West Side Story (1961)

So I'm obsessed with West Side Story. I've seen it a million times and it never gets old. And I don't even like musicals like that. When everyone was talking about Hamilton I wanted them all to die. I still do. I saw Lay Miserables at the cineplex and I promise you I will celebrate the day Tom Hooper is murdered in the streets. I promise you.

But West Side Story just does something to me. It could be because it's just, ya know, actually good. But I'm not the expert on musicals. I really can't judge them objectively and say what is good and not because inherently people randomly breaking into song or *shudders* rap is, like, insane. It shouldn't be happening and I think, in general, it's bad. 

But in West Side Story it's all fine. It shouldn't be. Most of the story's main characters are gang members/"tough" street hoodlums prancing down the street like graceful gazelles. What Crip or Latin King does like pirouettes and shit on their way to a shoot-out? Pretty much none. But West Side Story will have you believe pretty much all. And you will believe, and you will like it!

So on my recent viewing I was cracking up at all the ballet and dancing. I never don't be laughing. It's so hilarious to me like these are gang members, right? But wait, now I have a new question, or like a sub-question to that: How old are these kids? Like, everyone in the movie. I noticed at some point, I think during Officer Krupke, the Jets refer to themselves as "JDs", which I refuse to look up, but thanks to my medium-good oldtimey movie knowledge, pretty sure that means juvenile delinquents. But I only just noticed that during my last viewing. The whole time I'm wondering if these are grown folk; grown ass men prancing around in the streets all day, fighting over turf. Like, literally that's all. They don't seem to be selling drugs or prostitutes or anything I guess real gangs do. These white boys and puerto ricans are literally getting big in their chest about who can hang out at the park.

So honestly that should answer my question concerning age, but it really doesn't. Everyone looks like someone's mom and they need to stop. If you even dare to tell me Action is supposed to be like 15 I'm calling the police.

 Look at these tough guy hoodlums, you guys.

 Pretty sure George Chakiris is literally Greek and not Puerto Rican even in obscura world. I am almost certain he is wearing literally shoe polish as makeup. This movie is #problematic!!!

I just noticed this random background ballet gang member Riff fake-punches in the stomach. I am so upset I didn't successfully screencap the guy smiling at Riff and he had a little dimple. Whom is this mans? He is so cute but racist and probably a nazi like the rest of the Jets so nvm lmao

Bruh, say uncle

I am a Tony STAN. When I first discovered West Side Story, I did not like Tony. I thought he was a damn geek. His ass looks like Megan Fox. He's a simp! His songs are simp ass soliloquies!!! Idk if I have matured or regressed, but I love Tony now and all his songs and his duets with Maria are my fave. Tony is too pure for this world. He just wanted to quit that gay gang, work at his lil jobbie, and be baes forever with Maria. 

"Could beeee, who knowsssss" (don't know the actual title smh) is, like, pure joy and genuine optimism in one single song. Listen, I am emo and I like sad shit. If I'm not being emo I like angry music about stabbing God or whatever. This song shouldn't be my fave song in the musical and one of my fave songs just like in general on Earth. But it is. Justice for Tony. He's a sweet boy. But a little bit of an idiot so you know he gon' die smh. I wish Riff's gay crush on Tony purified him instead of destroyed. This movie is anti-gay.

 THE Puerto Rican Princess has finally arrived!!

 That dress is really cute and Anita and Maria are my lil babies :')

 Look at Anita she's like "Look at those two DEFINITELY LATINAS :)". Look at also definitely not Indian Chico in the back like the loser fourth wheel he was always destined to be :')

I love this part when Tony and Maria first see each other. I can't believe I used to hate them lol. I still honestly have no idea if me growing to love them so much is a positive or negative. Like, there's something wrong with both of them. Maria "My Hands Are Cold" Spanish Last Name might actually be mentally challenged. But I don't care they're my ship!! :'(

This look and dress on Anita is so damn iconic. I never get tired of watching her twirl all over the place during "America".

 I'm telling you, it's something wrong with these two. They both need caretakers looking out for their best interests. Like, what are they even doing in this scene? Someone needs to come get both of them and make sure they're taking their medication. Still, I ship. Them being slow doesn't mean they don't deserve love like everyone else. The only one who doesn't deserve love is Chino, because earlier I thought his name was Chico. If you can't even make me remember your simple ass name you just need to quit and go back to your Indian gang and stop fucking playing in people's face!

 I ship Riff and Bernardo as friends. Not even in a shitposty sort of way. Like, I just feel they would be friends if not for the whole "Go back to Puerto Rico, you dirty pig" thing! Plus, Bernardo called Riff...maybe a Pollock or something?? Which is totally just as bad!!

    

  Lmao, this was funny. Me in a gang, tbh.

 If I was a character in West Side Story, I'd be this guy yelling at the Jets to shut the fuck up. 

After COULD BEEEEEEEE, WHO KNOWSSSSSSSSS, "Cool" is my fave performance. "America" used to be my fave song. Who am I now? Idek. I honestly feel like I'm regressing lmao, but Cool is so lit to me. Plus ICE is a motherfucking zaddy. PERIOD!!!! I love the message of the song. But I feel weird about it because like two people have just been murdered, so it's like awk. Plus the Jets are nazis so it's like yike.

 Lmao when Anybodies asks what she can do and ICE tells her to stick to the shadows I was like "aw" then he says you did good buddyboy and Anybodies weird, terrible ass is all Thanx....DADDY-O. Bitch, if you don't get your neva gonna get married too ugly butt tf up outta here!!!!! This why they not lettin' you into the gang smh!!

This movie makes me SICK!! I honestly feel sad (not in a joke way) that Tony and Maria can't be together and that Chico's friendzoned ass killed Tony so he couldn't live long enough to become like an emotionally absent husband and father to Maria and their inevitable super-hot children!! It's BULLSHIT!! 

My favorite thing about the end is how everyone's hands are all over the murder weapon, and how you know Chino is going to be sent to the electric chair with no type of investigation, and honestly, it's what he #deserves.

Additional random out of context notes:

-Anita saying to Maria: "Boy, after a fight that brother of yours is so healthy". Excuse me, what?
-Tony and Maria singing all loud on the fire escape thing right outside her parents' window????
-When Maria tells the cop some made-up dude named Jose was the one her brother was trying to fight at the dance. Natalie Wood's face in that scene is a shitpost lmao
-Omg, when Tony goes to meet Maria at the bridal shop it IS SO STINKING CUTE!!! He is so excited!!! :((( Tony and Maria really are idiots tho lol
-Tony was a former gang member lmao??? They imply Tony has helped the gang out multiple times in fights and stuff? Tony? The one from this movie with his shirt open and shit??? Girl, I guess.
-Where ARE THE BLACK PEOPLE??? Not realistic, sis!!!
-Tony going around yelling "Maria" in a city full of Puerto Ricans like some dumber ass Cinderella
-"Puerto Rico is IN America now" - Bernardo, a woke king
-"It's when I don't look that it happens". Is Anita OK??

Problematic Fave: The Long, Hot Summer (1958)

I really love Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. Like I'm borderline obsessed with them. I think being borderline obsessed with someone is, like, not mailing them your pubes. Like, I'm not that weird haha. But lowkey Paul Newman dying was my 9/11. It was super-devastating and I didn't think I'd be able to go on after that. But at least Joanne is still alive. She better outlive me or I'm gonna be pissed. And is she still acting? Hello! Can Wes Anderson or some similar freak pick her the fuck up and put her in some shit?? Where them weird-ass French directors at when you need them? They always seem to be interested in older actresses. Come on what's the fucking hold up! 

So anywaaaaaay this already super problematic post is a good start, I think, to a post about problematic shit. This movie, in particular. I really love this movie because of Joanne and Paul, and if they weren't in it I would hate this shit, because seriously this movie is a mess. It makes me uncomfortable. A lot of movies from ~back in the day~ make me feel uncomfy. Particularly whenever there's a black character. Because jesus @ every black character in movies not played by like Sidney Poitier. He was like the only black nigga who got any real respect pre, like, 1975. So cringe at all of that. The Long, Hot Summer definitely has unfortunate black characters, but it's the way this movie sees women that makes me really uncomfortable. It's hella misogynistic. Like, ugh, so many movies from this time period, so it's not like it's anything new. I think it just bothers me more here because it's sort of egregious and I like this movie and I want to not? Lol, it's not even a good--like, it's not like I like the movie as a whole entity, it's honestly all about Joanne and Paul for me. But liking something like this for any reason makes me want to die. Because I'll have to keep rewatching due to my like for it and I'll have to cringe every time at so many cringe worthy elements. Why do I have to be like this?? 

So the movie opens with a bar burning and it's high-drama right off the bat and it's very knock-off Tennessee Williams right out the gate and it stays that way the entire time. You don't want to be knock-off Tennessee Williams. Like, he's sort of bad enough. Don't get me wrong, he pulls it off, but like only him. Not you, William Faulkner. Not you. Though, maybe the cheese and overwrought Southern belle in distress, ripped-open shirts melodrama is more from the director than the source material? Okay, possibly. So maybe I'll hold off on shading Willy Faulk, as I read zero of the stories this movie was based off :) Because reading :') Like are you offensive graffiti inside a disgusting park bathroom stall?? :) Then why would I :)

So whatever. These townspeople are accusing Paul's character, Ben Quick, of being responsible for the barn bruning. Some old dude is like, "We can't prove ya did it, but you best get out of town, anyway - or else!!" Lol, what are they going to do? They can't even properly investigate a crime - there's no way they can get it together enough to punish Ben in any real way. But ok, Ben leaves. He's already packed for some reason? Please tell me why this nigga is walking around in a sweaty ass shirt and dirty ass suitcase with the clothes hanging out?? And please tell me why when he arrives in the next town or whatever he hops off that cargo boat into the water and gets all his shit wet - like who is this animal? Lol could you be making a worse impression on whatever new people you're about to meet? 

So he's hitchhiking and he continues to look like an untrustable sort of character. I mean, I'd pick him up cuz he's hot. Hmmm, or maybe not. His eyes are sort of scary and embalmed. Lol, they're like translucent. Nah, you're a lizard. Joanne and Lee Remick's characters, Clara and Eula, are riding down the road in a car presumably. Joanne doesn't want to stop for Ben because she's a bitter old twenty-three year old super-old bittery bitter spinster old old old. But Eula, super-pretty and full of life and boobs or whatever, tells Clara to pull over for some nigga actually named Ben Quick. Your name sounds like you specialize in premature ejaculation porn. Like does any1 even need to know about the barn-burning stuff? Like I all need to hear is Paul Newman being like "Quick, Ben Quick", or however douchey way he says his name, and I know I need to be on the exact opposite end of wherever this nigga is ever standing. 

Okay quick quiz. Guess which one is the bittery old as fuck twenty three year old spinstery spin spinster???? I don't get how Clara could be bitter with those cunt ass art hoe aesthetic baby bangs. Like they're amazing. And her fucking eyebrows are you serious fam. Like her whole look is killing it and, you know, anger and bitterness sort of goes with the theme. Like she probably doesn't even care about being perpetually unfucked - it goes with her fucking aesthetic hello this is art, honey!! 

So Ben gets in the car because Eula made Clara pull over and pick him up. Like I get it, but also I don't. He looks suspicious but also he's Paul Newman - such a dilemma. Well, not for Eula, who is super-bubbly and all Southern Belle-y, but like a sort of progressive Southern Belle? Like she admonishes their town, and really relishes in this slutty aesthetic she's giving off. So Eula's pumped for the male company; Clara not so much. Right away she's irritated with Ben and like doesn't even speak to him for most of the ride but then Ben makes a comment about how they must be a couple of fun time gals and Clara tells him in her snappy, sort of acidic way not to get any ideas. Then when they drop him off at the town square or wherever, Ben is barely out of the car before Clara just speeds away. Like, I love her immediately and never want her to give in to Ben's advances which is a terrible sort of mindset to be going into this film with, as you know eventually she will. And it'll be sort of gross?? 

Ben goes to ask the townspeople about work. What a world this movie is set in. Ben just pops up in some random town like "yeah whatever I'll just be here now", asks around about work, tells people his name even though he's infamous for being a supposed barn burner, shows up to the house of the man that owns the town and just walks right up and is like "give me a job" and gets one???? lol okay. Like, again, I get it, because he's Paul Newman and has that fucking face and all that charming ass shit going on, but there's a limit to attractiveness and charm, right? Lol, there has to be. Like you can't just be a well-known supposed arsonist and people are just like *shrug* "There he goes" and also "Let me give this nigga a job". Like he's hot, in too many ways, you know?? Haha that was just some arsonist-related humor for you right there. 

When Ben goes up to the Varner house, he runs into Clara out on the porch talking with her desperate ass friend. Before Ben arrived, they were both sort of lamenting about being single as fuck spinsters forever. Her friend is such a sad-o like "All my friends from high school are already married and post pics of their hubby and kids on Facebook all the time ack ack ack" and "I'm single as fuck I'll take anyone like I'm the type of individual who'd write love letters to Scott Peterson in priz cuz he's so dreamy heart eye emoji lol". It's crazy that they're talking this way. Like, Clara's friend says fake-optimistically "We're both still on the green side of 25" or some shit and I'm like "????????". You're under twenty-five years of age sitting around dreaming about being married and having a bunch of ugly fucking kids??? Since when??? Omg Clara's friend is like "I'm so bored!! I just want to go home to a husband and boil him some disgusting steak and look at our disgusting kids and maybe there's some flavorless sweet cream in the ice box and then after we eat dinner at six o'clock I want to sit around waiting to see what the night unfolds. Probably nothing, but maybe something!!! But probably nothing tho lol!!" Like I wanted to cry @ everything she was saying it was horrific. And it made me uncomfortable that Clara wasn't like turning her face up. It was annoying I couldn't see on her face that she was mentally unfriending this bitch in her head. However, after this scene, we never have to see that bitch again, so maybe Clara did unfriend her, and I am so happy. Omg! I'm forgetting she's the sister of that momma's boy ass freak Clara is...dating??? REMEMBER HOW SHE SAID SHE WONDERED WHAT SEXUAL THINGS HER BROTHER THINKS ABOUT AND THEN FANNED HERSELF LIKE SHE WAS HOT AND BOTHERED??? What kind of...

Should I talk about Clara's "boyfriend"? Like, I don't want to because omg maybe everything about his character is super homophobic???? Like he's clearly gay. If not, he's 100% involved in a disturbing incestuous relationship with his mother and/or sister and why is this the only nigga Clara can get. Lol, like, this movie shades her the entire time and I just don't understand. Like, is the movie punishing her for having convictions and shit??? For having desires beyond like, boiling steak for some ugly dude with no Netflix account?? I don't get how this movie/people in the movie even treat her. Like Clara has a job as a teacher and is cool and strong or whatever - like, why is everyone so desperate for her to get booed up, and why is even Clara secretly deep down super-desperate for that, too?? She's twenty-three!! This movie is insane!!!

I'm upset. Let me post that pic of Paul Newman with the watermelon

Yes, gooooood. 

So blah blah Ben gets a job on the Varner estate, but only because Jody, the son, doesn't know anything about him. Anyway, Jody is super-preoccupied with being all over his wife, Eula. The real head of the household, Orca Whales, is in the hospital. When he comes home and finds out Jody hired Ben, he sort of goes off. Because he knows about the Quick name. Let's talk about Orca rq. 

........Why does he look like this??...

...Wha...

1. Why is he brown? Is it supposed to be...like...redneck blackface or something? I am so confused.

2. Why are his eyebrows at 10 when I need them to be at at least a three???

3. Why is he wearing a robe in like hundred degree heat? EVERYONE in this movie is super-sweaty like all the time why the fuck is he walking around in Santa Claus' house clothes outside in the summer Southern heat?????? 

4. Why is he so loud/extra. Why is he here *puts my hand super way up* when I need him *lowers my hand way down* here?? Hm???? 

Orca is super blustery. He's all loud and Big Poppa this Big Daddy that. I want to throw up?? He hates his son Jody because he's like weak or unfocused or not as fat as him??? (???) Also lowkey it seems like Jody maybe is a bastard or illegitimate? Whatever, I don't care about Baby Boy's whiney ass daddy issues. Like, you're a grown man, get it together. Orca's relationship to his daughter is different in that it seems he actually...doesn't actively hate her like he does his son lol. Nah, I don't even think he hates his son, he's just like a bad dad?? Like, totally. Because all he wants for Clara is for her to get married even though she's only twenty-three and has other things going on in her life. Like, he barely regards her as a human being. Clara even asks him, like, "hello do u see me as a person or nah?" and he sort of ignores her and is like MARRY THAT QUEER OR MARRY BEN EITHER WAY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. Like, who she marries doesn't even matter just as long as she hurries the heck up and does it??? Wtf. And Clara doesn't even like Ben and hello! He's a known supposed arsonist!! Don't you have any respect for your daughter at all? What if he tries to set fire to Clara, hmm??? Or does that not matter as long as her obit says she was survived by "husband....etc"?? You're a mess and this movie is a mess and I want Ben to burn everything to the ground. Wait should I talk about how Ben isn't even a barn burner?? Well...he never straight comes out and denies it, he just says his dad did it a lot when he was a kid. So I just assumed that's how he got the rep. But maybe Ben did some, too? Lol like that's...never cleared up...

So whatever, Orca super-wants Clara to get married. She's really into that momma's boy Alan, but Ben is making a bunch of moves on her. Also Ben is really immersing himself in her life and her space and stuff which is not creepy at all. Like he gets promoted to a job as a clerk at a Varner store just because Orca wants him to marry Clara. BUT LIKE JUST BEFORE HE PROMOTED BEN WASN'T HE SCREAMING AT JODY FOR HIRING A BARN BURNER??? Like, consistency, I beg of you. 

So whatevz. Ben gets a job at the store and Orca is all obsessed with him like "I like yew!! Yew got spunk!! Yew ol' barn burner yew!! MARRY MY FUCKING DAUGHTER AND PRODUCE AN ASSEMBLY LINE OF CHILDREN SO THERE CAN BE A BIG PARADE AT MY FUNERAL WHEN I DIE." So Ben & Clara get this sort of antagonisty, love/hate relationshit brewing. Ben is sort of gross and predatory. Clara is pretty explicit about her distaste for Ben. She thinks he's crass and too much like her loud ass daddy, who's probably the type of dude you sit next to on the train or bus with his legs spread out really wide. Unless you have elephantiasis of the balls, close your fucking legs this is a personal PSA from me close ur damn legs u small dicked bitches. Ben says gross shit like, "When a lady says no she pretty much all the time always means yes". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmminterestingmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmthat's really fascinating ben pleammmmmmsemmmmmmmmmmtell memmmmmmmmoreeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This whole "no means yes" thing has been 100% debunked by now, right? This movie was set in the fifities, I believe, so maybe ppl were still buying into that ideal. But honestly, Fifty Shades of Grey exists in this modern era, so idk if we've really evolved at all. But let me say right now that "when a woman says no she really means yes" has 100% never been true ever. Women are taught to be submissive and meek and shit, so if a bitch is gathering up enough "manly" courage to say no to something, it's because she fucking means it. But enough of my feminist gobbledygook, amirite?? Like why can't I just shut my stupid feminist cunt-shaped mouth up and enjoy the film, hmm???? I'm not even sure we as the audience are supposed to be accepting 100% everything Ben says. I see little instances that make me think the audience is supposed to at least be waggling their finger at him like,"wrong move there, ol' sport"...maybe? Like the 1950s audience understands women have a mind of their own. But also they agree that women, at the end of the day, need to be told what to do and have their decisions made for them. So maybe a woman like Clara is independent enough to reject advances and offers from a gentlemen caller. It is up to that gentlemen caller to push past all that rejection, all those constant nos, and keep badgering and beating down on this bitch until he gets a yes. She doesn't even have to say yes, she just needs to be weak enough to submit :))) I definitely don't think the audience is supposed to be on Orca Whales' side, though, right? He's portrayed as being sort of a tacky, old-school brute, and I think his obsession with Clara getting married is supposed to make him look out of touch and sort of like the bad guy. But.........the ending??? I don't...know...how I feel. LIKE OKAY. I shipped Ben & Clara. I did, even though Ben made me uncomfortable with how he pressured Clara and made all those comments about her spinsterhood and how he knows she just needs some good dick and all that gross stuff. They had good chemistry and Clara was definitely attracted to him so idk sigh. I wonder in real life, though, if being attracted to someone is like enough. Would she and Ben get on longterm? Especially if he expected her to be a proper wife? Though some stuff at the end, like the little speech he gave Orca, makes me think he finally came to recognize what a great, whole woman Clara really was? But also I remember him 100% ignoring Clara's big speech at the picnic/fair thing. Like she said all that shit and then he was just like "no matter where you go, or how you dye your hair, I will find you" like...okaaaay...did you listen to anything she said about how she's an amazing woman and wants a whole bunch of shit out of life? You're just like "yeah yeah yeah try to hide from me by dyeing your hair black and watch me catch you, bitch!!!"

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE OR WHAT THE MESSAGE IS. Is there a message? It might simply just be a movie about an unfucked twenty-three year old who's about to get un-unfucked by the new guy in town played by Paul Newman and possibly he burned up some barns, but definitely he'll be burning up some loins. Ayo...murder me.