A part of me wonders why this movie exists. Like, why it was made. There's something weird and inappropriate-seeming about it being a thing. It has this like weird ass squeaky-clean Disney vibe, but is also the entire plot of Fatal Attraction. Very strange. But is this exactly the type of movie I like to watch on-purpose because I know it will be really freaking stupid and give me a nice, hearty laugh deep in my bones? Yes, and that's one of my top 5 favorite movie genres, so I'm not gonna complain too much. I am glad it exists, it just feels...like kind of illegal, and like I want to question the people behind the movie. Like who pitched/wrote/produced it. What's their deal? But just like I pretend the deep web doesn't exist because I'm scared, imma act like these people are normal and nice and fine and keep it moving and mind my fucking business :)
So alright, the movie stars a bunch of milk teeth white kids and they are so Hollister 2007 I can't breathe. The only one who sort of deviates from the white teeth teen aesthetic is Bella Thorne, who plays the crazy, psycho slut bitch or whatever. Bella Thorne looks mad dirty lol. This is bad to say she's mad young but every time I see her, she just looks gross. I've never seen her in anything before this so all I knew about her was from being weird on social media. I def feel like I am too old to know about this person. But there was a time I had no idea who she was. It wasn't until pretty recently I had any idea. I remember seeing all these write-ups and like pap photos of this chick and being like...who is this? I aged out of Disney shit like before even High School Musical came out, so I don't know these current corny freaks and I feel glad, but I am def annoyed I know who Bella is now. Well, not know, really. But I saw she was dissed by like Scott Disick on a yacht or something and will someone thrash me against the underside of a cliff many times, once and for all, so this can all stop happening? Thanks.
Bells was perf cast as the crazy psycho stalker bitch. The Kidz Bop Glenn Close, I guess (no). The main white boy is named Tyler (DUH) and he's new in town (WHO CARES) and he meets this JC Penney catalog model named Alison. It's true luv or whatever. Tyler has a friend played by one of those youtube boys (why are his eyes so close together?) named Who Cares, who sees Alison and is all like to Tyler ~don't mess this up, bro~~~~. Literally in the next scene Tyler is spazzing out because some dude Alison used to fuck or date is making these gross comments about her to Tyler. The dude making the comments is mad ugly lol Tyler shoulda just paid it dust. But he start going off on Alison or whatever. It's just like embarrassing high school shit.
Tyler leaves the party because him and Alison get into a fight. I can't remember if she asks him to leave or whatever it doesn't even remotely matter. Tyler goes outside and fucking Bella, playing some greasy thot named Holly, is waiting for him outside in her car. Oh, I forgot he met her in line for the bathroom earlier. Redflag for me would've been when she was talking about how she got stood-up at the party. Is it just me or is that mad embarrassing and not something you just openly talk about? Idk, I don't date, but that's not something I would think is a cute little anecdote, I would think it would make me look like something was off about me lol, but maybe I'm projecting because RIGHT AWAY Holly looks crazy. Idk if it's her strong jawline, or twelve pounds of makeup or what, but I woulda slapped a Hazmat suit on immediately after meeting ol' girl and never take it off again until I heard she was dead and buried with cement poured on top. But that's just me.
Tyler doesn't really question why Holly is outside the party in some expensive ass car. Is it just me or do these White Teeth Teen movies and TV shows always have these literal kids looking extra grown? Bella looking like somebody's thirty year old, junkie stepmom in that grown ass car, and Tyler big as shit. The only ones who looked actual teeny were Nash and ol' girl who played Alison, but also Alison had on what seemed like a weird amount of makeup sometimes? Like kind of pageanty almost? And that Asian chick looked like their fucking mom. Am I being hyperbolic? NO!!!!!
So Holly is like HOP IN! or whatever. Why does Tyler just go with her? It sucks that dudes usually never have to worry about getting murdered when they hop in cars with literal strangers. (Well, this case is a bad example spoiler alert, but you know what I mean!). Holly is like ~I want to show you something~~~~~~ and Tyler is like uh doyyyyy where are we going~?~?~?. Holly takes him to some big ugly mansion and they start fucking because of course. I'm confused, because does not Tyler have a girlfriend? Y'all have one fight and you right away fucking someone else? Even if you thought you broke up, wouldn't you think, if you loved Alison so much, there would be a great chance for reconciliation? I get these are TeEnS, but come on.
WHAT DISTURBED ME MOST about Tyler having some like fuckcation at the manse with Holly was that the movie made it seem like he was the primary caretaker for his little sister??? Right??? UMMMMM DON'T YOU NEED TO CHECK IN CONCERNING WHO'S LOOKING AFTER HER AND WHAT NOT?? I get it was the mom's ultimate responsibility, but the movie def made it seem he looked after his sister while she was at work, which he intimidated she did a lot. The movie def glossed over that so Tyler could be rolling around with Holly like they were the only two people left in the world and everyone had died and they aint have shit else to do, but okay!
For some reason, Holly acts like she's just house sitting for that mansion, when we find out later she lives there with her stepmom. I don't know why she lies. She says she lives somewhere else (I forget where who cares), but is like oh maybe I'll move here permanently so we can be together. Lol, too bad Tyler eventually peaces out and disses her stupid ass with like some condescending forehead kiss and a This Was Fun, but best be going. Like, it was clear he had no plans to ever see her again and I was fucking cackling.
Okay, so of course first day of school new year, Holly is there as a new student. Sucks, because him and Alison got back together (it literally took one like five second convo for them to clear everything up smfh) (oh btw Alison revealed to Tyler she used to let the entire lacrosse team run a train on her or whatever at her old school and she did marijuana tablets every day I guess so she moved to where they are to start over so she's a follower and a loser lowkey so some foreshadowing on that ass right there). Tyler acting all shook because he sees Holly. She literally sits her ginger ass next to him in some science class they have and tries to act all easy breezy. Then later Tyler is chillin' with his friends and bae in the caf and I think Nash brings Holly to the table like LOOK NEW STUDENT, NEW MEMBER OF THE SQUAD.
Wait, hold up.
Is this a white people thing? They literally immediately induct Holly into their squad. They don't take a second to vet this bitch. They're RIGHT AWAY making plans to hang out. ...You don't even know her?? What the fuck? Is this just weird to me? This how that Asian end up getting poisoned, BUT I'M SKIPPING AHEAD!!
So Holly hanging out with Tyler and his crew, cozying all up and shit. Tyler getting his panties in a bunch. Oh, I forgot before they started hanging, Tyler sent a text to Holly, telling her to meet him in some secret, creepy place. Of course Holly thinks it's to fuck (why??), but Tyler is like lol no, stop being creepy and don't fucking tell Alison we ever hooked up. Holly get all crazy and mad, saying she promises she'll make Tyler regret...idk, rejecting her or whatever. I have two things:
1. When did Tyler get Holly's #? I don't remember him asking for it when he left her house? This is an important detail for me to know, like he clearly didn't care about ever really knowing her like that or talking to her ever again, but okay, movie.
2. Why does Holly...feel entitled to anything from Tyler? I get she's crazy, so it's dumb to be asking questions like that, but it's just weird she's all hella upset. Okay, he pumped and dumped. That is sort of rude. People treat sex way too casually, but I'm not going to get on my midget pony about it. He is saying No Thanks, so she should accept it and keep it moving. But if she did we wouldn't have this gloriously terrible movie, so maybe I should hush.
So whatever, Holly hanging with Ty and his crew and he looking like he wanna throw up every second. You know what was weird? When Holly was randomly, intensely making out with Sid from Toy Story. Alison was looking like Lol okay. Who wouldn't be mad disturbed by that? It was really weird. WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THEY NEVER HUNG OUT WITH THE ASIAN OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL?? Lol she was prob too busy doing, you know, her actual fucking homework and not hanging out on the beach with weird, druggie looking thots, but I digress!!!!
Fast-forward, though, to that Asian expressing suspicion concerning Holly. I should....really learn her name. Grace? I took one second to look it up, so maybe? Sure. Grace. Grace is having a private convo with Alison, saying she thinks something is weird about ol' girl. Holly overhears, so poisons Grace's smoothie. Literally, Holly gets smoothies for Grace and Alison (later Grace says how this was the first time she'd ever gotten it for them), and like right after her first sip she's hemorrhaging on the ground having an allergic reaction. Holly wasn't even subtle with it.
Doesn't Tyler like right away suspect Holly of having done something? He doesn't get a real confirmation until later, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt until he talks to Grace, but once he does, why doesn't he report Holly? She literally tried to kill Grace. Lol, uhhhhh. At the very least, why didn't he take this opportunity to open up to Alison about the truth (because it wasn't that serious), and let her know Holly was a danger? Tyler was being a simp ass loser this entire movie. Like are you seriously letting all this shit go down because you smashed and dashed on a chick? You're not about this life, and should've stayed in your lane, but I guess it's too late for all that now.
I just don't understand why you would continue to allow her to keep going around your girl when you know she's a danger and insane. What are you doing?? So of course Holly ends up kidnapping Alison (what is going on) and trying to kill her or some crazy mess. I forgot how...Tyler finds out Holly is tryna harm Alison. Maybe she calls him? Sure. But once Tyler gets the call, what does he do?? He calls...Nash Grier. He..................................
He calls Nash...Gr...i..e r...
?????
WHY?! CALL THE COPS!!!!! HOLLY IS TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE!!!,! HIS DUMB ASS CALLS NASH'S EYES TWO CLOSE TOGETHER LOOKING ASS AND IS LIKE GO TO THE HOUSE AND I'LL MEET YOU THERE OR WHATEVER!! LOL ARE YOU KIDDING? WHATCHALL FINNA DO?????????????? THEN TYLER GO THERE AND THIS CRAZY THOT KILLING HER STEPMOM AND SHIT AND HANGING BITCHES FROM THE CEILING. ALL THIS OVER SOME PAPER-WHITE PENIS???! BITCH, R U SRS?!?!?!?!,
AND TELL ME WHY NASH ASS AINT EVEN DO ANYTHING??! DIDN'T HE SHOW UP AND IMMEDIATELY GET SHOT? Lol. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but I'm pretty sure he was useless and the one who ultimately took down Holly was Alison. All of this was extremely CW. The movie was amusing, though, I'd def recommend it. Lifetime for Gen Z Teens or whatever. Wait, why did I watch this...?? .....
:/
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