Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

So I guess this is PTA's (ugh) idea of a comedy. Like, this is his ~sense of humor~. I am...distraught. Paul is screaming for help but no one can hear him because he has a really soft voice. I've never heard his voice, but I imagine it's really soft. Or maybe Joshua Jacksony, where it's sort of deep but low. Okay I think I've written enough bullshit sentences to make it acceptable for me to post a bunch of unnecessary pics of him now. (nope).  

ARE YOU POOPING?????!?!!?!?

ugh freckclelelelslss ur more prone to skin cancer xoxoxox <333333

u look tired take a nap on meeeeeeeeeeeee

NO, I KNOW, YOU TAKE NAPS ON MAYA. WHAT DO YOU TWO TALK ABOUT?? WHAT DO YOUR CHILDREN LOOK LIKE SHOW ME PICTURES ARE THEY ALL HUMAN?? PLEASE DON'T EVER HAVE A SCANDAL! OR, AT LEAST NOT A CHILD MOLESTY ONE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BRING SHAME UPON YOUR FAMILY PLEASE HAVE IT BE SOMETHING IN THE VAIN OF GETTING CAUGHT ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADING YOUR OWN MOVIES. OR, IDK, PLAGIARIZING A TYLER PERRY FILM BECAUSE YOU'RE 100% CERTAIN WHITE PEOPLE WON'T NOTICE. AND YOU'RE RIGHT - THEY WON'T. 

What did this movie remind me of? Adaptation, right? Yes. Charlie Kaufman-lite. Only a little shade to PTA. Or a lot, because Adaptation is superior. But this movie isn't really like that movie, it just gave me whiffs of it. Ugh. Anyway, Adam Sandler is here and he's playing some weird ass dude named Barry Egan. Okay, let's play Doctor, but the nerdy, losery version of it. Also the non-child abusey version, if you feel me. Don't feel me. But let's, real quick, try to ~diagnose~ Barry. Maybe he has autism. Definitely he has social anxiety. He has anger issues. Probably intimacy issues. He might be...borderline? Borderline what? Like, everything, fam. Barry is trying to scam some contest thing Healthy Choice is holding, to collect a bunch of airplane miles. He buys a shitload of pudding but has no interest in even using the miles. He talks only of how "valuable" the miles are. But why do I get the feeling Barry wouldn't even like sell them? He'd just hoard them and they'd become, effectively, valueless. Like, he has various screws loose. Some of his wiring has been nibbled on. He's a shrimp cocktail short of like all of the shrimp, and instead of cocktail sauce in the glass, there's tartar sauce. Or maybe blue cheese. But most likely, chocolate pudding. Room temperature chocolate pudding. 

Barry appears to be working out of a storage space? One of those places where people hide their drug money or corpses. And he sells plungers? LOL, PTA. YOU'RE A...FUNNY GUY. No, I'm trying to h8 on PTA, but I did genuinely think the movie was funny. But like that sort of funny where you mostly just think it in your head. Certainly not guffaw, laugh-out-loud CBS comedy gold KAHMUHDEE kkkomedy funny. But, still, ~funny~. 

Like this scene where Barry smashes a bunch of glass doors at a family gathering 

and there's that framed photo of Barry over there. That made me laugh. What is that photograph? Like who took it - and why is it so cropped up on his face like that? Lol, idk. I'm nodding my head at you, PTA. Just me acknowledging you exist. Hello. 

One of Barry's thousands of sisters, played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, is trying to set him up with a woman who works in her office, played by lovely Emily Watson. It becomes obvious Emily's character Lena genuinely likes Barry - which........................I have no idea why. Like I guess he's cute, if you go for Adam Sandler (which I do, ugh), but he's a mess. And real-world awkward, not that sort of only in the movies semi-charming Michael Cera awkward. Wait is there something wrong with me if I think Michael Cera's awkwardness is "semi-charming"?? No, right? It's not like I said Jesse Eisenberg. Flat-ironed Jesse Eisenberg. 

But Lena likes Barry despite his terrible date conversation. He told like some random, unrelated story after Lena said some shit and she was like "..." but in a smiley way. Then when she mentioned some story Barry's sister told her, he kept getting all hostile and defensive. If I was on that date I would have been like "oh my hell, I left my baby in the bath!" and ran home like I had an emergency. Which I did, because of that baby I left in the bath. The truth is, it's not my baby. I don't know whose baby that is. It was cute, tho, when Barry showed up to stalk Lena in Hawaii. I think. I guess Lena had mentioned it'd be cool if they could hang out in Hawaii, but that was because Barry lied and said he might have to travel to Hawaii "for business". To sell fucking plungers, I presume??? I'm sure they have plenty meaty shits out there, so the lie isn't totally preposterous. A moment of silence for when Lena asked Barry if he was going to sell the chocolate puddings. I don't know why that was so funny to me, but it was. Like she had no idea what he did, but he might as well be a chocolate pudding salesman??? Good stuff ugh

And I guess I have to address the phone sex thing. It was just a bad idea all around from the very beginning. I thought, when he gave the woman his credit card info and social, that she wouldn't call back. He'd just have his identity stolen and there you go humor. But she, "Georgia", did end up calling back. Georgia is trying to be all sexxxy and Barry is saying all this boring shit about expanding his business and Georgia is like "are you masturbating" and Barry is like "nopesies!". I thought this scene would go on forever with him not masturbating and that would've been hilar to me, but eventually he does and *cringe*!! Then the next morning Georgia calls and I'm like oh boy. She asks Barry for money to pay her rent, he says he doesn't have it. Then Georgia became immediately aggro, threatening Barry and shit - and ultimately this leads to Philly Seymour Hoffman being on my screen!

PSH (ugh) runs this phone sex business and he sends some rednecky/Ozarcky ass goons to collect money from Barry. The way PSH's character talks about Barry is so funny. He calls him shit like "bad ass businessman" or something and I'm like "lol". And the scene where Barry goes all the way to Utah to confront Phillip is super-funny. Phillip's character thinks he's such a thug - it's like, fam, you own a mattress store. Maybe you own it. Idk, Philliam was hilarious why is he dead. Come on, Gods. There are so many other people you could've taken!! You could've taken Kevin James. He's fat and white - is that what you needed?? Take the rest of the polar bears! Take Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake! Smush them together to form one fat white horribly annoying glob! How does Heaven even work, seriously? Or, wait - was PSH a hell get? Like...is he in hell?? Did you think Doubt was a documentary orrrrrrrrrr?!