Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 7: The Gift (2015)

This is one of those movies that I thought was gonna be really lit. Looking back, not sure why. 

I saw one trailer for this film probably over a year ago and I thought that the movie looked interesting. Rarely do I see trailers for mainstreamish films and get excited - the trailer for The Gift got me excited. Again, looking back, I do not understand why. Joel Edgerton with shitty facial hair? No fucking idea.

So okay fast-forward a bit, the movie comes out, good score on Rotten Tomatoes, I see maybe the movie has good reviews. I don't read these reviews because I can't deal with other people's dry ass opinions on movies, which is why I have this disturbing blog - so I can write my own shitty opinions and then read them and be like "lol true!" and also "Seek help". So WHAT I'M SAYING IS I don't really know what this movie is working with. It seems like it got a good reception. I am still interested.

Because I'm a tortoise in the race of life (shut up and die), I take forfuckingever to actually get around to watching this. Finally a couple of days ago I do. I get fucking EXCITED! I regret this. I look back at a couple of days ago me and I want to drive a javelin through my eyeballs. So as to improve my viewing experience.

The film stars Jason Bateman (4eva bae until I find out he molested someone on the set of Teen Wolf Too), Rebecca Hall (prettier, slightly less annoying Anne Hathaway), and Joel Edgerton (fat Aussie, ginger, eyes always look closed). This is a pretty good crew, right? Sure. 

So Jason and Rebecca play a couple, Simon and Robyn. They've just moved to a new neighborhood. Simon has a new job at some tech place (WHO CARES) and Robyn has like an interior design business she runs from home. We find out this used to be a larger business with remote locations, but I guess Robyn had a miscarriage and possibly some sort of breakdown, so she's downsized. Okay.

Joel Edgerton, who also wrote and directed this...movie, plays a dude named Gordo. Right away, Gordo is a freak. He shows up when Simon and Robyn are shopping for shit for their new home. He approaches Simon like "Hey remember me from middle school??" or whatever, and Simon at first doesn't remember him, but then he does. Fast-forward to Gordo just showing up at Simon and Robyn's house with "gifts". I forgot all his freak gifts, but I do remember the fucking koi fish and glass cleaner lol weirdo. 

Gordo was really freaking me out. Joel Edgerton looked really creepy with that facial hair lol. Also like...the clothes he was wearing. If this movie did one good thing, it was making Gordo just be odd as fuck. Also him just randomly showing up to the house all the time? CAN WE DISCUSS PEOPLE WHO BUY HOMES WITH LIKE GLASS WINDOWS ALL AROUND? I don't understand this. You just want people being able to see all up in your house? I don't know how many times someone throws a rock through their shit lol. Probably only once, but it seemed like a million for some reason? Also every time Gordo comes through his ugly weird face is just looking right at Robyn sitting in the dining room and shit lol. Put some fucking curtains up the fuck.

Okay so Simon and Robyn start getting weirded out by Gordo. I guess around the time he delivers the fish. Like who just gives someone fish? Simon is more agitated than Robyn. Robyn seems really nice, too nice as Simon says. I agreed with him, because she kept letting this thick nigga in her home when she was alone all the time, BUT I disagree with condemning people for being nice. It almost felt like...Robyn was capable of identifying an innocence in Gordo and was not truly worried about her safety. I thought Simon, even before his tea was clocked, was an asshole. 

Like! Gordo invites them to his house, right? For dinner. Of course his weird ass abandons them in his house as soon as they get there for a five minute "work emergency". I had no idea at the time what Gordo's deal was, but I was pretty sure he had a recording device set up to see what Robyn and Simon would say about him while he was gone. For one! They go all up in and through this nigga's house. We see there are women's clothes and a child's room, though I don't believe Gordo mentions a family. They also talk shit about him. Or Simon does. Right away I clocked that Simon was a douchebag? Just him making a "peepee" with his fingers poking out of his pants was enough for me. He was acting like a Mountain Dew Code Red drinking frat boy and I was over it. 

So Gordo comes back and Simon is getting all aggy like WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?! Lol but honestly, what kind of job do you have that has you stepping out for five minutes in the middle of the night? Gordo "confesses" that he really went out to talk to his ex-wife, something blah about there being turmoil and she owns the house and he's trying to stay on her good side. Sure, buddy. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BODY????? 

So Simon says he wants to talk to Gordo for a minute. He tells his wife to step out. Simon keeps clocking his own douchebag tea. Why does she need to leave?? Robyn doesn't even leave right away, fake-leaving one time to listen to the conversation, but her dumb ass doesn't properly conceal her body, so Simon sees her and is like "Honey! If you could just give us a minute!". I don't understand why she needed to leave. What is she some little kid? But anyway after she leaves, Simon white boy ~goes in~ on Gordo, talking bout how he weird or whatever and how he wants Gordo to stay away from them and he don't wanna see his weird butt ever again. 

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS BOLD was Simon was talking all this shit BEFORE Gordo opened the gate for them to leave lol. So of course when they tryna go, Gordo won't open the gate right away. Never drag a bitch before they open the gate for you to leave. Do it after, dummy. How many times do we have to go over this???

Oh you know what I forgot? BEFORE Gordo invited them over for dinner, he had been over at the house and had seen what Simon had written on the dry erase board about him: "Weirdo Gordo" or something? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE WHACK ASS NICKNAMES THEY HAD FOR EACH OTHER IN SCHOOL LOL. "Gordo the Weirdo"??? Robyn talkin bout some "That's not very nice" or some shit, but I'm over here like *Chandler voice* COULD THESE NIGGAS BE ANY MORE UNCREATIVE? Like, GOTDAMN! And Simon's name was Simple Simon? Ya basic! You know...knowing that Joel's Aussie ass wrote this mess, I completely understand. Australia seems really dry and corny lol. David Sedaris called it "Canada in a thong" and that's the most clocked fucking tea I've ever seen. Sweaty Degrassi ass "nicknames" lol bye.

So anyway lol Gordo inviting them to dinner even after he saw the Gordo Weirdo thing on their dry erase board was...suspicious. Like, he obviously had some plans for them. Or at least for Simon's douchebag ass. BUT WHAT? WHAT PLANS? We shall see! RIGHT? It's gon be lit!! Right?

Hmm.

Hmm hmm hmm. Gordo at some point sends a letter over to the house talking some blahdy blah. But on the back of the note he makes some comment like "Let's let bygones be bygones" and that's meant for Simon's ass. Robyn's like "Let bygones be bygones"? What that mean? Simon like lol iono! Girl... Then he get aggressive when she kinda keep pressing I think? BOY WHATCHU DO TO GORDO??

Robyn going through it because of Gordo. She mad weirded out and panicking and shit. Gordo seems to have stolen their dog at some point, eventually the dog comes back and I think Gordo kind of stays out of their life for a minute? Should I mention how that house Gordo had them at was actually not his? I guess. Apparently he was the limo driver or some shit for the people who really lived at the house and he had access to the garage, which was how he gained access to the home to use for his fail ass dinner party. Okay.

Sigh, fast-forward blah, Robyn pregnant by Simple Simon's ass and it's like...girl, I guess. For some reason Robyn start investigating that bygone be bygones thing. Is it because Gordo showed up while she and that chick from Fargo season 1 were shopping? Iono. At first, Robyn asks Simon's sister about Gordo. Ol girl says Simon "caught" Gordo getting molested in a car by an older boy when they were in school and "reported" the situation, which became a big thing. HMM. Immediately I decided Simon was the one who molested Gordo. I just knew his ass non-consensually fingered Gordo's booty.

Robyn's lanky ass goes to see some idiot who used to be friends with Simon during this time. He clocks Simon's tea by saying that Simon actually made that whole molesting thing up. Robyn was all like "um, why?" and Roy from The Office was like "Because he could". Typical ass white boy bs smh.

So Simon spread a rumor that Gordo was either being molested or did some gay shit in a car. He was mercilessly bullied for this, and his father apparently tried to set him on fire????? Can I just say I was cackling at this? Like it's not funny and this shit actually does happen but it just seemed so extreme and extra idk lol. No, it's not funny please.

So Robyn confronts Simon about ruining Gordo's life and acting brand new about the "bygones be bygones" note. Robyn kind of accuses Simon of gaslighting her, and I agree. She's freaking out and afraid of Gordo when her ass should be afraid of Simon's sociopath ass. I don't think she fully understands that at the moment of her confronting him and him being dismissive and unsympathetic to the situation, but she's starting to get it.

Robyn tells Simon he should apologize to Gordo. He's reluctant and an asshole about it, but he does visit Gordo to attempt an apology. He ends up attacking Gordo instead?? UNPROVOKED, MIGHT I ADD. So at this point Simon's tea is fully clocked. Robyn called him a bully and she was full-right. I was honestly disgusted, but I do...like how the character was written. It seemed a correct representation of...someone who was a bully in school, grows up and says they've "changed" and are "done with that part of my life" but are really just older and now they wear dress shirts. So I really almost liked how Simon's character was written and also played by Bateman, who is super good at playing douches. He reminds me of how I think Bradley Cooper really is, which is Simon. Chamomile for that ass.

Simon lies to Robyn about how the apology went and I'm just like...girl good luck. So fast-forward to Simon getting a huge promotion at work and he throws a douchey party at the house to celebrate. Thank the lucky stars that it's interrupted by someone throwing a rock through the window. It was thrown by the guy who's name Simon tarnished to get the position. Simon's bitch ass a grown adult still spreading rumors to ruin people's lives. If karma don't drag that ass already! 

I GUESS KARMA COMES IN THE FORM OF SIMON NOT KNOWING WHO THE FATHER OF HIS SON IS. So the ending of the movie, the most important part in any thriller, is where the movie completely falls apart at the seams. If it was ever together to begin with.

Robyn gives birth, she has a son. She tells Simon she wants to leave him. His sociopath ass is all like "Okay well we'll discuss this later" and leaves. Like him saying that means it's not actually happening. Girl get it together.

He goes home and finds some more "gifts" from Gordo waiting for him there. Sigh. Gift 1 is a key to their house. Which shows Gordo has gained access to their home. It's like no shit but anyway. I think Gift 2 is the recording Gordo made of them when Simon was talking shit about him at his "house". Anyway. Gift 3 is a fucking DVD of Gordo walking around their house filming Robyn in secret in shit, poisoning her Gatorade and possibly raping her. I say possibly because it cuts off before we see him do anything, only the implication is there.

Sigh. So Simon's bitch ass is crying. And I think more because he thinks Gordo could possibly be the father of his child, and not that his wife was secretly videotaped, drugged, and possibly assaulted. This basic white male is having a little moment because maybe another nigga is the father to his PRODIGAL SON. Miss me. Are we as the audience supposed to be sickened to death by this thought lol? I am sick that Gordo possibly raped Robyn, but I don't give two fucks about Simon's bitch ass crybaby male feelings. You see where his priorities really lie when he gets to the hospital and sees Robyn's room is empty but instead of full looking for her, he starts chasing Gordo around. With all that macho male bravado bs, not even giving enough of a fuck to check to see if your wife and child are okay. Fuck Gordo's bitch ass, check to see if your family is okay. What is wrong with you? And then the end of the movie has him crying on the floor with Gordo watching dead-eyed menacingly over him, and Robyn is in the background cradling her child being none the wiser to how TRULY fucked up her situation really is.

Sigh. You can tell this movie was written by some dusty white boy. I don't want to shade Joel, because I like him sometimes, but this mess really fell flat. I could see this movie being super-affecting for dudes, I guess? Like they can get in their feelings about another man raping their wife and possibly fathering their son? But for me, I'm thinking about how Robyn was harassed and gaslighted the whole movie and used as a pawn for these two dudes with various untreated mental problems to fuck with each other. Like she's totally alone and I'm super happy about how there was barely any real regard for her, besides the typical male this is my property I must protect it bs.

In terms of a "thriller", this movie was one long ass tease, with no sufficient pay-off in the end. It wasn't even a good tease. I kept waiting for shit to get...intriguing, you know? A couple of times, I thought, maybe. Like when I thought maybe Simon had molested Gordo...but that fell through and the movie went nowhere. A better movie would have been about when all this shit with them as teenagers actually went down. Simon spreading the rumor about Gordo, and the vicious aftermath of that. This flaccid mess thirty or so years later is truly embarrassing, though at the same time...like a good comment about how people don't really grow up from high school, I guess? But I honestly don't give a fuck about a comment like that. I came to this movie to see a turn up, and I got a motherfucking turn down. This shit was hot dog water. Like I'm not surprised after the fact, but I am annoyed that I was initially excited, thinking this was gonna be some unique different shit. Oh well that's my bad, I guess. 

Good performances, though. I don't want to drag too much. I thought all primary leads delivered, I just wish it'd been in a better, smarter movie. Maybe next time.

Picture Mommy Dead (1966)

So I guess I watched this mess because of the title? Well, actually, I always have my TV on mute, turned to channel TCM, because vomiting sounds. And one night this was on TV, something ridiculous caught my eye, and I pressed the remote thing to figure out what the movie was called so I could watch it later. It was probably the scene where Zsa Zsa Gabor's ghost was on "fire" that caught my eye maybe?!?!

Like what is this??

What is this...entire movie?

Sigh, I knew what I was getting into by watching a movie called "Picture Mommy Dead". Like let me not sit here and pretend I didn't know this was going to be a tragic pile-up of awfulness. Like had it not been, I would have been pissed off. I was not...really expecting it to be super-boring, though? Like what's with the like ten minute long fucking scene of that nun at the convent going on and on about Susan's problems and how they shouldn't go back to the house and blah blah, and Susan is over there in the corner pretending to talk to one of her crazy convent "friends" and I swear when they finally panned away from the nurse to Susan and the friend, I remember thinking "What were they pretending to talk about all this time?? Susan said she was going to say goodbye. That was like a ten minute long goodbye." And the pan to them made it look like it was a really awkward goodbye, too. I'm not sure whom more for, though - Susan or the friend? Probably the friend, Susan is a real dullard. She's like Egg from Arrested Development turned up to eleven, b. There's no way talking to her for any longer than zero seconds is a pleasant experience. I bet Susan's convent friend was a mute and therefore unable to communicate "get the fuck out of my face, please, bitch". I mean, I guess she could have slapped Susan?? But Susan is the type that would be into that, so slapping wouldn't work. I've never read Fifty Shades of Gray, but let's just assume E.L. James saw this movie and then was like...wow what if I wrote an erotic bdsm novel about how Susan is spanked a bunch by a bagazillionaire and she has bangs and bad pants?? Like Susan is totally Anna, right? I'm pretending I know way less about Fifty Shades of Grey than I do. But am I really pretending though????????

The movie opens with Zsa Zsa Gabor like igniting on fire and then some kid being like...idk I forgot lol. But it's like Susan's kid voice saying something to her...maybe die mommy? Or maybe...are you okay mommy??? It...doesn't matter. Just know that Zsa--WAIT, CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MOVIES ARE FOREVER HAVING SHIT BURST INTO FLAMES LIKE EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS COATED IN GASOLINE OR SOME SHIT?? Please explain how the fire is spreading so rapidly across Zsa Zsa's body???? I mean I guess the clothing is flammable I guess???? It just looks really ridiculous. And they don't even have the material burning beneath the flame...it's just like fire on top of whatever item is aflame. Come on ugh. Anyway ugh. Zsa Zsa is Susan's mom, and she dies in the beginning okay got it. Zsa Zsa's death...causes Susan to go crazy? And so they lock her up in a convent?? Don Ameche is Susan's dad, and he has a new wife, Francene, who used to be Susan's governess. They pop up to take Susan home from the convent. Annnnnnnd it seems like they're only there because the dad has run out of money and is looking to get some of Susan's money Zsa Zsa left her?? Or at least to get permission to sell furniture from the house??? Either way, it's hella shady. AND IT'S SO WEIRD DON ISN'T UP FOR KILLING SUSAN, RIGHT? Like I get it's his daughter, but it's clear from jumpstreet he's sketchy as fuck and pretty much only cares about money, and I guess getting laid, so why doesn't he automatically agree with Francene's plan to either have Susan committed or kill her??? Like?? Really?? It's like the movie didn't want to go too far or something lol please. 

Tbh I don't care about the plot or how it unfolded because I really hated this movie and it was just exceptionally tired. Like first of all they were trying to do Hitchcock doing B-movie or something, and like directly stealing shit from The Birds??? Maybe???

Why does Francene have Tippi hair and why does that fucking hawk or whatever straight up attack Susan and basically they just spliced in that scene from The Birds where Tippi is attacked by all those birds in that room hmm???? Hmm??? Come on, fam. 

Speaking of Maxwell Reed!! lol I loved him. Like this movie was trash and garbage, but I was definitely here for Maxwell Reed. He was cunty from minute one and it was a pleasure. BUT UM CAN WE TALK ABOUT SUSAN, FRANCENE AND DON AMECHE'S REACTION WHEN THEY WENT TO THE HOUSE AND MAXWELL REED ANSWERED THE DOOR WITH THOSE BURN SCARS ON HIS FACE AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE 

NO!!!! YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!! YOU. DON'T! DO! THAT!!!!

WHO FUCKING REACTS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WITH SCARS ON THEIR FACE?!?!?! Like Maxwell Reed asks Susan if she's going to give him a hug and she's all like "uggggh" with her face and recoils from him!!! What?!?! Omg they are so rude?!?!? lol omg. Like! I just! lol They were just really fucking killing me in this movie in regards to his burn scars and I felt sort of bad for him??? lol, like I wanted to give him some self-esteem. He's like "money can't make me handsome" at some point, and then I felt weird because it's like...wow you do know plastic surgery exists, right? But then I felt...like body shamey?? Like why am I suggesting he get plastic surgery?? He's totally beautiful as is and I mean that in a mostly genuine way :') But anyway I loved Maxwell and I loved all his little cunty comments and how he called Don Ameche and Francene tacky and just everything he was doing I was incredibly here for. Even that weird bird stuff. Like, having a bird. Even that. 

I also really loved

Wendell Corey???????????? Since when???? lol I think I have a bad like impression of him because I haven't seen him in too many things, and the only thing I can vividly remember him in was that trash movie Harriet Craig which I don't even...recall what that was exactly about, but I think he played like a really boring husband to Joan Crawford and was oppressive and so I've hated him ever since :") Also he's like some goofy goober bizarro version of Joseph Cotten or some shit and it's just been always off-putting since I've come to know his existence. But in this movie, in his like five minutes of screentime, he totally slayed. He had an attitude and I was loving it. 

Do I want to address Susan's creepy thing for her daddy??? Sigh, look, I love creepy familial relationships. It's my bread and butter ugh shut up delete that. But here...it was just gross. Also Die, Mommie, Die! definitely took all its cues from this movie, right? Like that's all I could think about the entire time watching this. And that's it lol. Susan/Natasha Lyonne was trying her damn hardest to get me to care about her creepy fetish for her dad, but I just really didn't. It's super cliché and why can't she just go fuck horses or something and stop being such a hindrance? You know? Like just become a fucking equestrian and brush your horse too much and fucking get over it, bitch. 

That's the end of this "review". 

Bye!!!!