The Incredible Jessica James (2017)

Logged onto Netflix Friday planning to rewatch 30 Rock and crush on my thic bae Jack Donaghy when I see a banner for The Incredible Jessica James and don't care about anything on it but the little head of my #actingbae Keith Stanfield (or is it LaKeith? He's weird, I can tell now.), so I immediately watch it. Like, and not for the RIGHT reason. Jessica Williams is a black woman like me and LOOK! she's starring in a film, so that should be my reason but it wasn't. Sigh, at least I didn't watch for Chris O'Dowd. Like, AT LEAST I HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT CHRIS O'DOWD. I mean, he's fine. But IT Crowd was all about Moss and what else have I seen Chris in? Uhhh Bridesmaids? That was all about literally everyone else. So.

What am I doing please send assistance. Anyway, Incredible Jessica is about some chick named Jessica James and it opens with her on a date with some scared white dude she met off Tinder, I think? Do people really do dating apps like that? Every time I hear about these things I just get concerned for these people like aren't you afraid to be murdered or AIDS? Lol, idk maybe I'm too scary. BUT LIKE that white dude met Jessica on Tinder and decided to meet up with her and then he does and she is going the fuck in on him when all he wanted was to get some puss and maybe a grilled cheese. So people SHOULD be more concerned for themselves, smh. Like!! 

Anyway, Jessica...just broke up with her bae Damon, played by LaKeither. So...she's a mess. A part of me felt Jessica was doing entirely too much being all in this white dude's face with her fucking septum piercing. And she was mad rude base telling him she was only there because she knows her ex would be at the bar and she wanted to...make him jealous or some shit? Idk, but she's truly awful. Lol, like...right? She was mad...like annoying and just awful. LOOK, I AM AWFUL TOO so I am not judging but it was...a lot. And I don't even know if we as the audience are even supposed to be thinking that so just some squinty eye ionoboutalladis from me and now let's move on.

WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN DAMON WALKED IN WITH SOME HOMELY ASIAN CHICK ON HIS ARM AND JESSICA WAS ALL GEEZUS SHE'S HOT???? Uhhhhhhhhhh lol. Idk if it's cuz Jessica is from Ohio or she only hangs out with Noël Wells and some eleven year old kids or what but...girl, no.

So blah blah things don't work out with that white dude she was dragging for filth. Shame. Soooo Jessica is talking about her dating woes to her friend White Girl and how she misses Damon or whatever so her "friend" hooks her up with some dude she BARELY KNOWS. All she knows is that he's a recent divorcé. Girl........wheht??? WHO!!! Hooks up their friend with some old white dude who JUST got dumped by his wife? Smfh...

So Jessica goes on some date with Chris O'Dowd from Family Tree which no one watched but was funny, and she is...so completely rude and...like kind of giving me Aspergers teas or something?? Oh, also Jessica is like super-obsessed with theater (Don't care?) annnnd she works with a bunch of cute little kids in some...cute little kids theater program. Chris asks Jessica on their date how she pays rent and she responds that's her job and he is like how do u pay rent lol. And she says she lives deep Bushwick or whatever, but like, what does that theater program pay? Or, how? Didn't she say it was a non-profit?? I lowkey hate when I watch shows with young people in the city and they have some random ass job and their own apartment with no roommate. She wasn't living in like some big ass Friends-style bungalow or whatever..but cum on. Does this job even exist? Maybe but I don't think so. So here I am squinting my eyes, yet again. I do have astigmatism..

So Jessica's date with whatever his name is imma just call him Chris as a sign of disrespect, is naught gewd. However they go home together and fuck (maybe just oral). Do people........do this? This is why Usher has herpes, like we've got to be more discerning. Also, who just goes up to some white dude's house? Some white dude you barely know? I just assume every white dude is either 1. Patrick Bateman 2. Jeff Dahms or 3. Shia LaBeouf. I'm not not going inside anywhere or up some stairs with them, but Jessica said she was six feet tall so maybe she wasn't too worried.

Blahblahblah what happens? Jessica is writing some play and I think keeps getting distracted thinking about Damon? Was it weird how...she kinda made it seem he dumped her when she dumped him? I don't understand obsessing over a dude you dropped. She said she was upset because he didn't "fight" for the relationship and Damon (in her imagination??) was like...but we were already in a relationship. I don't even know if I want to put energy into agreeing with that because I believe after he said that maybe a piano fell on him?? Or?? Sigh, idk. I just don't know. Anyway, Jessica keeps getting plays rejected. Lol I've submitted plays before. I had one ~produced~ but it was some coonery, so let's move on. But just know: nothing matters.

At some point Jessica goes home to her family in Ohio. I related maybe to like...that distant feeling. Though I'm not one of those who ~*~escaped to the Big App~ to get away from them, but most just cuz I'm lazy. I guess...when we meet Jessica's family we're supposed to see she kind of rejects...Ohio (who doesn't??), annnnd like her sister having a kid young and being all loved up. Jessica has HIGHER ASPIRATIONS. SHE WILL WRITE PLAYS LIKE SARAH JAMES. There's a bit where all her fam is sitting around watching some shitty romcom all loved up I guess and Jess gets in her feelings? Why idk, but it was real funny when she dragged that duncey white broad for pretending to eat poop outta diaper, and that's all I got from that.

Jessica also has some big writing workshop she's trying to do with her theater students. Can we talk about her harassing that one girl (extremely cute, btw) who initially couldn't go to the workshop because it was her dad's weekend with her and her bro and he was taking them to Six Flags? It was awkward at best how hard Jessica was going for this. Like, getting all involved in the divorce drama of that girl's parents and not respecting that the girl might care more about spending time with her dad than being bougie with Jessica at some theater retreat?? It was just hella tone deaf and it was getting kinda scary lol like who let this broad be around children?? Idk but I did like their scenes and I loved that little ~diverse, ethnic mix~ of children. They were cute as hell so imma just ignore all that weird stuff Jessica would be doing with them :') 

Can we talk about that weird Instagram stalking sideplot? No. But I thought it was funny how Damon had like three followers. Very me. Anyway, blah blah Chris fucks his wife, Jess...weirdly..CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SHE FORCED HERSELF UP TO HIS APARTMENT THAT ONE TIME WHEN HE WAS LIKE WE SHOULD TAKE IT SLOW???? UHHHHHH. Can you imagine a dude doing that? Jessica is giving me anti-hero at best here lol, idk girl...

Blahblah the kids put on their plays. Somewhere in here Noël Wells is forced upon me yet again (Master of None war flashbacks) and I have to sit and pretend that her and Jessica's false ass friendship means anything to me. Jessica was tighter with that little girl from her theater class. Shoulda gave her the vibrator, imo, but she was already pushing her luck with that one, so nvm.

Overall I thought this was funnyish and was entertained mostly and I like Jessica Williams eventho her character was highly questionable?? Like I know I was complaining a lot (it's all I do), but I was into it. Definitely needed more LaKeither, but what doesn't? Hold on, though, because I heard this was supposed to be a TV show? Or maybe I just heard Jessica Williams had a TV deal. I hope. I feel like she has "IT". I've definitely been looking for this from the newer up and coming black actresses and I feel like she is def one I want to see in a bunch of stuff. She's been pretty successful so it kinda looks like she'll keep going at an incline, which I'm excited about. I definitely want a TV show, but mabe something different from this. Or maybe the same? Like Broadchurch or whatever, but with some black chicks. Wait, what is--BROAD CITY! Lol, smh. Anyway, make a black Broadchurch with Jessica, don't play games with me.