Cyberbu//y (2011)

This movie was hella dumb. Like anytime I'm on Tumblr and I see that screencap of Tyler, the Creator's twitter saying something how cyberbullying doesn't exist you just need to log off or something (but like more horribly put and in ALL CAPS), I roll my eyes because that's mad insensitive and dismissive and the internet is real life. But lol ummmmmm I kinda felt that way when I was watching this? Like, bitch, just log off??? 

Maybe because it was a cheesy ABC Family movie so I couldn't take it seriously?? So okay, this mess stars Haley Joel Osment's less ugly and bloated little sister Emily. She plays some high school bitch named Taylor. I watched this movie like two months ago smh so I forgot everything but...they have some Fake Myspace/Facebook type thing in the universe of this movie, where you can put up messages and videos or whatever blah blah.  

Taylor gets a message from some random dude on the Fake Myspace thing, and it's like obvious right away it's a Catfish lol smh. Omg I forget everything that happens I'm screaming. Someone...posts...something bad about Taylor on the Fake Myspace thing. Omg I am screaming because I am truly forgetting everything. Oh, I think the first thing that was posted was by her brother, right? Doesn't Taylor initially think it's the Mean Squad at school? So whatever her brother gets in trouble and that's brushed aside. But then...I think the Catfish dude posts something bad about Taylor and things spiral out with all this shit being posted about her on the site blah blah idfk lol I just remember thinking how dumb it was playing out in the movie. Like the minute I started getting harassed online I would just remove myself from it. Like okay people wanna play games that's fine and keep it moving. But I'm an Aquarius lol Taylor prob was some dramatic ass Gemini or Aries. Or like any Fire sign. 

Like she would be all up on the computer obsessing about the messages being written about her. And most of them were really cheesy, like, Canadian insults. Lol omg Taylor is such a kiss slut lol or whatever. I do think they started a rumor that she had the herp or something. I think the Catfish dude wrote that lol then Taylor's crush at school started distancing himself from her. Like in the beginning of the movie he asked her to homecoming or prom or whatever but then later reneged I wanted to scream.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW TAYLOR ALREADY BASICALLY HAD A BOO AT SCHOOL BUT STARTED FLIRTING WITH THAT CATFISH DUDE ONLINE, GETTING ALL HYPE? That's what her ass get! lol nah it's good to play the field when you're young, BUT LET'S DEFINITELY TALK ABOUT HER HATING ASS FRIEND, SAMANTHA, played by Disney icon Kay Panabaker. Can't name one thing I have seen Kay Panabaker in--WAIT, SUMMERLAND, RIGHT? SHE WAS IN SUMMERLAND? REMEMBER SUMMERLAND?? Lol remember Jesse McCartney? Is he dead? Sigh, I hope.

Would my blog be considered cyberbulling? There's truly no need to be coming for Jesse McCartney like that. What has he ever done to anyone? And Keith is one of my favorite movies of all time. Have you ever seen Keith? It's like Twilight but replace vampires with cancer. Um, and spoiler alert, btw...

Anyway! Smh, Taylor has this hatin ass friend named Samantha whom I pegged as the culprit behind the Catfish and the hate messages I think right away, before they threw that red herring of her brother in. I don't remember if this was supposed to be a mystery thriller lol with the audience trying to figure out who was anonymously disparaging Taylor, but I do know that it took a while to ~reveal~ it was Samantha. 

Samantha was hating so hard RIGHT A FUCKING WAY when the movie started because Taylor had a little thing going with Scott. Samantha was on some ALL MEN ARE DOGS type shit, telling Taylor that it was guaranteed Scott would eventually hurt her. Like damn, who hurt you? You're like fifteen lol like damn what's going on. We get some little backstory--Omg, like the tiniest glimpse of Samantha's life--and I guess she has a workaholic dad who doesn't pay attention to her? Ummmmmm lol, so? No, like, that sucks? But it's hard for me to understand...or like accept that's why this little girl is so bitter. Like she is out here acting like some fifty year old woman who's been ran through. Her character and backstory and everything didn't ring exactly true to me. But she's white, I don't understand white people lol so maybe it makes sense.

Samantha's dumb, hatin' ass drives Taylor to a suicide attempt and please understand about me that I was cackling at this movie THE ENTIRE TIME it was on, and yet? Not labeled as a comedy. Huh. 

It was so...funny to me when at the hospital Taylor's mom asked Samantha if she knew what was going on with her daughter, why had she tried to kill herself? And fucking Samantha acted like all this wasn't completely her doing. It was just entirely killing me how far she was going to troll her friend, so much so that she tries to take her own life lol like. Like it's not funny, but if you watch this, it kind of is??? Like she just kept it going. You're no one's friend. This bitch is on some complete psychopath shit, but I got a strange feeling from the movie that they were almost trying to sympathize with Samantha? Lol, no. Because this shit is real, and people really do kill themselves over stuff like this. Yes it was hilarious in the film, but in real life, I woulda beat Samantha's fucking ass for putting me through all that stress cuz her ass was jealous and weird. 

I still feel Taylor shoulda just hopped her ass off the computer. Or opened another tab at least. Like I don't really have cyberbulling experience, because, no offense, I don't entertain that shit. Cyberbulling to me is someone hacking my paypal account or something lol like post all the hate messages about me that you want just don't fuck with my coin. What do I honestly look like caring if you write that I have herpes? Bitch, that just means I get the d!! (I don't at all smh). Taylor shoulda just kept it moving when the harassment first started, BUT, AND HOWEVER, what's important to remember is that everyone does not deal with things the same way. I am someone who does not get fazed easily which is not me bragging I think I just have a lot of chips missing in my brain lol, but others have different emotional and mental responses, so it's not exactly fair to be like Log Off! or Get Over It! or It's Not That Serious, There Are More Imperative Things To Worry About! or whatever the usual dismissive rhetoric is. Coming from a completely insensitive person lol like, people need to be kinder and more understanding, or the fucking Holocaust will happen again (wait, does this sound like I'm a nazi-Sympathizer??). Putting aside the whole genocide deal for a second, do y'all remember the horrid concentration camp garb? I'm not wearing, like, wool pyjamas. Seems scratchy and uncomfy. Let's not play ourselves like that!! 

Waitwaitwait!! BUT REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT TAYLOR'S OTHER FRIEND THAT MULATTO OR MAYBE INDIAN GIRL AND HOW SHE STOPPED FUCKING WITH TAYLOR BECAUSE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL STARTED TALKING SHIT TO HER BECAUSE OF TAYLOR AND SHE GOT ALL SHOOK LIKE "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!"??!,! I WANTED TO DIE THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY SHE CRUMBLED! 

This movie was really bad...

Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Excuse me. Is this the movie Kristen Stewart won a French Oscar for? So they just don't give a fuck, I guess. I mean, it's not like they do over here, either, but they aint never nominate this bitch for no award. Maybe a razzie. Are the Césars actually French Razzies and something got lost in translation?? I don't even know if this is the movie she won for, so lemme stop talking shit. However, Kristen Stewart winning any award for acting, no matter where and for what movie, is a crime. Arrest France, they deserve it for being known around the world for acting pretentious about being musty. I love being musty just as much as the next bîtch, but to be pretentious about it? Halt.

 

Anyway, Kristen Stewart makes me uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Once, I read someone compare her to James Dean. Stop. James could work with his weirdness and used his body to command the screen, Kristen does not believe in herself and is dead behind the eyes. The only role I've seen her in where she pulled off her...eccentricities, was as Joan Jett in The Runaways. If only she could just play that role forever, then we'd be straight. But alas!! 

It was a relief when she disappeared from the movie and I could breathe with my bae Juliette Binoche. Someone who can actually act and doesn't make my eyeballs cringe and itch when she is performing. Shit even Chloë showed Kristen up, even Johnny Mars' awkward-looking ass, like honestly I was tired.

Wait, lemme try to discuss what this movie was about and stop going in on Hollywood's favorite lesbian, Jodie Foster's son. I just...I was just so annoyed. Okay so this mess is about some bitch named Maria Enders which I just realized. I'm like, why this movie called Clouds of Sils Maria? Still don't know, but have discovered Juliette's character was named Maria. smh

 

So whatever, Maria Enders is some famous actress. I suppose foreign. So she does classy prestige pics and then I guess shitty Hollywood blockbusters playing the villain. Also middle of the road, sort of actiony drama films with Harrison Ford?? The movie opens with her on a train going to give some speech to honor the dude who gave her her first big break and also I think it was her first part. She played some bitch named Sigrid in some movie or play or some shit called Maloja Snake. I couldn't figure out if it was a play or a movie. I guess a play? But it seemed like a movie? Or did she play on stage and then in the film? Probably that.   

So anyway while on the train, Maria gets news the director and writer she's going to honor, Wilhelm Whatever, has died. Fast-forward to some youngish Nazi director dude approaching Maria to play Sigrid twenty years later (side-eye). Maria says she's not interested at first for whatever bullshit reason, then the dude explains she'd be playing the character Helena, the older woman Sigrid seduces, which is implied is basically Sigrid twenty years later. Maria says she doesn't want to do it because the actress who originally played Helena died in a car accident or something and she conflates that woman's death with Helena's suicide or whatever shit, it's obvious she just has an issue playing an older version of the youthful character that made her famous.

Maria accepts the role obviously, but the whole movie she takes issue with the Helena character. Talking about how weak and pathetic she is. Kstew, playing Maria's assistant Valentine (side...eye), is always off to the side offering counterpoints to Maria's opinions. She sees most things different from Maria. Like Maria is very against the schlocky, sort of corny films famous young actress Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloë Grace Moretz, does. Like her shitty alien movie with the party city wigs. Valentine is talking all this mess about how yeah the movie might be trash, but Jo-Ann goes so deep in her character. It was like Kstew was talking about herself in Twilight, and I felt embarrassed all over again. 

Valentine also sees Helena differently. Something about how there's strength in weakness and being vulnerable, and maybe she mentioned how cold and cruel characters like Sigrid shouldn't be praised or something. I remember agreeing, primarily, with her assessment concerning Helena. I don't like Doing the Most ass characters like Sigrid just destroying shit to be destroying shit, but I also get where Maria is coming from concerning her disdain for Helena, because who wants to see some old bitch groveling after an obnoxious young thot? It's the type of theme that makes me uncomfortable anytime I watch a Joan Crawford movie. Like youth and beauty are the currency and if you're over thirty, bitch move. Go outside and die. 

But you know, this Maloja Snake play sounds like motherfucking ASS and TRASH. Sounds like straight garbage and dookie crumbs if you ask me. Sounds like some typical trite misogynistic bs. Not sure if it was supposed to come across as that? Probably but idk. Wilhelm was probably some old boring white dude writing about typical old boring white dude things. Definitely looking at the whole of the movie, how they lampooned several creative industry tropes, I am thinking they were also attacking these old pretentious white dudes and their ~famous works~. Hopefully they were dragging them, because the readings Maria and Valentine were doing looked...just awful. 

Don't get me wrong, good acting from #actingbae Binoche. Oh, and Kristen Stewart was there. But anyway, good acting from Binoche. It made me actually wanna see the play (which I thought was gonna be a movie eventho they kept mentioning rehearsals??? But movies do rehearsals, non??). 

Okay so let's get down to brass tax (is that the saying? probably not wtf is a brass tax), who was who? Was Maria Helena, or still Sigrid? Sigrid, ~twenty years later~~? Because Valentine was the one who "disappeared" on the hike. WHICH, BTW, WHERE THE FUCK THAT BITCH GO?? Maria aint report her missing? Lol how they just gon gloss over that, BUT OKAY. Was Valentine Helena? It definitely seemed to be a role reversal with Maria and Valentine, but I don't get what the movie is trying to say with it? I guess they said Maloja Snake was about how the two women were drawn to each other because they shared the same wound? Was that the same with Maria and Valentine? But what was the shared wound? Idk.......like I can't tell if I'm dumb, or the movie isn't good enough. A bit of both, I suppose. 

Okay but what was going on with the Jo-Ann Ellis character? With all her drama snd the paparazzi nonsense, and then her being a bitch to Maria at the end when she gave her an acting note? I couldn't read where they were going with Jo-Ann's character. Was she younger Maria?? Do I care????? No!! 

 

The Girl Who Had Everything (1953)

Everything? I don't know about all that. First of all, how the fuck old was Jean supposed to be? I assumed over 18, but her age seemed really important for me to know to be able to determine her exact standing in life and put into context how fucked up to very fucked up it was that everyone (mainly her dad + beau) kept trying to tell this bitch what (or whom) she should or should not be doing. Like, it's not as if this bitch was in college or anything to allow me some sort of time frame. If she was anything over the age of nineteen, I'm utterly disgusted. But not surprised because 1953. 

Jean has a dad. She calls him Steve. They seem to have a pretty good relationship I guess. He lets her do whatever, I guess, and he seems to be semi-monied, so Jean prob gets a cute allowance which she obviously uses to buy her super cute dresses to swish about in living her carefree ass upper-middle class richie girl lifestyle. She also has a beau: Vance. He opposes the faux-free reign Jean's dad allows her. When they're married, Vance says, "I will lock this pre-Burton days goddess up in a cage I keep in my basement and almost always have a black tarp covering it so she think it's nighttime forever and stays asleep. Asleep is the number one quality I look for in a potential life partner. And by partner, I mean the exact opposite of that word. 1953." Vance wants to get married right away, but Jean expresses hesitation. She doesn't want to settle down yet, and finds the idea of meal-planning and fucking Gig Young for the rest of her life, boring at best. Gig/Vance is all "Day to day living: that's the real excitement of life" with a straight face. Also, at the end (which we'll (who's we'll??) get to), Jean's daddy reiterates this...sentiment, like, word for word. Quite early on, the movie is attempting to make some sort of point. Which is, I think, stop wanting stuff you don't already have or that is semi-medium easy to extra-difficult to obtain. Or else you'll end up...almost marrying some dude in the mafia???

SPEAKING OF NONSENSICAL SHIT: This movie. But wait, first, let's intro Fernando Lamas. When I read the description for this movie on OnDemand I knew straight away Lamas was playing the client of William Powell's character, who is a criminal attorney. Not because I was familiar with Lamas before this film, because I wasn't really, but because his was the only ethnic-sounding name listed in the cast credits. And by ethnic, I mean not white. At least, not the right white. Vic has a mega accent, and not an okay kind like that weird mid-Atlantic one literally everyone else has. He's Latin. DANGEROUS. You can tell by how fucking high he wears his swim trunks.  

(not from the movie, but basically)

Anyway, Jean sees this swaggy nigga on television being brought up on...gambling charges? HEY, LOOK, I HAD NO IDEA THIS NOT-RICKY RICARDO ASS PIECE OF SHIT WAS IN THE MOB. Seriously, was I supposed to?! The whole time until we got to the scenes in NY I was wondering why the dad was so anti-Vic. The gambling stuff didn't seem all that serious to me. It just came off as a ~cost of doing business~ type scenario. (?????) But, APPARENTLY, the whole time, this Bolivian dungaroo is the head of some notorious crime mob. Like, seriously. And the dad knows! And doesn't say shit to his daughter about it...??????!?! He's just like: GIVE BACK THAT HORSE, YOU SLUT. 

Oh, wait, skipped some shit. So...Jean/Liz thinks Vic/Llamas is a cutie pie banana boat. Llamas, duh, thinks the same of Liz. They fuck. They keep fucking, despite very vague, super passive protests from Jean's dad and that dude she was fucking before Llamas swam up from Not-America directly into her vaginal canal. I wish this was one of those creepy movies where there's unintentionally (or secretly intentionally coughGildacough) some read between the lines incest and/or gay shit type feelings motivating a character's jealousy or disapproval. Like, if I even a little bit shipped Powell + Taylor's characters this movie would've been way more enjoyable. In the slapping scene I got zero creepy daddy-daughter vibes. I blame Powell for looking like the first Dad ever invented, or a cartoon of a human man who is also a rodent (take your pick), and also I blame weak sauce acting/writing. Everything was detached as fuck and almost pointless in execution. Why did you bother with this and why was Llamas the best part despite being all over the place and annoying me with his stupid face? Pre-Burton Liz is really beautiful, but so not my cup of tea, acting-wise. Give me bloated, braying Liz any day. Actually, she's pretty good in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Butterfield 8, but I still love fat Liz the best. Early 1950s Liz? No bueno. 

Where was I? This ~review~ is a mess, like my life and inside of my head and soul, but so is this movie, so...apropos. (Get help). Liz and Llamas are about to get married when Llamas' gang friends get word that Powell plans to expose all their thug-ass secrets. Llamas' plan to shut Powell up is to marry Liz immediately. The gang's plan is to murder his dumb ass. I really liked that shot with his dumb dead body in the car (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!) and the traffic light thing says GO with the cars behind Llamas' car honking their horns like MOOOOOVE, DAMN! It was cliche or whatever, but whatever. I'll take what I can get. Anyway, at the end Powell + Taylor give awkward press interviews about Tony Soprano meets Gus Fring's assassination. Taylor acts really hard/bad at feigning semi-despondency about her former fiance's current dead ass state. She makes some weird comment like, "Growing up isn't easy, is it?" YEAH, I yelled at the TV, EX-MAFIA MEMBER/FIANCE MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD: GROWING PAINS. Yes, I yell at the TV. No, the people inside it can't hear me. Yes, I have to remind myself of this often. No, I don't like fucking fruit in my yogurt. It's disgusting - stop it. Also at the end, as I said earlier, Powell's character reiterates the line Gig Young said about how daily routine is what living is all about. Which is extremely depressing. But, also, is that this movie's message? Why go about illustrating it in this way? It's so extreme to have it end in a drive-by mafia hit. Are you trying to super-scare all the regular people at home watching into complacency? Oh, boy, best not stray too far from the path oft traveled less I meet some "mongrel" like Llamas and...well, nothing will happen to me, directly, but my exotic boytoy will def get murdered. Which, I don't know, doesn't really sound all that bad now that I think about it. Elizabeth Taylor seems fine. I'll just get another Latin Lover. This time he will be Cuban. Or, dare I say it, Mexican. However, I will not be able to tell the difference. (-imagined thought process of audience members from 1953-2014)

Closing note on this mess: I definitely felt like people hated Llamas because he was foreign. Powell's character def called him a mongrel, like for real, to his face. He said some other shit, too, that seemed a little...anti-Latin swag. But then they revealed Llamas was in the mob and I had to roll my eyes at the movie attempting to override their previous racism while coming off more racist in the process. Good job; just kidding. I don't think I actually understand what the fuck the purpose of a closing note is, but it almost certainly wasn't this. Like, did I just posit a legitimate topic of concern, that could have had a full-length essay written about it, in like two sentences at the end of a long ass ramblethon full of nothingness??? Good job just kidding part deux. Part dos for any of you mongrels reading.