This movie was really special in a primarily bad way. But I don't wanna act like I didn't watch this specifically because I expected just that. I've heard about these woman thou art loosed films and T.D. Jakes, but I don't think I've ever seen one. I remember the first time hearing about one it was that prison movie. For some reason I was riding a school bus ages ago and the bus driver, one of those ratchet dgaf bus drivers obviously, had the radio on. Bus drivers never play the radio that's why this one was ratchet. Like, we're school kids lol and he had it tuned to some urban station and this harrowing ass commercial for one of the woman thou art loosed films came on and I remember being hella traumatized. Like, I could see those woman in the prison. I could see their raggedy cornrows and sunken, bruised faces. That radio commercial was vivid as hell, and ever since then I've been obsessed with seeing it.
I actually thought...Woman Thou Art Loosed was just the name of that one particular film, I had no idea it was like...a fucking series. But I was perusing Netflix's shitty selection of movies (to chill BY MYSELF) when I came across this one I'm writing about today, Woman Thou Art Loosed: On the 7th Day. I could tell this wasn't that prison movie because I was pretty sure the prison movie was all women. And judging by the summary, it just obviously was not the prison one. I was disappointed, but then I quickly switched to being excited because despite this not being that raggedy prison movie I am for no reason obsessed with, it was clearly still something just as bad-seeming. Blair Underwood?? Sharon Leal???? Questionable church themes that make morally superior judgements about people??? Some vaguely convoluted kidnapping plot where I get to be excited about the kid possibly turning up dead?? Oh hell yeah, it's lit.
This movie was bad and dumb right away. Wait was it, or was I just blinded by Blair Underwood's consistently greasy ass s-curl? That nigga be lowkey highkey trippin. Like he be really walking around here talking and looking like that. He be really outchear as a nigga named Blair smh. But I'm not even mad. He's interesting. He always brings something. He's like the Target version of Taye Diggs, who is obviously Kmart. Am I really in here complimenting Blair? He's rubbed me the wrong way for soooo long (ugh). Like ever since he was like the only black boyfriend on Sex and the City. Smh, of course he was. Wait, no, Samantha also dated a ~rapper~. At least Blair didn't embarrass himself in that role. He played a bougie self-hater and it was almost as if...he was playing himself. Give this man a daytime Emmy.
Nah, lemme stop coming for my girl Blair. I secretly love him, and I definitely love Sharon Leal, but the two of them play a really gross married couple in this movie. You're just watching like, I can't wait til they get their daughter snatched - like, enough!! And she gets snatched!! *curls fist, closes eyes tight, orgasms* Yes.
Okay, so, TIME FOR ME TO START SCREAMING IN CAPS. Okay wait hold on. Wait. lol.
okay so Sharon Leal and Blair get their daughter snatched up. Pam Grier is one of the cops working on the case. I love Pam Grier, but honey...................Like let's all just agree Pam Grier's ass can't act. She puts the effort in, though. Like I'm not tryna drag my mom, but...................
but no.
Pam Grier is wearing like a bandana and a cowboy hat
and I just assume that's how all cops in Louisiana dress. At least the extra-hype ones like Pam's character. So when Pam drops by to question Sharon and Care Blair, some truth bombs are dropped. And it's like "lol". APPARENTLY, Sharon's character...did all kinds of crazy shit before becoming a housewife. The gist is she was a prostitute. So lived that hooker lifestyle for a bit, I guess, until she killed one of her johns? I can't remember if she killed or stabbed him. Or wait was it her pimp? Girl, idk smh. Just know she used to be a messy ass bitch, a liar a scammer, etc. So now, reformed, Sharon keeps her secret by sending money to her former pimp every month. Idk WHAT all this has to do with Sharon's daughter going missing, but okay Pam, blow ol' girl's spot up.
It's implied that Sharon's past is responsible for her daughter getting snatched which is so...like the message is so misogynistic. Yeah! Some shady character from Sharon's past ABSOLUTELY could've slid through and snatched her kid. But so could literally ANYONE from either of their pasts. AND GIRL!!!! Let's just fast forward to the real tea, BECAUSE WHO ACTUALLY SNATCHED THE DAUGHTER WAS BLAIR'S MISTRESS/TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.
Wait, okay. So Nicole Beharie's crazy ass ends up being the one who took the daughter and maybe the initial sort of...extra-judgement of Sharon's character was done on purpose?? Because Blair's hypocritical ass is going in on this bitch, like YOU LIED TO ME YOU ENDANGERED OUR DAUGHTER WITH YOUR WHORE WAYS blah blah when the whole time he was fucking some other bitch and she ended up being the one who took his kid. So maybe I jumped the gun being super-annoyed by how everyone was coming left and right for Sharon's ass. Actually, maybe that's what this whole series is about?? Come to think. I mean this is my first movie in the series but maybe "woman thou art loosed" refers to like...how badly women are treated in society?? Or like how they're consistently demeaned, overlooked and dismissed?? Maybe?? Maybe. Maybe!!
Okay but I immediately don't even care about that. I immediately don't care about whatever ~message~ this movie was tryna spout when...it was so non-good. It was really ridiculous and the whole time watching I kept asking "What is this?". It was just mad extra. I guess it kept my attention, though. BUT SIGH WHAT WAS WITH THAT CREEPY PEDO DUDE??? HE AINT EVEN TAKE THE DAUGHTER??? THIS YELLOW TOOOTHED COLONEL SANDERS WAS SNATCHING UP OTHER LITTLE HOES!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING TO HIM?? THIS NIGGA IN SOME WHOLE OTHER MOVIE BUT OKAAAAY????!!!!!!??!?! Like I'm mad he was just filler? AND I'M MAD THE MOVIE TRIED TO GET US TO THINK HE WAS IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE??????
They was really tryna conceal the ~surprise~ that Nicole was the kidnapper BUT GUESS WHAT, HO?! I still clocked that bitch before you revealed her, so nice try, but ya failed! I wasn't even sure of myself when I first suspected Nicole. I was like *sucks teeth* "She prob took the kid". The moment when she walked in on Blair tearing up his office. She was all *fake as hell* "You okay???" There was just something about how concerned she was about this nigga. AND THEN WHEN HE POPPED BY HER PLACE AND HE TRIED TO GET A BOOTYCALL IN WTF AND SHE LIED AND SAID SHE HAD COMPANY BUT JUST ENDED UP GOING TO SIT ALONE ON HER COUCH. Yall failed because it was just too obvious. But I still wasn't sure. And you kept playing games with Colonel Sanders! I'm heated. AND I'm mad the girl ended up being alive. When a kid gets kidnapped in a movie the rule should be they are not found alive. High stakes, bitch! This why I aint fuck with Prisoners. Anyway, I shouldn't be allowed to have the internet.
WAITWAITIIIT!!! HOW COME SHARON AINT GO TO JAIL FOR MURDERING NICOLE I'M SCREEEAAMMMMMINNNGNGNGNGNGNGNGGNNGNGNNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNNG
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