Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 2, The Truth About Emanuel/Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes/The New Neighbor??? (2013)

Sigh.

Where...to begin. 

I guess, I'll start with saying I'm a fan of Kaya Scodelario. For why? Because of Skins, I guess. Right? Like I really loved Effy. For any non-horrifying reasons? No, of course not. But she was definitely one of my fave characters from that messy show. Number one was probably Cook, right? Oh my god I have so many problems. But anyway I love Kaya now and I'm making the terrible mistake of following her career. Well, maybe it's not--It hasn't been that terrible in that pretty much the only thing I've seen of hers outside of Skins, besides this mess I'm going to talk about today, is Wuthering Heights, which has become one of my favorite movies. I don't think that being a Kaya fan is going to be that bad. It's not going to be an Amanda Seyfried situation, I don't think. And the piece of shit I'll be discussing in this post is...not that...it's at least an interesting concept? Like, it's a terrible movie, but...it's not terrible in a run of the mill thriller or romance sort of way. I mean, there's a fake dead baby, so. 

Let's begin! So I was saying all that scatterbrainy stuff about Kaya to attempt to explain my initial interest in this movie: Kaya was in it. So I had to watch it. ARE YOU KEEPING UP??! I had no idea what this movie was about, but I figured since it was showcased at Sundance (I think) it at least had to be sort of interesting. Right? UGH. I mean, yes. I do think...they had...some...intriguing elements. I felt the movie had potential, buried very very deep deep deep down. And, I appreciate it. I appreciate the potential and even the effort. However, you've all failed. Everyone involved. No, that's not fair. No, but it's true lol. You failed. Ya blew it. But two Steve McQueen obviously faux-sincere airclaps for trying. 

So Kaya plays some bitch named Emanuel. Apparently "Emaunel" is a boy's name. YEWNEEK. Emanuel has her name tattooed on her arm because...so...if she...gets separated from...something...they know?? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I guess if she winds up drowned or some shit they can identify her body? But bitch, are you forgetting about sharks? Come on. Anyway, Emanuel's mom is dead. And I guess this explains why she's basically Daria?? Why she's doing a really try-hardy impersonation of Daria? But sorry, all you reminded me of was this shitty fucking Hilary Duff vehicle I saw once where she planned to kill herself on her sixteenth birthday or some shit. Like, I swear to god this was basically that same exact movie except no Evan Ross' widow peak in sight. And that's a damn shame. Don't be...worse than a ~Hilary Duff vehicle~, okay?? 

So Emanuel is motherless but I don't know what her fucking problem is because she has Chicken Alfredo Molina as her daddy and Frances O'Connor's super cute ass for a stepmom. Also she has cool clothes and cool French music and a cool job working at a medical supply store where Jimmi Simpson's cute ass 

(i needed an excuse to post)

plays her boss. WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, EMANUEL?? WHY ARE YOU LIKE SUPER CYNICAL AND MOODY WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND DID I EVEN GET AROUND TO MENTIONING CUTE ASS TRAIN BOY??

LOOK AT HIM. THIS IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SORT OF. HE HAS ONE DIRECTION HAIR AND I THINK THE ACTOR MIGHT BE FRENCH??! UH, HELLO! CHEER UP, BITCH!!

But the movie wants to sell me that Emanuel can't get the fuck over herself because her mommy died. UGH, FINE. Enter scene: Jessica Fucking Biel. 

Justin Timberlake's wife plays the new neighbor. Please lets address the fact that when we first see this bitch she is moving in to her new home AT FUCKING NIGHT. I've never moved anywhere lol but...is it common for people to be moving in at night? It just seemed really off and odd right away. But Emanuel, instead of being like, who is this weird ass bitch with the bangs creepin' in to a new house in the middle of the night, is intrigued by Justin Timberlake's wife. BLAH BLAH MOTHER REPLACEMENT BLAH. This bitch has a kid. Emanuel starts babysitting it. 

So, the first time Emanuel goes over to bebesit it's weird because JT's wife doesn't give her any directions or anything. Emanuel asks to see the baby but JT's wife is like "she's sleeping don't want to wake her up blah blah". Emanuel is like "what if she wakes up?". JT's wife is like "baby monitor - you'll be able to hear her if she needs anything". Hmm, do babies talk, bitch? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP AND I HEAR IT CRYING??? JT's wife does not answer this very pertinent question; she dips off to run errands or some shit. LOOK. I knew right away something was up with this bitch and this baby. I decided pretty immediately that Jessica Biel was carrying around a baby corpse. And I was very very annoyed that it seemed this movie was trying to make me think...that the baby was real? Or, you know what, maybe they weren't. Maybe they wanted you to suspect something weird was up, but OH BOY was I so annoyed waiting for them to reveal what the situation was. I feel like it took them longer to reveal it than they actually did, but omg I could not fucking stand to see her walking around with this baby that I thought was obviously very fucking dead. 

Like when JT's wife is FUCKING BREASTFEEDING IT. 

LOOK AT THIS. In the movie it's worse. First of all, the top of the baby's head is sooooo fucking creepy and freakish. Like, the hair. It's all diseased-looking and shit. AND THIS BABY IS FUCKING LIFELESS AND YOU NEVER EVER HEAR IT MAKE ANY NOISE. When I saw her sitting here with this fucking baby I was like NO GOD NO PLZ STOP OH MY FUCKING GOD. I was getting super upset. I can't even remember--I think this was definitely before Emanuel found out what the fuck was actually going on. And what was going on?????

THIS^

^THIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I laughed, I cried. In case you're a fucking idiot, in case you are this movie, that's a goddamn fucking baby doll. A DOLL. And can we please--WHERE DID JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S WIFE GET THIS SHIT? WHERE IN THE FUCK DID SHE EVEN BUY THIS??? The doll is soooooo fucking ugly and gross-looking. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITS HAIR? It looks like it has fucking Lyme disease. This fatigued-looking ass fucking doll - I can't. I won't. And the scene when Emanuel discovers it's a doll is so...I don't know. I don't know which word to choose. Is it funny? Creepy? Horrifying? Pleasestop.com/no??? All of the above and then some??? I'll choose funny, looking back on it, because seriously when she's looking at this mess in the crib it's lying prostrate. Prostrate but in a crib. It looks dead and I'm like GOD PLEASE STOP NO because I'm thinking Kaya is nudging a fucking bebe corpse. BUT NO, BECAUSE SHE TURNS THIS SHIT OVER AND IT'S SOME FUCKING OLD TIMEY ABANDONED VICTORIAN CHILD GHOST'S PLAYTHING. ugh, wtf. Why, movie, why???

AND THEN. Jessica Biel walks in on Emanuel discovering that her ~baby~ is some shit she got out of the irregulars bin at Toys"R"Us. But probably likelier one of those shittier toy stores. Does KB Toys still exist? Then that one. When JT's wife walks in on Emanuel being horrified about Jessica Biel's entire existence, she just...acts like nothing's wrong. OH MY GOD I THINK SHE STARTS LIKE CHANGING THE BABY'S DIAPER OR SOME SHIT AND DRESSING IT AND OH MY GOD SHE'S SAYING THINGS LIKE "YOU'RE SO WRIGGLY TODAY" AND ALL THIS CREEPY MESS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD and Kaya is just standing there like 

*SHRUG* (needed an excuse to post, but also basically)

Like Kaya tries to do ~~shock~~. But NO. Doing a half-assed job at feigning horror is never the reaction a situation like this calls for. An example of an appropriate response to an occasion such as this would be, maybe: BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! followed by screaming and running from the house, but not before dousing it in gasoline and SETTING IT ON FUCKING FIRE. But what does Emanuel do? She sort of makes an attempt to leave after JT's wife is like "go get a onesie for this fake dead baby slash actual doll". As Kaya is going towards the stairs to fucking leave, JT's wife is in the nursery yelling "IT'S GETTING CHILLY" or some shit like that. Like, forget the fake baby whose diaper she just seriously changed, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH YELLING AT??!? I would have left just for that alone. But no, Emanuel is a psycho-dummy and she turns away from the stairs and goes to get the monkey onesie or whatever the fuck JT's wife demanded she get. And, can we talk about how JT's wife sort of treats Emanuel like a slave? She's all like PUT THOSE CLOTHES AWAY. Um, she's the babysitter, bitch. Not the maid. AND ARE YOU PAYING HER??? Is Emanuel getting dem fuckin' chex??? Because that is never discussed and there's no way Jessica Biel's crazy ass character is on point with any payments to services she utilizes. I'm still baffled as to how this bitch got a house. SHE'S INSANE. And what is her job????? HOW DOES SHE HAVE MONEY DOLLARS??? 

We'll get to that. (Who's we'll?????????????)

So Emanuel plays along with JT's wife and her delusions because DEAD MOM, that's why. I can't...I don't even want to get into the scenes where Kaya is cradling this fucking doll and she's having ~normal~ conversations with JT's wife. I had a real problem with the fact that Emanuel was super-obsessed with JT's wife. Like, WHY? She was giving me nothing. And no, she was not maternal in any way to Emanuel. She was actually sort of cold and sometimes-rude???? And Emanuel is like YES, THIS IS WHAT MOTHER LOVE FEELS LIKE. Actually, lol, maybe. But basically the movie's explanation for why Emanuel plays along with this mess is so she can stay in Jessica Biel's world and...I don't know...ugh, project her mommy issues onto her??? ugh. Such...problems. And Emanuel is really protective of J Biel and her fucking doll. She doesn't want her parents and her beau or anyone to find out what's going on. PROB CUZ IT'S CRAZY AND YOU NEED HELP. The jig is up eventually, though, when JT's wife goes out on a date with Jimmi Simpson

who wears too-tight shirts like this to real-life work events. Emanuel doesn't want JT's wife to go out with Jimmi. Can we talk about how Jimmi volunteered to babysit her fucking kid before this date? Like, the first day he met Jessica Biel he's like *RAISES HAND* I'LL BABYSIT! No, this literally happened. Everyone in this movie needs to be sectioned. How creepy is it to just volunteer to watch some bitch's kid you don't even know?????? I get it's supposed to come off like: he's super desperate and thinks she's hot and will do anything for her, but for me I'm just getting Woody Allen tease. I can really imagine him making a movie where some stand-in of his (Zach Braff?? Jesse Eisenberg??) is trying to get some single mom (played by either Penelope Cruz or Emma Stone or some shit) to date him and he's like *TOO EAGERLY RAISING HAND* I'LL BABYSIT YOUR KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND TO WITNESS ME DOING ANYTHING. IT. WITNESS ME DOING IT. DON'T BE THERE.

lol so Jessica goes on a d8 with Jimmi. Emanuel babysits. She's like to the kid 

You're talking to a fucking doll. lol this might've happened earlier in the movie, but still. Still what? LEAVE ME ALONE.

Jessica and Jimmi come home from their date, which Jessica sort of prefaced by admitting she'd probably friendzone the shit out of him while abusing him for his babysitting services. WILL NO ONE ADDRESS HOW FUCKING SHITTY LINDA IS AS A HUMAN? Like, let's ignore her fucking psychotic lunacy. Let's push that aside. She's a fucking bitch. She has an attitude and needs to sit down lol. And she needs to do something with that fucking hair. Those bangs are a no-go, sweetie. Get that Münchausen syndrome by proxy coiffure the fuck out of here, b. 

^Look at her hair. Ugh, it's like that the whole movie. AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BABY THAT IS ACTUALLY A DOLL OH MY GODDDDD. Can we talk about how Linda probably killed her baby??? Her real-life human one?? WAIT, NO, LET ME GET BACK TO THE DATE WITH JIMMI AND THEN WE'LL GET TO HOW LINDA/JESSICA BIEL/JT'S WIFE PROB KILLED HER ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. 

SO JIMMI AND JESSICA GET BACK FROM THE DATE and Jessica wants Jimmi to see the baby for some reason? Ugh, whatever. Emanuel is like NO, DON'T. SHE'S ASLEEP. And Jessica is like "well then Jimmi will just have to be fucking quiet", but like in a jaunty way, eventho obviously the undertones are: psychotic bitch who will eat your fucking face off if you make a lot of noise and wake up her doll. Emanuel tries to stop Jimmi from going up to see the baby; Jimmi is like "I like your makeup". ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

They get up to the nursery and Jessica shows Jimmi the "baby". Jimmi's face the entire scene is my everything and I'm soooo pissed I couldn't find any pics of it when I did my lazy-ass google image search of this movie. COME ON, OTHER PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT THIS MESS. Jimmi is all like "so stiff" "so plastic". LOL I FORGET EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS BUT HE'S LIKE COMMENTING ON HOW DOLL-LIKE AND NON-HUMAN THE BABY IS AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY. I guess he thinks J Biel is playing a fucking prank on him or something lol. But then he slowly realizes she's being entirely serious and he picks up the doll like "THIS IS A DOLL. WHERE IS YOUR BABY???" And the way he's holding the baby all floppy-like, jesus christ

I just

So JT's wife ~wakes up~. She's like WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?! uggh. Jimmi and Jessica start calling for Emanuel who's been sitting on the steps listening to them talk through the baby monitor I think. This sequence culminates with Emanuel craddling the doll while Jimmi and Jessica go call the police or some mess. ughgghggh. Emanuel ends up in the hospital, the police are there like TELL US WHERE THE BABY IS! Emanuel says some crazy shit about how the baby joined her mom in the sea. jesus. Seriously, if they had been unable to contact Linda's husband, Emanuel's dumbass would've ended up in fucking jail. 

Speaking of Linda's husband! So this random white dude shows up to ~explain~ everything. It's very the end of Psycho. Like, did we really need him to come in and mansplain? Couldn't we just infer?? Because he really offered no satisfying explanation. The jist is that he and Linda had a terrible relationship, they decided to try for a band-aid baby. It took them five years to conceive, and by that time the relationship was already over. The baby is born, then shortly after it turns up dead. The dude says the autopsy was "inconclusive" and...I don't understand why the screenwriter would have included that if it weren't significant. When he was telling his story I was assuming he'd say the baby died from SIDS. He goes "Linda found her....". But then follows up with the autopsy was inconclusive thing and that "we'll never know what really happened". UM, WHAT? He's sort of accusing her of killing their baby, right? Like, their relationship wasn't fixed by the baby so Linda is like FUCK THIS and kills their kid, right????? I honestly wish he hadn't even turned up because it does not really fucking explain anything. And it almost maybe makes me hate Linda a little more? And they're trying to make it seem like Linda had a psychotic break when she lost her baby, but...if she fucking killed her kid...she was obviously ALREADY INSANE. oui?? I mean, I don't hate Linda for being insane. I hate her for having shitty fringe. And then you tell me she's a baby killer maybe and I'm just like, If she'd just get a better haircut none of this would even matter. 

Ah, well. 'Tis life. 

I think maybe I really hate The Affair???

So, should I even mention the Globes wins? Eh. I was excited for Ruth, but the show winning as a whole? No. But as I said in my embarrassing ~I took notes while watching the Globes~ post, I haven't seen any of the other nominees in the category. Like, I'd totally buy The Affair is better than House of Cards or Game of Thrones or whatever because those shows look even more try-hard than The Affair. Or, oh...is the award for most try-hardiest? Then, yeah, The Affair win was totally an upset I bet. 

So, I have a lot of problems with this show. I must mention, though, that this was one of the few shows (new or old) last year that I was watching, like, ~on time~. I don't watch anything when it actually airs, I typically wait for later to watch it on OnDemand. But so many shows I've been taking like weeks and weeks to catch up on their episodes and then oops they've already expired and now I can't watch them unless I unfreeze my Hulu account which I definitely need to do because Hulu has k-dramas and regular TV doesn't and that is what hell is. But, ugh, ANYWAY. I was excited about The Affair. I was watching the episodes pretty quickly after they aired. I was...into it. But the longer it went on the more I was like: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. This is one of those annoying shows that thinks it's way better than it actually is and...that's embarrassing. Because I'm just watching it distracted by how deep or insightful or some shit they think they're being when it's like: um, no. So many things that were supposed to have all this relevance I'm just like: Is this, like, classy Lifetime??? Like, is this that movie Leann Rimes did when she met her soulmate 4ver Eddie Cibrian? Is that this, except recast with British actors for some reason doing totally not really that good ~AmERiCan aCCent$~???? 

Remember when Alison told Noah about how her kid was dead and it was supposed to be like ~a moment~? I felt, while watching that scene, as dead inside as that kid is...outside. and inside, also. IT WAS SO FORCED. And omg before that when Noah was like to Alison: YOU WEAR YOUR PAIN ON YOUR SLEEVE. Um, yeah. YEAH. And how it was framed like he ~sees her~~~~~~~~~~~~~REALLY SEES HER~~~~~~~~~ VOMIT. I think that was the same episode and those two moments really stuck out to me as being super-bogus and I think that's when I started being like: *tilted head at all times* at the show. And that was like episode 3. And I was fighting my hate for a while. Until I think whatever episode it was when the summer ended and Noah and his horrid little family went back to the city. After that I was like, UGH, END ALREADY.

I hate all the characters. Well, maybe not Alison. I'm...I was rooting for her. But in that Tiffany/Tyra Banks sort of way. But the whole time it's like....Alison, why do you like Noah? Like, no, seriously. You're married to Joshua Jackson, who is super hot and has face scruff and you have that cool beach house and your kid is dead so you don't have that to worry about. You're livin' the dream! What does she actually see--CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE DIFFERENT VIEWS THING. HOW NOAH AND ALISON REMEMERED THINGS SO DIFFERENTLY IT WAS ALMOST LIKE ONE OF THEM WAS ACTUALLY MENTALLY INSANE (noah). What was that? It started to get real ridiculous in later episodes when they were remembering entirely different fucking events. Like, the last episode right? Where one remembers Joshua Jackson pulling a gun on himself AND THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T RECALL THIS AT ALL??? WHAT?? How...how does that work? Like, I think Noah remembered JJ threatening to shoot him. But Alison remembered JJ threatening to kill himself?? WHO JUST REMEMBERS ENTIRELY WHOLE BIG MAJOR DIFFERENT THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPENING? no. nonononnonon. No. 

(how does this turn into a shotgun plz explain)

So that was dumb. But let me get back to talking about how much I hated everyone except for maybe Alison. Noah and his entire Holocaust but in family form can go drown in a fire. Like, the wife, the...there were two random ~quirky~ little kids who thank god barely had any screentime - they can definitely die. The older son, whom I so deeply wanted to have a Getting Molested storyline - he could die just from that pretending to hang himself bullshit from episode 1 alone. AND THEN REMEMBER WHEN HE LET THAT HORSE GO?????? Fucking---I'll forgive him if it turns out he was being molested. IS IT JUST ME OR WERE THEY HINTING AT THAT???? BY THE GRANDFATHER, RIGHT?? omg. And that daughter. The writers...they were really pulling out all the stops here, I guess. Maybe...one of them has a daughter but they're too conservative or whatever to kill her. Like, we're not in Florida, you can't just kill your kid. Anyway, the daughter is...awful. It's almost comical. And what makes it even worse is how, like, doll-ish the actress is. It's very Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed maybe? Eventho Patty Mc looked like a goddamn devil, she also looked like one of those dolls. You know the ones. Those. Actually, now that I'm thinking about this, I wouldn't mind having a show just focusing on the daughter. She's a mess, and possibly that's interesting?? Maybe. Ugh, I'm totally watching season 2 even though I hate absolutely everything and apparently Noah and Alison end up together and Noah gets his book adapted into a shitty movie starring probably like Henry Cavill or some shit OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Separate paragraph for my Noah hate? I'm biased, because I sort of hate Dominic West. Hated him in The Wire, hatedhated him in The Hour (and ooooh boy @ him getting a Globes nom over Ben r u fucking kidding me); hate him in this. I don't know what it is - something. His face? I don't. His voice, the way his lips move? He's off-putting to me and I just can't get into it. Would I have liked this more had maybe Joshua Jackson played the Noah part and Dominic played Cole? Maybe??? I'm not like a JJ ~fan~. I don't care about him. He actually might actually be a not even good actor. But...I feel like if you're trying to sell me a ~great romance~ that starts building on the foundation of fucking infidelity, you're going to need to give me two leads I can really get into and ship. You did not give me that here. JJ would have been an improvement for me, but there are tons of other actors you could've paired with Ruth, who I have no criticism for. Who would be my dream-cast for Noah? Someone...less smug-looking. But I guess you sort of have to have that look for the role of like a dude who thinks he's got The Next Great American Novel in him and is slumming it as a teacher. uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh

I just, hate everything. No, the theme song. I love the theme song. I wish this show was maybe just all Fiona Apple songs while Ruth Wilson is standing on the moors or whatever staring out mournfully towards the sea? OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN THEY TRIED TO PULL AN EDNA FROM THE AWAKENING AND HAVE ALISON FAUX-ATTEMPT TO DROWN HERSELF???? puh-lease. This show is so fucking try-hard I can't breathe. AND THE, LIKE, B-STORY PLOT ABOUT DRUG SMUGGLING OR SOME SHIT???? Alright. Someone take Hagai Levi's crayons away. It's past his bedtime. And that other one. There's a woman, too lazy to look it up. But I think they were both responsible for In Treament, which is another try-hard as fuck show. But...it's at least interesting. This show, when I'm not raging over how annoyed I am, might be really boring???? Well, save for whatever the fuck is going on with Mare Winningham, who sort of quietly killed it? Yes to whatever she's doing and much more of that in seas 2, which like I said, I'll be watching because I have no self-respect. And more Elvin from The Cosby Show pretending to read Infinite Jest. Can he get a spin-off? If you do that I'll forgive you for everything else. Who...who am I talking to?? 

(no, hug me. I've earned it. I wonder if Diane Kruger said exactly this after JJ forced her to watch all ten eps of this mess. Prob.)