Grave Encounters (2011) in shitty screenshots I took while watching it on Youtube

"one of the scariest most memorable films of the year" lol okay movie poster. Well, iono, honestly, what was going on in 2011? Lemme go bing "horror films 2011" and see what the competition was. 

Wow okay, so

bing.com tells me Insidious came out that year. Insidious is corny and lowkey terrible, but it's def miles better than whatever the fuck Grave Encounters thought they were doing. Hmmm didn't see Super 8, or Scream 4, those movies are probably equally as terrible as GE. Fright Night was trash and entirely non-scary, so if it was supposed to be, lol. It was def a better movie than Grave, but that isn't saying much. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was actually good, but that is a comedy all the way through come on, bing.com, what are you playing at. The Thing? Hmm The Thing was genuinely trash. Worse than Grave Encounters trash? No, because at least the cast was attractive. Everyone in Grave Encounters was Canadian and one of them was wearing a fucking toupée, so, again, they take the L.  

Final Destination 5? Lowkey Final Destination movies are always lit, even when they are super terrible, and star that nice guy fedora character from Masters of Sex. Hmmm Hobo with a Shotgun. You would think Grave Encounters could best a movie with that basic, obvious ass title, but alas, that movie was better than GE. And not subjectively. Objectively less worse. Next! Attack the Block--yo, real quick, who decides what is considered "horror"? THE SHIT HAS TO BE SCARY. What is scary about Attack the Block? Yung Denzel's wooden ass acting? Shout outs to John Boyega, doing it big in Hollywood!!! Also shout outs to Grave Encounters, who stays losing, because in no way is Grave Encounters scarier or more memorable than Attack the Block, which isn't even a horror film, and the lesser Treadaway brother is in it. Cum on. I Saw the Devil? That mess, which actually qualifies as a horror film eventho it's more action-y than horror, is LEAGUES ahead of Grave Encounters in every category, but maybe it doesn't count because it's a Korean film, but no cuz GE is a Canadian film and Canadians count way less than Koreans, everyone agrees. Didn't see Black Death or Red State but let's just decide Grave Encounters loses eventho one of those movies is directed by Kevin Smith which should be an automatic loss, however at least he is not from Canada. He is from New Jersey, tho, so...I mean...it's not Canada!

Apollo 18? T R A SH. Annnnd I think we've stumbled upon a movie worse than Grave Encounters - jackpot!! But...hold on. Perhaps not. At least Apollo 18 had astronauts. What does Grave Encounters have? Houston Gray? Houston we have a problem. Grave Encounters takes the L yet again :(

Didn't see: Stake Land, Priest. Saw: The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), The Roommate, The Rite, Red Riding Hood, opening credits of The Ward before getting disgusted by the cast list among so many other things and turning it swiftly the fuck off. 

Movies that are really bad but somehow not worse than Grave Encounters: The Roommate, The Rite, Red Riding Hood, The Ward eventho I turned it off so fucking quick at least that movie stars Amber Heard and anyway this was my 2nd attempt watching Grave Encounters, I turned this off two seconds in the first time so when I try to watch The Ward again bet it'll turn out better than Grave Encounters eventho that movie stars Amber "married to Johnny Depp when he isn't even cute anymore and is always wearing those bracelets like he is some teenage cutter" Heard. 

Movies that I didn't see but are probably better than Grave Encounters because I need them to be for the purpose of this petty ass roasting I'm attempting: Stake Land, Priest. Isn't Paul Bettany in Priest? Exactly. P Betts is the truth! Who's in Stake Land? Nah, lemme not bing.com that cast. Shiloh Fernandez might be in that. If Shi-fern is in that...the point I'm trying to make will still be made! Nothing is scarier than Shiloh Fernandez being in your movie. 

Movies that are better than Grave Encounters, and everything else: The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). That movie is so not as respected as it should be. True classic lol

Didn't see but prob better than Grave Encounters because at least *insert me reaching to continue being mean as hell for no reason*: The Divide, Shark Night, Hostel: Part III. 

Movies that came out in (2010) so wtf bing.com: A Serbian Film.

Movies that came out in 2010 and are so bad and have an entire adult human being fucking a baby in the ass but so what at least it's not Grave Encounters: A Serbian Film.

Movies I saw that are so fucking horrible and tragic in every way but at least one has Guy Pearce in it and the other one has...sigh...Hayden Christensen?? ugh: Vanishing on 7th Street, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

So! IN CONCLUSION! The claims on the movie poster stating that Grave Encounters is one of the scariest, most memorable films of the year are entirely inaccurate. And maybe you want to stan for the movie and be like "It says 'one of'!". But it's not even one of. And honestly the only competition is Insidious and I Saw the Devil. Grave Encounters is nowhere near them movies, so fucking stop it. It's not even in the same league as garbage I turned off immediately like The Ward. The Ward has Johnny Depp's wife in it! Whose wife is in fucking Grave Encounters? Who THE FUCK is married to Mackenzie Gray?!!?

lol I was gonna do a whole blog post making fun of the tragic screencaps from the movie I took while watching it on youtube, but I am tired from being a bitch, so I'm just gonna post the pics without any commentary and laugh and laugh and laugh at how empty my life is :')

(sigh, lowkey I was obsessed with Houston Gray ugh why does this keep happening)

oh, this moment was actually a scary thing that happened in the film lol. Like, just this one moment. When MAIN WHITE DUDE woke up and THE GIRL ONE had disappeared in that misty fog? That was genuinely spooky. Now back to me posting these blurry ass screencaps without any commentary don't ask me why there are so many of the exxxotical in the ball cap. Omg he had like a little bit of a Jamaican accent smh I bet his mixed ass is from Ontario

....Should Grave Encounters take this L, or should I? :(

Listen Up Philip (2014)

Sigh, I love Jason Schwartzman. He's like 4 centimeters tall and has the body shape of a pillow. His eyebrows take up 74% of his face. He is...perfect?? And like he totally plays the same character in everything? Wait, no, he's totally...diversified?? Like in Slackers he played some creepy loser with a little locked room and I saw him in this movie about drug addicts where...he played a drug addict. Except he was still just doing what he usually does?? In both those roles??? And all other roles also?? But what he usually does works, so thanks!!! Thanks!!!

Here in Listen Up Philip, Schwartzenegger (ug h) plays a dick. Pretty sure J-Schwartz plays a dick in everything? But like on a variant scale. Like black on one side and white on the other and then a million shades of grey in the middle okay cool good like analogy ugh. So in Bored to Death, J-Schwartz is leaning more towards the white side on the scale (shade?). And in Rushmore he leans more black, right? Wait why do I think his character in Bored to Death is less worse than his character in Rushmore? That dude in Rushmore was a kid and J-Schwartz's character in Bored to Death was a grown human adult male playing detective for a living like that's just some shit you do. Anyway! Philip Lewis Friedman is definitely leaning black on this scale of dick. He is like way over there. But not as over there as he could be??? I mean, not as over there as I'd like him to be that's what I meant. 

Philip is a novelist. So like automatically a dick by default. It's tough to scale down from that you know? It's like okay you're a novelist, so you're punted so fast up that dick scale and then it's like...we've barely scratched the surface and bet that once that surface is scratched, only more dickish things will be revealed, for instance that you eat the non-honey nut Cheerios, or you're the type of person who doesn't flush in public restrooms. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? Philip, probably. Philip is probably one of those people? Like, he'd specifically take a huge clotty dump in the bathroom at the mall and not flush on purpose and just walk out without washing his hands because he is a dick, and that's just what dicks do. He's the human embodiment of a piece of shit. Actually, a public restroom toilet bowl full of pieces of shit. And you just know Philip can't even make proper dumps, they're just little rabbit balls. Anyway, I'm projecting. And anyway I was just trying to say that it's super-hard to not be a huge dick when you start out as a ~*~writer~*~. It's like you never had a chance. Like kids born into sewers, or Florida. 

So Philly is a book writer and idk I think his second novel is coming out? So that's nice. Wait I forgot so many things about what happened in this movie because I literally watched it a month ago and my lazy ass is only now just getting around to writing about it. Who told me to write about it? NO ONE. But I have this thing where I have to write about everything I watch which, sigh, is so hard because I watch so much unwatchable shit first of all and it's like--Actually, the unwatchable shit is the easiest to write about. Shit like Listen Up Philip, mediocre-y sort of interesting indie films, are usually the hardest. Because I like them usually, in a sort of "mas o menos" sort of way? But it's like, how do you write about something you mostly sort of okayishly liked and it was alright and had some good moments?? It's just...sigh, so much easier to write about ridiculous shit like Hider in the House. I mean, I prefer to write about mess like that. Listen Up Philip was like, too non-ridiculous enough for me. Why couldn't Philip have been way worse? Like he was a douche but it's not like he kicked any babies into an incinerator, you know? That would be a really great ~~movie moment~~. Anyway, I'm ruined. Why isn't every movie Mommie Dearest? Sigh, life is hard as hell. At least I'm not the actress who played either child or adult Christina in Mommie Dearest. Both those hoes were looking rough. Anyway, here are a few screencaps I took. There are only like five? Sigh, you can tell a movie is not pleasing me in the horrifying ways I wish to be pleased when I only take five screenshots smh

I love Elisabeth Moss and she was really cute here as usual and bringing the acting chops also as usual. She played Philip's way too good for him girlfriend, Ashley. I actually liked that the movie focused on her so extensively, I thought? Right like she had a lot of screentime after Philip left her and she was trying to put herself back together and get over him? She's great. But anyway I took this s/c because of the cat. That cat was lowkey the best thing about this movie? I mean, cats usually are. I hate cats tho, I think. In movies they're cool but whenever I see them outside in real life they're always staring like they have some sort of eye problem and I just want to know do these hoes need a recommendation for the nearest optometrist OR WHAT?!

This was funny. Had a good...had a nice, hearty chuckle.

omg I laughed at this shit for a fucking ETERNITY. One of Philip's hype ass students like asked him for a recommendation or something, right? Idk bitch but he just straight up refused whatever this girl asked for it was so funny and rude and this is why I love me some J-Schwag. ...... ....... .... .. .

Why won't God take me? Lucifer? Sigh am I gonna be the type of person who has to live forever cause neither God nor Satan's bitch ass wants me to join their squad? Sigh, typical.