Where THE FUCK is Eric Roberts??? hmm?!!: Inherent Vice (2k14) edition

Hm, PTA??

This nigga has a character poster but only like TWO ACTUAL FUCKING SECONDS OF SCREENTIME?!?!! And he's not even fully upright. 

He's like lying back in a chair and drugged or something?!?! What is??? Like thank you for the stubble and I think he was in some weird cult outfit, which is a good look for him, but COME ON. You gave that big blockheaded nigga Josh Brolin mad screentime and at one point he was even in blackface I think (????!?!?!?) and Eric gets...blotto. I don't comprehend, PTA. But I should have known you were suspect when you cast Adam Sandler in a major lead in literally anything. How is Adam Sandler going to be your muse? Like, you only tried it that one time and I'm guessing people came for that ass, but the fact--THE FACT THAT YOU EVER TRIED IT??? And casting Mark Wahlberg in a major role also??? Like, yeah, he perfectly fit that Dirk Diggler role, but only, like, cuz he's an actual real life Dirk Diggler. And if you were gonna cast him, you could have gone cheaper and cast literally any rando porn actor???? And, trust, I've seen better acting in porn films than anything Marky Mark could slowly regurgitate up from his bowels. And when I say I've seen better acting in porn films, I mean, I've...heard about...better acting. Heard about thru ye old grapevine!

So, like, I'm not ~reviewing~ this movie. Because 1. nan didn't even know what the fuck was going on half the time, and 2. Instead of forcing my ADD ass brain to concentrate super-hard on something I'm almost pretty certain is not supposed to make sense unless you are on drugs, I was too busy being like "???? where the??? f u ??? c???K??? is ??? E-rob????? Hmmmm¿¿¿??? whe??Re?? is???? he???". So I can't ~review~ the movie because I just...don't even really remember what happened, and even if I, like, did, who cares? Because no Eric Roberts. Soooooo IRRELEVANT. 

But eventho you failed me in almost every imaginable way, PTA, with this shit, thank you for casting Joaquin again. I like him as your muse, even if you're going to make bullshhhhhiiii like this. You focus the camera really all up close on his face and that's all I really need in my life. 

CLOSE-UPS OF THEM MOTHERFUCKING EYEBROWS!!! AND THAT CLEFT LIP YESSSSS YAAAAASSSSSSS!! 

Also, the seventies look is really good for hippie-dirty ass Joaq. Everyone's calling him "Joaq" now? Right? Because of Miles Teller? I hope so. 

Also thanks for giving me that moment of ol' boy Joaq screaming at that picture of Jena Malone and her veneers' baby. This movie was lowkey funny but highkey I never reaaalllly had any idea what I was laughing at. PTA doing comedy makes me uncomfortable. But lowkey you can tell he's the type of dude obsessed with Will Ferrell comedies, and like Happy Gilmore is his holy grail. Mess. 

Alsoalso, thanks for reminding me Benicio Del Toro was alive. I didn't even think he was dead, I just forget he ever existed. Good on!