Christine (2016)

So this performance by Rebecca Hall seems like a get nominated for awards type of deal? But I guess nah? I thought this was such a great role for her awkward ass and an almost to basically amazing performance? She was SO WEIRD!! Christine was out here looking like Abigail's alien-abducted ass from The Fourth Kind and I was fucking LIVING.

So because they were like ~based on a true story~ in the beginning of the movie, I was expecting something. I actually thought, because they had Christine in the beginning conducting a fake interview with Richard Nixon, that somehow she'd get really big and be thrust into the spotlight on some political news type shit idk. But as the movie goes on and on you're like.....oh...no. aint nobody letting Christine's awkward ass on no major news channel. She aint getting to lean-in to Richard Nixon. She gon' kill someone!!! That's how this gonna go! It got VERY live for me once I started getting excited about Christine killing someone smh. I thought she was gonna kill David from Six Feet Under, or that Bob guy, but she ended up blasting herself? Um. FIRST OF ALL DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Like was this for real on TV? My terrible ass is DEVASTATED that I didn't get to see something like this in real time. But yo, why was Christine so extreme? They imply in the movie she has some sort of ~issue~. Something happened in Chicago. It was quite vague and annoying. I like to diagnose characters and Christine seemed maybe like she had Aspergers? And like, if so, this was a problematic portrayal lol smh.

Who are we supposed to sympathize with when Christine does that therapy thing that George thrusts upon her? First of all, who is that exercise supposed to help? Not no one with real problems like Christine, obviously lol. I wanted to die when the girl kept countering Christine with that hippie ass ~*~change ur way of thinking~*~ bs and it's clear Christine has like one lane she focuses on. Very uncomfortable making!! That chic was like Manage Your Expectations. I felt Christine was entitled to want the things she wanted...though, I disagreed with her being in love with George because he was a douchebag and even in so many words himself, called himself a dummy, so. Also Christine needed to be way more patient? If you're a Freak you either 1. like that chick said, need to manage ur expectations, or 2. wait. Freaks have to wait for shit. That's just how it is. This is one freak speaking to another.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT how I was relating to Christine more than I wanted to? NO!! Let's move on!! WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AWKWARD SHE WAS??? When she approached that couple and was being all weird staring at them. Even I know when to wrap it up and my social skills are lost in the Bermuda Triangle with Tupac. Like, Christine!!! And okay! What about Jonah from Veep who like obviously had a crush on Christine, right? Why did he not register to her at all? I guess it was her streamlined thinking? Freak to freak: always go for taller. George was like the same height or possibly even shorter than Christine because lesbihonest, this was the seventies and he was probably wearing heeled boots. All this brouhaha could've been avoided had Christine just gotten her shit beat up by Jonah from Veep. But, if she didn't think he was cute then she didn't think he was cute. But Christine your eyebrows are sitting on your face like owls and everyone can tell you masturbate with clothespins, so spare me! 

I felt so bad for Christine's "friend" Jean. Also her mom of course (but not totally because the coddling for a grown woman throwing a tantrum is a no no), but mostly Jean. Christine was a fake friend! Or maybe like a Sheldon Cooper sort of friend? If Christine had a laugh track, I'd be less disturbed, but it didn't, so now I just want to kill myself. Sike! You thot! I've still never had $19 avocado toast, so until then, I'm Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. But Jean seemed to really care for Christine? But the ending especially made their friendship seem one-sided. I was really sad when Christine didn't go get ice cream with Jean? Like she's helping to calm you down and loves you and just go get ice cream? And then...Christine shoots herself LIKE!!!!! DIDN'T CHRISTINE SHOOT HERSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF JEAN'S BIG STORY? RIGHT? WHICH SHE INTENTIONALLY FUCKED UP FOR HER OWN STUNT QUEEN BULLSHIT?! Christine is whack. 

The ending with Jean eating ice cream and singing out loud is never anything I ever need to see again, thanks :( But shoutouts to my lightkey acting bae, Maria Dizzia whom I've been lowkey stanning for since she creeped me out in Martha Marcy May Marlene. We doing big things. (You're doing big things, I have this blog. And not even a Wordpress. Blogspot. I need some ice cream and Anita Baker... I don't listen to happy music. I literally throw up when I hear jaunty tunes lol. But anyway, Tinashe, when is Joyride coming out? This shit is getting ridiculous at this point smh..) 

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Christine

Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 7: The Gift (2015)

This is one of those movies that I thought was gonna be really lit. Looking back, not sure why. 

I saw one trailer for this film probably over a year ago and I thought that the movie looked interesting. Rarely do I see trailers for mainstreamish films and get excited - the trailer for The Gift got me excited. Again, looking back, I do not understand why. Joel Edgerton with shitty facial hair? No fucking idea.

So okay fast-forward a bit, the movie comes out, good score on Rotten Tomatoes, I see maybe the movie has good reviews. I don't read these reviews because I can't deal with other people's dry ass opinions on movies, which is why I have this disturbing blog - so I can write my own shitty opinions and then read them and be like "lol true!" and also "Seek help". So WHAT I'M SAYING IS I don't really know what this movie is working with. It seems like it got a good reception. I am still interested.

Because I'm a tortoise in the race of life (shut up and die), I take forfuckingever to actually get around to watching this. Finally a couple of days ago I do. I get fucking EXCITED! I regret this. I look back at a couple of days ago me and I want to drive a javelin through my eyeballs. So as to improve my viewing experience.

The film stars Jason Bateman (4eva bae until I find out he molested someone on the set of Teen Wolf Too), Rebecca Hall (prettier, slightly less annoying Anne Hathaway), and Joel Edgerton (fat Aussie, ginger, eyes always look closed). This is a pretty good crew, right? Sure. 

So Jason and Rebecca play a couple, Simon and Robyn. They've just moved to a new neighborhood. Simon has a new job at some tech place (WHO CARES) and Robyn has like an interior design business she runs from home. We find out this used to be a larger business with remote locations, but I guess Robyn had a miscarriage and possibly some sort of breakdown, so she's downsized. Okay.

Joel Edgerton, who also wrote and directed this...movie, plays a dude named Gordo. Right away, Gordo is a freak. He shows up when Simon and Robyn are shopping for shit for their new home. He approaches Simon like "Hey remember me from middle school??" or whatever, and Simon at first doesn't remember him, but then he does. Fast-forward to Gordo just showing up at Simon and Robyn's house with "gifts". I forgot all his freak gifts, but I do remember the fucking koi fish and glass cleaner lol weirdo. 

Gordo was really freaking me out. Joel Edgerton looked really creepy with that facial hair lol. Also like...the clothes he was wearing. If this movie did one good thing, it was making Gordo just be odd as fuck. Also him just randomly showing up to the house all the time? CAN WE DISCUSS PEOPLE WHO BUY HOMES WITH LIKE GLASS WINDOWS ALL AROUND? I don't understand this. You just want people being able to see all up in your house? I don't know how many times someone throws a rock through their shit lol. Probably only once, but it seemed like a million for some reason? Also every time Gordo comes through his ugly weird face is just looking right at Robyn sitting in the dining room and shit lol. Put some fucking curtains up the fuck.

Okay so Simon and Robyn start getting weirded out by Gordo. I guess around the time he delivers the fish. Like who just gives someone fish? Simon is more agitated than Robyn. Robyn seems really nice, too nice as Simon says. I agreed with him, because she kept letting this thick nigga in her home when she was alone all the time, BUT I disagree with condemning people for being nice. It almost felt like...Robyn was capable of identifying an innocence in Gordo and was not truly worried about her safety. I thought Simon, even before his tea was clocked, was an asshole. 

Like! Gordo invites them to his house, right? For dinner. Of course his weird ass abandons them in his house as soon as they get there for a five minute "work emergency". I had no idea at the time what Gordo's deal was, but I was pretty sure he had a recording device set up to see what Robyn and Simon would say about him while he was gone. For one! They go all up in and through this nigga's house. We see there are women's clothes and a child's room, though I don't believe Gordo mentions a family. They also talk shit about him. Or Simon does. Right away I clocked that Simon was a douchebag? Just him making a "peepee" with his fingers poking out of his pants was enough for me. He was acting like a Mountain Dew Code Red drinking frat boy and I was over it. 

So Gordo comes back and Simon is getting all aggy like WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?! Lol but honestly, what kind of job do you have that has you stepping out for five minutes in the middle of the night? Gordo "confesses" that he really went out to talk to his ex-wife, something blah about there being turmoil and she owns the house and he's trying to stay on her good side. Sure, buddy. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BODY????? 

So Simon says he wants to talk to Gordo for a minute. He tells his wife to step out. Simon keeps clocking his own douchebag tea. Why does she need to leave?? Robyn doesn't even leave right away, fake-leaving one time to listen to the conversation, but her dumb ass doesn't properly conceal her body, so Simon sees her and is like "Honey! If you could just give us a minute!". I don't understand why she needed to leave. What is she some little kid? But anyway after she leaves, Simon white boy ~goes in~ on Gordo, talking bout how he weird or whatever and how he wants Gordo to stay away from them and he don't wanna see his weird butt ever again. 

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS BOLD was Simon was talking all this shit BEFORE Gordo opened the gate for them to leave lol. So of course when they tryna go, Gordo won't open the gate right away. Never drag a bitch before they open the gate for you to leave. Do it after, dummy. How many times do we have to go over this???

Oh you know what I forgot? BEFORE Gordo invited them over for dinner, he had been over at the house and had seen what Simon had written on the dry erase board about him: "Weirdo Gordo" or something? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE WHACK ASS NICKNAMES THEY HAD FOR EACH OTHER IN SCHOOL LOL. "Gordo the Weirdo"??? Robyn talkin bout some "That's not very nice" or some shit, but I'm over here like *Chandler voice* COULD THESE NIGGAS BE ANY MORE UNCREATIVE? Like, GOTDAMN! And Simon's name was Simple Simon? Ya basic! You know...knowing that Joel's Aussie ass wrote this mess, I completely understand. Australia seems really dry and corny lol. David Sedaris called it "Canada in a thong" and that's the most clocked fucking tea I've ever seen. Sweaty Degrassi ass "nicknames" lol bye.

So anyway lol Gordo inviting them to dinner even after he saw the Gordo Weirdo thing on their dry erase board was...suspicious. Like, he obviously had some plans for them. Or at least for Simon's douchebag ass. BUT WHAT? WHAT PLANS? We shall see! RIGHT? It's gon be lit!! Right?

Hmm.

Hmm hmm hmm. Gordo at some point sends a letter over to the house talking some blahdy blah. But on the back of the note he makes some comment like "Let's let bygones be bygones" and that's meant for Simon's ass. Robyn's like "Let bygones be bygones"? What that mean? Simon like lol iono! Girl... Then he get aggressive when she kinda keep pressing I think? BOY WHATCHU DO TO GORDO??

Robyn going through it because of Gordo. She mad weirded out and panicking and shit. Gordo seems to have stolen their dog at some point, eventually the dog comes back and I think Gordo kind of stays out of their life for a minute? Should I mention how that house Gordo had them at was actually not his? I guess. Apparently he was the limo driver or some shit for the people who really lived at the house and he had access to the garage, which was how he gained access to the home to use for his fail ass dinner party. Okay.

Sigh, fast-forward blah, Robyn pregnant by Simple Simon's ass and it's like...girl, I guess. For some reason Robyn start investigating that bygone be bygones thing. Is it because Gordo showed up while she and that chick from Fargo season 1 were shopping? Iono. At first, Robyn asks Simon's sister about Gordo. Ol girl says Simon "caught" Gordo getting molested in a car by an older boy when they were in school and "reported" the situation, which became a big thing. HMM. Immediately I decided Simon was the one who molested Gordo. I just knew his ass non-consensually fingered Gordo's booty.

Robyn's lanky ass goes to see some idiot who used to be friends with Simon during this time. He clocks Simon's tea by saying that Simon actually made that whole molesting thing up. Robyn was all like "um, why?" and Roy from The Office was like "Because he could". Typical ass white boy bs smh.

So Simon spread a rumor that Gordo was either being molested or did some gay shit in a car. He was mercilessly bullied for this, and his father apparently tried to set him on fire????? Can I just say I was cackling at this? Like it's not funny and this shit actually does happen but it just seemed so extreme and extra idk lol. No, it's not funny please.

So Robyn confronts Simon about ruining Gordo's life and acting brand new about the "bygones be bygones" note. Robyn kind of accuses Simon of gaslighting her, and I agree. She's freaking out and afraid of Gordo when her ass should be afraid of Simon's sociopath ass. I don't think she fully understands that at the moment of her confronting him and him being dismissive and unsympathetic to the situation, but she's starting to get it.

Robyn tells Simon he should apologize to Gordo. He's reluctant and an asshole about it, but he does visit Gordo to attempt an apology. He ends up attacking Gordo instead?? UNPROVOKED, MIGHT I ADD. So at this point Simon's tea is fully clocked. Robyn called him a bully and she was full-right. I was honestly disgusted, but I do...like how the character was written. It seemed a correct representation of...someone who was a bully in school, grows up and says they've "changed" and are "done with that part of my life" but are really just older and now they wear dress shirts. So I really almost liked how Simon's character was written and also played by Bateman, who is super good at playing douches. He reminds me of how I think Bradley Cooper really is, which is Simon. Chamomile for that ass.

Simon lies to Robyn about how the apology went and I'm just like...girl good luck. So fast-forward to Simon getting a huge promotion at work and he throws a douchey party at the house to celebrate. Thank the lucky stars that it's interrupted by someone throwing a rock through the window. It was thrown by the guy who's name Simon tarnished to get the position. Simon's bitch ass a grown adult still spreading rumors to ruin people's lives. If karma don't drag that ass already! 

I GUESS KARMA COMES IN THE FORM OF SIMON NOT KNOWING WHO THE FATHER OF HIS SON IS. So the ending of the movie, the most important part in any thriller, is where the movie completely falls apart at the seams. If it was ever together to begin with.

Robyn gives birth, she has a son. She tells Simon she wants to leave him. His sociopath ass is all like "Okay well we'll discuss this later" and leaves. Like him saying that means it's not actually happening. Girl get it together.

He goes home and finds some more "gifts" from Gordo waiting for him there. Sigh. Gift 1 is a key to their house. Which shows Gordo has gained access to their home. It's like no shit but anyway. I think Gift 2 is the recording Gordo made of them when Simon was talking shit about him at his "house". Anyway. Gift 3 is a fucking DVD of Gordo walking around their house filming Robyn in secret in shit, poisoning her Gatorade and possibly raping her. I say possibly because it cuts off before we see him do anything, only the implication is there.

Sigh. So Simon's bitch ass is crying. And I think more because he thinks Gordo could possibly be the father of his child, and not that his wife was secretly videotaped, drugged, and possibly assaulted. This basic white male is having a little moment because maybe another nigga is the father to his PRODIGAL SON. Miss me. Are we as the audience supposed to be sickened to death by this thought lol? I am sick that Gordo possibly raped Robyn, but I don't give two fucks about Simon's bitch ass crybaby male feelings. You see where his priorities really lie when he gets to the hospital and sees Robyn's room is empty but instead of full looking for her, he starts chasing Gordo around. With all that macho male bravado bs, not even giving enough of a fuck to check to see if your wife and child are okay. Fuck Gordo's bitch ass, check to see if your family is okay. What is wrong with you? And then the end of the movie has him crying on the floor with Gordo watching dead-eyed menacingly over him, and Robyn is in the background cradling her child being none the wiser to how TRULY fucked up her situation really is.

Sigh. You can tell this movie was written by some dusty white boy. I don't want to shade Joel, because I like him sometimes, but this mess really fell flat. I could see this movie being super-affecting for dudes, I guess? Like they can get in their feelings about another man raping their wife and possibly fathering their son? But for me, I'm thinking about how Robyn was harassed and gaslighted the whole movie and used as a pawn for these two dudes with various untreated mental problems to fuck with each other. Like she's totally alone and I'm super happy about how there was barely any real regard for her, besides the typical male this is my property I must protect it bs.

In terms of a "thriller", this movie was one long ass tease, with no sufficient pay-off in the end. It wasn't even a good tease. I kept waiting for shit to get...intriguing, you know? A couple of times, I thought, maybe. Like when I thought maybe Simon had molested Gordo...but that fell through and the movie went nowhere. A better movie would have been about when all this shit with them as teenagers actually went down. Simon spreading the rumor about Gordo, and the vicious aftermath of that. This flaccid mess thirty or so years later is truly embarrassing, though at the same time...like a good comment about how people don't really grow up from high school, I guess? But I honestly don't give a fuck about a comment like that. I came to this movie to see a turn up, and I got a motherfucking turn down. This shit was hot dog water. Like I'm not surprised after the fact, but I am annoyed that I was initially excited, thinking this was gonna be some unique different shit. Oh well that's my bad, I guess. 

Good performances, though. I don't want to drag too much. I thought all primary leads delivered, I just wish it'd been in a better, smarter movie. Maybe next time.