Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 5: I, Origins (2014)

Wow, I really thought this movie was going to be good. This came out like a year ago and the several glowing reviews I read for it had me really wanting to see this shit. It sounded different and unique and I've had mostly good experiences with Michael Pitt and Brit Marling, so I really thought I, Origins was going to turn the fuck up. It did...sort of turn the fuck up? Turn my stomach the fuck up. I mean, I just fucking dislocated my shoulder to make that reach, but actually I'm being 100% serious - this movie made me sick to my fucking stomach :') It was bad haha :') And I feel hoodwinked and bamboozled :')

B negative Pitt plays, hilariously, a scientist dude in this mess. His name is Ian and he wears glasses so you know he's super-smart and a scientist guy. I think at the beginning he's at a fucking college-y party wearing his fucking lab coat?? Maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but eyeroll anyway. Also I forgot how old he was supposed to be, and what level of school he was in?? Like maybe he was 22 and doing a science degree, but would a dude getting a BA in Science Shit have his own lab and be given assistants? Idk, anyway, it's only important to note that Ian is a SCIENCEY SCIENTIST. He photographs/studies eyes and is obsessed with them. When the movie was cycling through a bunch of photographs of eyes and they were like all white people eyes...that should've been my cue. Not to stop watching, just to immediately, completely, totally lower any and all expectations. Whoops, this wasn't going to be the super-yewneek, revelatory movie I thought it would be. But, I'm dumb, so I decided to ignore that violently-waving red flag. I ignored soooo many of them within the first twenty or thirty minutes, before I finally was like "fuck it, this is garbage" and settled in to talk shit for the rest of the film. 

One of those many many major redflags I ignored, despite it being so ugly and red and wavy, was when the mysterious masked stranger made her appearance. What did that bitch have on her face - pantyhose? Okay. She looked like hipster catwoman? Which, natch, appealed greatly to Ian's hipstery scientist ~look @ my kewl warby parker's~_~ sensibilities. Ian asks this bitch if she's okay because she's sitting outside on the ledge looking super-sad and neutered or whatever. Kitty Woman replies that she's looking at the moon. Who goes to a party and isolates themselves outside to stare at the sky? In the city?? What are you even looking at??? Instead of walking away from this obvious train wreck, Ian is all lol can I photograph ur eyeballs?? Kitty Woman is like why and Ian is like ~*~it's just what i do~*~*~*~* and so Kitty Woman agrees to let him take a pic of her super-kewl and unique eye orbs. Then they end up making out and I was like okaaaay. They take their kissing shit inside to the bathroom, I think, at this random party, to fuck. They barely get into it before Ian asks her if she's sure she won't regret sleeping with him. I guess she decides she will, and just takes off without saying anything. lol okay what dude would be like "are u sure, sweetie???¿¿" What a dumb ass. 

The day after the party, Ian goes into work and his token Asian lab work buddy guy - I actually think maybe he was more an IT-type dude?? - alerts him that he's been assigned a new assistant. It's Brit Marling in glasses because you need to know she's smart and a sciencey scientist. Ian doesn't clue-in, though, and is super-condescending to her. I guess because she's a first-year student and obviously an idiot??? But she impresses him by pretending to care about research he's doing on color-blind mice. Like, he wants to make them be able to see color?? Because????????? Who the eff knows, but Brit gets into it, helping him with some such shit lol like I really don't care. Let's skip to Ian seeing Kitty Woman's/Sofi's eyes and shit on billboards???

Like, I guess she's a model??? Ian never saw Sofi's face that night of the party, he just inputs that pic he took of her eyes into the computer and like google image searches it and up comes up a bunch of pics of this model girl??? It's weird that this movie never addresses...Sofi's career??? Like, I'm getting ahead of myself trying to recap this in sequence, but once they do meet up and Ian asks Sofi what she does for a living, she's all like "pass" or whatever and it's never brought up again? Um, okay. But maybe I'll get more into that later sigh. So anyway! Ian, while busy with his mice eyeball research shit, makes time to continue to be obsessed with the girl he met at that party one time and he got the tip in before freaking her out by asking her if she'd regret fucking him which she decided she would and fled. He goes to some convenience store and orders like a coffee and cigarettes or some shit and the total comes out to $11.11, right? And the time is like 11:11:56. I was annoyed the elevens weren't straight-through. I'm not impressed by the hour and minutes being eleven if you're also showing me the seconds on the counter and it's not also eleven? Like okay wow magical~~~. Eyeroll. But Ian, WHO IS STAUNCHLY ANTI-GOD AND DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING FORGET IT, sort of takes this as a ~*sign*~. Outside of the convenience store, while he's staring sort of in marvel and shock at the receipt (for some reason???), a bus pulls up and he gets on. I can't tell if he was waiting for the bus, or if he decided to get on because he felt it was some sort of sign from the universe even though he doesn't believe in that kind of shit CUZ SCIENCE, FUCK GOD.

The bus leads Ian to the subway, I guess, and he gets on a train and blammo, there's Sofi. Sofi is really cute and Frenchy/Spanishy. However, she looks 12. Which...I guess works for how the movie plays out a little later??? Sigh. I will say the actress was very intriguing to me. Maybe because of her accent? Or how Frenchy-Spanishy she looked? Idk, I definitely liked how off-white she was lol, compared to Michael and Brit. Good times, good times. So anyway, Ian goes to sit down next to Sofi and she pops a Mentos into his palm. I, ORIGINS SPONSORED BY MENTOS THIS BLOG POST SPONSORED BY MENTOS MICHAEL PITT'S FISH LIPS SPONSORED B Y MEN TO S. Can we talk about how she was eating fruity Mentos, which are disgusting, instead of just the minty peppermint kind which are less-so??? Who the fuck eats the fruity Mentos? They are super-gross?? I don't understand. Like, Sofi had A WHOLE BOWL of them shits in her apartment. In what fucking world??? But okaaaaaay. Sofi gets up from Ian after she pops the mentos into his palm and goes to stand by the door. He follows her and gets all creeper-close to her, then puts his headphones on her head. 

I would decapitate (!!!!foreshadowing alert!!!!!) the shit out of some nigga getting all close up on my back on public transpo and putting his ugly headphones on my head, playing his shitty, twinkly ass indie toonz. Get this post-Garden State bullshit the flip out of here. ugh. Sofi doesn't rip the headphones off, though. The train stops and she gets off and walks out and Ian trails behind her holding his CD player or whatever the fuck and they keep walking and then Sofi stops to turn around and kiss him and I think the whole sequence is timed to the music and i w a n t 2 f uc k ing d    i eee.

So they go to a diner to talk or whatever. Sofi tells Ian literally nothing. He asks her some shit; basically all I remember her telling him is that she lived in Argentina until she was 10 or 11 and then moved to France with her grandmother. She got weird when Ian tried to ask about her parents, and her job. OKAY, PROCEED TO RELATIONSHIP. I guess???? So there's like a montage of them making out and doing sex shit or whatever and I'm like siiiiiiiiigggggh. I think if this were a French film, I'd be more into it. But it's American and laaaaame, so next! At what point in the movie did Ian make that disgusting comment where he was like "you ever meet someone and feel like they filled a hole in your soul??" or some shit and then Token Asian was like "Wow, man, that was deep." EYEROLL. And omg I'm totally remembering he said that shit like the day after he met Sofi and he didn't even see her face and barely talked to her and didn't even get the bitch's name or gmail address LIKE PLEASE!! Why did I ignore so many redflags I am soo disappointed in myself for giving this movie so many chances. Why did it take me until like half an hour in to start making fun of it?? Like I'm so sad for the me that was trying to take this movie seriously, until I could no longer, and started yelling at the screen for every character to shut. the. fuck. up.

Somewhere in the middle of Sofi and Ian being deep in the honeymoon phase of their two week relationship, with Sofi trying to imply that Ian's lame, derpy ass has psychic sensibilities, Ian and lab partner Karen have been...doing some weird science shit, trying to fiiind...like some origin thing? Looking for a species of animal that can't see but has some phenotype blah blah science words I forgot. But they want to create an eye from scratch, which Ian believes will enable him to be able to create color-eye seeing for...lol the mice. Sigh, all this work to de-colorblind mice? Like, for what??? lol please.

Okay so fast-forward to Sofi and Ian going to get married even though probably Ian doesn't even know this bitch's last name, nor has he asked her why she has a bowl of fruity mentos sitting in her apartment - like, it was the centerpiece of that sad table she had in her place and it was like full of fruity mentos like i didn't see a single peppermint flavored stick in the bunch wtf is wrong with this ho how the fuck could you propose to her come on she's a serial killer. Can I drop mpdg? MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Like, Sofi is sooooo a mpdg. Am I not supposed to notice because she has an accent? lol okay, Mike Cahill, whatever you fucking saaaaayyyy. So, Sofi and Ian go down to the courthouse and this movie just keeps getting worse and fucking worse. Like, she's dancing around outside in some ~*~vintagey~*~ fucking wedding dress that looks like some old Victorian bitch would have been buried in. Or maybe her corpse would've been photographed in? But just so you know that Sofi is kewl and yewneek, she wears her spike-shouldered leather jacket over it. I want to be dead. The clerk at the courthouse tells Ian and Sofi they have to wait 24 hours before they can be married. Sofi is six years old and like jumps up and down, saying "We want to get married today!!" Like, okay, bitch, he said you have to wait 24 hours wtf. I guess it was obvious here that Sofi and Ian were never going to end up married, though how they ended up, I was not expecting lol. But before I giddily get into that mess, let's talk about how Karen calls Ian - oh, Karen is Brit Marling in glasses cuz scientist but hot lab partner but glasses so not 1st choice - up, really excited, cuz she found that thing they were looking for lol. Ian is super-excited, but I could tell right away Sofi was going to have an attitude about him wanting to get down to the lab immediately to check out Karen's discovery. She's like "on our wedding day"? He's like, "Technically, this isn't our wedding day. Also, technically, we already are married, spiritually". Okay, super-atheist supreme. Also, how are both of those things, technically, existing simultaneously??? Much scientist. 

Sofi looks like this^ at the lab. It was the realest moment--the only real moment, actually, in this pos. Like, Ian and Karen are being super-excited about their fucking worms and Sofi is just sitting there like "ooookaaaay tf???" Karen notices it's weird, and makes it more weird by being like "I'm going to go home and take a shower". Okay, & then what ;) I couldn't tell how I felt about Karen. She was obviously in love with Ian. But girl, you're cute. Focus your geeky hipster much scientist affections on someone else. Possibly that hot Token Asian in the office?? Like. But whatever. She leaves, then Ian has the audacity to get an attitude with Sofi being like "okay what is your problem??" But in a more sort of dweeby, chalk asian sort of way. Sofi is like, "You leave me every day to torture worms?" Boom, fucking roasted, tbh. Ian gets an attitude like IT'S MORE THAN TORTURING WORMS. Actually, I think he says they don't torture worms blah blah science for the greater good. He's really excited about the fact that he's giving sight to these worms. Sofi says some shit about how worms are blind and they have no concept of light, but if they're given sight, then they know light exists. She then painfully, imo, ties this to how it's possible some people, like Ian's worms, can gain an extra sense, and be made aware of a larger universe surrounding them. Btdubs, Sofi thinks she's like psychic or some shit, which is how this convo is horribly contrived. Also, I think I mentioned before, Ian is many atheists, fuck god and cosmic intervention praise Science!!! I thought Sofi was mad about Ian "torturing worms", but instead she uses him torturing worms to gaslight him into believing she can communicate with the other side??? Ohfuckingkaaaaay. They end up kissing, which, natch, ends up with Ian getting formaldehyde in his eyeballs and freaking out like a little bitch. GET THE YELLOW THING RINSE OUT MY EYES THEEYELLOW THIGN THR YEELELEOWOWO THINGG!! lol and Sofi was panicking like WHAT YELLOW THING WHERHEHEEHERE?!?!?! And then Ian just got frustrated and yelled for her to call Karen. Karen returns to the lab and helps Ian to rinse the formaldehyde from his eyelly balls. She bandages his eyes and decides he should be okay, and prob won't go blind. Lol I'm still laughing at that scene.

Ian and Sofi return to...I can't tell whose apartment building it was. Wasn't it Sofi's?? That's sort of important to know, as they get stuck in the elevator and Ian is like, "Call the landlord" and Sofi is like lol I don't have that nigga's number. Ian sighs and takes out his old-school mobile phone (was this part randomly set in like 2004??) and tells Sofi to call the landlord, it's under Landlord. Okay if u had his number the whole time why didn't you???? Also why does Sofi have to call - it's ur phone???? Anyway, his phone ends up being dead. (Foreshadowing?!?!?!) Something happens that causes Ian to start spazzing about how Sofi is a child living in her own fantasy world. This moment made me wonder if Sofi was made to be a mpdg on-purpose? But for what affect??? Also this moment made me realize their relationship wouldn't last. Like, how do you really recover from someone screaming at you--particularly a man yelling @ a woman that she is a child and nuts. Like, you can't maintain a relationship with someone who thinks like that about you, even if it's true, which it is. Fast-forward a few seconds to Sofi being decapitated by the fucking elevator. You know...I said...to myself aloud alone in the dark, I said to myself, "If she gets cut in half by this fucking elevator, I'm done". I said this because I didn't think it was actually going to happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DID?!?!?! What kind of. I think this was the point in the movie where I finally decided "fuck it, this is trash". lol HOW ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS TO A CHARACTER?!?!?! One good thing is that I thought it was genuinely an emotional moment with Michael Pitt fucking screaming when he realized what happened. Like, I had to turn away from the screen lol. But...this moment seems so...like out of place in this movie lol like wtf am I watching. I'm thinking this is some existential-y, lowkey sci-fi, try-hardy indie alt-romance thing. But then out of nowhere you have bitches getting decapitated by elevators like I'm watching The fucking Walking Dead or some shit. I've only seen the first season of that show, but probably tons of people/zombies get decapitated by all the non-working elevators, right?? Sure. 

Fast-forward to Ian grieving over the loss of Sofi, not returning Token Asian's calls, and not going into work. At some point Karen calls him like "Can I come over?" and Ian says no but then Karen says she has something that's going to really take his breath away. Is it your hipster sciencey vagina, K-dog??? Karen shows up to make some embarrassing speech about how maybe the eyes are the window to the soul like she was the first bitch to ever think of that. Though, I guess the scene is supposed to be colored by the fact that they're scientists and shouldn't believe in souls??? But like Karen is so ~*~open-minded~*~~ that she can be a scientist and a looney toon. Which makes her 1000% better than Sofi, who was just a looney toon, without the benefit of being a hip-alt scientist with cool, but lowkey, tortoise shell frame eyeglasses that prob don't even have a prescription in them but lol okay carry on. So Karen is consoling Ian and telling him that he needs to get back in the lab. Okay, cool, you're a good friend. Then she ends up kissing him??????? In what world is it not sleazy to start making out with a dude whose fiancé just two seconds ago got cut in half by a fucking elevator??? And also partly it was his fault??? In what world is this not gross?????? 

FAST-FORWARD EIGHT YEARS to Ian being an acclaimed scientist doctor guy known for being obsessed with eyeballs and anti-obsessed with believing in God. It's good that...he's still out here preaching that SCIENCE OVER EVERYTHING rhetoric. It's so odd to me that...a scientist would care so much about disproving the existence of God. I would think a scientist would just automatically think they were the rightest, and not even entertain ~silly notions~ such as religion, or people believing in it. Like, you're busy doing scientific research, trying to prove your own theories. In what world would a scientist have the time, or the cares, to be bothering trying to shout down other people's beliefs??? So bizarre.

The eight years fast-forward opens on Ian being a guest on some talk show, discussing his book about eyes and how God doesn't exist, and also I think he invented that eye scanner thing. I'm still so confused as to what Ian actually did that made him famous. Did he end up giving mice eye color? Did he invent that scanner, or did he just have one in the lab?? Okay, let's talk about Karen being pregnant so I can skip to when he was giving that bitch an attitude at the hospital when she was scanning his son's eyes. SO KAREN IS PREGNANT. Obviously, eight years later, this ho and him are together. And having a child. We know this because the director made sure to focus in on Karen's protruding belly, as if we wouldn't have been able to casually surmise this for ourselves, just from a quick glance in her direction. I...didn't need an extreme close-up, but okaaaay. 

After Ian's television appearance, he, Karen, and Token Asian go to a restaurant, I guess, to celebrate? What exactly? Something...Ian did????? A waitress comes up to their table. This is the first black in the movie, right? I'm black, so I'm always looking for other blacks. They barely show this bitch's face. Ian has this totally unnecessary disgusted reaction to her presence lol. He's like "what is that smell??? I think it's your perfume". Like, his tone was so full of vitriol and vomit and omg who acts like this? Ian asks the waitress what sort of perfume she's wearing. She says some French shit like Tremè or some shit. I'm guessing Sofi wore this? Anyway, can we talk about how Token Asian and Karen act like Ian was flirting with the waitress?? He could not have been more rude. How is that flirting??? I guess white people flirting??? Tf. 

Back at home, Ian is masturbating to old videos and pics of Sofi, naturally. I really wanted Karen to walk in on him. Be careful what you wish for, because she did. He like, slams his computer down. She's all weird like, "Don't stop, I want to know what turns you on". KILLLLLLLLL MEEEEE. She opens up the laptop screen to see ~what turns Ian on~. It's old videos of his fucking dead girlfriend. Cool!! Karen reacts like...shocked. lol, please. Then she says how...idk...I think she implies she's grateful she called Ian on his supposed wedding day to come into the lab, or else Sofi would have never ended up getting decapitated??? Then Ian adds something more horrible, saying how that night in the elevator he was thinking "Am I going to be stuck with this child for the rest of my life?" Um, no, she could have not gotten decapitated by an elevator and you two could have gone your separate ways, non-decapitated style. Eyeroll @ Ian and Karen - they're gross. 

Karen has her stupid baby. At the hospital, some nurse technician or some shit says she wants to scan their baby's eyes. She proceeds to try to explain the process, but Ian is getting snippy like, "Yeah, I know, we have one in our lab". Lol, okay, slow your roll, pony boy. This bitch does not know you're a scientist - chilllllll. Something weird happens with the eye scanner. A black man's face pops up on the computer after the nurse chick scans their kid's eyes. Paul Edgar Dairy, I think. Everyone has a good chuckle about this error in the system. These two fucking idiots name their kid Tobias. Fast-forward to Ian getting a call from some science bitch from Yale? Some weird shit turned up in Tobias' urine that suggests he might have autism - they want to run tests on him. I thought it was weird how somber the woman was on the phone. Like, it's not leukemia. I know autism isn't, like, cool to have, but he's not going to die from it, right? Also I felt confused on why they wanted to run tests on this baby. First of all, you can't cure autism, right? Like, if he has it, he has it. It's too late to do anything about it now that he's born... I was really, really confused about everything happening with the kid. Whatever, they bring him down to the Yale scientists so they can perform some Clockwork Orange-lite tests on him, securing him in this weird white room while they ran two large images up on a wall side-by-side. The Yale bitch explains they're testing his eye moments. SCIENCY SCIENTISTS, Ian and Karen, are asking questions concerning how these tests are relevant to determining autism, being very skeptical of the whole process. They finally pull Tobias from the situation when he starts crying after seeing a picture of a black woman. This movie is tone deaf as fuck lol, like. 

Back at home, the SCIENCEY SCIENTISTS, are trying to figure out what the tests were about that the Yale bitch was tryna do on their baby. One of the pics Tobias was shown, was of a diner in Idaho. Karen looks it up online and discovers the diner actually exists. SO NATURALLY, Ian immediately hops on a plane to Idaho. To visit the diner?? Because??? When he gets to the diner, he asks a waitress working there if there are any ~*~cool~*~ places to hang around at??? The waitress chuckles that no, there wasn't really, because he was in bumfuck, nowhere. Then she made a joke like "Unless you wanna go visit the cows down at the barn??" KILL ME. One of the other pics Tobias was shown was of, u guessed, that barn. I want to die. Ian goes to the barn, but is stopped in the road by cows crossing. Some black woman is guiding them. Ian asks her if she knows Paul Edgar Dairy. She says, yes, he was her father. The look on her face suggested she was one of MLK Jr.'s kids, and Ian had asked about MLK Jr. BUT OKAY. The woman explains her dad was famous for being the only black farmer in, I guess, all of the midwest?? Ian is an idiot and keeps asking to see this nigga when it's clear he's deceased??? That black woman that caused Tobias to cry shows up. I guess she was PED's wife?? Please fucking end my life.

Back at home, with this new information that explains literally zero things, Ian and Karen are trying to piece together *~~what this all means~*~, with the help of Token Asian, who conveniently works at the eye scanning center, I guess? Idk, he has access to the database. This is where I got really confused. 1. what are they exactly looking for at this point in the movie? I guess they're trying to figure out what the autism eye test was about? OHH. Maybe they realized it wasn't about autism. They were testing...OOOOHHH okay. Because now I'm remembering the test Ian gives Salomina at the end of the film, which was similar to the test Tobias was given. So these eye-scanner people are lying about something? Are they reincarnating people?? I'm confused how Tobias has Paul Edgar Dairy's eyes? Like, what are they doing with people's bodies when they die?? Whatever, them searching in the database for "matches" (??) leads to them looking up Sofi's eyes, which show they were scanned three months ago in India. QQ: Why would Sofi's eyes be scanned? And why would they even think to look her up? Didn't she die before the scanner came into existence??? Admittedly, I have no idea how the eye-scanner even came to be, so I don't know when it was invented. Like, for real I thought Ian invented it, but I'm like 94% sure now that he didn't, so sigh idk. Fast-forward to Ian going to India to look for "Sofi". Or, her eyes, at least. 

Initially, Ian didn't want to go. Blah blah grief. Also, Sofi's dead, so wtf is he going to find?? Karen is like UR A WIZARD, HARRY. Ian agrees, and decides to go. He goes to the eye scanning center in India, and asks some community worker, played by Archie Panjabi, if she's seen Sofi's eyeballs anywhere around. Archie is uncomfortable like "...who's asking?" She says she's seen the eyes, but not the white part surrounding it. The face surrounding the eyes she knows belongs to some young Indian girl. Ian wants to know her whereabouts. Archie is sort of put-off by his white tourist aesthetic, but consents to assisting him, saying she hasn't seen the girl in months. She proceeds to help him look for her, probably more concerned with finding the girl to help her, more than this random white dude carrying around pictures of eyeballs. Ian is frustrated with his search pretty immediately, as 1 million people live in the 30 block radius he plans to search. Karen encourages him to stay and keep looking. Ian decides to take out a billboard ad.

Which seems like a super-dumb way to go about this. If I saw my eyeballs up there, I would never call, because how creepy. Though, Ian notes he expects at least someone who has seen/or knows the girl, to see the billboard and ring him. But why??? Mostly he gets calls from people lying, or trying to sell their nieces, which is exactly the kind of calls you'd expect from this sort of thing that apparently cost like $200,000 is Ian a fucking idiot. No, he's A SCIENTIST! 

At some point in his search, Ian takes time out to talk to beautiful Archie Panjabi, whom I wanted way more screentime from. Like I was thristing so hard I started shipping her with Ian. Horrible, miserable Ian. Why would I wish that on her?? smh. Their conversation is like conversations he had with Sofi about how Ian needed to broaden his mind, to accept that there may be a higher way of thinking that he isn't privy to, but could be if he stopped being such a pretentious, know-it-all dick. Archie's speech is basically Sofi's worm speech, but less mpdg. Like, I trust her more because she's Indian and references the Dalai Lama, and I can sense that Ian does, too. I don't want to ever be on the same page as Ian. Pretty soon after this, very close to giving up, and being pressured by Karen to come home, Ian spots some little girl in the town square staring up at the billboard. I hate the five-minute long camera wrap-around device used to take all day showing us the girl's face. SO. ANNOYING. But, finally, they let us see her.

And she doesn't even have the same eyes as Sofi???????????????????????? This girl's eyes looked completely gray, whereas Sofi's had that green and amber shit mixed in with hers. Okay but then Ian photographs the girl's eyes later and they photograph like Sofi's??? This movie was fucking reaching. LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW IAN JUST TAKES THIS BITCH TO HIS HOTEL ROOM AND SHE JUST GOES WITH HIM NO QUESTIONS ASKED?!?!?!?! He's like "Are you hungry?", like no child abductor has ever asked before. You've got to be kidding me with this shit. YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS BITCH IS JUST GOING TO FOLLOW THIS STRANGE MAN WITHOUT BEING LIKE "UM WTF??" NOT EVEN ONCE?? Is Ian just so fucking trustable because of his alt-science glasses and pure, innocent, angel-esque white skin? Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar, pleaaaaasseee. 

Would you go with this strange-looking man to his hotel room???? Hm?????

Back at the hotel room, Ian jumps right into testing the little girl, named Salomina. Like, he doesn't even explain to her what's going on. How insensitive, and way to make her feel really scared and uncomfortable. I hated this whole scene because he's showing her the pics and at first she's picking the "right" answers, but then she's picking the "wrong" ones and Ian keeps going "incorrect" and you could tell the girl is like "shit, I'm fucking up i'm fucking upshtiit". And she looks all nervous and scared and neither he nor Karen are doing anything to console her???? Like this made me sooooo fucking mad. But let's just talk about how Salomina was the true star of the film and at least I got to watch her for a few minutes, mostly feeling uncomfortable and/or crying, but it's something sigh. 

Salomina gets a lot "incorrect", but gets her last question, which seemed to be the most important one, "correct". Karen says her score is 44%, just a touch above random. Ian is disappointed, but I don't see how this proves or disproves anything??? The test itself is random. Whatever, Ian takes the girl out of his hotel room and they're about to get on the elevator and she starts freaking out and crying. I thought she was worried about going back out into the streets but then I clued the fuck in late as hell like "OOOH CUZ SOFI GOT DECAPITATED BY THAT ELEVATOR HAHA I'M A GENIUS I FIGURED IT OUT" -_-

The movie ends with Ian carrying Salomina in his arms down the stairs of the hotel, where they are going to meet - thank god - Archie Panjabi outside. The end. What?? What did I just watch? Did...did Ian have any plans once he found Sofi's eyeballs? What's going to happen to Salomina? Is he going to adopt her so he can reinstate his relationship with Sofi? Now that's the horrible fucking movie that should've been made. If you're going to make a piece of shit, trash ass mess of nothing, go all. the fucking. way. in. Don't hesitate, don't be afraid. Shit completely all over everything and everyone. I, Origins tried to be good, and thought it was, which was its failing. There's no way you wrote out this script and were like "aha! masterpiece!". The movie was ludicrous and incompetent from start to finish. Don't ever make the mistake of trying to make a good film, especially not if the plot heavily concerns people sitting around talking about blind worms and mice for significant stretches of time. Give up. Make a movie about a man falling in love with a little girl because he thinks she has the soul of a past-lover. Yes, that movie was already sort of made with Nicole Kidman rocking that terrible pixie cut, but since when has the movie industry ever shied away from exactly copying and rehashing shit that has already been done?? Just change the soundtrack.