Hot Mess Express, Next Stop: Maps to the Stars (2014)

ugh

Um. 

I...idk. 

I almost made this a Masterpiece of Shit Theater episode, but...there was something very not masterpiece about how shitty this movie was. Hence the new category: Hot Mess Express ugh kill me die. Also, the movie wasn't...as shitty as it could be, despite an actual character setting themself on fire and it looked as fake as that CGI in Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. There were also at least two Degrassi cast members here and...like...like I don't like seeing "actors" from Degrassi in real movies because it's like real world human beings acknowledging that show as something legitimate, which it very much is not. If Degrassi is on your resume, you don't have a resume as far as I'm concerned no shade I love you Degrassi but you're terrible let's keep it 100%. 

AlsoAlso! This movie was too fucking Canadian for my tastes. Like, it was supposed to be about Hollywood and all that bullshit, right? Which is very ~American EAGLE SOUNDS REGANOMICS UNITED STATES~~. However, this movie was just...so not Americany. First of all, a lot of the actors were not American. Like out of everyone, only Julianne Moore and John Cusack--who looks Canadian or like an Asian doing Michael Myers cosplay--were American? And then you have Mia Wasikowska doing her ~ameRican ACCent~ sounding very like posh Valley Girl? What is that? I mean, I guess?? Maybe the Weiss fam was supposed to be Canadian? Because like Benjie was modeled after Justin Bieber, right? Fine, but ugh. Fine. The Weiss family can be expats because Hollywood is full of them and I guess that's very. But miss me with the name Havana Segrand. Like, that's so Canadian. American movie stars have like okie doke ass names. Brad, Ben, George. Wait those are all dudes. Who's a woman star? Angelina Jolie. Hmmm okay that's...sort of French. Angelina's excused tho cuz she's Hollywood royalty and of course she wouldn't have a proper name! Oh...wait...so was Havana...I guess...what with her mom being like some indie acting legend or whatever bullshit. Okay, so, I guess. But okay why was her ~rival~ named Starla Gent? And she looked so...so Canadian and redheaded gah idk everything just seemed so off. Like Bizarro World America, which is how all Canadian productions seem and I could just tell this was made by a Canadian okay and it was just fucking off. But maybe that was the point? Don't ever have that be the point. 

This movie was a fucking mess from beginning to end. I enjoyed some aspects, though. Like, I thought there were some legit funny moments. Like Benjie calling that little kid actor a "piece of shit". Benjie in general was sort of really killing me in a mostly good way? S I GH. Also I died screaming when Stafford started punching his daughter in the gut. WHO...WHO DOES THAT?! HE JUST STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH I'M SCREEEEAAAMINNNNG. I thought it was very white people and Hollywood of Stafford and Christina the way they reacted to their daughter. Christina being "scared" of Agatha? Lol um. Okay, yeah, she set the house on fire. But she was eleven. And deranged. Like, I get being afraid, but she was also a kid and also your daughter and like who just sends their kid off to a mental asylum and never visits them wtf?? Or did they feel guilty about Agatha being a product of incest and...like just didn't want those bad vibes around messing up their...neat little situation? Also, what was up with the incest stuff?? I love incest stuff (sometimes), but here it was weird. Like it was called out in the movie "Oh, incest is so tired!", but then...there were like threads of it all over the actual film??? And yeah, you're right, it is tired. Nothing new was being done here so...like was it a satire about...incest themes or?? I felt like Cronenberg was trying to do something....wait - was he implying...Hollywood is the way it is because...everyone's...in some way a product or victim of incest? Lol, sure. Fine. I'll buy it. 

I sort of loved Julianne Moore here, I think. I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but lowkey I feel like she should've won the Oscar for this mess instead of that. Like, she was doing everything, and it was sort of amazing. She played Havana sort of like if Lindsay Lohan lives past forty. Though, Havana seems to have slightly more clout than Lindsay. Like, she's getting auditions and getting considered for things, at least. And she doesn't seem to be a crackhead. I mean, in spirit, yes, but never once in the movie does she inhale crack drugs. I think. Does she? No, right? Probably coke at least. And like diarrhea tablets from Whole Foods? What are...diarrhea tablets, sweetie :)?

I liked Mia, too. I mean, I always do, I think. She's intriguing. I'm confused about everything concerning her character, though. First of all, why was everyone acting like she was some psycho insane burned up ass freak? Like, she was, but not to the extent everyone was acting? Like her burns weren't even that bad? I would just mistake it for bad skin? But the dude on the set of that sci-fi show is like GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR UGLY ALIEN MAKEUP. lol, please and no. And then Havana asks Robert Pattinson's skull what's in it for him, romancing Agatha? And it's like...um, sex and she's cute? Like??? She's not fucking Rocky Dennis - what is everyone's damage? 

Okay and like what was that shit with her brother? Was she in love with him? And what was that chant thing they kept saying? And what was the whole tie-in when they got "married" at the end? And there was like a "map" to the stars HAHA GET IT. No, seriously, what was the entire actual fucking point of this movie? Clearly, many things went over my head. Do you think if I tweeted at Carrie Fisher and asked her "wtf??" she'd explain things? I don't want her to like...invite me to her house, though. What if she plays me "Hearts and Bones" and explains in a "comical" and "poetic" way about how Paul Simon wouldn't let her do anal on him? Sigh, I think...I'll...just go to my grave not knowing (or, caring, really) wtf this movie was trying to say. I'm good.

Baby the Rain Must Fall (1965)

What is this^ poster? "Don't call him no damn good...not in front of her!" Welp, you know what - he isn't no damn good! Wait, no - double negatives, even in country-speak. He sucks. Who is the "he" I am referring to, tho? Who is the poster referring to? Steve McQueen, or the dumb ass fake-ass Elvis, fake-ass JCash, fake-ass Paul Newman, fake-ass James Dean character he was playing, Henry Thomas? Or maybe his name was Cal, or maybe it was Hud, or, idk nigga - Cool Hand Luke, perchance?? Wow this movie was really lame, like, if you consider just the script. It was very copycat of other way better, or at least more interesting, movies/plays. But then you throw copycat ass Steve McQueen on top and I'm just like siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. If you're going to give me reheated leftovers, at least give me an intriguing lead. And, ugh, isn't the lead in this movie lowkey supposed to be Lee Remick's character? Buttttt there's like so much focus on McQueen's character and his mommy issues or whatever and his shitty songs. Wow, everything was so terrible lol

So I guess I really hate Steve McQueen? Because this movie was really mediocre, but I've seen like 12,000 versions of it with like Joan Crawford and I don't even care about mediocrity when Joan Crawford and her fucking eyebrows are around tearing shit up. And I wouldn't even hate this particular movie if Steve McQueen was played by literally maybe anyone else?? The whole time I'm just waiting for James Dean to crawl out of some hole, or Paul Newman to pop up with his pinky ring wearing some little jacket thing. Why is Paul Newman wearing a jacket thing? I don't really fucking know, but I've definitely just inspired myself to go look up that one pic of him I really love above all the many pics of Paul Newman I love. 

YES! this one ugh lol what am I doing and why is this my favorite pic of him when pics like

^this exist??? Idk but that cigarette in the mouth with the popped little fur-ish collar is how Paul Newman materializes in my brain whenever I think of him. Which is a lot, because I'm cool like that. It's weird how I've never bought any of his salad dressings. And I eat salads! Sometimes!! And I think proceeds from the salad dressings go to charity or some shit! Maybe to onion-headed cancer kids! Why am I...like this??

Hmmm, I think I have an attitude about Steve McQueen because I felt like he tried to dethrone Newman? And he's nowhere even remotely close to him talent-wise?? Like, is McQueen a loon??? But maybe I'm being a little bit unfair dismissing him so thoroughly. Because I can't really recall too many fucking movies I've seen him in besides this one I'm talking about today and, like, The Towering Fucking Inferno - which, just no. Also I tried to watch The Thomas Crown Affair once, but twenty minutes in...I wanted to be detonated, shot from a cannon ball, granulated, killed like an animal, decapitated, hit like a baseball, emancipated, etcetc. Ya know? Like, what's...with all the shit? lol So, I don't actually even really know if this McQueen pal is talented or not, but judging from his performance in this Baby the Rain Must Fall hack ass bullshit, I would say he should take his ass back to Stella Adler's or wherever the fuck, because the nigga needs more work. 

SO I hate Steve McQueen and everything he stands for. lol, no, I hated him in this movie tho. I was just...irritated. But I liked some things about the movie. So I'll talk about that in an effort to be less negative so all the cancers laying low in my body don't get confident and try to metastasize. lol who am I kidding, only living beings can get cancer. Not one hundred year old exhumed corpses :) I'm a mummy :) 

-I liked Lee Remick. I always like her. Though I can't tell if it's because she's talented, or I just really love her face. She's one of those. Ugh there are so many actors that I can't tell if they're legit good or I just like looking at their eyeballs. Or their noses. Or their hands. Like, I think I almost entirely love Jeremy Renner because of his hands. NO, HE'S TALENTED AND I CAN TELL AND OMG

LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING CONSTRUCTION WORKER BOB THE BUILDER ASS DAMN HANDS LORRRRRRRRRD :(

So I liked Lee Remick in this. Good job Lee keep up the good work !! ugh

Oh, also, the daughter. She was a cutie pie. I liked her. 

AND LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW ALL OF HENRY'S SONGS WERE GARBAGE AND HOW HARD LEE AND THAT LITTLE GIRL HAD TO PRETEND THEY THOUGHT THEM SHITS WERE GOOD. HENRY IS ALL "I'M GONNA MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD AND BE THE NEXT ELVIS"

EXACTLY. GIVE THIS BITCH AN OSCAR. or, maybe not, because she's supposed to be acting like she believes in him so lol

-I also loved Estelle Hemsley 

who played Kate Dawson's like maid or slave or some shit. WHOO BOY! THIS BITCH WAS KILLING ME! I am distraught that I don't have a gif of that moment when Henry was trying to get big from behind the screen door and Estelle Hemsley is like "go up and tell her, then" and Henry is like "okay, i will" AND THE WAY THIS BITCH FLIPS UP THE LOCK ON THE DOOR. Whoooooooo! lol God, that moment totally made up for the rest of the completely horrible rest of the movie. My queen. Also, no shade, but...is she related to Sherman Hemsley? Is she his mom? Or, some shade, his sis?? 

Honorable mention goes to 

-Don Murray for not annoying the shit out of me. I think I've only ever seen him in that miserable shit Bus Stop and I swear to god if that's your first Don Murray movie you will never want to see this nigga's face on your screen ever again. But I didn't know he was in this lol because if I did it would've never been watched let's keep it real. But I'm glad I did watch it, because now I know Don's terrible performance in Bus Stop was not his fault, but the director's. Okay, we're cool now, Don. For now. 

-Kate Dawson for being onscreen for like 5.2 seconds and having like two lines and being a corpse and fucking. killing. it. Wow why couldn't this movie have been all about the shit that went on between Kate and Catherine in that house? Fuck Henry and his deadbeat dad, no child support paying, honky tonk ass bullshit - Kate and Catherine were giving me very much What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? AND I WANT ALL THE SCENES FROM THEIR VERSION PLEASE THANK YOU HURRY UP. Ugh, this movie could've done so much. Like you're giving me Spider Baby tease for goodness sake but you end with some cliché-ass drive off into the sunset bullshit. AND WHERE THE FUCK DON MURRAY GOIN??? IS HE GOIN WITH LEE AND HER KID TO FUCKING CALIFORNIA?? ISN'T HE A SHERIFF OR SOME SHIT?? LIKE THIS NIGGA REALLY WAS LIKE A LAMPPOST THEY WERE DRAGGING FROM SCENE TO SCENE FOR RANDOM DECORATION - I MEAN!! But do I actually mean??? That is the question. No, this fucking movie is the question. 

What is the answer? 

That Awkward Moment (2014)

Sigh.

I was excited for this movie when I first saw the trailers. Why? I don't know. No, look, Miles Teller.

Look at him. I'm a little baby chick fan of his despite only having seen him in semi-bit parts in Rabbit Hole and Divergent. But I'm into and here for it and I like his...accent and attitude and I can't wait to see Whiplash and I hope it's better than this mess. I'm also sort of a fan of Michael B. Jordan? But also semi sort of for no reason??? I mean he was serviceable in Chronicle and good in Fruitvale Station - there! Reasons! Nothing weird or superficial!

Really, I am just trying to act like my superficial love of a bunch of actors in this movie has nothing to do with me watching this unintentional horror film and being scarred for life. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but also, not even a little dramatic? It's totally okay to want to see a film sometimes because it has a bunch of ~hot young actors~ you think are at least a lil semi-talented, right? Like, this is why I watch a lot of things. No, not a lot. But a significant amount of things. It's okay to do this sometimes and I shouldn't feel bad about it and also I shouldn't have to feel like I deserved to be burned. RIGHT? 

Sigh. At least I didn't see this movie for Zac Efron. He was like, the last thing drawing me to the movie. This isn't 2009, 2010 anymore after he made 17 Again and I got really excited for his movie career. We're not there anymore. We're in the post Zac dropping a condom on the red carpet for publicity, getting muscley, then getting fat, then getting fat-muscley, dating famous lesbian Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie St. Abortion era. Like, whatever goodwill he built up with 17 Again was completely squandered by him making a ton of embarrassing, garbage choices. I haven't seen Neighbors yet, but I can just tell there's no way he elevates that film in any way. I'll be seeing that sure-to-be mess for Dave Franco and Hannibal Burress and that's it. 

So I saw this film to see my babies Miles, Michael B and Imogen Poots, who has the best name of all time? Or second-best, because Powers Boothe. Also there's a human being on earth named Wings Hauser. So, third best. Unless Wings is maybe not a human being? (An eagle??) Then we can bump Imogen Poots up to second best human being name on Earth! No, but what about that random Indian singer dude who has like some crazy name pulled out of Mary Poppins' creepy miscellaneous goods bag? Ugh, what is that dude's name...Humperdink Hinglefink or some shit. But it's not a good name, it's scary and he should be put down. OKAY! Let's...ugh, let's start talking about this piece of shit. I guess. 

Zac and his meaty man titties plays some idiot named Jason. Miles plays Daniel and Michael is...Mikey. Great. Jason is a ~player~, and Miles is...I guess, also a player, but he's not as "hot" as Zac...so he gets...he's like a player by proxy, and because HOT JASON acts as some weird alley-oop serving wingman character for him? Like, basically, if Daniel wasn't friends with Jason he'd never get laid - that is what they were giving me. Whatever. Mikey is...a doctor or some shit, right? Idfk, but he's married, but his chick--the wifey--is like: BYYYEEEEE! And she's taking up with someone Mikey likens to Morris Chestnut, but his white ass friends don't know who the fuck Morris Chesnut is until Mikey brings up Boyz in the Hood and...I just wish that entire exchange did not exist. 

Zac/Jason and Miles/Daniel work in advertising I think? Making book jacket covers? Wait. lol What do they do exactly? Book marketing? I'll just do MARKETING in caps anytime I have to recall their dumb job. Wait, before we get into their stupid jobby job, the three amigos are at a bar I think trying to console Mikey over the break-up of his marriage and get him back into the dating game. Some bitch with glasses hits Mikey up and you think it's going to turn into a thing but literally nothing happens with her character. She gives Mikey her number or some shit and then later we see him Facebook stalking her and then?????????? I don't understand the point of her character and, frankly, I don't want to!!! 

lol anyway, so Jason does his thing for Daniel I think and gets him a chick? Idfk, but the ~important~ part of this scene is Jason harassing Imogen Poots' character, Ellie. Imogen Poots is sooooo cute and charming and Hollywood is going to try to make her happen and I'm here for it. HOWEVER, if they're going to try to make her happen in Titanic-sinking icebergs like this and Need for Speed, she might as well stay her ass across the pond. 

So really, we're supposed to garner that Ellie is being harassed by someone not Zac Efron at the bar. Some guy boring her with some bullshit, and then Jason comes over like *ZAc EFron FaCE* and gets into some weird bit about...being in a longterm relationship and dying in your soul of boredom??? DUDE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF CREEPY GARTH AND KAT ASS BULLSHIT THEY WERE DOING, but somehow it led to Ellie thinking it was a good idea to take Jason home and fuck him. With condoms, hopefully. So, after they fuck, Jason wakes up and sees some items scattered about Ellie's apartment that indicate to him she might be a high class escort. Okay. He promptly proceeds to freak-out. My thing is, SO???? So what? The only thing that made sense about him freaking out was his concern over not being able to pay her. But...he woke up while she was asleep. What kind of fucking prostitute falls alseep on her john before getting the money? And if she was a proz, and asleep, and you can't pay, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE? You think this bitch is going to contact the cops on your doofy ass because you didn't pay? Come on. And money concerns aside, who would really be mad if they found out Imogen Poots' attractive ass was a high class escort? Who wouldn't be excited about becoming a regular customer? Like, really, bro? 

After Jason does a weird piss in Ellie's toilet, he takes my advice and leaves his Pretty Woman high and dry. He left zero duckets on the nightstand table. Not even a courtesy tip. Not cool, bro. Then the next day at work she's, of course, there. AWKWARD, BRO. Ellie's a new employee or some shit idk. And Zac, mature, loud-whispers to Daniel/Miles: "DUDE, THAT'S THE PROSTITUTION WHORE I FUCKED LAST NIGHT." After that, I forget who pulls who aside but Imogen is basically like REALLY, BRO? Like probably everyone watching, and certainly like how I was. And then you know what Zac/Jason says to explain why he just dipped on her? "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PROSTITUTION WHORE". He seriously just straight-up says to her face he thought she fucked for bux and instead of kicking his fucking teeth in Imogen gets mad for like two seconds and then...Zac invites her somewhere as an ~apology~? I forgot where he invites her (likely Popeyes or, if he was trying to be fancy, Red Lobster), but the key thing to focus on in this moment is that Imogen just immediately forgvies him. WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? AND WHY? He is so fucking rude and gross and despicable and non-charming and I don't get why she wouldn't have just wiped her hands of him. I see if Michael B. Jordan pulled some mess like this, maybe you'd be like 'okay, i'll give him a second chance', but Zac Efron? Eugh. 

So I forget a lot of what happens after this lol, but def, Jason and Ellie start hanging out and falling for each other and it's predictably gross. Jason is still a playa, but we see him sort of not wanting to be a playa anymore? Blech, wateva. And also there are some B and C stories involving the ~lessers~: Daniel and Mikey. Daniel is hooking up with his friend turned lover Girl from Halt and Catch Fire. Could not care less. But any Miles scenes are good even though his story is like ................ And Mikey is over there in the corner having ~naughty~ sex with his estranged wife in...offices or whatever and...sigh. What is less than "couldn't care less"? Whatever that is, that's me @ Mikey's storyline. But it's always great to see Michael B in scrubs. 

(my face the entire movie)

Can I get a new hospital show and he's the star but he's a ghost and, at some point, someone, Peter Sarsgaard, the racist hospital chief, calls him a "jiggaboo"??? And then Michael B makes a face like "nigga, you don't know how true". Omg, and the show is called Spook. *dying in my sleep*. If someone just made a straight-up racist show like this I would be so happy. And please at some point Peter Sarsgaard, a homophobe and closet lesbian, tries to fuck Michael's character but his dick just...goes right through him!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF TV. 

OKAY! So back to the sigh plot ugh. Um, at some point - wait. First, Ellie invites Zacharius to a party. A costume party? I don't know, but for some reason this asshole shows up wearing a strap-on penis dildo thing? No one else has on a costume, tho. And he looks like a fucking prick (p not inty). And I guess I can understand trying to act confident in this situation like FUCK IT, WHATEVER but...Ellie's parents are there. Why wouldn't he be like, wait b4 I meet your rents let me TAKE THIS FUCKING STRAP-ON PENIS OFF. Wtf? And, of course, he meets the parents and they sort of low-key like him? Especially the dad? Ugh, in what world? And then the dad dies. And then Ellie calls Jason about it and he's like ROBOT DOES NOT COMPUTE. And to his friends he's like "Should I go to the funeral? Eh, it'd be AN AWKWARD MOMENT". And I think they tell him to go support her, BUT HE DOESN'T???? I really do not understand Jason. I get that he's an emotional cripple, but he seemed to be slowly melting into a human being under Ellie's influence. At the point of her dad dying it seemed like they had formed enough of an intimate bond that he'd at least think to pop by the after-funeral reception and pay his respects. What's awkward is not going. The bitch wouldn't have called you about it if she didn't want you to come be with her. And then after he basically refuses to acknowledge his sort-of girlfriend's dad dying, he literally drops all communication with her. I DON'T GET IT. Jason is not drawn up as some hopeless bum character, he's basically presented to us as this douchey-ish, peter pan-ish, post-frat boy type. Not, like, Scar from The Fucking Lion King. Who doesn't show up to the funeral of their girlfriend's father? And let's be fucking honest, they were dating. This wasn't some casual fling. They were getting serious, but I feel like this movie was trying to construct it in a way so that ppl like me would feel uncomfortable labeling it as something ~serious~; so there's a vague "excuse" for his behavior. So obviously whoever wrote this movie is basically Jason in Real Life. Stop letting white guys under the age of forty write shit. Like, I was going to get specific and say "romantic comedy", but no, don't let them write anything. lol what if some like fifty year old Indian woman wrote this shit. Nah, according to Hollywood, these individuals do not exist. #politics 

So, to wrap this garbage up, Zac tries to slut his pain away. Even though the person who should really be in any sort of pain is Ellie but okay. And then he's like *Cher Horowitz moment* Oh my gosh, I love Ellie! Someone kick this bitch in his throat, fo real. He goes to apologize, she's like, BIG SPEECH BASICALLY SAYING FUCK OFF. But then I think he tries to apologize a second time and she's like SIGH, OKAY. Because: life. 

The best thing about this putrid turd were the ending credit "goofs", which were extremely horrible and boring and it's hilarious that the ppl responsible for this film thought it warranted end credit bloopers. The entire movie was a blooper, nigga. lol come on! The best was one featuring Miles and Zac filming a scene in a coffee shop by a window and something happens, I think paparazzi start taking pics and Miles makes some joke about how they're there for Zac, not for him, because no one cares about him. Oh, Miles. No one cares about Zac, either. He probably called them. And, like, pretended to be embarrassed. Like, omg paparazzi! Stahp it, Zachary. And now, arguably, Miles is totally bigger than Zac. Right?? If he's not yet, he will be soon, and I'm so happy. But don't fuck up, Miles. Don't pull a Zac. Don't get muscles. And don't do coke lol 

lol I'm laughing so hard right now

yes hahahahahaha

Nashville: 99 problems, but a bitch aint one

I want to die for using that played-out song lyric (especially since I could not be more bored by Jay-Z), but it's apt for this piece of shit blog post I'm about to do on Nashville so...ugh. I just tried to justify it but I feel sick to my fucking stomach, I really do.

Anyway! The "bitch" this time refers to Hayden Panetierre!

My queen. Originially the pic^ also included Connie Britton's blank ass, but I cropped her out. To throw her a bone, I left in some of her elbow. 

Nashville is one of my current favorite TV shows, but I hate it a whole lot. It rivals Degrassi with being real real ridiculous and bad all the time always. But Degrassi isn't, to my knowledge, trying to be a good show. It's an institution, and most things get to institution level by being mediocre as fuck. Not too good to be afraid of going on too long, and not too terrible that this shit is canceled just so we don't accidentally become a third world country as a result of it's persistent existence. It's why things like Two and a Half Men have to call it quits eventually. At a certain point, you start getting really concerned we're going to be Africa soon. Like, Angus T. Jones is making fun of how lame Jon Cryer is for 100 years straight and all of a sudden everyone in America is living in mud huts and only ever are wearing those sandals you can buy at Pathmark. And, like, there's only Pathmarks. 

Anyway, Nashville is terrible. Not 2.5 Men terrible, but...close. And it's so totally embarrassing because I feel like maybe a lot of people involved in making this show thinks it's....nowhere near 2.5 Men levels of please stop?!?!? But, oh ho ho ho, it is. And I'm really bothered by how not self-aware they are about the badness, especially considering some of the people involved apparently read comments from viewers online about all the badness?? And if that's true, hmmmmm. Because a lot of criticism I've read about Nashville online is entirely accurate. It's not just people complaining about random things like "Where are the Asians in Tennessee????" or ""What's up with the jean shirts????". It's people who watch the show, and want to love it, but can't, because there's all this ridiculous not-goodness getting in the way. And it seems a lot of fans* of the show are irritated by the fact that Nashville has so much potential and if the creators just fixed a few thousand things it'd be perfect! 

Now it's my turn! lol seriously if creators actually read online stuff they probably take a defensive stance. Like, oh, you don't like Luke and Rayna together and their nickname Ruke? OKAY, WE'LL CHANGE THE COUPLE NAME TO LAYNA, HOW ABOUT THAT?! Like, they make passive aggressive changes, instead of just making changes that actually improve the show. Oh, everyone sort of hates Scarlett: ADDICTED TO PILLS AND MAYBE HER MOM IS JOAN CRAWFORD, HOW ABOUT THAT?! HAPPY?! No one liked Megan: SHE'S FORCED TO HAVE SEX SCENES WITH TEDDY NOW, SATISFIED?! Um, no, Nashville, because also we all hate Teddy. So, okay, Megan gets kicked off the show. Coolcoolcool...but a good thing that came from all that terribleness was that it actually gave Teddy, apparently a mainstay to you idiots, an interesting fucking storyline. BUT, NO, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. GET RID OF THE ONLY MAYBE ASIAN WITHIN A 100 MILE RADIUS ASAP. What is wrong with you, Nashville? You can't fucking do anything right. 

Okay, no. You can do some things right, and I will talk about those briefly before I gleefully jump into all the things you fuck up constantly. 

THE GOOD

I've been watching this show since it premiered. So, like, almost three years, right? It doesn't even seem like the show has been on that long, and I'm amazed every day that it still is. One thing that I have always loved about the show has been Hayden/Juliette. She's just been killing it since day one and I have no ocmplaints about anything. Well, not in the performance. Sometimes Juliette gets stupid bullshit storylines: like fucking Jeff (blech), Derek Hough (????), stalking Avery (????????????????), but she still gets a ton of screen time, so I'm not fucking complaining, and hopefully the show will finally get smart and just rename itself JULIETTE (and Avery) and all will be good and right in the world. IN SHORT: WAY MORE JULIETTE, WAY LESS EVERYONE ELSE. And give her more song time, she's a good performer and I love when she pulls a heartbreaker like when she performed "Crazy" this season and had me all in my fucking feelings - MORE THAT, THANK YOU.

Jeff. Look, Jeff is the worst. But in soap opera world, that translates to him being the best. Well, no, Juliette is the best, but Jeff is a great ~villian~. And Oliver Hudson's smarmy-ish face is perfect for this sort of character. I love any Jeff scene, he's so fucking gross and it's just played so well. Like, this actor seems to be having fun. He also seems to be aware of the embarrassing corniness of the show, something way more people involved need to get fucking hip to. And I am SO EXCITED for whatever he has up his sleeve for Maddie and the other one, Teddy's dumb ass, and a possibly dead Layla. So amped. omg did I just type I was so amped? Oh boy

Will Lexington. Am I so over the closeted gay storyline? Answer: when the fuck have I ever been into it? I try to make excuses for this shit. Like, oh...this is...country music, so....I guess this makes sense. Not that the rest of the country is so much more progressive or anything, this just isn't 1952. Like, you're not Rock Hudson. And coming out as gay is not going to ruin you. If anything, being gay would make you an even bigger star, and it's dumb as hell that like no one acknowledges this. As far as I know, which is basically nothing, it does not seem there are any out gay country music stars. Why can't Will look at it as: I'll be the Neil Armstrong of Darius Ruckers??? Ugh, whatever. Besides my supreme hate for Will's entire storyline, I love him. Which, really, defies all reason. Seriously, I hate everything Nashville has him doing. But, somehow, Chris Carmack has managed to make me care about him as a character. When he first came on the scene I was like: EYEROLL. Like how I am with any new arrival who isn't a part of the original cast: or, whoever wasn't in the first fucking episode. But once I realized The Cowboy was gay I was like: HMM, OKAY. Then they made me immediately sad by having him be sort of a homophobe and deep as fuck in his walk-in closet, but by that time I was already devoted to Will as a character. Hate you, Nashy. 

THE BAD

Okay, enough of all that positive shit. Time to go in!!!! Time to turn up!!!!!! 

RAYNA. Hey, the unofficial ~protagonist~ of the show FUCKING SUCKS. First, Connie Britton. Where is this AMAZING ACTRESS I've been hearing so much fucking shit about??? I swear to god, before I watched this mess, all I ever heard about the Conster is that she's basically Cate Blanchett, but TV. UH, I DON'T THINK SO, MA'AM. The only other thing I've seen this wad of gum stuck under a desk in was American Horror Story: Murder House, and everyone knows that was all Jessica and Evan's show. I don't even remember what Connie's purpose in that shit was. I think...she gave birth??? Coolcool. Here, I also don't know what her purpose is. She's like a cipher, and it's awkward. We're...supposed to care about her, right? But there's nothing to care about. Like, what's going on in this bitch's innerlife? You're giving me zero, Connie and Nashville. Nothing to work with at all. Which makes the END GAME ~eternal love~ vomstory concerning her and Deacon silly at best. And I like Deacon, but you make me not like him as much as I can by being his object of affection. I'm like, and I'm sure a bunch of other people are like, Why is he so obsessed with her? It can't just be the hair. Oh my god, is it just the hair? AND SHE CAN'T SING. Come on, who made the decision to cast this bitch? You wanted Faith Hill, I guess. A Faith Hill type, for some reason. And I guess you looked at Connie B like: tall, she can do an accent, yess!!!! NO. And why did you even want a Faith Hill? She seems boring as fuck, and if she is anything like Rayna in real life, she is boring as fuck. I don't get it. Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, shit Miranda Lambert, all these country bitches are way more interesting-seeming and this is who, if you were looking to ape the story of a country music legend, you should have modeled a character after. Nonsense.

Scarlett anytime she's saying lines that are not sung in a song with another person, particularly Gunnar, or Deacon. Speaking of modeling characters after actually interesting people, Scarlett is, apparently, supposed to be modeled after Dolly or Loretta. Or both? NEITHER. She sucks. And I was a Scarlett apologist for fucking ever because she sung that beautiful duet with Gunnar in the first ep and I was here for her immediately. Then the show promptly proceeded to destroy all the goodwill that performance garnered with a fucking quickness, and they haven't let up since. Recently, Scarlett was involved in a horrid, cringe-stroke inducing ~Magical Negro~ storyline. Or a reverse one, maybe, as Scarlett ends up helping him. I guess he's supposed to be helping her get over her stage fright, but in the end Scarlett ends up defeating the fear herself. She looks over at the magical negro homeless bum drinking in the street and then is like: *Katy Perry voice* NOT ME! So, even more offensive than the typical magical negro storyline, in that the magical negro in this scenario serves as an example of what not to do. Who not to listen to. Terrible. AND WHY IS HER HAIR STILL BAD. WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THOSE SHITTY ROPEY ASS, STRINGY ASS, TRASH ASS FUCKING EXTENSIONS?? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, NASHVILLE?? Does she have gross hair on purpose? Is this Clare Bowen's real-life hair that she refuses to take off for filming?? WHAT IS THIS SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?! It's almost as bad as Glenn's fucking hair hat. Why, Nashville, did we get only two glorious seconds of Glenn in all his bald naked beauty, only to have you rip that away from us seemingly forever?? I feel like you teased us with that just so we'd get pissed off. Just so the next time Glenn showed up onscreen we'd scream WHY IS HIS HAIR THING BACK?!?! Hate you, Nashy: Part II. 

Teddy, of course. Does anyone who watches this show care about Teddy? No, seriously, is there anyone out there who like, gets excited for Teddy scenes? Like, besides the actor's mom. Oh, she's dead? Then, okay, we're back to square one. Or...not even square one, because I already had said besides his mom, so. You know, I don't even hate Teddy as much as I feel like I should, or want to. I think...I don't hate Teddy as much as I find him the dumbest fucking idiot who has ever lived, and every time he shows up I'm like: SIGH AT YOUR LIFE, TEDDY. He's like Jon from Garfield transplanted into the ~sexy~ and ~glamorous~ world of Country Music. He gets to do sex, and he gets to be Mayor. But, he's still Jon from Garfield. And Jon would totally be the type to fall in love with a fucking prositute. And not even a Julia Roberts-type prostitute. This bitch looks like a housewife who idolizes Lisa Rinna or some shit. SIGH AT YOUR LIFE, TEDDY. And now he's going to be involved in some messy shit with Jeff that will ultimately end in Teddy not dying. Sigh at my life now. 

Gunnar, and anyone in his orbit. I liked Gunnar for 2.2 seconds. Probably never, actually. If I really think about it. He's so...try-hard. Ugh. Just, his hair, and...his...personality and life and just ughblechblugh. The fact that he proposed to Scarlett and then like three seconds later was loved up with her supposed best friend 4ever?? Okay, I guess. And really, ever since he and Scarlett split, Gunnar has been entirely insignificant. Like, for real. The show tried to make him relevant again recently with this bullshit kid storyline. And I want to feel like it's over and we'll never see that annoying ass kid again, but because he's Gunnar's dumb dead bro's demon spawn, I bet that little piece of shit will be back. Hopefully, though, someone else rendered wholly annoying just by being associated with Gunnar, Zoey, will be gone forever. Like, you can't become relevant being hitched to a character who also isn't, you know? Maybe if you'd come through as...I don't know, Juliette's...mom's...old girlfriend from...rehab? Then, maybe you would have had a chance. I'm going to ignore the fact that the show tried to force you down our throats for nearly two whole seasons. You better be fucking gone for good. And while the show is up to getting rid of dead weight, take out Gunnar. He might...I think I just realized Gunnar is possibly more unnecessary than Teddy. Wow. Ouch. Leave. 

Speaking of "leave": basically all ~secondary characters~, which, really, is everyone but Juliette. Who's the new one, what's her name, played by Laura Benanti? Look, I'm always here for a storyline about domestic abuse, but...why can't this be happening to a character from the main cast? They could've done this with Ruke! Could've really given that cringey ass relationship some gravitas! Could've made me care about Rayna, finally! Why give someone nobody cares about a juicy storyline? Who the fuck works on this show? Did you just shout from the window to people on the street: "Hey, you, drinking a Mountain Dew Code Red from the can, wanna come in and write for this show? Yeah? Okay, bring the imaginary friend you appear to be getting into a shouting match with. We'll take all the help we can get!!" This also seems to be how...maybe, they showrun??? It's just like this random grabbing at anything. Shoving your hand into the dark and just going with whatever you pull out?? I DON'T KNOW! But I don't understand the logic of introducing all these random new characters when you haven't even figured out what the fuck to do with the full-time cast. And no, you don't "fix" a main character by throwing a whole another new character at them. Are you an idiot, Nashville? You have to develop characters. How does it make sense to be like...hmm can't figure out Main Character so...let's toss this Newborn Thing at them that we'll also have to figure out....eventually. So...more work for us? That we ultimately won't do. Like, we'll just kill someone off or maybe have someone fake a miscarriage with pigs blood?? Whatever, where is my mountain dew code red in a can? 

And then some things are neither good nor bad, they're the ugly gunk in between. The murky grey stuff where you're like "Is this Lyme disease?" 

THE UGLY

Ruke. I don't want to pretend that I wasn't sort of entirely amused by this spectacle of a relationship. I actually wanted these two idiots to get married, because the prospect of them just being legally bound to each other was making me laugh my fucking ass off. Rayna so clearly despised Luke I don't honestly have any idea how they got this far. And now I fucking like Luke. This stupid show kept him around so long that I went from being like "...Why is he here?" to "Wow, I sort of feel bad for this dude". NO. I AM UPSET BY THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT IN MYSELF. And I'm excited about Luke sticking around. My one gripe is that I was really expecting Luke to come out with some crazy anger issue stuff. All over Rayna's face, perhaps? But maybe that'll be part of the second half of this season. I'm feeling a little wheels up (ugh). I'm so tired with myself for liking Luke now. But at least it gives me more reason to hate Rayna, which has become my fave pastime. Howdoyoukillyourself.com/whatifijustatetoomanycarrots?

Layla. [audience laughter] I.................I... Just, her beanie alone. And then, like, everything else. Oh my god, all that shit with the reality show and how they tried to force a Newlyweds comparison when Newlyweds was actually vaguely amusing, but Will and Layla were trying way too hard and it was just depressing and there's no way I believe their shitty country ass little reality show is a success, especially if they're faking it as hard they appeared to be. God, just. Ugh. And Layla deferred Harvard? YEAH, RIGHT. I mean, yeah, it happened. But, again, YEAH, RIGHT. You're Teddy-dumb. Stop frontin'. But, you know, that idiot is the fucking mayor. Of Nashville, but still. So I guess it takes all kinds. (This makes no sense. I deferred Harvard!). And, ugh, her thing with Jeff. And how she ended up face-down in the pool. Or, wait, was that because of her bearding for a dude who apparently will have sex with women, just not you, girl? Or, was it both of those things? Was she face-down with her Santa hat still on? Because if yes: hah. I read something funny where someone compared Layla/Aubrey Peeple's acting at one point to a high school staging of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and I just got all of my laughs. This basically just sums up Layla entirely (Aubrey Peeples?). You're trying hard, but it's goofy. It never won't be. But maybe, if she survives drowning in her stupid sorrows, the show will keep up with her acoustic beanie shit. The one thing this show has going for it is taking cheesy shit and throwing an acoustic guitar at it and - blammy! Not as cheesy anymore. But they need to be careful about doing that too much. They almost tipped the scales when Jeff pulled out a guitar [audience laughter]. At least he didn't sing. [audience laughter dying down because secretly they wanted him to]

Tandy. Cool haircut? Or did that happen in seasozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................(this is me flatlinining after falling into a coma)

In short: If this show can kill off Powers Boothe, they can kill off literally everyone else. Besides Juliette, and Avery by proxy. BUT, if you're not going to be Tahj Mowry in Smart Guy, then at least listen to all the griping from the fans and change literally everything about this show. Like, everything. But if you give Deacon AIDS I'll forgive you for all your very many mistakes and won't care if you give Connie Britton more songs to do. AIDS is forever dong. In that, it lasts forever, and I want to fuck it as a storyline. (???)

*an asterik. To indicate terms and conditions. 

I Miss You (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About How I Only Cared About Harry and No One Else Except Maybe Jung-Myung and his ponytail)

I should have known. I should have looked at the poster for the show. Like, really paid attention to it. HARRY IS STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE BEING IGNORED BY ZOEY AND JUNG-WOO AND THEIR STUPID ETERNAL LOVE. I should have known being #TeamHarry would bring me nothing but pain. 

I'm not even going to recap this show. Because it upset me and I just can't. That is not to say I didn't enjoy many aspects of it. Many aspects as in Harry and anything to do with him. I want to do a different post for all the different things I liked. Harry, younger Jung-woo, Jung-myung's ponytail, the Dunkin Donuts product placement, hairstyle changes, and some other things. Debating whether or not I should dedicate a post to Zoey's nails...

Zoey upset me too much so maybe I will try to hurt her by categorizing things I liked about her under miscellaneous. That'll show her.