Everyone Is Terrible: Transparent Season 1

So it took me forever to finally get around to watching Transparent. Primarily because I refuse to pay for an Amazon Prime subscription eventho I'm constantly ordering shit off there and it would just be economically wise for me to have one. But would it be spiritually? NO. So I continue to just steal a few days here and there so I can watch their little shows and the shittiest Anthony Perkins movies I can't find anywhere else. Like, of course Amazon Prime has that weird Jekyll and Hyde movie he did and that grainy ass movie with Charles Bronson that looks like it was shot with a fucking cardboard box with some broken dollar store sunglasses used as the lens. Is this getting too specific? Anyway, I digress. That happens a lot. I think I have ADD. But whatever, who cares, we'll all be dead soon. Fingers. Crossed!!

Do I like Transparent? Idk. I ~*~binge-watched~*~ the whole thing in like five hours. I mean, it was only ten eps. But I specifically remember having some shit to do that day (lol okay) and ignoring those priorities and just watching Transparent instead? I mean, I decided to do that before I even saw the first episode so I don't think that says anything about the quality of the show or my level of interest in it, I'm just a lazy ass procrastinator who takes any and every excuse to avoid responsibilities! Cuz I'm a piece of dookie! Sort of like every character on this show and it all comes around full circle yess!!!! 

I think I do like the show, but why is everyone the absolute worse? Like, everyone. Maura, too, right? I feel we're not supposed to think Maura is the worst, but there's...just something about her. Like when she was in her support group thing and she said her kids were "so selfish"...how fucking tone deaf and non-self aware can you be? If your kids are selfish...it's cuz you raised them like that??? And let's not even talk about you being super-pumped about Ali not having a bat mitzvah just so you could go to that weird tranny summer camp. But sigh, Maura's not really that bad compared to her kids. BUT SIGH AREN'T THEY LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF HER? Or are we to mainly blame Judith Light? I feel comfortable mainly blaming Judith Light, but, come on, can Maura take some responsibility??? 

Okay, so who's the worstest out of the three kids? They are all so. fucking. horrible. but...Josh. Like, definitely Josh, right? He's so skeevy and gross and just awful. With his ~*~love addiction~*~ bullshit. Would he or would he not have fucked Bianca if ol' girls had not come home, hmm?? And who smokes WEED DRUGS with A CHILD and goes like half-way skinny dipping with them? Lol I'm trying to make it sound way more egregious, but gah he is so inappropriate and nausea-making. Like fucking that girl he was managing. First of all she looked barely legal, and it's just not cute or poppin' to be smashing some bitch whose career you're meant to be guiding and protecting, but OKAY.

And the rabbi! I love Kathryn Hahn so much and she's so cute and omg here as a rabbi she's adorable and so sweet and precious and I want to throw up at how thirsty she was acting for that Josh peen. Like, Josh is cute and definitely played by the less-annoying, clearly underrated Duplass brother, but he not that cute, and he's still played by a Duplass brother, so. Like, I'm sure there are way cuter Jew boys in ol' girls church that she could be checkin' for, why she so souped on Josh? He looks like he has a small dick and would make her kill all the spiders if they went on honeymoon to Australia. There's no way I'm fuckin' with a nigga who would make me kill all those monstrous-size ass wolf spiders in the OZ. Come on, rabbi girl, do better. 

Is Josh the worst because he was molested by that babysitter and no one did too much about it??? Are we supposed to accept that he was mature enough to make the decision for himself that he wanted to fuck that grown ass woman? Wait how old was she when they started up? She was at least in her twenties. Mmnn. 

Wait let's talk about how I thought Josh was gonna fuck Bianca and it'd be like this cyclical thing with him abusing a child like how he was abused but this show pussied out and it didn't happen?!?!?! Even when she went to go stay with him?!?!?!? Um, okay. And why does Bianca's fast ass have to be black?? Hmm?! So she can appear ~sexier~? Smh @ this show using black people as like sexual props. 

And now segue to Ali! 

So Ali tryna get a threesome in with those two black dudes doesn't make her "the worst". Wait hold up! I'm so annoyed this show keeps pussying out on shit. YO I WANTED TO SEE THAT SHIT GO. DOWN. And how like cliché that the dudes got weirded out by her saying they really wanted to fuck each other. Lol as if they would've really stopped like that. Smh, come on, come on now!! 

So Ali is the least-worst kid to me, but when I was reading about the show on imdb everyone was all like "omg kill Ali". What? Kill Ali? Nah, kill Josh, kill Sarah, kill fucking Len and Syd and fucking Maura and that ugly butch lesbian drag king. Wait...let me evaluate. Is Ali really as bad as all those imdb keyboard thugs were implying but I can't see it because I'm so blinded by my undying love for Gaby Hoffmann??? Okay let me see!! 

Sooooooooo Ali is basically a character off Girls, maybe a little older. She's like Gaby's actual character on Girls mushed into like Hannah annnnnnd, idk, Jessa?? Adam?? Girl, idk. But she'd def fit right on in there. I, as an entitled millennial, am too deep in the eye of the storm to see how horrible, I guess, these types actually are. So I can't give Ali any "the worst!" points just for being like, lazy, unemployed and aimless. Bro, she's ~finding herself~, give her some space, allow her to prosper and flourish into a beautiful flower and/or cumbersome garden weed! 

Ali was wrong for how she did Syd, maybe? Lol like she's def a not-good friend to her. When she said she wanted to do mushrooms with those black dudes instead of Syd eventho Syd got her the drugs I was like "...yikes." Feelin' mad awkward for Syd lol. So Ali in general is definitely a user and that's sort of dickish. And then when Syd...basically confessed her love for Ali...ssssssss lol. Um, okay. So, idk what sort of response you're even supposed to have to that. If your ~best friend~ tells you they're in love with you, but you're not in love with them, what the hell are you supposed? to? say? Like, thanks? Idk, man. And then Ali was already in a bad headspace because SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HER OWN FUCKING BROTHER WHOM SHE FOUND OUT SYD WAS FUCKING BEHIND HER BACK. Syd is the worst one here for fucking her homegirl's man, imo lol omfffggggggg. 

Is Ali "the worst" because she's in love with Josh? lol omg I just cannot. deal. I don't feel any type of way about her saying that shit to the rabbi because it was all true and that rabbi needed to learn. THOUGH, it looks from promotionals of the show that ol' girl will still be with Josh so clearly she didn't fucking listen. Sigh. Anyway, I don't care that Ali talked shit about Josh to her, Josh doesn't deserve that rabbi idc I am team not here for that fucking relationship. Josh deserves Ali. Ali is in Josh's league. His stupid ass needs to stay in his lane. And this brings me back to being pretty solid that Joshy is the worst of all the kids eventho Ali had the audacity to throw money at Maura as if this bitch got herself a job working the panini press at Arby's or something. I...don't recall...any scenes...showcasing Ali...acquiring employment...so.............

Ugh I haven't even discussed Sarah. Sigh, I don't want to. Siiigh. Okay sigh. Sooo Sarah reunites with her old college girlfriend and shit pops off. Can we just talk about Melora Hardin real quick? I lovvvveee her as Tammy, she fuckin kills me. When she said she was used to people being jealous of her with a straight ass face? Omg that was maybe my favorite moment from the whole show she is the best and my queen eventho I lowkey hate her and definitely lowkey hate Sarah and all their mess :')

So whatever, Sarah cheats on and then eventually leaves her husband, Len. I don't really feel any type of way about that because Len has an annoying look. I don't like his face, and I don't like the way he talks. Rob Huebel can be douchey on Human Giant but he cannot and will not bring that mess over here and expect me to care about his character in any way at all whatsoever. I did think Sarah was douchey for how she handled things, but I was more annoyed with her for being so thirsty over Tammy. Like, this is your first tribbing experience in what? Twenty years? Calm down. How do you know you love this ho? Maybe you're just souped the sex is good? And, I mean, who is really tryna marry Tammy? Why do you look like a brined and leathered Justin Beiber, hmm? Is Sarah for real? She's mad cute, she could get any lesbian bitch. She could have a whole harem, like, let's all just calmmmm downnn with the rash permanent ass decisions. Like just make Tammy's bossy ass one of many harem girls, Sarah, come on, so stupid :') So tragically dumb :,))

Mmmm eventho I think that Sarah is a dummy, and agree with Maura that she is selfish, I don't find her to be "the worst". Wait, is she less-worse than Ali, my fave? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think Sarah is just more annoying to me, but lowkey Ali is prob worse than her. Like, at least Sarah is not tryna fuck her brother. You can tell Ali grew up on Clueless ;)

:(

Hmm, anyway, what have I done? Idk. You know who's not the worst but the best? Judith Light. She's the best thing here, right? Can her ass get more screentime? She's better than everyone and I don't understand why we really only saw her in her little condominium talking about Vitaminwater and trying to kill her husband. I mean, that was great, but more! Maybe now that her husband is dead we can see her dating! Hmmm, I feel like I'm just asking for this show to give me a reason to hate her. Like Shelly dating will be really bad, right? We'll find out more why all the kids are the way they are?? Sigh, I don't want to have to like Maura more than Shelly. Maybe...maybe keep Shelly in the back prob. The less known, the better maybe. Lol no I am just kidding more Shelly less everyone else except Ali :) Fix this show to how I specifically want it :') Please no scenes with Josh's kid :) I see him in promotionals and I'm not happy :) No one cares about the kid Josh had with the babysitter who raped him :')

Variety (1983)

Huh. Why did I watch this? Let's see: I was stealing three or so days of Amazon Prime before they realized my card wasn't good, and perusing their free video sectch. I hate the way I use these streaming sites. Like, there are always movies I know I want to see: like new releases I never got to see in theaters, or like classic films I've been meaning to get around to for a while. And I'll be on amazon video or netflix or whatever seeing those movies right in my face: like, oh! that Polish film that won the Oscar! Need to watch that! But I'll like...not? Like, not watch it?? And then go looking for other shit??? Hmmm, why is this? Because I almost 100% of the time end up watching something super horrible that makes my stomach hurt? I mean, probably that Polish film would make my stomach hurt, too, but shit, at least that mess won an Oscar! If something is going to give me the bubble guts, can it at least be prestigious? Can it have some clout and Roger Ebert gave it two desiccated corpse thumbs up from his tomb?? Can it not be some weird ass, probably should've never been made, but hey!: the eighties! movie such as Variety??? 

Anytime I ignore something I know I want to watch and go searching for some bullshit, I always end up watching some mess about a woman exploring her sexuality or going on some ~*~sexual~*~ odyssey~*~ which reveals absolutely nothing suspicious about me!!! The description for Variety was something like: A woman discovers her sexuality blah blah blah. And then words such as like "stark" and "brave" and "raw" were used, I think, as a brief review of the film. Lol. Man. Idk. Variety is not like...an overly bad enough film for me to entirely discount it. I can see how...someone could view it as a..."brave" film or whatever, I guess? I mean, this came through in 1983. Like..idk, weren't movies like this already being made in the seventies? Or was that only the foreign directors?? I might be feeling some type of way because I'm watching this shit in 2015, and I've seen like every Lars von Trier film, you know? I'm sitting here watching Variety basically laughing??? And like, I think this movie is supposed to be serious? Or maybe it was a black comedy of sorts and I was....I mean....sigh. THOSE SCENES when Christine was describing porn scenes to her sort of boyfriend? Lol, like????

Okay. So this movie is about some boring ass white bitch named Christine. The movie starts out with her like at a gym or she's gone swimming or something, and in the locker room after doing her workout she's talking to this bitch--her friend, I guess??--about how she's unemployed. I think Christine is a writer, but she can't find magazine work??? The friend tells her...idk, the friend ends up getting Christine a connect at this porn theater. The friend doesn't think Christine will like the job, but Christine's unemployed ass is thirsty, so takes it. So I'm thinking: okay, Christine will start working at this porn house and, idk, become addicted to it??? Get really into sexxxy.....shit?? No, what does this ho do? She becomes obsessed with this old ass dude who frequents the theater? Like, he buys her one of those vending machine cokes I think, and it's not even a can? It's in a tiny paper cup??? And then I guess he takes her to a baseball game?? But abandons her there?? So she begins stalking him???????????????? And then in between stalking this old ass porn addict, she...is hanging out with this way hotter dude who seems to be her sort of boyfriend? And she's being weird and giving him super-detailed play-by-play of the movies they run at her theater? I????? Okay????? And the dude is so freaked out like 

Christine why are you doing this??? Why are you saying these things?? Lol she's so bizarre. AND THERE'S LIKE NO SEX STUFF IN THIS MOVIE?? 

I think the description of the movie mentioned how this film like explores how women really are about sexuality or something? Or like implied this movie was more "true" to how women are regarding sex. If this movie was "true" they'd just have some bitch in a dirty robe in her apartment with a mexican pizza from Taco Bell furiously masturbating to lesbian porn, or Supernatural wincest fanfic. Not! Some ho! Stalking some ugly ass old dude! Who only bought her a coke! In! A! Paper! Cup!!!! But okay! You want your props because...idk? Christine is some skinny, "pretty" white bitch, doing something "beneath" her by working at a porn theater, and then, I guess, choosing not to fuck her cute manfriend, but instead lusting after some old dude who's possibly in the mob but if he is in the mob he is clearly no one important cuz he has time to be lounging around at porn theaters all day. Okay. You want your props because this shit is ~weird~ and ~unexpected~ and no one is a hunk, or like, Harry Hamlin. And like, women don't just want boring regular cute dudes, they want ~*~variety~*~. They want fucking Paul Sorvino or whatever. Okay, girl, I guess. 

In summ: Whatever the point of this movie was probably clearly went over my head. I mean, I at least know it was about female sexuality. There were scenes with these other women in the film talking about their experiences with men and sex and I could see some sort of comment was being made, I guess? But honestly I learned noth--Like if I were someone creepy (I am) trying to like, get inside the clitoral mind or whatever of women, this movie would teach me absolutely zero things?? Except maybe that if a woman is really really bored she'll stalk the shit out of some douchey looking oldhead so she can break into his motel room and steal a porn mag out of his briefcase??? Enlightening. Is this film about female sexuality, or psychosis? Do the two go hand in hand?? SHIT DID I JUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT?!?!?!?!? 

No.