Lowkey, this movie was lit. Dry as brush fire in the middle of summer lit. Just, entertaining me, against my wishes, at every turn. However, this movie is also horrendous, very bad, non-good, and simply atrocious. I laughed, I cried, and this movie called for neither of those emotions. This is a film about an attractive woman, married to Baldis Kodjoe, who is a sex addict. Despite getting dack on the reg from ol' Borehead, she is unfulfilled. Unfilled?! Un-full-filled. Like the movie shows her and B-Koe getting it in and that shit looked hella sensual and I was actually surprised that I was getting to see so much thrusting lol. They climax together (<,<), but ol' girl wants a round three. Boris has fallen asleep, tho. So the chick who was forced to play wife to Tyler Perry in Why Did I Get Married? (prayin' for you, girl), goes into another room to watch a porn, and masturbate with a veiny blue vibrator. I was really bothered by the fact that she was listening to that porn without any headphones plugged in. This bitch is bold, and lowkey this movie is giving Nymphomaniac: Volumes 1 and 2 a run for their money. Joe never listened to porn at top volume like five feet away from her kid's bedroom, did she? Hmmm, but didn't Joe abandon her kid to get duck-beaked by Jamie Bell? Hmm, nvm...
So! Going in, I did not think this movie would be especially anything. I had no expectations. When I first saw the trailers for this about a year ago, I got excited. I get excited for most black movies with attractive actors coming out these days. I never expect the movies to be good in any way, I just want to see cute black people on mah screen. And I got especially pumped for Addicted because not only do I think Sharon Leal is extra-specially cute, but the movie looked a hot mess. It reminded me of Tyler Perry's Temptation, which had like, Kim Kardashian, and Brandy with AIDS. I knew Addicted was gonna be fire right away.
WHAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS WHAT SORT OF FIRE. Up there, I said brush. All-encompassing, and super-devastating. Brush fire actually describes Nymphomaniac. I think Addicted turned out to be a grease fire started by leaving Taylor Ham unattended on the stove whilst you get super-immersed in the latest episode of The Steve Wilkos Show. Still lit, but one of the more embarrassing type of lits. This movie was just so bad right off the bat. I had no plans to overly screenshot, but I did. Like usually, with a movie such as Hider in the House, or For the Love of Nancy, I know I will be screencapping more than actually watching the movie. Some movies just call for me to watch them through my tears of laughter whilst I break my fingers trying to capture every unintentionally hilarious moment. I didn't know Addicted would be one of those, but it was. So let's do this!
Why are there like 500 intro paragraphs for this post jesus this whole blog and my entire life is a masterpiece of shit theater episode, word up.
This was the first screenshot I took, after trying to deny inside of myself at the beginning of the movie, how much I wanted to capture every horrible, suspiciously banal, but accidentally super-amusing moment of the film.
Sharon Leal's character is named Zoe. She's married, has two ugly kids, owns her own...like...art marketing company or some shit. Mexican Brad Pitt plays an artist named Quinton Canosa. Zoe is UHBSESSED with this Quinton dude; his work, anyway. She's never met him before, so when she goes to one of his shows, she doesn't know what he looks like. This movie is lame and plays that whole, a person speaking on an artist's work in front of the artist but she doesn't know it's the artist blah blah thing. U GH
Zoe's doing all this gushing, and Quinton is lapping it all up. I'm pretty sure the top buttons of his shirt are open and you can see his whole chest. All I remember about William Levy from this movie were his chesticles. Lemme look at my next pic to see if his chest boobs are up in that bitch so you can see wtf I'm talking about.
YAAAAAAS!!! I KNEW IT YES!!!! This nigga STAYED with his fucking shirt off/open. Like, nigga aren't you chilly? Is it not breezy in that studio???
So at the gallery, Zoe is talkin' all this ish about how she wants to sign Quinton to her marketing co. He is very sexual and like, idk, sort of aggressive without actually straight up just fucking her right then and there. He invites Zoe to his studio so they can discuss ~business~. Lol, okay, girl. Can we talk about how...easily...idk...Zoe seems to fall for Quinton's exposed chesticle having ass so immediately?? Like, I get she's juicin' pretty hard in general, but could she have looked anymore thirsty while talking to him at the art gallery? All hot and bothered and nervous and shit? Girl, you are grown, and married to fucking Boris Kodjoe! Lol, come on now.
Look at his little head lol. WHY IS HIS SHIRT OPEN???! I'm so bothered by his chest lol. So anyway, Quinton is one of those ~pure artists~ types who is entirely against having his images slapped on coffee mugs and keychains or whatever, but for Zoe, he'll sign his entire soul away. And he's like to her, "It means something that I am signing with your company - I've never signed with anyone before". Boy. You just tryna throw the dack. And you don't even have to work that hard! Zoe is READY! Contract or no contract, she's bout to buss it open. Now, I am ready. Let's do this!!!!
lol. So Zoe's trying to leave ~*~QUInton CAnoSA'$~*` apartment after he agrees to sign with her company. But it's clear she wants the d. Again, it's SO WEIRD how obviously thirsty she is. I could see if Zoe were some ugly scrub, but she's mad hot. And successful. And, again, married to Baldis Kodjoe! Why she out here actin' like she doesn't have mad options and could get any dude she wants and could also casually fucking cheat on Baldis and be bold as fuck like "Do something" and he absolutely would do nothing?? Hmm??? I don't get Zoe. She's so whack lol like please.
So, in the above pic Quinton is stopping her at the door. It's a little rapey, ngl. It's a little, like, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Like, I'm almost certain if Zoe did not actually want the d, Quinton would have given it to her anyway, and that's all I'm going to say about that <.< (loljk i'll say sooo many more things sigh delete this blog delete my life)
This is Zoe's assistant? Slash best friend? I don't remember her name, but she was SO. ANNOYING. I hated her voice and how she was all up in Zoe's face every two seconds. And look at what she is wearing. Dress Barn, fam? Really? But I also sort of felt bad for her. She calls herself Zoe's best friend, but honestly it looks like Zoe could not care less about this bitch. And who has their "best friend" fucking working for them? And then you can't even let the bitch know about her eyebrows, or how it's not cute to buy jewelry from Fashion Bug? Not cool, Zoe, not cool.
lol oh this was after she fucked Q-dog. She goes home and is like sitting on the floor of her shower, aggressively scrubbing her body. It's very post-rape scene, and that's all I'm gonna say about that <.<
Zoe's at home in the middle of the day after fucking Mexican Brad Pitt and she's feeling like weird and guilty but also fantasizing about him being there. With HIS FUCKING SHIRT OFF! WHY CAN'T SHE FANTASIZE THAT THIS NIGGA KNOWS WHAT A COVERED CHEST IS??? HMM??? AND WHY THE FUCK, IF SHE'S HAVING SOME LITTLE CORNY ASS SEXUAL FANTASY, DOES THIS NIGGA STILL HAVE HIS JEANS ON????? IS HE ABOUT TO CLEAN THE GUTTERS??? sigh, I wasn't even trying to be punny. K i ll
m
e
YES!! lol. So, instead of going to her son's soccer game, Zoe was getting her gutters cleaned out by that zesty salsa nigga who's allergic to shirts. Her little lightskint ass son and her mom come through worried because Zoe is home early. Apparently she couldn't attend the game because she had to ~work~, so when they come home and see her there they're like "wtf? are you okay?". Well, maybe Zoe's mom asks if she's okay, but the son dgaf about this bitch's health. He starts going. AWF.
"YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T GO TO MY GAME BECAUSE YOU HAD TO WORK?!?!2'JNRJNFNRJ R"
IT'S SO FUNNY!! Who just starts poppin' off on their mom? Lightskins, I swear lol. And Zoe, instead of karate kicking this lil nigga in the chest for questioning her, is looking all guilty and shit. And very not ill in any way lol. She looks freshly fucked, very dewy, and very postcoital in her over-size t-shirt. Girl, Zoe, try harder.
I took several screenshots of the son's attitude. I couldn't believe this lil nigga was tearing into Zoe like this. I have never been so happy and pleasured in my entire life. The son was really the true star of this film, I mean:
:')
(lol I tried to capture him like rolling his eyes and swirling his little ass away from her but the cosmos wouldn't let me. They won't let me be great.) (look at the mom's Dress Barn fashions and hairpiece. Why does Zoe hate all the women in her life?)
OH WAIT I GOT SOME OF IT!! lol or maybe not. This sort of looks like he forgave her. BUT TRUST ME NO HE DID NOT. THIS IS ALL TEETH SUCKING AND EYE ROLLING HERE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!!! AND HE WAS DOING THE HUMAN VERSION OF "SMH" I SWEAR. TO. GAWD.
so beautiful :') also why is he so much lighter than Zoe and Baldis :') who is his daddy :')?
Ugh. Zoe goes to Quinton's studio to tell him she can't ever fuck him again. OR, HERE'S A THOUGHT, JUST NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN? YOU STUPID BITCH. Who goes to a nigga's house to be like "I don't ever want to come to your house again"? She is so transparent. And so ultra-drama. Like, ho, if you don't want to fuck this dude anymore...JUST DON'T!! Please don't!! Is that nigga wearing a scarf, BUT HIS CHEST IS STILL EXPOSED????!
Anyway, Mexican B Pitt does his creepy rape charms on Zoe and tells her that instead of cutting off the v and never seeing him again, she should get in a car with him, wearing a blindfold, and allow him to take her to a mysterious location, of which coordinates he will not disclose, and if she wants to leave she won't be able to due to them taking his car and also the blindfold thing. uh, OKAY!!!! SOUNDS GOOD!!! NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID ABOUT NOT WANTING TO FUCK ANYMORE!!
Quinton takes ol' girl to some dusty warehouse where he keeps some of his work. I think he's doing murals or some shit. I hate Quinton's art so much, it's mad tacky and not even cute and he has the audacity to be pretentious about it. But lol did I forget I'm watching a movie based off a Zane novel? I should just be impressed they actually created artwork for his character to showcase lol. Like it could've been worse, they could've just had this nigga walking around wearing a beret, holding a dry paintbrush talkin' bout sum "I am an artistè!" before he dives head first into Zoe's Maidenform panties. So letmme just be grateful--actually, that sounds better than what they presented with Quinton. Quinton was so in need of a beret.
Things get tragic very quickly lol. Not in the sense that Quinton tells some crybaby ass story about how his dad abandoned their family when he was a kid, but how Quinton is acting while he tells this little story. First of all, I hate how people think they're special because they had a shitty childhood. That's like 95% of all humans, so delete the thinking that you can allow this to be your defining characteristic, or that this makes you interesting in any way. Two, Quinton tells Zoe that his dad found another woman, and left him and his mother for her, I think. He's all "I HATE ADULTERERS!!" Then he starts, like, lol, crying????
lol...he's like
he just starts crying. "I HATE ADULTERERS!!!!!"
Zoe, a dumb ass, is feeling, like, bad for him??? "I HATE ADULTERERS FOR WHAT THEY DID TO MI FAMILIA!!!!" Awww.
lol still crying. Mexican Brad Pitt, he is not. I saw no tears. Brad Pitt is a good crier. I guess this is where the "mexican" part comes in...???.......
I guess he made his face a little puffy? So maybe that's his acting talent. I hate tear-less crying in movies and stuff, just...don't even try. This nigga was turned around from Zoe like ferociously rubbing at his eyes to get them red, or like how kids would do in school when they wanted to appeal to teachers they'd like put spit on their eyes lol this was Quinton's tactic he is so fake and I could never sympathize with someone who is wearing a leather jacket but still has their chest exposed. ARE YOU COLD, OR NAH??
DO YOU SEE TEARS??? ALL I SEE IS EXPOSED CLAVICLE.
AND EXCUSE ME! BUT WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIS LITTLE TEARY BREAKDOWN ABOUT HOW MUCH ADULTERY RUINED HIS FAMILY ONLY FOR HIM TO TURN AROUND
AND IMMEDIATELY START ADULTERIZING ON ZOE HIMSELF???? HMM????? SINCE WHEN?!?!?! Zoe is a mom! And married! I don't get it!! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS SCENE?!?! NO SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT IS THE THINKING BEHIND ANY OF THIS?!?! AND WHY ARE THEY FUCKING ON TOP OF A CAR!?!?!? IT LOOKS AWKWARD!!
DOESN'T IT LOOK AWKWARD?!?! PRETTY SURE THERE'S A LOT OF ROOM INSIDE THE CAR??? Is fucking atop a car considered a sexy thing? I guess in the universe of this movie, where a nigga is wearing like v-neck leather jackets with scarfs from fucking Charlotte Russe. Anything goes, I suppose.
While Zoe's ol' stupid ass was messin' around with Quinton, she was supposed to be meeting up with this big investor guy. Her assistant/friend reminded Zoe a million thousand times how important meeting with this guy was for their company. AND the assistant/friend was the one who got Zoe the connect. Never mind how Zoe didn't even give ol' girl her props for getting this important dude to even meet with her in the first place. omg Zoe is the worst but lowkey I got my life from how bad of a fucking friend/business partner/boss/mother/daughter/mom/overall human being she was in this movie. I'm tellin you, she really gives Joe from Nymphomaniac both volumes a run for her money. I'm here for it, and I feel alive!!
Sigh, Zoe gets a second chance with this dude tho, but let's not even sit up here and pretend like she didn't blow that, too. Insert pun sigh about sigh Zoe blowing sigh things.
Why did I screencap this?? lol no idea. I think this was when she first started therapy. I think she had an attitude about it, right? NO ONE'S ONE FORCING YOU TO GO TO THERAPY, ZOE. But lowkey, I'd have an attitude, too, if I got myself together enough to sign up to be therapized and I walk in and fucking
Tasha Smith is there. I would do a quick 180 right out that fucking door, so Zoe is better than me for staying and simply just settling for being salty about it lol. (I love Tasha Smith, btw, lol, but you're not going to be loud-talking therapy at me, no ma'am!)
Oh boy. Zoe is at Quinton's and he's like ~~painting her~~. She's wrapped in like a velvet curtain or some shit? Deliver me. And Zoe is like kissing on him and stuff and Quinton is complaining about her fidgeting. Sigh, this is why you don't fuck your muse. Or at least pay them so they have incentive to sit still. Was Zoe getting paid? AND NOT IN DICK SO DON'T ANSWER THAT. This small head nigga look like he aint packing no way, so even if you said that as an answer I'd just give you
So don't even try it.
This is how Quinton looked while ~painting~ Zoe. I hate him so much. Look at those fake ass swipes of paint on his EXPOSED CHEST. PUT A SHIRT ON WHILE DOING YOUR JOB!! AND IS THIS SPICY NIGGA WEARING A FUCKING CARDIGAN????? ANOTHER ROUND OF ARE YOU COLD, OR NAH?!! HOW DO YOU PLAY THIS GAME I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA BUT WHY ARE THE BUTTONS SO LOW DID HE GET THAT SWEATER BLOUSE FROM CHARLOTTE RUSSE I FUCKING KNOW HE DID I JUST KNOW IT.
ayo there go that velvet curtain Zoe was wearing. I hate everything about this movie, and life in general.
Oh, so Zoe's nosing around Quinton's pad, looking at his other paintings. She discovers all these paintings with these women and it looks like basically what he's doing with her. Quinton pops up on her like "¿ummmm??". Zoe asks about them and I think Quinton says those women were his past and Zoe's his future. lol future what? A bitch with two kids and a husband is only, at best, your future attempted murder victim spoiler alert spoiler alert.
Oh he was in the shower I guess? Sigh, I'm so tired of this nigga's chest. Anyway, I think Zoe gets p'oed at the paintings and decides to leave. Quinton is sort of like wtf? and saying all this about how he loves her and begging her to stay and all this mess. Sigh, please...please put a shirt on. Love a shirt. Beg a shirt to stay on your body.
Why did I take this screenshot of Baldis? Maybe this was when Zoe showed up at home...I think she had missed another one of her son's games fucking with Quinton? lol mess. Also why are her hubby and mom matching? <.< hmm, suss. Very suss.
lol, yes, poor lightskint bb was bitching again about his mommy not being at his game. Well, nigga, maybe if you didn't have a jheri curl. Then maybe your mother would love you. Probably not but
YES, GO AWF!!!!!!
LOOK AT HIM!! Look at his little sad self sitting back there. Lol that lil nigga really gave me my entire life the whole movie. He truly honestly was the real star of this film I'm not even being like facetious or a word that actually makes sense here. Oh, and in the wee corner over there is the daughter. Hated her. She had like a grown woman face, and was never givin' me sassy mulatto tease like the son. Also he stayed in his soccer gear. That really added to his appeal for some reason.
I'm just gonna post a bunch of screenshots of the son getting in his feelings because they were honestly, honestly, the best moments of the film
(lol I kept trying to perfectly capture the way he was holding his face. He looked like a grown ass dude getting in a fight with his girl or something. He was really doing too much for me lol)
Oh this was when the daughter touched Zoe's face and like pulled her fingers away with paint on them. I think the only one who gave Zoe a meaningful suspicious look about that was the mom, though, which is wild. WHY DOES ZOE HAVE PAINT ON HER FACE??! I think she came up with some bullshit about how she was working with a new artist at work. lol and I guess he got his brush up really close on that face, girl stop it!!! Stop the lies!! You work at a marketing company!!!
Yeah here go the mom giving Zoe a meaningful suspicious look. She was pretty much the only one to be doing this for the majority of the movie, until the dumber other ones caught on. She never said anything to Zoe, tho, I guess because she felt it wasn't her place? She's living with them in that nice ass house so she's probably like ZIPPED LIPS!! lol, smart. Very smart, grandma. Yo, but is that a wedding band? Who she married to? Where Zoe daddy at? Sigh, probably at the v-neck store asking the employees if they're making sideways c-necks yet. No? What about x-necks? To show off his chest and pubic hair simultaneously fam!!!
Here, everyone was giving Zoe a little tude. The fam had been gettin' hella annoyed by Zoe's persistent absence and were just not feelin' her tryna show up and drink hot chocolate. I. lived.
Look at the son. Feel his glares.
I cannot. And Will not. fucking deal with him.
Okay. Zoe and Baldass are in the kitchen. Zoe's washing dishes and Baldass, a man, is doing what men do: nothing. It occurs to him at some point to rummage through Zoe's bag and peek at her phone? I think she has a new message. He picks up her phone and is like: "You got a new phone!" or something like that. Zoe is nervous as hell because she thinks he's going to peep the sexy shirtless artist sending her tiny head pics.
idk. Baldass in that like cobalt sweater smiling at his wife like she isn't getting her cave excavated on the reg by another dude is really...pleasing to me. Let's see how cute he looks when Zoe randomly springs "Let's go to marriage counseling" on him
Still cute. But more confused. He's like "?????? marriage counseling ¿¿"
???? :/ ???/ ¿¿¿¿
Though Baldass looks very confused, he wasn't confused enough for me. In the movie, Zoe is struggling with her demons seemingly solo dolo, and Baldass is pretty much walking around none the wiser, so when she springs the counseling thing on him, it seems really surprising. I mean, if I were him I'd be like "um, bitch, tf u mean????". Baldass kinda does this, but mostly he expresses that he feels uncomfortable discussing their "problems" with a stranger and would prefer if they work things out together on their own. But it's crazy because at no time before this did either one of them acknowledge there were problems. Yeah, Zoe's been ~*~working~*~ a lot lately, but the only nigga really naggin' her about that is the bitch ass son. Baldass is walking around happy as hell in sweaters, sippin' on hot cocoa, feelin' hella secure in his marriage. Until this scene, I guess.
Baldass and Zoe decide to work on their "probems", which neither of them openly addressed, and the convo about marriage counseling is deaded. Zoe walks away unfulfilled yet again. Baldass is stupid and says that cutesy gross bullshit they were saying to each other earlier in the film, something like: "Our love is forever", and Zoe is supposed to say back like "Forever and always" or some disgusting shit, but in this moment she doesn't. She just like leaves the kitchen to take the trash out and Baldass is just standing there making me wonder where he got that sweater, and is he bald by choice, or was he forced into the matter? I wonder what he would look like with hair. Did he ever rock atrocious lacefront cornrows in a Tyler Perry movie? I lowkey need that.
So it seems like that little talk between Zoe and Baldass worked wonders. I hated this scene because it was supposed to be postcoital but both Z and No Shirt were almost fully clothed. No Shirt's pants are unbuttoned, so maybe Zoe just gave him a little head? But knowing her randy ass, I doubt that's all they did. Why is this movie lowkey chaste but like super all about sex at the same time - how does that work? Lol is this one of those undercover Christian films? Like produced by T.D. Jakes or some shit? Judging by how the movie ends, I honestly would not be surprised and that is actually hilarious if this is lowkey a religious film I'm scre a m i ng.
A TEAR! Sort of. What...happened in this scene? Something something...I think Zoe tried to ~break up~ with No Shirt again? Was this before or after she caught him fucking Kat Graham? Does it matter? No. Nothing does. The universe is a void. BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT THIS NIGGA IS WEARING A SHIRT FINALLY THANK YOU JESUS. It looks like a v-neck, tho, so I'm only thanking you like 75%, for a 75% shirt. Throw this nigga a 100% completed shirt and you can get the full 100 thanks.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Zoe "ends" things with Quinton, but her sluttin' it up has only just begun. She gets a new nigga, that blasian raisinet Tyson Beckford, like 2.2 seconds after chuckin' the deuces to ol' No Shirt. Atta girl.
Zoe's in therapy talkin' bout all her ratchet bullshit and Tasha Smith starts goin. in. Like, honestly, "YOU NEED TO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, GIRL!" What/whom you need to get together is whoever told you that wig was a good idea.
Zoe is in her office masturbating, imagining Tyson Beckford in a motorcycle jacket is there giving her the d. She's rollin' around all over the table and shit, then her assistafriend knocks on the door or something and comes in like..."You good???"
Then she lays it down that the company is failing, and that she's still buying fucking jewelry from Fashion Bug.
The thing about the assistafriend: it seems she and Zoe started their company together. Not sure why Zoe is like the CEO...maybe I misread some things. Maybe they didn't become "friends" until after the company was started, or maybe it was Zoe's seed money that was used to get it off the ground? Idk, but their relationship seemed really off in terms of power balance and respect, and it disturbed me the most in the movie. Zoe shits so completely on this woman and there is never any resolution, or even any real acknowledgement that she was treated so poorly. This movie lowkey hates women, I'm pretty sure. There is crazy shade left and right, starting with those horrible ass fucking fashions. But honestly, all the dude characters are terrible, too, and wear way worse clothes. Or also they are wearing Dress Barn items, but from that plus size section, which would explain everything about Quinton. And Boris. And Tyson. Lowkey this movie hates humanity.
oh okay. So. Kat Graham is some random, like, ballerina with a terrible wig that lives with Quinton? We meet her earlier in the film when Zoe first tries to end things with Quinton. It was weird how Zoe didn't really question her presence, nor automatically assume Quinton was fucking her. AND UM EXCUSE ME, but how does Zoe have the audacity to get salty about this????? SHE GETS UPSET ABOUT QUINTON FUCKING SOME OTHER BITCH AS IF SHE IS BALDASS KODJOE AND QUENTIN IS ZOE AND KAT GRAHAM IS QUINTON AND BALDASS CAUGHT ZOE FUCKING QUINTON ON SOME WEIRD SEX SWING THING. liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeee has Zoe dun forgot who the fuck she is, and what kind of ratchet ass life she's been living as of late???? How u gon get mad at your sidepiece for having their own sidepiece?? AND LET'S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE ENDED THINGS WITH QUINTON!! AM I CORRECT OR NAH??? And Quinton is yelling at her like "WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME?!??!!?" Ugh, exactly. Don't make me, like, agree with No Shirt, Zoe. Please!!
And Kat's just like "Do you wanna join us???" Which was...sigh, funny. Who is Kat Graham? I've never seen Vampire Diaries, so I don't know her like that. Should I care about Kat Graham? She looks like an ultra-tan Hayden Panettiere, and I very much might be into that. We'll see!
After leaving Quinton's in a huff, Zoe pops by her new ho's haus for some quick d. He answers the door with his chest and torso uncovered, and I weep for this earth.
Zoe gives her lite brite ass son some goodnight hugs before dashing off into the night for seedy sex club activities with Tyson.
The son, per usual, is giving me more than I ever asked for. Is his room softly lit by candlelight? Why does he have a sexy nineties r&b video going on in his room? If this little zest nugget don't get. And the way he was turning up his nose when Zoe said goodnight to him - boyyyy!!!!! I wish this whole movie was told from his perspective. He probably has photos of Zoe stuffed under his mattress. Lol, who am I kidding they are of Boris stop. playin.
Zoe's mom judges her as she stalks away into the night. BUT SHE DON'T SAY SHIT!! AND I CAN TELL SHE FAKE READIN THAT BOOK!!!!
lol. So Zoe cums home from the sex club all late and shit and Baldass is waiting for her in the dark, like some creep. Or concerned husband or whatever. He's drinking a beer so we know he is anguished or whatever. Lol Boris was so like a ~perfect~ husband in this. If this were a Tyler Perry film he'd be beating on this bitch, or played by some dark ass and oh he has AIDS and a baby mama and he makes Zoe use margarine on everything and has banned real butter from the house. But in this movie, Bald-a-bear is almost too good. Like Zoe's only gripe is he falls asleep after he makes her cum twice? She wanted to cum three times, dammit, and she deserves to!!!
Baldass confronts Zoe about her recent behavior. He brings up how their life is basically perfect, but Zoe says she wants Baldass to loosen up, fuck her right there on the couch. Baldass throws out some condom he "found" in Zoe's purse. "Condoms, Zoe?!?! We don't use condoms!!" lol, you should-ha-you should probably start. My fave is Zoe's excuse for the condom. I think she says she went off birth control because she was allergic. Lol, okay, Zoe. But if the condoms are for her and Boris, wouldn't he know about them? SIIIIIGGGH. And Baldass doesn't even contest that excuse. It's so flimsy omg, and nothing gets resolved in this confrontation. After Zoe tells Baldeagle to fuck her on the couch or whatever, he does disgust face and is like "You just don't get it..." No, mah dude, it's you who doesn't get it.
So Zoe casually strolls into work one day and all her employees are giving her THE EYE. Smh, who stares down their boss like this? Even if her nympho slut ass is solely responsible for slacking off on responsibilities and single handedly destroying the company and eliminating your jobs and livelihoods - sigh, nah, they in the right lol. They actually not doin enough. Burn this bitch!! Tar and feather that. ass!
I think in this scene the assistafriend let Zoe know the state of the company. The state is that there is no state. Zoe is great at fucking: dudes, and her company up. Hah. Kill me.
SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ol' Bojo is supposed to be some architect. Hah lol stop it. I mean, I guess if Gary Cooper's stupid ass could play one in The Fountainhead, then...
So Baldass is an architect and I guess that for some reason means he ends up at Chest Exposed's house to check out his art. I guess he's looking to decorate one of the homes? Or maybe he said something about a new office? Sigh, it really...it just does not fucking matter. WHAT DOES MATTER! Is that Zoe is hiding out in No Shirt's apartment while Borehead is browsing around. She got her purse lying out and shit and there's also that painting Chest Exposed did of her, but it's covered with a sheet. Zoe is hiding in a room worried Borehead will notice either her purse, or the painting. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
ugh. Borehead notices some ugly sculpture Quinton did of his heart. I automatically clock it as the weapon Baldass will use at some point to beat Q-ball with. Annnnnnddd this movie stays tryna be some budget, black version of Unfaithful. Secretly making it a superior, more attractive version. s i gh
I'm just gonna post screencaps I took of a session Zoe had with her therapist and, again, the therapist was going. awf. on this bitch and it was so funny. Like, are therapists supposed to use their outside standing directly under a helicopter voice with their clients??? Tasha Smith was actually perfectly cast, because if anyone is gonna yell some sense into Zoe's dumb ass head, it's her
(Zoe was tryna get an attitude but Tasha clapped back immediately and severely)
(^this was her clapping back. Look at the nostril flares. Who does Zoe think she is talking to???)
(????????????????????????????????!!!?!? Like, who?!! Zoe got the wrong bitch fucked up, and you can see that very clear and precisely in these caps)
lol, so Tyson Beckford's irrelevant ass drops by Zoe's crib to ~deliver a package~~. Zoe's just riding up to the house as Tyson is leaving. He leaves ~~the package~~ with Zoe's mom. Zoe is all frantic, worried he spilled all her business or some shit, I guess. Then Zoe tells on herself by nervously opening the package up in her front of her mom, I think. It's just a pair of her underwear. Dumb. I think Zoe lies and says it's some papers from work. Right, Tyson Beckford works as the messenger for your firm. And they pay him enough to where he can buy an expensive looking motorcycle and the fancy, zesty ass riding gear to match. *that why u always lyin vine*
Quinton Cano$a delivers that ugly ass heart sculpture to Baldass. This makes Zoe vomit. What's funny in this scene is that Zoe goes to vomit and we can like hear her throwing up in the bathroom or whatever but Baldass takes a few more moments to look over the ugly sculpture in awe, before going to check in on her. Honestly, when I see things like this in a movie I think the writers or director or whomever must be trolling. Some unintentionally funny stuff just seems like too unintentionally funny sometimes, you know???
Okay, turn up. lol, so. SSSSOOOOOO. Zoe decides to get her life right, but she's a stupid ass bitch, so she does it in the dumbest way possible? I think? Like her ~plan~ could not have been less intelligent, me thinks. She decides to go to Quinton's house to tell him she will no longer be seeing him, and because her lazy ass is lazy, she invites Tyson's squinty eye ass over there, too, as sort of a two-for-one break-up deal. Or, a one for two????? She's breaking up with them both at once!!! But neither of them knew about the other one. I took some caps of their faces being confused at Zoe's various sluttirous activities
These two niggas are CONFUSADORA. Or maybe that's just their faces. iono
Zoe's like "uhhhhhhhh...". Girl, if you're gonna be a huge nymphomaniacal whore, fucking learn the game!! Own this shit!! Don't be mouth droolin' when YOU THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO BREAK UP WITH TWO OF YOUR SIDE NIGGAS AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!! I mean!!!!! lol but lowkey she is hilarious and dumb as fuck and I love her and never change Zoe, you stupid ass ho!
Sigh.com Tyson, blasian, and Mexican B Pitt get into it. Or, not really. I think maybe...Tyson starts to throw blows, but then they have this moment like "what are we doing?" Or I think Tyson has this funny moment where he acknowledges the craziness and dumbness of the situation and just decides to bounce? So, yeah, he goes to leave.
lol, but then for no reason Quinton bashes him over the head???? And he's just lying there possibly dead and I'm like "????" So, sigh, it's time for No Shirt to turn up the crazy. BUT LET I REMIND YOU THAT HE SHOWED NO REAL SIGNS OF LUNACY PRIOR TO BONKING TYSON ON THE DOME. Maybe he looked a lil suss when he was shedding those non-tears in the warehouse, but I wasn't getting crazy teas, so much as, like, fuckboi teas. So, like, is every nigga insane? Sigh. Maybe :(
What was that glass from? Was it from when he bonked Tyson, or did Zoe throw something to prevent Q-ball from chasing her? Idk, but glass is not gonna stop a psychopath, so Quinton just walks over that shit. Okay, but why is this movie all of a sudden a thriller? Lol, like spare me. But also continue, cuz I'm living.
Here are some caps I took of Quinton being the ~wild n crazy~~~ psychopath we, the audience, have come to know him to be over the course of the film. Sike? But, like, sike??
Crazy Quinton wears shirts, I guess?
But he doesn't wear socks or shoes :( ouchies!!
I was so mad at this movie suddenly turning into a thriller and this nigga is sitting up here using the light from his phone to chase after Zoe. I feel like the unplannedness of all of this shows how not-crazy Quinton was, but just, like, a dude who is hurt. You know? If he were a real loon he would've been prepared for Zoe to pull some shit like inviting Tyson Beckford over and scheduling their break up at the same time. A real loony burger would have had her barrel full of sulphuric acid ready and waiting, and he certainly would have a proper flashlight on hand. But maybe he does have the barrel ready, and he's just unbothered about everything else. Like, why get a real flashlight? She'll be in that barrel soon enough :)
Quinton gets one of his artist tool things to start stalking after Zoe with. A real psycho would have proper murdering tools!!! That's all I'm saying!
idk, he starts slashing paintings. I would say that's a real psycho move, but those paintings are shit, so...it's actually a pretty sane decision. Sigh, where is Baldass to clonk Mexipitt over the head? I'm bored with this "chase".
There she is!!!! My hero :") Just kidding why is there like thirty minutes left in this movie????
Quinton's dead on the floor I guess? Kat Graham apparently was home the whole time while all this was going on? lol. She comes in mad late like "WHAT DID U DO TO HIM???" Girl, he's fine. lol, honestly we never find out, though. Oh, no!! No, I'm forgetting. We see them later and Mexipitt and Kat Graham are like snuggled up on the couch. Lol, no one honestly asked for their end of the movie update. I mean, girl, no one.
So after killing Mexipitt, and just leaving his body there, Zoe and Baldass get into a confrontation on the street. I remember this little scene from the trailers and it's what intrigued me about watching the movie, because Zoe says something like "Don't give up on us!" and Baldass yells back like "You gave up on us!!" I mean, pretty much.
Zoe says that because I think Baldass is like "I'm done" and is trying to wipe his hands clean of Zoe, and she goes into a fit. Idk..................................................................how I feel in this scene. Boris supposedly loves Zoe so much...and...idk how I feel about him being like "Nah, it's over, you're dead to me". Like they have a family and life together, how can it be so simple? But I also get people who will counter, "Okay, Zoe should have been thinking about that when...". And that's so true. And honestly while watching this scene I was kinda like "Zoe, let him leave and take the kids, like...do you even like them????" lol idk, man.
I think here Baldass called Zoe garbage or trash? A piece of shit? Something. He reamed into her, for sure. no pun in gvtecgtnded
Then he's like, "Deuces, I'm taking the kids. See ya, bitch!!"
Zoe is depressed. She says something like if Boris and the kids leave, she has nothing. So, natch,
She jumps out in front of a car. I am so angered inside of my body that I couldn't properly screencap the exact moment of impact. It made me want to jump in front of a car, ala Zoe.
Boris is like,
which was the exact opposite of my reaction. I laughed for a million minutes straight, this is not hyperbole. One. million. minutes.
lol. After Zoe gets body slammed by that car, Boris takes his anger out by ripping the covers and shit off their bed?? Lol is this nigga just upset because Zoe cheated and not because she dead? (I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD IN THIS SCENE WHICH MADE IT FUNNIER BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE WASN'T DEAD BUT IT'S STILL JUST AS FUNNY IDK)
Baldass solemnly contemplates in the park.
I WAS SO MAD WHEN THEY SHOWED HER IN THE HOSPITAL. I really thought this bih was dead!! That car fucking B O DI ED her ass!!! Like, her manicure is still in place! All this bitch got was a broken arm?? Come on!!
Boris is wheeling her busted ass around at the hospital. He parks the wheelchair to comment that all he can think about is Zoe fucking other dudes. Lol, okay, can we wait until her body is healed before we start getting into that?? Maybe???
WHY IS THE FRIEND AT THE WELCOME HOME ZOE PARTY????? DIDN'T ZOE MAKE YOUR JOB GO AWAY?? HOW WILL YOU STAY IN DRESS BARN'S FINEST????? Dumb, no self-respect.
Zoe's drool mouth kids happily greet her homecoming from the hospital. I guess ol' Baldass aint let them know how she ended up there.
lol Brightass is so fake. Oh, now it's all good? I see you!
Zoe's depressed on the couch because Borehead left her and idk, her life is a fucking mess. Why the friend aint depressed on a couch? Didn't she lose her job, isn't her life a mess? And why the fuck Zoe got a full face of makeup on if she under the bell jar? This movie needs to get. Her hair all done and shit! Stop it!!!
lol, so. The mom confronts Boris about him not living at the house anymore. She basically says that Zoe is sick and whatever happened to "in sickness and in health" or whatever those fucking wedding vows are. I can't remember if Boris countered "Did Zoe follow the vows?!?!" Like, prob he did. So I guess the mom pushed the whole "Zoe is sick" thing more on him, to guilt him into maybe taking her back. She gives him a fucking Sex Addicts Anonymous pamphlet. How awkward for your mom to be like, giving people pamphlets concerning your sex addiction. And like, to your husband, the main nigga who should probably already know about it???? Wow, and ouch.
Zoe goes to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. She tells her bullshit, it's not even interesting. I bet that bitch in the bootcut jeans next to her let like the entire NY Knicks run a train on her. Sit down, Zoe, you're a snooze!!
Bojo turns up to the meeting while Zoe is talking to the group. Sigh, here we go with the bullshit
sigh! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE
THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. IT'S NOT ABOUT JUST YOU TWO SIGH LIKE WHAT IS THIS BIG ROMANTIC GESTURE THING DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEX ADDICTION ANONYMOUS MEETING SIGH WHAT THE FUCK
no no no!!! LOOK AT THAT ONE DUDE CLAPPING!!!
lol but then look at that other dude. Like, "That nigga gettin it in?" He bout to leave and give up his treatment and shit lol
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey