The Accountant (2016)

I kept seeing people hype this movie across the interwebs. Not to the extent they hype The Nice Guys, which I still haven't watched because it has Russell Crowe in it. He emits a noxious, dark-sided energy (Australian) that doesn't sit right with my spirit lol. But in regards to The Accountant, there's definitely been a consistent "The Accountant is pretty good actually" accompanied by great, stinky undertones of "Eventho Ben Affleck is there".

I ignored this hype. Because how can a movie called "The Accountant" starring Ben Affleck in the titular role be good? And the answer is: Well, it's not. Lmao. It's...a movie. Definitely a movie. It's honestly what I expected it to be when I first heard about it: A movie where Ben Affleck plays a strange accountant and his love interest for some reason is annoying Anna Kendrick. It's literally exactly what you would expect from...that. Even all the gun violence for some reason lmao. Almost zero surprises. The only thing I didn't realize for the longest was that Jon Bernthal was in this movie. I woulda watched this nonsense a long time ago had I known lol. There was literally no reason for me to watch this before I discovered he was in this. And I still almost didn't once I discovered he was in the cast because I'm like he probably just has some dumb small role this isn't worth my time. And honestly? I wasn't wrong lmaoooo. But anyway, I watched it, and I immediately forgot about it as soon as I was finished with it.

Or, I thought I had. But I guess that's a lie because here I am writing about it. This movie's mediocrity really got under my skin, I suppose. It honestly comes across like it was written by a bot, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was. But look at me talking shit when I've decided to waste my precious time on Earth writing about this mess when I could be, you know, getting my affairs in order. I would if I had any affairs to sort. I just have a blogspot blog. This is it pretty much. So..

The title card. Off to a riveting start, I'd say.

So the movie's main character is Very Autistic. They throw us in straight away by showing the child version of him blatantly stimming while putting together a puzzle. Those autistic freaks and their damn puzzles! But listen, it gets the audience's attention. The whole vibe is: Imagine a child. Now imagine a child who wriggles their fingers around a little bit and does puzzles. Got the girlies gasping and the movie has barely started. That's how you make a picture. That's cinema.

The way I would snatch my child from this center with the quickness. Imagine a neuroscience center that is like: Leave your child here with me unchaperoned for months on end and the guy in charge says something like this? Unserious.

Wait - vacuums bother me a lot? I'm like a dog when a vacuum is turned on. Wait, am I autistic? Honestly, I'm too old for it to even matter at this point so let's just move on lmaooooo

False alarm! There's NO WAY I'm autistic. I have multiple shirts, not just the one! All the tags have to be cut out or I'll literally turn into The Hulk if they're not, but otherwise everything's totally normal :)

Love how they show The Dad looking at fingerpaintings at the Autistic School they're considering for their son and he has so much contempt and disgust radiating off of him like it's the most horrific thing he's ever seen. They try to make it kind of subtle, all the acting is kind of in the dad's body language, but at the same time it's reallllly obvious he's not down with sending his son to the school and you can tell he doesn't like the idea of his son being considered a helmet head freak essentially if he attends

The main character's dad (I don't think he has a name?) decides his autistic kid can't stay at the neuroscience center. I honestly was expecting the dad to turn out to be really abusive and was bracing myself for scenes of him beating on and yelling at his ~disabled~ kid. Thankfully? that doesn't happen. But...still, things do happen. Very strange things. I believe my relief the dad didn't turn out to be a child beater was...premature, for sure.

Gonna kill this neuroscience center guy

Feel like the casting for Yung Ben Affleck was good - they have the same gigantic blockhead lol

She's just like me

Christian Wolff is such an obvious fake, non-name. It brings to mind the name of an aged porn star whose career height was in the 90s when they were all tan and oiled and buff and butterfaced but it's 2023 and they are like 53 and still doing porn but now they're all gristled and hard and sad. It was still sad in the 90s but at least you could get cast as an extra on Baywatch back then. What is there now to look forward to? There's no Baywatch post-9/11. Just a bunch of tryhard prestige TV. And if anyone is wearing a bikini they have to look like Kevin Smith because of WOKE. You would kill yourself but you can't afford to buy a gun. Also you don't know how.

What do you think Ben Affleck Autistic Guy is talking about with these people? He's probably just standing there, awkward-bodied and mumbling. He's so me.

Dem wypipo tryna bring my girl Miss Pretty Face into their tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let my girl go back to her desk so she can scroll insta in peace. Stop tryna drop my girly onto the frontlines. Get somebody ugly in the office to do it.

Imagine your bald boss calls you into their office and casually pulls up your mugshot. Just nasty and devil-minded. She slayed tho, and y'all can never take that away from her!

Fun fact: Autistics like things in threes!! Also, they have no souls!

The way the movie displays Christian's "high-functioning" autism/aspergers is very on the nose lmao. It's very...uh, visual. Autism isn't new to anyone at this point, even the brain-dead flyover state mongoloids Hollywood is trying to pander to lol. We all know about autism y'all, let's relax a little.

Autists love breakfast for dinner! They're so wild and wackadoo!! Up for down, right for left! What WILL they do next?!

Honestly, me. But literally why does Christian have like nothing in his house? Is it because his character's sole personality trait is: autism? Or is it because he has to move around a lot due to his criminal lifestyle? Either way, it is so over the top to the degree that it is comical. But maybe it's supposed to be funny? My corroded autistic brain doesn't understand humor, sorry.

Me when I see a spider

Loving the vibe of Unnamed Younger Brother. I like how in every flashback scene he is just off to the side glaring upon the unjust conditions of his meager life. Obsessed with how he is never interacting with any of his family members in the flashbacks. We see here he is throwing up the middle finger to his mother and this is like the most engagement we see him have with anyone from his family lol. I think it is intentional to show how it is growing up as a sibling in a household where there is a disabled and/or "problem child" who receives all the parental attention. For some reason, I related to his character despite the fact that I would definitely be the off-putting neurodivergent sibling if this were my life lmao but something about him quietly steaming in every scene, wholly ignored, felt very specific and relatable to me, idk.

Anyway, in the scene above the mother of the family is leaving literally because her child is autistic and I found that genuinely hilarious. Maybe it's not supposed to be? Also, I'm simplifying it, by like, a lot. She's leaving because the conditions are so untenable at the moment and something's gotta give. The dad refuses to get his son help and it's just too much. Abandoning your child who didn't ask to be here tho is definitely a choice. It's weird how the psychotic dad winds up being the "good" parent in this scenario. I guess life is like a box of chocolates like that dimwit Forrest had said it was, huh?

Soo...I looked up Solomon Grundy, cuz I didn't know wtf Chris kept going on about, and the main thing that came up was some sort of fat ugly DC comic book character? Is this movie secretly a superhero film? Because if it is...that would explain so much. And by "so much" I mean, why I did not like it and thought it seemed like it was written by AI :)

Please why does he look Dominican?

There are several shots at various points of the movie that are just Ben Affleck lying down staring up with dead, lifeless eyes into the camera. I had NO IDEA artistically what the movie was going for with that lmao why did it keee p fhapppening.f.

Not Christian got him a little grandpa-girlfriend in the pen. Not but literally why is Christian in prison - did I miss something? Later in a flashback they show some sort of scuffle that took place at the funeral for his mother. I think maybe I zoned out and missed something lmao because I truly have no idea why he was imprisoned. His father died at the funeral but I didn't think that was directly caused by Christian? But I concede that I possibly slipped into maladaptive daydreaming because of my low interest in the plot and lost like, probably twenty minutes there and just simply missed an entire scene where that was explained. And honestly, I don't even care anymore.

Obsessed with the exposition dump here that you can tell they thought was real smooth and seamless. Grandpa says directly out of his brown, lipless mouth--not even whispering--in the middle of a military prison, that he taught Big Chris the ways of the underworld. So there's that - now we have our explanation for how a mild-mannered~ accountant becomes embroiled in a life of chaos and crime. Eventho...I assumed the explanation would've been that it was his lunatic father who basically groomed him for this life. But no it was just some random old man Christian met in prison and the reason he's in prison is because he got into a tussle at a funeral and I think none of those things has anything to do with all those psychotic years he spent with his demented, sociopathic father grooming him for a life of Glasses Batman. Weird how the plot removes almost all responsibilty on the dad's end. They're just like: Christian can kill people because his dad taught him :)! Like it's a good thing or something. Why does Christian even have a life where he needs to know how to do that??

What does the old man mean by "handler"? This is military prison so I thought maybe some specific military prison jargon. Context clues tell me it's just like a head shrinker or something. But maybe it's the MK Ultra guy who's going to perform his final lobotomy? Maybe those are one and the same.

Another scene of Christian's big heavyset ass lying down with the camera on top of him. It must mean something, but I can't figure it out. In this scene they have Ben Affleck like waking up to the sound of his alarm and it's the most fake-looking waking up I think I've ever seen committed to celluloid. I don't think Ben Affleck is a serious person at all and I also think he might be secretly Dominican.

Unserious. Making it way too obvious John Lithgow is the villain from jump. He's already always the villain anyway, but now y'all want to throw a lacefront on top of it? Come on now...

Why would Christian's British robot girlfriend~ think that any large company, no matter what they do or produce, would have honor/not be dirty? Or even just Christian himself, who is a literal murderer and money launderer? Like no one is legit, what's not clicking for you??

This bald guy's unveiled disgust at Christian's general neurodivergency. And Christian is presenting as professional and normal-ish in this scene and not stimming or anything lmao but this man can suss out his freakishness and he wants him dead, exterminated. Genuinely funny.

It's giving Hello Darkness my old friend. And honestly, literally just me watching any scene of the movie that doesn't have Jon Bernthal speaking in an unplacable, uncanny accent. Sometimes he sounds Southern, like from Downsouth, but then other times he sounds sickeningly Californian?? Also sometimes he looks Puerto Rican but no one ever mentions this?? Also no one ever mentions Ben Affleck being secretly Dominican? It's giving anti-Latino vibes idk!!

This got a laugh from me. Sometimes the chatbot can make a girl giggle, sue me!

What the hell kinda old yt man name is Lamar? Very clearly villain-coded like COME ON!

Ole long head giggling like he didn't just hire basically an idiot savant who finna find out about all your evil deeds and doings? Like what was really the game plan here? They state that he hired Christian to find the "leaks" in his books, to make sure it wouldn't be found out by the media or whoever once the company went public but like he had to know Christian would find that illegal goings-ons were happening and he was responsible? Maybe he always planned to get rid of Christian once the job was done? Idk I'm at a loss. Is the movie stupid or is me the dummy? Why not both?

Me when Ben Affleck pretends to know math

Jon Bernthal's character is called BRAX. *stares*

Blue Steel in the rearview purr

Why did that British guy say "American. Shocking."? Like as soon as BRAX got into his car and said one word he just immediately pegged him as American. Meanwhile it's giving completely Puerto Rican so idk why they even had him say that but Hollywood loves their delusions I suppose

Me when there's no Jon Bernthal or Miss Pretty Face. It's giving big *skips ahead* energy when neither one of my booboos are on the screen

I thought it was cute how Christian tried to wake up the little white girl. But by no means does this make for enough material to ship them? Does this *stares* movie expect me to ship them? That can't be what's happening..

A fat ass lie

It's Ben Affleck sighing because he's forced to engage with Anna Kendrick for me

This is giving creepy professor in a Lifetime movie called something like The Teacher's Seduction and they say the movie is set in like Topanga, California or something but really it's Ontario, Canada and all the actors are blatantly Canadian and don't even try to make their accents sound anything close to a general American accent let alone a Californian one. Anyway, Ben plays the creepy professor who tells a naive student that he will give her high marks but she has to twerk some to get it. But there's a twist in the third act that reveals the student is really an escapee from some twisted satantic sex cult out in the boonies (they only show creepy middle-aged people in red robes but no actual sex stuff) and the cult leader who also happens to be her father comes out to try to kidnap his daughter back but in the process ends up trying to kill the creepy professor and then the professor gets to be a hero in the final hour by rescuing his student from her psychotic cult but he still gets arrested but happily the student is saved and safe and she graduates to her second year of college and gets a job on campus working in the cafe and everything is fine but still somehow there's something off and you think there's going to be a jumpscare in the last second of the movie but it ends normally and you realize that unsettling feeling you were experiencing was just the general uncanny vibes of an all-Canadian cast pretending to be American and the movie gaslighting you the entire time that it's set in California when you can clearly see downtown Toronto in every scene like your brain knows it inherently even if you have never been and you would never go

The complete lack of chemistry between these two the entire movie is stunning

Ben Affleck pretending to grasp accounting-level math the entire film is giving Jeremy Renner as a competent scientist in Arrival levels of Hollywood Delusion

My crackship of the movie is Miss Pretty Face and Ben Autistic. They never once interact the entire film. Gonna kms!! I thought it was unintentionally romantic how she was obessively trying to figure out *who* Ben's character actually is (it's literally her ass if she doesn't LMAOO). Literally no one attempts this the entire film but her. The movie doesn't understand what they've done I think. But if they wanted to they could do a romance with that. Or an erotic obsession thriller? They could make a movie I actually like, I mean. Or, maybe they can't. Cuz if they could they woulda done it.

Look at my baby serving rugged model realness. You're just jealous!

Please get off my screen... I'm gonna lose it!!

Christian and I share the same nightly ritual. Weird.

I feel like this movie tricked me into watching a secret superhero film. Something about Chris and Brax's dad signing them up for literal ninja training classes triggered my fight or flight response. This look like some shit that would happen in Daredevil. Y'all not foolin NO ONE! (They fooled me actually like it's literally not true why did I say that)

Chris and Braxxy's dad is literally psychotic. I honestly feel like it's not properly acknowledged in the movie at all. He rips up the family's entire life because of his obsession with forcing ~exposure therapy~ on his neurodivergent child. Mind you, he has only one autistic kid. The other one, what's his name, well, who cares what he has going on. This man is truly demented? Hello? Can CPS get involved like what's going on?? Honestly it's very real no one would intervene at any point to save these kids from this crazy man. Very real actually.

So it was obvi right away that Jon Bernthy was the little brother and working for ~the enemy~ the entire movie. It was too obvious? Like they kept showing the brother in the flashbacks and he never speaks, but like why would he even be present if we weren't finna see him again as an adult? Idk if the brother thing was supposed to not be obvious? But I liked it, I guess? Chris reuniting with his brother was the only thing I emotionally cared about in the film, so..there's that.

This nigga laying down again

Please Chris bought all sorts of criminal foolishness to these old peoples' house I'm screaming

This got a laugh out of me lol. The chatbot wins again :/

Ok, just kidnap her normally? You don't need to be doin alladat

Girl, focus! Your life is in danger!!

Me resigning to the movie's insistence on giving Anna Kendrick lines

They got my girl Miss Pretty Face stressin' over white nonsense. All y'all goin to hell

So funny they had Miss Pretty Face googling Asperger's syndrome like she had never heard of it before. Pretty sure there's a scene where she is trying to figure out how to identify neurodivergency facially in mugshots??? She's so unserious and I love her a lot

me

They literally have him just straight up explaining what Asperger's is in this scene???

Me when ole girl was tellin' that tired story about her prom dress. The real villain of this story is the producers who hired Anna Kendrick to be in this movie. Electric chair for all involved.

Are we supposed to infer that Chris is trying to be romantic with Anna, or is he trying to form a friendly bond? Cuz either way I'm killing myself

What was this? Was she tryna smooch?? I genuinely feel sick

Ok, drag him!! Also, the movie gives no reason why Chris would care about [googling Anna's character's name] DANA! They barely know each other and there's no real connection. Not saying I expect Chris to just let her get killed, but we're clearly supposed to think he has some sort of feelings for her whether that be romantic or familial or what have you but like how and why lmao they barely interacted and when they did it was awkward and unsettling? Idk that honestly explains all the interactions with any friends and romantic entanglements I've ever had so maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.

My girl cracked the code! IKTR! Now she not finna get sent to federal prison for lying on her job application!! Black queens will ALWAYS reign supreme!!

Were Christian's various aliases and the names of his money laundering fronts supposed to be a joke? Like, I think it was definitely a private little kee for him but how could he not expect someone would eventually catch on to him? He literally left a trail of clues for someone who really wanted to find him to find? Genuinely perplexed? Maybe he did it intentionally so his brother could find him, not really expecting any dull-brained federal agents to be able to catch on? He wasn't expecting Miss Pretty Face to catch his tea, I see. Never underestimate the queen!! (I'm genuinely so empty)

Me listening to Lacey-era Flyleaf while riding in the car when it's raining #mood

"The oldest is choosing [not] to be a victim" - the dad is genuinely deranged. Your son has autism - that's all. The only thing he's a "victim" of is being born to your crazy ass.

Chris got bullied by some French kids (that's genuinely insane ngl) and so his crazy dad makes him (and the other one) go out to whoop their ass. I get the thinking behind the dad's motives and don't even flatly disagree with where he's coming from, but his methods are just so harsh and deranged that anything he does I'm just begging for CPS or someone to come and rescue these damn kids. I'm not a parent, so I can't say much, but I just feel like there was a better way to approach literally everything. He is way too extreme and he ruined both his kids' lives, and he goin' to hell

Chris was creepily watchin' Dana through the door like Michael Meyers? *skips ahead*

Y'all need to understand that for far too long (most of the movie) I thought JK Simmons' character was the father of Chris and Brax the whole time. Even when this scene happened above^ that makes it clear it's a totally different guy what actually happened was I used it to confirm my suspicions that JK was the dad all along. Huh? I think I might be mentally challenged. I might have to delete this whole blog. I was talking shit but I think, legally, I might not be allowed?

Me when I check the time and realize I got like fifty more minutes left to go in the movie lmao

Tell me why I didn't realize til my second viewing that "The Brit" was Chris' homegirl from the neuroscience center. I think I might be too stupid to watch movies. I think I might need to be institutionalized.

Mind you, this movie is called "The Accountant"...

Negro, are you DUMB?!

Please I have tears in my eyes!!

Big, heavyset negrum done blew up a man in betwixt his thighs. Gayest shit I ever saw

I loved seeing Brax realize in real time it was his older brobro all along. Idk, it just got to me. Chatbot wins again :(

Me every scene lol

No but literally me eagerly anticipating Chris and Brax finally reuniting. This movie should be a gay incest brothers romance idk *gets arrested*

Aw, I feel bad for Brax but back up a bit lmao

Yeah, this movie knows what I came here to see

It's Braxton being turned on when Chris shot John Lithgow for meeeeeeee

Please this scene makes me want to see a sequel where Brax and Chris team up to...fight crime? Wait, what is it they do? What do either of them actually do? I guess Chris is an accountant? But like, with guns? and Braxton... What does Braxton do exactly? We need a whole like complimentary film explaining all the shit Braxton had going on while Chris was posted up in prison and working for various mob bosses after he got out. Like did Brax ever work at Applebees at any point? I ask because he has the look. Applebees or Chilis. I see him as the busboy and would watch an entire movie of him doing just that and nothing else. Hire me, Hollyweird!!

Wait, are we supposed to be shipping them? ...I think maybe I should have my computer taken away..