Variety (1983)

Huh. Why did I watch this? Let's see: I was stealing three or so days of Amazon Prime before they realized my card wasn't good, and perusing their free video sectch. I hate the way I use these streaming sites. Like, there are always movies I know I want to see: like new releases I never got to see in theaters, or like classic films I've been meaning to get around to for a while. And I'll be on amazon video or netflix or whatever seeing those movies right in my face: like, oh! that Polish film that won the Oscar! Need to watch that! But I'll like...not? Like, not watch it?? And then go looking for other shit??? Hmmm, why is this? Because I almost 100% of the time end up watching something super horrible that makes my stomach hurt? I mean, probably that Polish film would make my stomach hurt, too, but shit, at least that mess won an Oscar! If something is going to give me the bubble guts, can it at least be prestigious? Can it have some clout and Roger Ebert gave it two desiccated corpse thumbs up from his tomb?? Can it not be some weird ass, probably should've never been made, but hey!: the eighties! movie such as Variety??? 

Anytime I ignore something I know I want to watch and go searching for some bullshit, I always end up watching some mess about a woman exploring her sexuality or going on some ~*~sexual~*~ odyssey~*~ which reveals absolutely nothing suspicious about me!!! The description for Variety was something like: A woman discovers her sexuality blah blah blah. And then words such as like "stark" and "brave" and "raw" were used, I think, as a brief review of the film. Lol. Man. Idk. Variety is not like...an overly bad enough film for me to entirely discount it. I can see how...someone could view it as a..."brave" film or whatever, I guess? I mean, this came through in 1983. Like..idk, weren't movies like this already being made in the seventies? Or was that only the foreign directors?? I might be feeling some type of way because I'm watching this shit in 2015, and I've seen like every Lars von Trier film, you know? I'm sitting here watching Variety basically laughing??? And like, I think this movie is supposed to be serious? Or maybe it was a black comedy of sorts and I was....I mean....sigh. THOSE SCENES when Christine was describing porn scenes to her sort of boyfriend? Lol, like????

Okay. So this movie is about some boring ass white bitch named Christine. The movie starts out with her like at a gym or she's gone swimming or something, and in the locker room after doing her workout she's talking to this bitch--her friend, I guess??--about how she's unemployed. I think Christine is a writer, but she can't find magazine work??? The friend tells her...idk, the friend ends up getting Christine a connect at this porn theater. The friend doesn't think Christine will like the job, but Christine's unemployed ass is thirsty, so takes it. So I'm thinking: okay, Christine will start working at this porn house and, idk, become addicted to it??? Get really into sexxxy.....shit?? No, what does this ho do? She becomes obsessed with this old ass dude who frequents the theater? Like, he buys her one of those vending machine cokes I think, and it's not even a can? It's in a tiny paper cup??? And then I guess he takes her to a baseball game?? But abandons her there?? So she begins stalking him???????????????? And then in between stalking this old ass porn addict, she...is hanging out with this way hotter dude who seems to be her sort of boyfriend? And she's being weird and giving him super-detailed play-by-play of the movies they run at her theater? I????? Okay????? And the dude is so freaked out like 

Christine why are you doing this??? Why are you saying these things?? Lol she's so bizarre. AND THERE'S LIKE NO SEX STUFF IN THIS MOVIE?? 

I think the description of the movie mentioned how this film like explores how women really are about sexuality or something? Or like implied this movie was more "true" to how women are regarding sex. If this movie was "true" they'd just have some bitch in a dirty robe in her apartment with a mexican pizza from Taco Bell furiously masturbating to lesbian porn, or Supernatural wincest fanfic. Not! Some ho! Stalking some ugly ass old dude! Who only bought her a coke! In! A! Paper! Cup!!!! But okay! You want your props because...idk? Christine is some skinny, "pretty" white bitch, doing something "beneath" her by working at a porn theater, and then, I guess, choosing not to fuck her cute manfriend, but instead lusting after some old dude who's possibly in the mob but if he is in the mob he is clearly no one important cuz he has time to be lounging around at porn theaters all day. Okay. You want your props because this shit is ~weird~ and ~unexpected~ and no one is a hunk, or like, Harry Hamlin. And like, women don't just want boring regular cute dudes, they want ~*~variety~*~. They want fucking Paul Sorvino or whatever. Okay, girl, I guess. 

In summ: Whatever the point of this movie was probably clearly went over my head. I mean, I at least know it was about female sexuality. There were scenes with these other women in the film talking about their experiences with men and sex and I could see some sort of comment was being made, I guess? But honestly I learned noth--Like if I were someone creepy (I am) trying to like, get inside the clitoral mind or whatever of women, this movie would teach me absolutely zero things?? Except maybe that if a woman is really really bored she'll stalk the shit out of some douchey looking oldhead so she can break into his motel room and steal a porn mag out of his briefcase??? Enlightening. Is this film about female sexuality, or psychosis? Do the two go hand in hand?? SHIT DID I JUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT?!?!?!?!? 

No.