Listen Up Philip (2014)

Sigh, I love Jason Schwartzman. He's like 4 centimeters tall and has the body shape of a pillow. His eyebrows take up 74% of his face. He is...perfect?? And like he totally plays the same character in everything? Wait, no, he's totally...diversified?? Like in Slackers he played some creepy loser with a little locked room and I saw him in this movie about drug addicts where...he played a drug addict. Except he was still just doing what he usually does?? In both those roles??? And all other roles also?? But what he usually does works, so thanks!!! Thanks!!!

Here in Listen Up Philip, Schwartzenegger (ug h) plays a dick. Pretty sure J-Schwartz plays a dick in everything? But like on a variant scale. Like black on one side and white on the other and then a million shades of grey in the middle okay cool good like analogy ugh. So in Bored to Death, J-Schwartz is leaning more towards the white side on the scale (shade?). And in Rushmore he leans more black, right? Wait why do I think his character in Bored to Death is less worse than his character in Rushmore? That dude in Rushmore was a kid and J-Schwartz's character in Bored to Death was a grown human adult male playing detective for a living like that's just some shit you do. Anyway! Philip Lewis Friedman is definitely leaning black on this scale of dick. He is like way over there. But not as over there as he could be??? I mean, not as over there as I'd like him to be that's what I meant. 

Philip is a novelist. So like automatically a dick by default. It's tough to scale down from that you know? It's like okay you're a novelist, so you're punted so fast up that dick scale and then it's like...we've barely scratched the surface and bet that once that surface is scratched, only more dickish things will be revealed, for instance that you eat the non-honey nut Cheerios, or you're the type of person who doesn't flush in public restrooms. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? Philip, probably. Philip is probably one of those people? Like, he'd specifically take a huge clotty dump in the bathroom at the mall and not flush on purpose and just walk out without washing his hands because he is a dick, and that's just what dicks do. He's the human embodiment of a piece of shit. Actually, a public restroom toilet bowl full of pieces of shit. And you just know Philip can't even make proper dumps, they're just little rabbit balls. Anyway, I'm projecting. And anyway I was just trying to say that it's super-hard to not be a huge dick when you start out as a ~*~writer~*~. It's like you never had a chance. Like kids born into sewers, or Florida. 

So Philly is a book writer and idk I think his second novel is coming out? So that's nice. Wait I forgot so many things about what happened in this movie because I literally watched it a month ago and my lazy ass is only now just getting around to writing about it. Who told me to write about it? NO ONE. But I have this thing where I have to write about everything I watch which, sigh, is so hard because I watch so much unwatchable shit first of all and it's like--Actually, the unwatchable shit is the easiest to write about. Shit like Listen Up Philip, mediocre-y sort of interesting indie films, are usually the hardest. Because I like them usually, in a sort of "mas o menos" sort of way? But it's like, how do you write about something you mostly sort of okayishly liked and it was alright and had some good moments?? It's just...sigh, so much easier to write about ridiculous shit like Hider in the House. I mean, I prefer to write about mess like that. Listen Up Philip was like, too non-ridiculous enough for me. Why couldn't Philip have been way worse? Like he was a douche but it's not like he kicked any babies into an incinerator, you know? That would be a really great ~~movie moment~~. Anyway, I'm ruined. Why isn't every movie Mommie Dearest? Sigh, life is hard as hell. At least I'm not the actress who played either child or adult Christina in Mommie Dearest. Both those hoes were looking rough. Anyway, here are a few screencaps I took. There are only like five? Sigh, you can tell a movie is not pleasing me in the horrifying ways I wish to be pleased when I only take five screenshots smh

I love Elisabeth Moss and she was really cute here as usual and bringing the acting chops also as usual. She played Philip's way too good for him girlfriend, Ashley. I actually liked that the movie focused on her so extensively, I thought? Right like she had a lot of screentime after Philip left her and she was trying to put herself back together and get over him? She's great. But anyway I took this s/c because of the cat. That cat was lowkey the best thing about this movie? I mean, cats usually are. I hate cats tho, I think. In movies they're cool but whenever I see them outside in real life they're always staring like they have some sort of eye problem and I just want to know do these hoes need a recommendation for the nearest optometrist OR WHAT?!

This was funny. Had a good...had a nice, hearty chuckle.

omg I laughed at this shit for a fucking ETERNITY. One of Philip's hype ass students like asked him for a recommendation or something, right? Idk bitch but he just straight up refused whatever this girl asked for it was so funny and rude and this is why I love me some J-Schwag. ...... ....... .... .. .

Why won't God take me? Lucifer? Sigh am I gonna be the type of person who has to live forever cause neither God nor Satan's bitch ass wants me to join their squad? Sigh, typical.