West Side Story (1961)

So I'm obsessed with West Side Story. I've seen it a million times and it never gets old. And I don't even like musicals like that. When everyone was talking about Hamilton I wanted them all to die. I still do. I saw Lay Miserables at the cineplex and I promise you I will celebrate the day Tom Hooper is murdered in the streets. I promise you.

But West Side Story just does something to me. It could be because it's just, ya know, actually good. But I'm not the expert on musicals. I really can't judge them objectively and say what is good and not because inherently people randomly breaking into song or *shudders* rap is, like, insane. It shouldn't be happening and I think, in general, it's bad. 

But in West Side Story it's all fine. It shouldn't be. Most of the story's main characters are gang members/"tough" street hoodlums prancing down the street like graceful gazelles. What Crip or Latin King does like pirouettes and shit on their way to a shoot-out? Pretty much none. But West Side Story will have you believe pretty much all. And you will believe, and you will like it!

So on my recent viewing I was cracking up at all the ballet and dancing. I never don't be laughing. It's so hilarious to me like these are gang members, right? But wait, now I have a new question, or like a sub-question to that: How old are these kids? Like, everyone in the movie. I noticed at some point, I think during Officer Krupke, the Jets refer to themselves as "JDs", which I refuse to look up, but thanks to my medium-good oldtimey movie knowledge, pretty sure that means juvenile delinquents. But I only just noticed that during my last viewing. The whole time I'm wondering if these are grown folk; grown ass men prancing around in the streets all day, fighting over turf. Like, literally that's all. They don't seem to be selling drugs or prostitutes or anything I guess real gangs do. These white boys and puerto ricans are literally getting big in their chest about who can hang out at the park.

So honestly that should answer my question concerning age, but it really doesn't. Everyone looks like someone's mom and they need to stop. If you even dare to tell me Action is supposed to be like 15 I'm calling the police.

 Look at these tough guy hoodlums, you guys.

 Pretty sure George Chakiris is literally Greek and not Puerto Rican even in obscura world. I am almost certain he is wearing literally shoe polish as makeup. This movie is #problematic!!!

I just noticed this random background ballet gang member Riff fake-punches in the stomach. I am so upset I didn't successfully screencap the guy smiling at Riff and he had a little dimple. Whom is this mans? He is so cute but racist and probably a nazi like the rest of the Jets so nvm lmao

Bruh, say uncle

I am a Tony STAN. When I first discovered West Side Story, I did not like Tony. I thought he was a damn geek. His ass looks like Megan Fox. He's a simp! His songs are simp ass soliloquies!!! Idk if I have matured or regressed, but I love Tony now and all his songs and his duets with Maria are my fave. Tony is too pure for this world. He just wanted to quit that gay gang, work at his lil jobbie, and be baes forever with Maria. 

"Could beeee, who knowsssss" (don't know the actual title smh) is, like, pure joy and genuine optimism in one single song. Listen, I am emo and I like sad shit. If I'm not being emo I like angry music about stabbing God or whatever. This song shouldn't be my fave song in the musical and one of my fave songs just like in general on Earth. But it is. Justice for Tony. He's a sweet boy. But a little bit of an idiot so you know he gon' die smh. I wish Riff's gay crush on Tony purified him instead of destroyed. This movie is anti-gay.

 THE Puerto Rican Princess has finally arrived!!

 That dress is really cute and Anita and Maria are my lil babies :')

 Look at Anita she's like "Look at those two DEFINITELY LATINAS :)". Look at also definitely not Indian Chico in the back like the loser fourth wheel he was always destined to be :')

I love this part when Tony and Maria first see each other. I can't believe I used to hate them lol. I still honestly have no idea if me growing to love them so much is a positive or negative. Like, there's something wrong with both of them. Maria "My Hands Are Cold" Spanish Last Name might actually be mentally challenged. But I don't care they're my ship!! :'(

This look and dress on Anita is so damn iconic. I never get tired of watching her twirl all over the place during "America".

 I'm telling you, it's something wrong with these two. They both need caretakers looking out for their best interests. Like, what are they even doing in this scene? Someone needs to come get both of them and make sure they're taking their medication. Still, I ship. Them being slow doesn't mean they don't deserve love like everyone else. The only one who doesn't deserve love is Chino, because earlier I thought his name was Chico. If you can't even make me remember your simple ass name you just need to quit and go back to your Indian gang and stop fucking playing in people's face!

 I ship Riff and Bernardo as friends. Not even in a shitposty sort of way. Like, I just feel they would be friends if not for the whole "Go back to Puerto Rico, you dirty pig" thing! Plus, Bernardo called Riff...maybe a Pollock or something?? Which is totally just as bad!!

    

  Lmao, this was funny. Me in a gang, tbh.

 If I was a character in West Side Story, I'd be this guy yelling at the Jets to shut the fuck up. 

After COULD BEEEEEEEE, WHO KNOWSSSSSSSSS, "Cool" is my fave performance. "America" used to be my fave song. Who am I now? Idek. I honestly feel like I'm regressing lmao, but Cool is so lit to me. Plus ICE is a motherfucking zaddy. PERIOD!!!! I love the message of the song. But I feel weird about it because like two people have just been murdered, so it's like awk. Plus the Jets are nazis so it's like yike.

 Lmao when Anybodies asks what she can do and ICE tells her to stick to the shadows I was like "aw" then he says you did good buddyboy and Anybodies weird, terrible ass is all Thanx....DADDY-O. Bitch, if you don't get your neva gonna get married too ugly butt tf up outta here!!!!! This why they not lettin' you into the gang smh!!

This movie makes me SICK!! I honestly feel sad (not in a joke way) that Tony and Maria can't be together and that Chico's friendzoned ass killed Tony so he couldn't live long enough to become like an emotionally absent husband and father to Maria and their inevitable super-hot children!! It's BULLSHIT!! 

My favorite thing about the end is how everyone's hands are all over the murder weapon, and how you know Chino is going to be sent to the electric chair with no type of investigation, and honestly, it's what he #deserves.

Additional random out of context notes:

-Anita saying to Maria: "Boy, after a fight that brother of yours is so healthy". Excuse me, what?
-Tony and Maria singing all loud on the fire escape thing right outside her parents' window????
-When Maria tells the cop some made-up dude named Jose was the one her brother was trying to fight at the dance. Natalie Wood's face in that scene is a shitpost lmao
-Omg, when Tony goes to meet Maria at the bridal shop it IS SO STINKING CUTE!!! He is so excited!!! :((( Tony and Maria really are idiots tho lol
-Tony was a former gang member lmao??? They imply Tony has helped the gang out multiple times in fights and stuff? Tony? The one from this movie with his shirt open and shit??? Girl, I guess.
-Where ARE THE BLACK PEOPLE??? Not realistic, sis!!!
-Tony going around yelling "Maria" in a city full of Puerto Ricans like some dumber ass Cinderella
-"Puerto Rico is IN America now" - Bernardo, a woke king
-"It's when I don't look that it happens". Is Anita OK??