Rendez-vous (1985)

What was this? What the fuck was this? No...lemme not act brand new. This is ~Frênch Fìlm~. Literally...all french films are exactly the same. There's fucking uh....fucking. Terrible, awful characters, even (especially) the so-called "likable" and "charming" ones; there's...more fucking. Soup bowls used to drink coffee out of. Water in milk jugs. Weird old-timey looking homes and apartments. No one has storm screens in their windows; Juliette Binoche or Isabelle Huppert; everyone is white; everyone is crazy but because France it's just normal; characters are just fucking like...as personality traits; there's some weird guy with a nose; no one's hair is combed but everyone is hot anyway; pubic hair; fake-deep existentialism; casual maniacal depression made to seem like a fancy perfume commercial - this is all French Film is. There are some exceptions/wild card moments: an occasional Black; horrifically boring sci-fi mixed in with the only mildly boring fake-deep existentialism; someone acknowledges everyone hates Muslims, etc, but the formula is typically adhered to very closely.  

This is all to say I love French cinema. Can't get enough, and will watch anything they make. That is not to say I will like everything. I actually hate most of it, but I simply like to be along for the ride, even if the final destination is like, a Japanese internment camp, or an abandoned pet hospital in Chernobyl with radiating German Shepherds running around like mutated wolfbears. I just like...to experience the awfulness. Sometimes I legit like French films, but it'll happen on-accident, and usually end up being some fucked up bullshit that makes me question my entire existence. Like one time I ended up liking this movie with Gérard Depardieu and his nose and it was some shit like he and this dude were thieves? And at one point they both were breastfeeding off this woman they met/possibly raped on a train? And then they had a threesome with I think Jeanne Moreau and she killed herself?????????? And for some reason I was like YAS? Yeah it was an accident. There's no French Film that is OKAY and you can like it and feel fine with yourself. It's actually better for you to watch it for ~the experience~ and end the film "hating" (you just didn't "get it") it, because then you can still maybe feel like a good person at the end of it. Also, it's totally fine to like any film from French-Canada (it's not). They're the Degrassi of French Cinema they don't count, you'll be fine (you won't it's not okay). 

So anyway lol thankfully I ended Rendez-vous str8-up lowkey hating it. Lowkey, because I rarely have a passionate feeling either way when I end a French film. I usually just feel vaguely depressed and unmoored but not like clapping or going to jump off a building or anything. The emotion is always in-between the two whether I liked the film or naw. When I ended Rendez-vous I was mostly annoyed that 1. the subtitles for that quote they had up there disappeared too fast for me to read, so I had to rewind, and 2. when I did rewind, I like, still didn't get it? I realized I had actually read the whole quote, it's just I didn't get it? Something about wheat chafe and it grows a fruitful bounty??? I DON'T KNOW!!!  

What was this mess about? Sigh, Juliette B plays a shitty actress (shade??) who is looking for an apartment. She's supposed to be really young in this movie, like 18? She's care-free (in a kind of fake way, I think? or just French) and goes to...an apartment realtor or something? and is all like lol sew tired of sleeping on friends couches, I need an apartment! :) But like later we find out she's just been fucking her way through all of Paris and admits she hasn't spent one night alone since she's arrived?? (Girl, grôss??) 

The guy who helps her at the apartment-finder place, Paulot, is immediately in love. Cuz she's Juliette Binoche or whatever. Juliette (wtf was her character name idk who cares) invites Paulot to her play. She's a tea and chocolate maid. Like...she's terrible, right? I legit can't tell tho lol like maybe in France she is good, but she is like directly talking to the audience when she delivers her like one line so.....I don't think so? No, she's a shit actress because it's clear she's terrible when she reads later for something more ~serious~ and she's just always being lowkey dragged. So, no, she's bad.

After the play Juliette and Paulot hang out. Juliette has some bae she's living with, and he gets mad she's looking for an apartment. He reveals she's slutty (she's French, wtf did you expect??), and is yelling at her, I guess fed up with her behavior. (She's also like eighteen, so?). Juliette starts packing her bags and leaves off with Paulot.

Paulot takes her back to his place, which he shares with some guy named Quentin, who fulfills the role of Weird Guy With a Nose. Paulot says Juliette can stay on their couch until she finds a place, but Q-dog is right away hostile, makes Juliette uncomfy, and so she ends up fucking off. Paulot walks her over to a motel or something across the street. 

At first, because I could not be more predictable, I am into Quentin. He has a weird nose and looks depressed and like he lubricates his breakfast cereal with heroin juice. He's all ~dark~ and ~mysterious~. For like two seconds. I'm not 16 anymore so shit like this doesn't hold much weight anymore and as soon as he breaks into Juliette's motel room and tries to force himself on her I am like girl, I am OVER this. She beats him with her heel and he just like stalks off into the rain and I want to die and for this movie to be over TWENTY MINUTES AGO! :) Idek if at this point the movie has been on for twenty minutes, but I want it rewound to the point that it stops existing. 

For some reason, it carries on. Great.

Wtf happens? Oh, of course, Quentin threatens to kill himself if Juliette doesn't pay attention to him or some trite bs. I woulda let that nigga kill himself. Like, he's not that cute, he looks dusty, his hair is uneven, like who cares? Not me! But apparently Juliette does and I am.......so tired. 

Quentin takes her to a sex club because of course where he's playing I guess Romeo in some sex club version of Romeo and Juliet and at one point is fucking Juliet in a trapeze net or something? You know what was weird about this French Film? No explicit sex. Like, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE? If you're not going to give me Good Story, whip them dicks out, STOP PLAYING GAMES! 

I should be euthanized, but so also should whoever made this movie. So Juliette and ol' boy get to smushin' gushies. Who cares. Then immediately after a maybe cute lil sex thing, Quentin is a dick and a douche, and then he kills himself. Thank GOD! lol Praise the LORDT! 

Does the movie improve? *screaming* NO! 

Quentin dies and some old guy shows up. Blah blah turns out he's the dad to the girl Quentin killed. He aint really kill the broad. Blah blah Quentin and this chick (the old dude's daughter) starred in I guess some well-renowned play of Romeo and Juliet back in the day and became instant young successes and then apparently they felt they had done all there was to do in life (??????) and decided to kill themselves (¿¿¿¿¿) but Quentin survived? Except his bitch ass I guess kept trying to make attempts over the years blah blah finally he succeeds after fucking Juliette Binoche (shade???). 

Dumb.

So Quentin's ghost is haunting Juliette, telling her she's a shit actress and a loser or whatever (where's the lie??). The old dude is putting on a new revival or whatever of Romeo and Juliet, and trolls the play by casting Juliette as Juliet. Quentin's ghost is like Bitch, you BET NOT play Juliet, but he is not even being unreasonable, she is...so terrible.

Another part of the story is Paulot has been wanting to smash Juliette but she isn't into it? She friendzones him instantly and he's all in his feelings and then at the end of the movie when Juliette is at her utmost desperate and loneliest she finally offers her body to Paulot, which he takes, but is like spitting on her and being mean?? Sooooo. And then they go to eat and it's awkward because just before they were having that weird, horrible sex. Then Juliette invites him to her play. He rips up the ticket and you can assume the Simp has graduated to Not So Simp? I guess spitting...the spitting thing helped??...

When the spitting thing was happening all I could wonder was if Juliette Binoche was cool with that (she's French, so prob) and then also that scene when Quentin was like thrashing her?? Was Juliette the Actress, like FINE with that? I am disturbed by what maybe she went through to film this, but even more so by the thought that she was prob cool with the whole deal. How very...French.

Look, this movie was boring. I don't care about horrible things if they're interesting, but they weren't here? That is the main crime: dullness. But again, I mainly care about the ride itself, boring or not. I wish I wasn't like this. But movies, sadly, are school for me. I learn something new every day. Like for instance, in this film, I learned Juliette doesn't shave her armpits (girl me neither, I need to move to French Place), and also that I cannot tell the difference between Real French People and people who are Not French, but can speak it. Was Quentin, like, British? For some reason I thought he looked American (and really out of place), but British makes even more sense. So much horrible sense. But anyway, when will I die? 

-

Rendez-vous

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988)

So I've been wanting to see this forever because of Daniel Day-Lewis, basically. I love DDL. I don't even be liking half his movies. Like Lincoln, are you serious? But DDL's acting alone is what I'm there for. He's like Montgomery Clift for me. Not their acting styles or trajectories or anything, but just that they both share the same trait of being really good actors I love, whose movies I pretty much never do? Or, like, it's not important for me to like the movie, since I'm just there for them. Liking the movie is the bonus. Like have you ever seen Gangs of New York? It's pretty terrible, but DDL as Bill The Butcher is amazing so like accidentally the movie might be? It's the same with Lincoln, though not the same with Nine. Funny, that. 

Anyway! Unbearable Lightness was different in that: 1. didn't like it, but 2. wasn't assuaged by DDL's presence, but 3. was by Juliette Binoche and to a lesser extent Lena Olin? Like they made the movie, and DDL was off to the sideline with his suspicious hairline and accent and I was like "Who cares?" lol. So that was a first. Actually, no, that happened with Nine, too. Marion stole the show. The French bitches win again. Lena is like Swedish or something, tho. But I said "to a lesser extent" up there, so that's enough shade for today. 

So this mess is about some doctor dude who maybe is German? Let's talk about how I have no idea 1. where this movie takes place and 2. what that war stuff happening was. I am honestly garbage, but like all that was completely lost on me. Like I'm watching the movie and several times kinda asking myself shit like "Is he German?" "Is that Russia?", because I'm a simple soul. I.e.: slow.  

So DDL plays some possibly a German, but definitely a doctor, dude named Tomas. Good for him. He's some sort of player. *rolls eyes*. One of his cum dumps is (no) Sabina, played by Lena Olin. Lena's intriguing, so she keeps me from getting grossed out with the whole...thing. Eventch, Tomas meets some bar...tress...named Tereza, played by #frenchactingbae Juliette Binoche. 

Loved Tereza. Idky. Her innocence? She looked like a kitten or something. Also pretty sure she lost her virginity to Tomas? Interesting choice, ngl. Also of course her sensitive ass is the one Tomas wants to wife. His nearly falling apart at the seams dick ass sitting up here tryna lock down a seemingly untouched woman, just getting started on things. And that's where most of my focus lied while watching the film - like, getting annoyed by that lol. There's a whole war and shit going on and I'm like, "ugh Tomas is gross" lol like that's the only place I was ever in. 

I also kind of loved Sabina? ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE DIPPED ON THAT MARRIED DUDE? Idk, it was iconic. And I felt bad for her when she got the letter at the end that Tomas and Tereza were dead (spoiler alert). Like those were her people. Which is a goddamn mess and pretty disturbing, but all the same true. Anyway, still had no idea what this movie was about or trying to be about. Unbearable Lightness of Being. Is being light? Is def unbearable, but idk all about that lightness part. Maybe how fragile life is? Girl, I'm dumb as fuck. But I don't need to be smart to give a thumbs down to what I considered a fairly dry film. No offense, but this coulda been way more interesting? Like there was mad shit going on but okay. No, okay, it was interesting. But not to my specifications. Anyway I should be banned from watching films, let alone writing about them. Who let me out of the cage smh

Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Excuse me. Is this the movie Kristen Stewart won a French Oscar for? So they just don't give a fuck, I guess. I mean, it's not like they do over here, either, but they aint never nominate this bitch for no award. Maybe a razzie. Are the Césars actually French Razzies and something got lost in translation?? I don't even know if this is the movie she won for, so lemme stop talking shit. However, Kristen Stewart winning any award for acting, no matter where and for what movie, is a crime. Arrest France, they deserve it for being known around the world for acting pretentious about being musty. I love being musty just as much as the next bîtch, but to be pretentious about it? Halt.

 

Anyway, Kristen Stewart makes me uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Once, I read someone compare her to James Dean. Stop. James could work with his weirdness and used his body to command the screen, Kristen does not believe in herself and is dead behind the eyes. The only role I've seen her in where she pulled off her...eccentricities, was as Joan Jett in The Runaways. If only she could just play that role forever, then we'd be straight. But alas!! 

It was a relief when she disappeared from the movie and I could breathe with my bae Juliette Binoche. Someone who can actually act and doesn't make my eyeballs cringe and itch when she is performing. Shit even Chloë showed Kristen up, even Johnny Mars' awkward-looking ass, like honestly I was tired.

Wait, lemme try to discuss what this movie was about and stop going in on Hollywood's favorite lesbian, Jodie Foster's son. I just...I was just so annoyed. Okay so this mess is about some bitch named Maria Enders which I just realized. I'm like, why this movie called Clouds of Sils Maria? Still don't know, but have discovered Juliette's character was named Maria. smh

 

So whatever, Maria Enders is some famous actress. I suppose foreign. So she does classy prestige pics and then I guess shitty Hollywood blockbusters playing the villain. Also middle of the road, sort of actiony drama films with Harrison Ford?? The movie opens with her on a train going to give some speech to honor the dude who gave her her first big break and also I think it was her first part. She played some bitch named Sigrid in some movie or play or some shit called Maloja Snake. I couldn't figure out if it was a play or a movie. I guess a play? But it seemed like a movie? Or did she play on stage and then in the film? Probably that.   

So anyway while on the train, Maria gets news the director and writer she's going to honor, Wilhelm Whatever, has died. Fast-forward to some youngish Nazi director dude approaching Maria to play Sigrid twenty years later (side-eye). Maria says she's not interested at first for whatever bullshit reason, then the dude explains she'd be playing the character Helena, the older woman Sigrid seduces, which is implied is basically Sigrid twenty years later. Maria says she doesn't want to do it because the actress who originally played Helena died in a car accident or something and she conflates that woman's death with Helena's suicide or whatever shit, it's obvious she just has an issue playing an older version of the youthful character that made her famous.

Maria accepts the role obviously, but the whole movie she takes issue with the Helena character. Talking about how weak and pathetic she is. Kstew, playing Maria's assistant Valentine (side...eye), is always off to the side offering counterpoints to Maria's opinions. She sees most things different from Maria. Like Maria is very against the schlocky, sort of corny films famous young actress Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloë Grace Moretz, does. Like her shitty alien movie with the party city wigs. Valentine is talking all this mess about how yeah the movie might be trash, but Jo-Ann goes so deep in her character. It was like Kstew was talking about herself in Twilight, and I felt embarrassed all over again. 

Valentine also sees Helena differently. Something about how there's strength in weakness and being vulnerable, and maybe she mentioned how cold and cruel characters like Sigrid shouldn't be praised or something. I remember agreeing, primarily, with her assessment concerning Helena. I don't like Doing the Most ass characters like Sigrid just destroying shit to be destroying shit, but I also get where Maria is coming from concerning her disdain for Helena, because who wants to see some old bitch groveling after an obnoxious young thot? It's the type of theme that makes me uncomfortable anytime I watch a Joan Crawford movie. Like youth and beauty are the currency and if you're over thirty, bitch move. Go outside and die. 

But you know, this Maloja Snake play sounds like motherfucking ASS and TRASH. Sounds like straight garbage and dookie crumbs if you ask me. Sounds like some typical trite misogynistic bs. Not sure if it was supposed to come across as that? Probably but idk. Wilhelm was probably some old boring white dude writing about typical old boring white dude things. Definitely looking at the whole of the movie, how they lampooned several creative industry tropes, I am thinking they were also attacking these old pretentious white dudes and their ~famous works~. Hopefully they were dragging them, because the readings Maria and Valentine were doing looked...just awful. 

Don't get me wrong, good acting from #actingbae Binoche. Oh, and Kristen Stewart was there. But anyway, good acting from Binoche. It made me actually wanna see the play (which I thought was gonna be a movie eventho they kept mentioning rehearsals??? But movies do rehearsals, non??). 

Okay so let's get down to brass tax (is that the saying? probably not wtf is a brass tax), who was who? Was Maria Helena, or still Sigrid? Sigrid, ~twenty years later~~? Because Valentine was the one who "disappeared" on the hike. WHICH, BTW, WHERE THE FUCK THAT BITCH GO?? Maria aint report her missing? Lol how they just gon gloss over that, BUT OKAY. Was Valentine Helena? It definitely seemed to be a role reversal with Maria and Valentine, but I don't get what the movie is trying to say with it? I guess they said Maloja Snake was about how the two women were drawn to each other because they shared the same wound? Was that the same with Maria and Valentine? But what was the shared wound? Idk.......like I can't tell if I'm dumb, or the movie isn't good enough. A bit of both, I suppose. 

Okay but what was going on with the Jo-Ann Ellis character? With all her drama snd the paparazzi nonsense, and then her being a bitch to Maria at the end when she gave her an acting note? I couldn't read where they were going with Jo-Ann's character. Was she younger Maria?? Do I care????? No!!