Anyway! The "bitch" this time refers to Hayden Panetierre!
My queen. Originially the pic^ also included Connie Britton's blank ass, but I cropped her out. To throw her a bone, I left in some of her elbow.
Nashville is one of my current favorite TV shows, but I hate it a whole lot. It rivals Degrassi with being real real ridiculous and bad all the time always. But Degrassi isn't, to my knowledge, trying to be a good show. It's an institution, and most things get to institution level by being mediocre as fuck. Not too good to be afraid of going on too long, and not too terrible that this shit is canceled just so we don't accidentally become a third world country as a result of it's persistent existence. It's why things like Two and a Half Men have to call it quits eventually. At a certain point, you start getting really concerned we're going to be Africa soon. Like, Angus T. Jones is making fun of how lame Jon Cryer is for 100 years straight and all of a sudden everyone in America is living in mud huts and only ever are wearing those sandals you can buy at Pathmark. And, like, there's only Pathmarks.
Anyway, Nashville is terrible. Not 2.5 Men terrible, but...close. And it's so totally embarrassing because I feel like maybe a lot of people involved in making this show thinks it's....nowhere near 2.5 Men levels of please stop?!?!? But, oh ho ho ho, it is. And I'm really bothered by how not self-aware they are about the badness, especially considering some of the people involved apparently read comments from viewers online about all the badness?? And if that's true, hmmmmm. Because a lot of criticism I've read about Nashville online is entirely accurate. It's not just people complaining about random things like "Where are the Asians in Tennessee????" or ""What's up with the jean shirts????". It's people who watch the show, and want to love it, but can't, because there's all this ridiculous not-goodness getting in the way. And it seems a lot of fans* of the show are irritated by the fact that Nashville has so much potential and if the creators just fixed a few thousand things it'd be perfect!
Now it's my turn! lol seriously if creators actually read online stuff they probably take a defensive stance. Like, oh, you don't like Luke and Rayna together and their nickname Ruke? OKAY, WE'LL CHANGE THE COUPLE NAME TO LAYNA, HOW ABOUT THAT?! Like, they make passive aggressive changes, instead of just making changes that actually improve the show. Oh, everyone sort of hates Scarlett: ADDICTED TO PILLS AND MAYBE HER MOM IS JOAN CRAWFORD, HOW ABOUT THAT?! HAPPY?! No one liked Megan: SHE'S FORCED TO HAVE SEX SCENES WITH TEDDY NOW, SATISFIED?! Um, no, Nashville, because also we all hate Teddy. So, okay, Megan gets kicked off the show. Coolcoolcool...but a good thing that came from all that terribleness was that it actually gave Teddy, apparently a mainstay to you idiots, an interesting fucking storyline. BUT, NO, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. GET RID OF THE ONLY MAYBE ASIAN WITHIN A 100 MILE RADIUS ASAP. What is wrong with you, Nashville? You can't fucking do anything right.
Okay, no. You can do some things right, and I will talk about those briefly before I gleefully jump into all the things you fuck up constantly.
THE GOOD
I've been watching this show since it premiered. So, like, almost three years, right? It doesn't even seem like the show has been on that long, and I'm amazed every day that it still is. One thing that I have always loved about the show has been Hayden/Juliette. She's just been killing it since day one and I have no ocmplaints about anything. Well, not in the performance. Sometimes Juliette gets stupid bullshit storylines: like fucking Jeff (blech), Derek Hough (????), stalking Avery (????????????????), but she still gets a ton of screen time, so I'm not fucking complaining, and hopefully the show will finally get smart and just rename itself JULIETTE (and Avery) and all will be good and right in the world. IN SHORT: WAY MORE JULIETTE, WAY LESS EVERYONE ELSE. And give her more song time, she's a good performer and I love when she pulls a heartbreaker like when she performed "Crazy" this season and had me all in my fucking feelings - MORE THAT, THANK YOU.
Jeff. Look, Jeff is the worst. But in soap opera world, that translates to him being the best. Well, no, Juliette is the best, but Jeff is a great ~villian~. And Oliver Hudson's smarmy-ish face is perfect for this sort of character. I love any Jeff scene, he's so fucking gross and it's just played so well. Like, this actor seems to be having fun. He also seems to be aware of the embarrassing corniness of the show, something way more people involved need to get fucking hip to. And I am SO EXCITED for whatever he has up his sleeve for Maddie and the other one, Teddy's dumb ass, and a possibly dead Layla. So amped. omg did I just type I was so amped? Oh boy
Will Lexington. Am I so over the closeted gay storyline? Answer: when the fuck have I ever been into it? I try to make excuses for this shit. Like, oh...this is...country music, so....I guess this makes sense. Not that the rest of the country is so much more progressive or anything, this just isn't 1952. Like, you're not Rock Hudson. And coming out as gay is not going to ruin you. If anything, being gay would make you an even bigger star, and it's dumb as hell that like no one acknowledges this. As far as I know, which is basically nothing, it does not seem there are any out gay country music stars. Why can't Will look at it as: I'll be the Neil Armstrong of Darius Ruckers??? Ugh, whatever. Besides my supreme hate for Will's entire storyline, I love him. Which, really, defies all reason. Seriously, I hate everything Nashville has him doing. But, somehow, Chris Carmack has managed to make me care about him as a character. When he first came on the scene I was like: EYEROLL. Like how I am with any new arrival who isn't a part of the original cast: or, whoever wasn't in the first fucking episode. But once I realized The Cowboy was gay I was like: HMM, OKAY. Then they made me immediately sad by having him be sort of a homophobe and deep as fuck in his walk-in closet, but by that time I was already devoted to Will as a character. Hate you, Nashy.
THE BAD
Okay, enough of all that positive shit. Time to go in!!!! Time to turn up!!!!!!
RAYNA. Hey, the unofficial ~protagonist~ of the show FUCKING SUCKS. First, Connie Britton. Where is this AMAZING ACTRESS I've been hearing so much fucking shit about??? I swear to god, before I watched this mess, all I ever heard about the Conster is that she's basically Cate Blanchett, but TV. UH, I DON'T THINK SO, MA'AM. The only other thing I've seen this wad of gum stuck under a desk in was American Horror Story: Murder House, and everyone knows that was all Jessica and Evan's show. I don't even remember what Connie's purpose in that shit was. I think...she gave birth??? Coolcool. Here, I also don't know what her purpose is. She's like a cipher, and it's awkward. We're...supposed to care about her, right? But there's nothing to care about. Like, what's going on in this bitch's innerlife? You're giving me zero, Connie and Nashville. Nothing to work with at all. Which makes the END GAME ~eternal love~ vomstory concerning her and Deacon silly at best. And I like Deacon, but you make me not like him as much as I can by being his object of affection. I'm like, and I'm sure a bunch of other people are like, Why is he so obsessed with her? It can't just be the hair. Oh my god, is it just the hair? AND SHE CAN'T SING. Come on, who made the decision to cast this bitch? You wanted Faith Hill, I guess. A Faith Hill type, for some reason. And I guess you looked at Connie B like: tall, she can do an accent, yess!!!! NO. And why did you even want a Faith Hill? She seems boring as fuck, and if she is anything like Rayna in real life, she is boring as fuck. I don't get it. Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, shit Miranda Lambert, all these country bitches are way more interesting-seeming and this is who, if you were looking to ape the story of a country music legend, you should have modeled a character after. Nonsense.
Scarlett anytime she's saying lines that are not sung in a song with another person, particularly Gunnar, or Deacon. Speaking of modeling characters after actually interesting people, Scarlett is, apparently, supposed to be modeled after Dolly or Loretta. Or both? NEITHER. She sucks. And I was a Scarlett apologist for fucking ever because she sung that beautiful duet with Gunnar in the first ep and I was here for her immediately. Then the show promptly proceeded to destroy all the goodwill that performance garnered with a fucking quickness, and they haven't let up since. Recently, Scarlett was involved in a horrid, cringe-stroke inducing ~Magical Negro~ storyline. Or a reverse one, maybe, as Scarlett ends up helping him. I guess he's supposed to be helping her get over her stage fright, but in the end Scarlett ends up defeating the fear herself. She looks over at the magical negro homeless bum drinking in the street and then is like: *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME! So, even more offensive than the typical magical negro storyline, in that the magical negro in this scenario serves as an example of what not to do. Who not to listen to. Terrible. AND WHY IS HER HAIR STILL BAD. WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THOSE SHITTY ROPEY ASS, STRINGY ASS, TRASH ASS FUCKING EXTENSIONS?? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, NASHVILLE?? Does she have gross hair on purpose? Is this Clare Bowen's real-life hair that she refuses to take off for filming?? WHAT IS THIS SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?! It's almost as bad as Glenn's fucking hair hat. Why, Nashville, did we get only two glorious seconds of Glenn in all his bald naked beauty, only to have you rip that away from us seemingly forever?? I feel like you teased us with that just so we'd get pissed off. Just so the next time Glenn showed up onscreen we'd scream WHY IS HIS HAIR THING BACK?!?! Hate you, Nashy: Part II.
Teddy, of course. Does anyone who watches this show care about Teddy? No, seriously, is there anyone out there who like, gets excited for Teddy scenes? Like, besides the actor's mom. Oh, she's dead? Then, okay, we're back to square one. Or...not even square one, because I already had said besides his mom, so. You know, I don't even hate Teddy as much as I feel like I should, or want to. I think...I don't hate Teddy as much as I find him the dumbest fucking idiot who has ever lived, and every time he shows up I'm like: SIGH AT YOUR LIFE, TEDDY. He's like Jon from Garfield transplanted into the ~sexy~ and ~glamorous~ world of Country Music. He gets to do sex, and he gets to be Mayor. But, he's still Jon from Garfield. And Jon would totally be the type to fall in love with a fucking prositute. And not even a Julia Roberts-type prostitute. This bitch looks like a housewife who idolizes Lisa Rinna or some shit. SIGH AT YOUR LIFE, TEDDY. And now he's going to be involved in some messy shit with Jeff that will ultimately end in Teddy not dying. Sigh at my life now.
Gunnar, and anyone in his orbit. I liked Gunnar for 2.2 seconds. Probably never, actually. If I really think about it. He's so...try-hard. Ugh. Just, his hair, and...his...personality and life and just ughblechblugh. The fact that he proposed to Scarlett and then like three seconds later was loved up with her supposed best friend 4ever?? Okay, I guess. And really, ever since he and Scarlett split, Gunnar has been entirely insignificant. Like, for real. The show tried to make him relevant again recently with this bullshit kid storyline. And I want to feel like it's over and we'll never see that annoying ass kid again, but because he's Gunnar's dumb dead bro's demon spawn, I bet that little piece of shit will be back. Hopefully, though, someone else rendered wholly annoying just by being associated with Gunnar, Zoey, will be gone forever. Like, you can't become relevant being hitched to a character who also isn't, you know? Maybe if you'd come through as...I don't know, Juliette's...mom's...old girlfriend from...rehab? Then, maybe you would have had a chance. I'm going to ignore the fact that the show tried to force you down our throats for nearly two whole seasons. You better be fucking gone for good. And while the show is up to getting rid of dead weight, take out Gunnar. He might...I think I just realized Gunnar is possibly more unnecessary than Teddy. Wow. Ouch. Leave.
Speaking of "leave": basically all ~secondary characters~, which, really, is everyone but Juliette. Who's the new one, what's her name, played by Laura Benanti? Look, I'm always here for a storyline about domestic abuse, but...why can't this be happening to a character from the main cast? They could've done this with Ruke! Could've really given that cringey ass relationship some gravitas! Could've made me care about Rayna, finally! Why give someone nobody cares about a juicy storyline? Who the fuck works on this show? Did you just shout from the window to people on the street: "Hey, you, drinking a Mountain Dew Code Red from the can, wanna come in and write for this show? Yeah? Okay, bring the imaginary friend you appear to be getting into a shouting match with. We'll take all the help we can get!!" This also seems to be how...maybe, they showrun??? It's just like this random grabbing at anything. Shoving your hand into the dark and just going with whatever you pull out?? I DON'T KNOW! But I don't understand the logic of introducing all these random new characters when you haven't even figured out what the fuck to do with the full-time cast. And no, you don't "fix" a main character by throwing a whole another new character at them. Are you an idiot, Nashville? You have to develop characters. How does it make sense to be like...hmm can't figure out Main Character so...let's toss this Newborn Thing at them that we'll also have to figure out....eventually. So...more work for us? That we ultimately won't do. Like, we'll just kill someone off or maybe have someone fake a miscarriage with pigs blood?? Whatever, where is my mountain dew code red in a can?
And then some things are neither good nor bad, they're the ugly gunk in between. The murky grey stuff where you're like "Is this Lyme disease?"
THE UGLY
Ruke. I don't want to pretend that I wasn't sort of entirely amused by this spectacle of a relationship. I actually wanted these two idiots to get married, because the prospect of them just being legally bound to each other was making me laugh my fucking ass off. Rayna so clearly despised Luke I don't honestly have any idea how they got this far. And now I fucking like Luke. This stupid show kept him around so long that I went from being like "...Why is he here?" to "Wow, I sort of feel bad for this dude". NO. I AM UPSET BY THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT IN MYSELF. And I'm excited about Luke sticking around. My one gripe is that I was really expecting Luke to come out with some crazy anger issue stuff. All over Rayna's face, perhaps? But maybe that'll be part of the second half of this season. I'm feeling a little wheels up (ugh). I'm so tired with myself for liking Luke now. But at least it gives me more reason to hate Rayna, which has become my fave pastime. Howdoyoukillyourself.com/whatifijustatetoomanycarrots?
Layla. [audience laughter] I.................I... Just, her beanie alone. And then, like, everything else. Oh my god, all that shit with the reality show and how they tried to force a Newlyweds comparison when Newlyweds was actually vaguely amusing, but Will and Layla were trying way too hard and it was just depressing and there's no way I believe their shitty country ass little reality show is a success, especially if they're faking it as hard they appeared to be. God, just. Ugh. And Layla deferred Harvard? YEAH, RIGHT. I mean, yeah, it happened. But, again, YEAH, RIGHT. You're Teddy-dumb. Stop frontin'. But, you know, that idiot is the fucking mayor. Of Nashville, but still. So I guess it takes all kinds. (This makes no sense. I deferred Harvard!). And, ugh, her thing with Jeff. And how she ended up face-down in the pool. Or, wait, was that because of her bearding for a dude who apparently will have sex with women, just not you, girl? Or, was it both of those things? Was she face-down with her Santa hat still on? Because if yes: hah. I read something funny where someone compared Layla/Aubrey Peeple's acting at one point to a high school staging of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and I just got all of my laughs. This basically just sums up Layla entirely (Aubrey Peeples?). You're trying hard, but it's goofy. It never won't be. But maybe, if she survives drowning in her stupid sorrows, the show will keep up with her acoustic beanie shit. The one thing this show has going for it is taking cheesy shit and throwing an acoustic guitar at it and - blammy! Not as cheesy anymore. But they need to be careful about doing that too much. They almost tipped the scales when Jeff pulled out a guitar [audience laughter]. At least he didn't sing. [audience laughter dying down because secretly they wanted him to]
Tandy. Cool haircut? Or did that happen in seasozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................(this is me flatlinining after falling into a coma)
In short: If this show can kill off Powers Boothe, they can kill off literally everyone else. Besides Juliette, and Avery by proxy. BUT, if you're not going to be Tahj Mowry in Smart Guy, then at least listen to all the griping from the fans and change literally everything about this show. Like, everything. But if you give Deacon AIDS I'll forgive you for all your very many mistakes and won't care if you give Connie Britton more songs to do. AIDS is forever dong. In that, it lasts forever, and I want to fuck it as a storyline. (???)
*an asterik. To indicate terms and conditions.
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