Excuse me. Is this the movie Kristen Stewart won a French Oscar for? So they just don't give a fuck, I guess. I mean, it's not like they do over here, either, but they aint never nominate this bitch for no award. Maybe a razzie. Are the Césars actually French Razzies and something got lost in translation?? I don't even know if this is the movie she won for, so lemme stop talking shit. However, Kristen Stewart winning any award for acting, no matter where and for what movie, is a crime. Arrest France, they deserve it for being known around the world for acting pretentious about being musty. I love being musty just as much as the next bîtch, but to be pretentious about it? Halt.
Anyway, Kristen Stewart makes me uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Once, I read someone compare her to James Dean. Stop. James could work with his weirdness and used his body to command the screen, Kristen does not believe in herself and is dead behind the eyes. The only role I've seen her in where she pulled off her...eccentricities, was as Joan Jett in The Runaways. If only she could just play that role forever, then we'd be straight. But alas!!
It was a relief when she disappeared from the movie and I could breathe with my bae Juliette Binoche. Someone who can actually act and doesn't make my eyeballs cringe and itch when she is performing. Shit even Chloë showed Kristen up, even Johnny Mars' awkward-looking ass, like honestly I was tired.
Wait, lemme try to discuss what this movie was about and stop going in on Hollywood's favorite lesbian, Jodie Foster's son. I just...I was just so annoyed. Okay so this mess is about some bitch named Maria Enders which I just realized. I'm like, why this movie called Clouds of Sils Maria? Still don't know, but have discovered Juliette's character was named Maria. smh
So whatever, Maria Enders is some famous actress. I suppose foreign. So she does classy prestige pics and then I guess shitty Hollywood blockbusters playing the villain. Also middle of the road, sort of actiony drama films with Harrison Ford?? The movie opens with her on a train going to give some speech to honor the dude who gave her her first big break and also I think it was her first part. She played some bitch named Sigrid in some movie or play or some shit called Maloja Snake. I couldn't figure out if it was a play or a movie. I guess a play? But it seemed like a movie? Or did she play on stage and then in the film? Probably that.
So anyway while on the train, Maria gets news the director and writer she's going to honor, Wilhelm Whatever, has died. Fast-forward to some youngish Nazi director dude approaching Maria to play Sigrid twenty years later (side-eye). Maria says she's not interested at first for whatever bullshit reason, then the dude explains she'd be playing the character Helena, the older woman Sigrid seduces, which is implied is basically Sigrid twenty years later. Maria says she doesn't want to do it because the actress who originally played Helena died in a car accident or something and she conflates that woman's death with Helena's suicide or whatever shit, it's obvious she just has an issue playing an older version of the youthful character that made her famous.
Maria accepts the role obviously, but the whole movie she takes issue with the Helena character. Talking about how weak and pathetic she is. Kstew, playing Maria's assistant Valentine (side...eye), is always off to the side offering counterpoints to Maria's opinions. She sees most things different from Maria. Like Maria is very against the schlocky, sort of corny films famous young actress Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloë Grace Moretz, does. Like her shitty alien movie with the party city wigs. Valentine is talking all this mess about how yeah the movie might be trash, but Jo-Ann goes so deep in her character. It was like Kstew was talking about herself in Twilight, and I felt embarrassed all over again.
Valentine also sees Helena differently. Something about how there's strength in weakness and being vulnerable, and maybe she mentioned how cold and cruel characters like Sigrid shouldn't be praised or something. I remember agreeing, primarily, with her assessment concerning Helena. I don't like Doing the Most ass characters like Sigrid just destroying shit to be destroying shit, but I also get where Maria is coming from concerning her disdain for Helena, because who wants to see some old bitch groveling after an obnoxious young thot? It's the type of theme that makes me uncomfortable anytime I watch a Joan Crawford movie. Like youth and beauty are the currency and if you're over thirty, bitch move. Go outside and die.
But you know, this Maloja Snake play sounds like motherfucking ASS and TRASH. Sounds like straight garbage and dookie crumbs if you ask me. Sounds like some typical trite misogynistic bs. Not sure if it was supposed to come across as that? Probably but idk. Wilhelm was probably some old boring white dude writing about typical old boring white dude things. Definitely looking at the whole of the movie, how they lampooned several creative industry tropes, I am thinking they were also attacking these old pretentious white dudes and their ~famous works~. Hopefully they were dragging them, because the readings Maria and Valentine were doing looked...just awful.
Don't get me wrong, good acting from #actingbae Binoche. Oh, and Kristen Stewart was there. But anyway, good acting from Binoche. It made me actually wanna see the play (which I thought was gonna be a movie eventho they kept mentioning rehearsals??? But movies do rehearsals, non??).
Okay so let's get down to brass tax (is that the saying? probably not wtf is a brass tax), who was who? Was Maria Helena, or still Sigrid? Sigrid, ~twenty years later~~? Because Valentine was the one who "disappeared" on the hike. WHICH, BTW, WHERE THE FUCK THAT BITCH GO?? Maria aint report her missing? Lol how they just gon gloss over that, BUT OKAY. Was Valentine Helena? It definitely seemed to be a role reversal with Maria and Valentine, but I don't get what the movie is trying to say with it? I guess they said Maloja Snake was about how the two women were drawn to each other because they shared the same wound? Was that the same with Maria and Valentine? But what was the shared wound? Idk.......like I can't tell if I'm dumb, or the movie isn't good enough. A bit of both, I suppose.
Okay but what was going on with the Jo-Ann Ellis character? With all her drama snd the paparazzi nonsense, and then her being a bitch to Maria at the end when she gave her an acting note? I couldn't read where they were going with Jo-Ann's character. Was she younger Maria?? Do I care????? No!!
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