Call Me by Your Name (2017)

Call Me by Your Name was ROBBED at the Oscars, bitch!! Maybe, idk lol. The Shape of Water is like, good? But as I've seen people say...like, Pan's Labyrinth was better. Which like doesn't really mean anything because it's not like Pan's Labyrinth came out this year and was in competition with the other movies, nor does it mean that because a previous film of Guillermo's was better, that any subsequent films nominated for shit like, don't deserve to win? lol. But anyway Pan's Labby is better :) But like, I'm writing this in a McDonald's right now, acting like I'm a ~*~Starbux ScreenPlaY Wrìter~*~, so I shouldn't even be allowed to have opinions. 

But I'm gonna have them anyway! Try and stop me!! This is a fucking blogspot, sir!! This is lawless country!!! 

Anyway, this is why I am not even using McDonald's (Their cawfee costs a dollar..) wifi right now because I am too scared to ask and even if I get the password I lowkey barely even know what that means when you have one lol. I am pretty sure one time I tried to use public wifi @ at a fast food place. I think they gave away their password in an advertisement? I could be be wrong cuz that sounds super fucking stupid, but anyway I def tried to ~log on~ once at some fast food place and like...it didn't work? lol. I don't know how to computer. Like I'm a millennial and I barely know computery stuff. Obvi, because I am pouring my life's work into a freakin' blogspot like this is nineteen goddamn sixty five or some shit. 

Hmm I wonder if i should use this post to also talk shit about The Shape of Water, so I don't have to do a solo post for that mess. Why am I like this? Idk, but you know what was really disappointing about The Shape of Water? Ole girl never fucked that fish man. I mean, she did, I assume. But one can only assume cuz they never showed that shit!!! And you know what really grinds my gears? When you look at Guillermo you can tell that he is weird as fuck. You know what I mean lol. Obvi, because he conjured (str8 plagiarized in a whimsical way??) up this story of a woman falling in love with a goddamn science experiment. Though, idk, to be fair, the fish thing was like magical. But ole girl def indicated to the top nesting doll among many of Octavia Spencer nesting dolls, that the fish god man thing had a dingaling......... Which she saw. ........

Okay, honestly? I feel like it was worse when she demonstrated lol. Just show this bitch getting it in with this fish man so we can all move on with our lives. Le major sigh. And like I said, you can hella tell Guillermo is a freak. There's no way he does not watch hentai (lowkey can't wait for his "inspired" version), you know? The Shape of Water was like, inappropriately too sweet? I get it's supposed to be all magical, but a grown human woman is fucking a sea urchin, so. Quit playing games. That's all I ask. 

But it's weird they didn't nominate Michael Shannon? He creeped and grossed me out and totally carried that movie highkey lowkey. Like, we as the audience should prob main be focusing on a human woman getting cummed in by a fish dude? But nah, because Shannon is distracting us by slaying the screen (and ripping rotted fingers off ahhhhhhh). 

But anyway, my Best Pic pick would not have been The Shape of Water. I feel like awards season--I feel like awards season is MAD LONG. That shit starts in like fall? Honestly I lowkey feel it starts immediately after the previous one ends lol cuz I already see ppl hyping shit from Sundance or whatever. But I guess officially it starts in fall. When a bulk of the movies have trundled down the conveyer belt, and then the "big" movies coming soon in late fall and December start doing their campaigns before their shits even come out, but anyway it's too long! The Oscars, FINALLY, were given out Sunday. In March. Bitch, March. Damn near summertime and shit. And it's boring like shit because the movies that are the front runners are picked early on, so by the time we get to goddamn the middle of July when the Osckies are punted out, we already know who got shit locked down. BITCH, BORING! 

But anyway, Shape was the frontrunner for a minute. This...I wouldn't be talking shit if this didn't have so much Oscar buzz, which ultimately carried it all the way to winning Best Picture. I get why some people were being all ugly & obnoxious lol by saying Pan's was better, because that is the type of movie I could see getting the buzz and noms. That makes sense. The first time I saw Pan's I was like...wow, this is fairly unique. Now I don't talk like that lol so those weren't my exact words, but that was the energy in my heart lol. And it was good. And made me have emotions. I don't feel like Shape lives up to Pan's...quality. It's actually kind of odd to me that this movie got so much awards buzz. It's nice, it's good lol. But Best Pic out of every pic from 2017? Idk. Look I haven't seen all the movies yet. But there's just no way lol. I mean, out of the nominated 9 they had this year, Shape is maybe...third? After Call Me and 3 Billboards. Wait, I haven't seen The Post or Darkest Hour, so maybe those are in the top (there's no way lol). But I would put Shape on the same level as Lady Bird. Both cute and emotional, but the tippity fucking top of the best? Lol? Like I feel like Shape isn't even better than iTonya... Shape is def not better than Get Out, and I barely like that movie lol. But one was pretty different and seemed almost wholly unqiue, while the other was Guillermo Del Toro stealing a bunch of shit from old timey movies like his ass is wont to do. And it's just like, sis :)

I actualy thought 3 Billboards was front-runner for a minute, til it started getting closer to the Oscars and I realized, I guess? People thought Shape was the least problematic film? The movie about a woman getting mercury poison in her vagina and butt holes from some sort of fish man creature? Um, okay. Shit was really weird this year. Is this what happens when you try to get rid of all the titty gropers? Let's try to edge out the child molesters also. And also any directors who think they are so fantastic because they watched a lot of movies when they were a kid and now rehash shit they saw a million times on TCM, but it's better I guess because now we have CGI and so many people who just simply do not give a shit. Sure, your movie is great. Where is my gift bag smh.

So anyway!!!!!!!!! Call Me by Your Name would've been my Best Pic pick out of all the nommed movies. Actually, maybe just my secret best pic pick? Like maybe I would try to be objective. But my objective pick (3 Billboards)...even that isn't all the way tippy top. Idk I would prob ultimately just choose what is dear to my heart lol. Hmm now I'm realizing maybe how hard voting for these movies are? Especially when everything is so mediocre lol. No, I kid. But lowkey? Call Me is like...just your regular degular gay romance film. Is it too soon to be saying a gay romance is regular degular lol? Eye dee kay. You know, I don't even actually think this film is regular. It's lowkey amazing to me and I love it so much, but I know that is not me being objective. I love so many things that are not technically, okay films lol. I've actually been trying to decide for some time if it matters to consider the technicalness of shit, or to try to be objective. There are so many movies I've watched that I straight didn't like, but felt that they were inherently good, I just did not like them. But maybe what only matters is what hit you in your fucking chest, and that's it. And I don't care at all what everyone else says about some shit. Like the movie Blade Runner is highly praised, but I watched that shit & was like WHAT?! 

HATED IT! 

Okay?, and didn't care and kept it moving. I didn't even go through the process of being like...but i can tell this is technically proficient. Only thing that shit needed to be proficient in was hurrying up and promptly fucking ending. And it couldn't even do that right smfh.  

But anyway, why did Sufjan Stevens get like the shortest set at the Osckies??????????? EVERY PERFORMANCE WAS *Crystal LabEija voice* TERRIBLE!. And that's a fact. What's her face who looks like Rihanna? Idk, but she was the only one serving me vocals and not completely embarrassing herself. I wouldn't say Suffy was terrible, he was just giving you your usual shy gay kitty whispers on a grand stage lol. Is that why it was so short? Um, lame. Also, I wish "Visions of Gideon" was the nommed song because I like that one more. It's sooooo beautiful eventho I have no idea what it is talking about :) Never do with my baby boo Suffy. Something about video tapes, and probably masturbating to Jesus idk. But anyway "Mystery of Love" is also lit, and should've won :) I saw ppl say that Coco song made them cry in the movie? So I guess?????? Idk, but I kinda wish this song category would move to not being televised lol. This isn't the Grammy's. There's literally no reason for this shit to be happening smh. Or just nix the performances (I beg of you) but when you do the category play a lil snippet of the song so we know wtf lol and then give out their award? What does the Academy not understand? Literally every year these songs are so awful lol smh.

At least James Ivory won. Was he responsible for one of my fave gay movies Maurice? I should really look this shit up and try to be professional for once, but this is the type of blog where you kind of get the vibe maybe it's being written from a prison library? And you would not be far off, so :) But Merchant & Ivory is a thing. I'm sure I've seen most of their films. Like the stodgy, stiff upper lip and booty pics with all these erotic undertones and then someone is always gay? Or at least definitely British lol. Yeah, I'm sure I've seen every one of these shits. I liked old dude's speech, so that was one good win for the film. I was kind of hoping Timmy would pull an upset and win Best Acktore lol. That was never going to happen, but how much more likable is he compared to Gary Oldman???? Lol, so much more. I hope he stays so cute and like, surprised and happy about everything happening. Okay why is this post so long I have barely talked about my fave movie right now omg. 

I jotted some "notes" down to guide what I wanted to address (smfh) so I'll use those as a guide to end the post. (No, this isn't over!!!) 

Wait, but why wasn't Luca nommed for best director??? Is this a joke???? Okay there are only 5 slots so I'll let it pass, I guess....... But....mmm idk I was gon' go in on Greta a little lol...but idk. She did a good job directing. Honestly I would ax out PTA or Chris Nolan in favor of Luca, but I don't know enough about what the job of directing actually entails lol so imma sleep on that.

Anyway, my "notes" smh this shit is a fucking novel, bitch get a clue:

-the peach

Sigh. Elio is such a cutie pie. Lol. Wait but when he was jerking off with that peach...like  all I was occupied with was my concern for like...fruit acids on a penis? Lol. I mean, it wasn't a lemon or anything, but hmm lol. Aww it was so cute when he started crying because Oliver's weird, big bird looking ass started to eat it. AWWWWWWW SO CUTE. You know my fave thing about this movie? The intimacy, which is absent from so many movies, even the lowkey indies that purport to be so different from mainstream. I just thought it was really intimate and there were all these little...touches. Like looking at a painting and seeing all these specific strokes and different mixes of color and all these different little things added to the canvas to make it so beautiful idk lol I am not a poetic writer but I felt poetic like shit watching this mess it was so cute and tiny in a way that made it big? Okay, enough! That's enough!! 

-armie looking like somebody's dad..

Okay, lol, so a lot of criticism concerning the movie had to do with people being like PEDOPHILE? Grown man fucking little boy?!?!?!?! Lol

Valid criticism, imo. But here in this movie, people speak foreign languages, and in not-America, pedophilia is Oh-kay, so, actually, criticism NOT VALID :)

No, I'm just kidding pedophilia is not a joke lol and please don't rape kids, but I think in the movie Elio is 18 and Ollie is 24? Correct me if I am wrong and no do not tell me to Google it, I use Google's stud lesbian aunt who makes her own musty ass deodorant Bing. And no I am not bing.comming "Is it okay to like call me by your name is oliver a child molester please tell me at once" because The Eye is watching me!!!!! So no just tell me if I got the ages right!!! 

Do I think it's appropriate for an 18 y.o. lil boy to fuck Armie Hammer's old looking ass? Look. I personally feel like fucking shouldn't start til 50, when most of your hormones is deaded lol. No, but like, 18 and 24...six year difference. But in your teens and twenties, six years is a lot lol. Like okay make it 14 and 20. That's a nah, and illegal. Okay let's make it 20 and 26. Okay, better. I think...anyone who is not a teen, should not be fucking someone who is one. That should be the rule prob. But like what if you're 20 and the object of your affection is 19? Well wait til they get 20 and if it's meant 2 be then y'all dumb asses can fuck then smh.

Armie do look old like shit though. Not in like an aging terribly white person way lol, just old. Like a handsome, well-preserved forty lol. Like an albino, not as alcoholic Don Draper. And then standing next to Elio's flingy little boy ass, it was just like, sir, are you this little boy's father? Please take your penis away from him, sir. Though I gue--Wait, I was about 2 say the age difference was addressed by way of Oliver being apprehensive, but I think that had more to do with him...not wanting ppl knowing all his gay ass business? I kept forgetting this movie was set in the 80s. Ppl totally rock those fits today. But anyway yeah I guess not as cool to be gay af? Though I guess it would make sense for him to still be apprehensive and secretive today? Idk but...yeah, the age difference wasn't totally addressed lol. Idk they were Italians who cares

-oliver's ~shyness~..

So I watched this twice. Cuz I love it so much. But I noticed new stuff the second time around. Like the first time I never noticed Armie's dancing 4 sum reason?? lol. But I also noticed...Oliver always leaving off. Actually, the dad correctly identified that Oliver is shy, and also I read a review of the film before watching that was all like...Who Is Oliver?? And that was my question also for the second viewing. 

He's totally unknowable, which is obvi by design. This kinda makes me want to read the book, but if it's from Elio's perspective it's not going to give me any more answers maybe. Actually I might read it anyway, because maybe the book is even more intimate? I'm uhbsessed with intimate shit ugh.

But I'm defo watching this again for so many reasons, but I loved the family commenting on Oliver when he wasn't around lol. Especially Elio being all in his feelings @ Oliver's "L8R!". Aww poor bb. Omg but remember when it was just Oliver and Elio's mom at the table and Oliver got instantly uncomfortable and was all like "L8R!" and got up to leave? Crying laughing emoji lol. But where does he go??????????????? 

-parents

Loved the parents. The mom was all sexy and pretentious. She just like...She was all Where is my [pretentious German book]? And then just sat down and started reading aloud despite zero people requesting this????????????? It was all extra and ridiculous lol. 

& Mikey Stuhlbarg. He gets no supporting actor nom? Simply for existing? I see how shit is. 

-armie dancing...

crying laughing emoji

-pretentious AF!!

I loved how pretentious af this movie was with the fucking german book reading and piano playing and music transcribing and idk wtf the dad was or oliver lol. They looked at sexy sculpture dudes??? And there was a whole scene where the dad was talking about the origin of a language or something and Oliver read him for filth with words that, to my ears, were like pure fucking gobbledygook lol. 

Just everything was too much. But somehow, not enough? Like they should have all been walking around in the costumes from Amadeus lol, that's what I needed. But honestly? Maybe the casual, countryside Italian villa fits from the eighties juxtaposed with people talking about Liszt's version of Bach's version if he was an emo UPS delivery man, I think? Made it even better? I hate this movie & myself so much.

-dad's speech..(legit taking advice in my real life to not try 2 unfeel feelings or numb self, to avoid bankruptcy..)

Bitch, I was choking. From tears in my throat!!!! 

Wait, but what is my note lol? Idk, but the dad's speech actually helped me. Like it really shook me when he was talking about how people take these parts out of themselves to not feel and have less and less to offer with each new victim they lure into their caves. And I was like, bitch, true. He made me think it's not so bad to have feelings (smh!!!!!!). To feel is a gift (smh stopppp!!!). And to have ever loved, of course, is a gift. Obviously it hurts a lot to lose someone, or not have things go the way you want, but at least you were in there? He def said it wayyyyy better lol, but it kicked me in my chest and made me stop, like, idk, feeling bad about certain things lol. Anyway, I have the emotional intelligence of a fucking churro lol but where is Michael Stuhlbarg's recognition???? I'm fake tho because he has prob been awarded and nommed all season but all I care about is him getting Oscar love. He wasn't even nommed for the joke they call a Golden Globe though. I want answers!! 

But wait, wasn't Elly's dad lowkey shading the mom when he was all I'm jealous of you and I never had what you had???? Lol girl what? That was the only possibly false note in what he was saying because...I DON'T KNOW! But we would have to know...like..what the dad lost, and what he and his wife have and blah blah lol no point in looking too deep into it. Though it could be an opportunity to think about older people. Maybe older married people, and wonder if they are with their ~*~soulm8~*. And if not, why? And if not, will they ever be? The dad doesn't seem like the type to not go for it? Though maybe he got whatever confidence I was picking up from losing and missing out and his regrets? Which is how he was able to give Elio those soothing words, knowing exactly what to say? Sad, but still a positive in the same way Elio's heartbreak could be looked at as one. Like maybe the dad never had his Oliver, but he experienced that regret and could use what he learned from that experience to help his son? So that's cool!!!!! 

-luv elio y timothee

Um, I'm a Timmy Chalabae stan now :( I kept seeing his stans all over the place and being like what's the deal with this lil boy?? And now I know :( It's whatever honestly lol. He's so cute like a mouse but like weirdly has the voice of Shia LaBeouf??? Idk, girl, but I'm here for it. Love Timothée, and loved Elio. He was so cute and like open. Love how Timothee played this role completely, just like all the little things he did and added to the character (dunno if all his choice or director's or mix of both), but even if a very strictly-directed performance, he took good direction lol smh. Can't wait to see what else he does. 

-y can't elio y ollie be 2gether? both american, no? or cuz gay??

Didn't completely get why Elly and Ollie could not be baes??? I guess homophobia?? But...idk. Didn't they both live in America? idk, I'm really tired like this shit will not end why won't I s t o p

-the knight story...is it better 2 speak or die? she says better to speak, but is on guard (LIKE A KNIGHT???)...senses a trap...is there one? PROB

Idk, just liked this little story. But who is the princess (was it a princess?) and who is the knight? Obvi a person with common fucking sense would say Elly is the princess (duh!) and Arm & Hammer is the knight, but idk. Wait, it's the reverse innnit? What if they're both?? (MAGIC!!!) (please make this stop happening!!!!!!)

-ellie's nosebleed

What do nosebleeds signify? Being excited? I get nosebleed sometimes. Usually when I'm stressed. Also sometimes when the air is, like, mad dry? What causes dry air? All the gays sucking up the moisture???? KABLOOOM!!