...I did not want to know his innermost thoughts and secrets. Seeing into his brain would probably be like watching that tape from The Ring. No thanx. Also with the arrival of K, came the focus on Joe as a mother, or lack thereof. She's definitely neglecting her kid to go see K, and when she can't get ahold of a babysitter one night, she just leaves him alone in the apartment. And Jerôme at this point is mostly absent. He's ~traveling~ a lot. For business?? (What is his job? I bet he works at Popeyes).
There are scenes of Marcel just lying awake in his crib watching car lights go by outside.
It's very on the nose. And because of that I was sure this kid was going to end up dead. I think the first time Joe left him alone I was like: SIDS. Because I am always, all the time, like: SIDS. A SIDS death wouldn't even make Joe explicitly guilty, it would be one of those ambiguous situations. Like, oh if she was home would he have lived? Shit like that. But they don't do the SIDS thing. They do, however, have this fucking lil idiot climbing out his crib and going towards the open fucking balcony window door thing. WHO JUST LEAVES A WINDOW/DOOR WIDE OPEN LIKE THAT?? Ugh, you make me tired, Joe. It's all snowing outside and shit. So, like, it's definitely cold weather???? Why would you leave your baby alone with the windows wide open and it's winter? I get that Joe is a nympho above all else, but come on: two seconds for some common damn sense. Anyway, all my bitching doesn't matter because the kid doesn't end up falling over the balcony like I was covering my eyes about expecting to happen. And thank god, because no, Lars. We already did that in Antichrist. And maybe don't cheekily callback your older films in a serious situation like this??? lol ur a dick
Jerôme finds Marcel before he nose-dives over the balcony. I was definitely expecting some huge blow-up between him and Joe once she came home. Instead Jerôme is just seated before the fireplace like zombie-ly smoking and drinking wine.
Oh, and apparently it's like Christmas. Happy Holidays? ugh Jerômey rome asks Joe if she plans to go out. Joe is like "no", but like obviously she does. Jerôme says if she leaves she'll never see him or Marcel ever again. Clearly, Joe doesn't really care becaue she def dips. Not before throwing some crocodile tears over Marcel's crib, but after that she's gone. Who would you choose: Marcel & Jerômey rome or K with his sweatshirt and beating tools???? mmmm a toughie!! What's weird here though is that when Joe leaves her family to go see K, it's the last time she sees him, too. After he beats her to orgasm and then does the duck
(gah)
she never sees him again. I sort of felt...like there was some weird thing happening with Joe and K, right? Like, she kissed him. They definitely had a thing, no? He rebuffed her kiss extra quick, but I didn't think it was like a ~normal~ rebuff. He clearly lives by his own weird, horrifying rules. Joe and K would make a perfect super-disturbingly unhealthy couple, right??? Ugh, idk. No use thinking about that because after he GIVES HER A FUCKING PRESENT, whips the shit out of her with it and she cums, that's it for K. Okay.
After Joe loses Jerôme and Marcel, she winds up with child. Somethingsomething about how she was so afraid of getting pregnant again she deluded herself into thinking it was impossible and so therefore lapsed on her birth control????? Fine. When the doctor person tells Joe she's preg, Joe is all: ABORTION NOW. The guy is like: no, you need a psychological evaluation first. lol no shiz. Real quick: do all abortions require a psychological evalutaion beforehand? Fun fact: I've never had an abortion, so I don't know!! Maybe I should go get one just to, like, have this information for any future films I might see concerning this subject. Another movie I saw where a character was trying to get an abortion, Happy Endings, had the character going through a similar deal as Joe. She's like, adamant she needs to get this baby out of her and has an attitude with the psych person. All: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS at possibly, mostly innocuous-y questions. All my life references are from movies, is what the point of this was.
Just, the anger. It was amazing and I love Charlotte Gainsbourg soooo so much. The pysch eval bitch is all: "Did you love the father?" DO THEY REALLY ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS. A little bit I take back saying that the questions might be innocuous-y because what the fuck? What the heck does that matter? LIKE, GIVE ME AN ABORTION. IT'S LEGAL, RIGHT? SO WHAT THE SHIT??!? The psych eval bitch is like: mmm, deny to you getting this aborsh. She says something like Joe is not in the right state of mind and doesn't know what she wants and Joe is all "um, I had a kid; left his ass - I know what the fuck I want". The pysch eval bitch is still like: yeahhhh no. JOE IS LIKE THE POSTER CHILD FOR BITCHES WHO SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO GET ABORTIONS. This psych eval bitch needs to go back to the community college where she got her degree because, come on.
Because people are taking their sweet ass lackadaisical fucking time getting Joe's kid yanked out of her, she decides to take matters into her own hands.
Yay.
This...is probably around the time the movie turned into a full-on horror film, no? The abortion scene was fucking rough. Tough to motherfucking watch. Look, I think I'm cool. Like, I didn't flinch watching completely needing not to exist fare such as The Human Centipede (both sequences) or A Serbian Film. I think I'm cool because I'm difficult to affect. Actually that prob just means maybe I have Aspergers or I'm a sociopath. Anyway! This scene really sort of fucked me up a bitch. LIKE THIS TRICK WAS JAMMING SWORDS UP HER SHIT AND...UGH, GOD, POKING AT SHIT. POKING THROUGH SHIT. OMG AND AND IT KEPT NOT BEING OVER. IT WAS JUST GOING ON AND ON OMG. I'M LIKE STOP!!!! FINISH!!!!! AND THE FINAL BABY YANK OH GOD WHYYYYYY WHY THE FUCK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Lars can really fucking quit while he's ahead, you know? uggh I'm irreparably damaged. And that's okay! And now I know how to give myself an at-home abortion! Though I have no idea where to get those sticks from. A. C. Moore???
After...the abortion scene. Seligman and Joe get into another one of those Lars on his soapbox convos. I...don't even really care? And also I have no idea what his/Joe's stance is. You're pro-choice but accidentally pro-life? The other way around? MMM, NO ONE CARES? Like, do you get that no one cares? And what is the point of...why is Seligman all--No, I agree with Stellan/Seligman that I don't need to fucking hear the gory explicit details of abortions. Like, I certainly didn't need to see it. And what is Lars...do I care about Lars' stance ugh. It's like he's saying HERE'S WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL?? ugh, idek. Still pro-choice, tho, Lars. And also still don't need to actually know the minute fucking details or see them. Still the same as before...expect way more damaged as a human being? Like, my fundamentals are the same, I'll just start having those creepy-ass paralysis nightmares now? Yes, you've achieved something, good job except just kidding much sarcasm
At some point Joe's job (what is this job? no idea) tells her to go get counseling or she'll be fired. It's vaguely apparent she's maybe been fucking all the women in the office's husbands? And she's certainly masturbating in the bathrooms at work, despite bleeding vagina sores dear god make it stop. Joe begins attending sex addict meetings. She introduces herself as a nymphomaniac but the head of the sex meetings person is like: "no, sex addict". Joe tries to change and cut herself off from sex. She paints over mirrors and puts on a coat with gloves and shit. And she manages to not have sex for three weeks. And then she's getting ready to say something to the group at one point--I'm guessing something inspirational-y about how she's changed and how the group has helped her--but as she's talking she looks up and sees younger Joe reflected back in the mirror at her. Something about seeing that image causes Joe to rip up her planned speech and she starts going off on people in the group. Like, "you're fat", "you seek validation from men", "you're a concern troll", shit like that. It's pretty awesome. Wait, am I supposed to think that? It was uncalled for? ugh don't care. Because Joe is all like I'M PROUD TO BE A NYMPHO. I mean, I don't think that's even remotely true, but she seems to...take charge of her life/herself more after this. Maybe.
She starts working for Willem Dafoe,
who is shady, doing shady business. Some ~debt collecting~ shit. Joe has crossed over to the other side. Yay? Willem wants her to use her "special skills" to collect debts from men. Oh. So, she's like whipping dudes as torture and shit, getting extortiony. One dude she can't find anything on, so she takes his dick out and begins telling him erotic tales but his p never gets hard. Then she's all like: KIDS IN A PLAYGROUND and his d goes up. Finally, a pedophile. I mean, we've covered everything else. I was fucking waiting for this shit!! When the pedo gets hard at the mention of like a creaky swingset, Joe feels bad for him. So she blows him. When she tells Stellan/Seligman this he's all
Killing me softly. But also I was suspecting he was getting angry because he himself was a pedo. It reminded me of those super-raging homophobes who are like clearly gay. Idk, he was just giving me those ~vibes~.
So this chapter is called "The Gun", I think, inspired by the tea stain left over from when Joe threw her cup in anger.
Right. And also I forget why she threw her tea, but how about you don't throw things in someone else's house and they are putting you up for free and giving you free maid and turn-down service. Come on, bruh.
The titular gun of our story comes into play when Joe meets Mia Goth's lack of eyebrows. Mia's character is named "P". Willem tells Joe she's getting old as fuck and needs to start thinking about finding a successor. Then immediately following that is like: SO I'VE FOUND ONE FOR YOU! Okay, great, thanks for making sure I know it's not actually my fucking decision? P is the daughter of...I can't remember. One of Willem's workers who went to jail? Some shit like that. Whatever it is, she doesn't have any parental guidance, so she's the perfect person to kidnap and corrupt. Joe does just this. And immediately you can tell this isn't going to go well. Joe playing the mommy role? Didn't we already go over how not on that is for her?
Joe finds P playing basketball like a doof, looking like this
What...where is this place? What is that jersey number? Is it tied on with rope? What Chernobyl-esque ambiguous European city does this mess take place in? I don't like it.
Joe falls for P immediately, which I guess was Willem's intention, but why? He seemed sort of sinister but we don't really get anymore screentime with him after Joe starts hanging out with P. Like, what did he really want to happen here, idfk. At this point in the game Joe's vagina, I must address, looks like a chopped up pig, maybe? Raw ground beef with, like, ketchup on it? IT'S NASTY AND GROSS. AS. FUCK. So it's a little awk when P tries to get in on that lesbian action. I must say that Joe and P are sort of cute together even if it's hella weird because P is her fake-daughter. Sigh at least she's not like a kid. I think.
Joe has P working with her. P pulls out a gun on one of their adventures and here is the gun of the story yay. Joe is like "we don't use guns", and I think she takes it from P. Then, uggggggggggh, Joe is sent out on a debt collecting mission and surprise!surprise!
Like, did Willem know wayyyy more about Joe than he was letting on? No. He flat-out was like I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU. Why did Joe not question this? See, he was weird, right? Ugh but I'll never get any answers on what he exactly was about so I'm not even going to bother trying to figure it out I h8 u Larsy.
Joe is, like me, shocked at the contrived nature of another Jerôme appearance. But am I hella excited? oui! Is Joe? nein!! She decides it's time for P to do a job on her own. So she sends P in to harass money out of Jerôme and Joe goes home and waits for P to return. Fucking natch, P ends up leaving Joe to go be with Jerôme. We and Joe find this out when Joe goes to stalk Jerôme's house and sees
this^. Do I want to address Older Jerome? He looked Jake Johnson-y, yeah? And I decided I didn't just like Jerôme due to him being Shia LaBeouf, because when Older Jerome showed up I was just as fucking excited. WHAT IS MY OBSESSION WITH HIM PLEASE HELP.
After Joe sees this she decides she can't be in the same town or whatever as Jerôme and P's lovefest. But then...idfk something happens and she decides she totally gets Hitler? (Lars.) Like, she understands how a dude could want to kill 6 million Jews?????????? Something about people who have nothing to lose don't give a fuck????? Yeah, but, Hitler had stuff to lose, right? He had a girlfriend and dogs and stuff, so......
So flashforward to Joe trying to shoot Jerôme!! His face is like
Because the gun doesn't go off. And this bitch pulls the trigger...multiple times lol It's like *click* *clickclickclick*
And, gah. This movie is totally a love story, right? AM I FUCKED UP??? Ugh I just ship Joe and Jerôme Nicole 4eva. Like, I shipped them even more when Jerôme started maybe savagely beating her. Not maybe he started beating. Maybe it was savage? Like, Joe did try to kill him. NOT THAT I THINK IT'S OKAY THAT HE LIKE STARTED BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HER. It's just...sigh. Let me not even go the route of trying to understand. It's lose/lose. But yeah, Jerôme beats/kicks the shit out of Joe. And...what happens first? P ps on Joe. On her beat-up face. WHY, P?? ugh. Okay but what sequence...does P pee on Joe before or after Jerôme does his 3 + 5 pumps? 
CAN WE JUST! Like, is this just Jerôme's thing OR DID HE FUCKING REMEMBER THEIR FIRST SEX TIME?? HE DID, RIGHT? THAT'S WHEN HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY, RIGHT? MAYBE? AM I AT LEAST RIGHT THAT IT TOTALLY MEANT A LOT TO HIM?!?!? ugggggggggggggggggggggggh this movie is totally a love story to me even tho I felt really damaged after watching it and also it's part of Lars' depression trilogy and I think the last thing it's supposed to be is a love story????
Annnnnnnnnd this brings us sort of full-circle. Jerôme and P leave Joe just lying deadish in the alleyway. Of course, Stellan "rescues" her, and now we're back to the apartment. Joe says she feels relieved telling her whole story, and glad the gun didn't go off and she's not a murderer. Stellan's like "you better get some sleep". Okay, so at this point I'M JUST WAITING. Waiting for him to pull out I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT. Before Joe starts snuggling up in the bed there's a moment where Seligman goes up to the window and is talking about the sun coming out. Then Joe goes up to look and I was just waiting for him to bash her head through the window or something. But he doesn't. She gets into bed, he's all "nighty night". But not before making me get chills by asking if she'd consider looking Marcel up "in her new life". I SWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT HE HAD THAT BOY CHAINED UP IN HIS BASEMENT. But no.
Joe goes to sleep, Seligman turns out the light and leaves. OF COURSE LARS IS, LIKE, LINGERING ON THESE CREEPY DOORS.
THEN, DUH, THE DOOR OPENS UP AND SELIGMAN IS CREEPIN' IN LIKE A LIL CREEP
HE--wait, I never addressed possibly important information about Seligman being asexual and possibly a sadist??? I don't buy the asexual thing, especially since he comes through trying to get his dick in. Joe wakes up like UM, WTF? And Seligman is all "but you fucked thousands of guys". UGH, BUT WHAT IS THIS???? Why...I don't fucking get it. Why would he just come immediately back and start trying to jam his dick in? Why--was it that he needed her to be asleep? CAN SHE GET AN ACTUAL MINUTE TO FALL ASLEEP FIRST BEFORE YOU TRY SLEEP RAPING HER? Ugh, I just don't get this at all. However, I wasn't shocked. I was waiting for this dude to pull some shit the. entire. time. And when he finally does I'm like: das it?? I was expecting something way more horrifying. He pulled his lil cliché penis out and I was all: EYEROLL.
Ugh, then the screen goes black and it's implied Joe shoots him. Yay?? I was totes let down by the ending. I was building up some really tragic expectations in my head and Lars failed to deliver. As usual? Like, does he ever go as far as I want? What is...wrong with me??????
Overall, I think maybe I really loved this movie? Writing about it helped me see I wasn't as disturbed as I thought and actually quite enjoyed myself for the most part. (Yeah, no, definitely there's a problem in my brain). And Charlotte. God she killed me. I love her ugh she needs to get recognized more this is some bullshit. Maybe it's because she works with Lars so much and it's like illegal for people to not be giving him the side-eye at all times 100% every hour of the day. It must sort of suck to be the muse of someone who people are like "mmm" @ all the time. But at least he gives her legitimately interesting material to play with so, thanks, Lars. But no thanks for not being as horrible as I'd like and also vaguely racist and maybe you secretly wish you were a woman so you could say way more things about abortion without people thinking you were sort of really weird? Um, people already think that so...have at it.
...so many regrets.
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