So I guess I watched this mess because of the title? Well, actually, I always have my TV on mute, turned to channel TCM, because vomiting sounds. And one night this was on TV, something ridiculous caught my eye, and I pressed the remote thing to figure out what the movie was called so I could watch it later. It was probably the scene where Zsa Zsa Gabor's ghost was on "fire" that caught my eye maybe?!?!
Like what is this??
What is this...entire movie?
Sigh, I knew what I was getting into by watching a movie called "Picture Mommy Dead". Like let me not sit here and pretend I didn't know this was going to be a tragic pile-up of awfulness. Like had it not been, I would have been pissed off. I was not...really expecting it to be super-boring, though? Like what's with the like ten minute long fucking scene of that nun at the convent going on and on about Susan's problems and how they shouldn't go back to the house and blah blah, and Susan is over there in the corner pretending to talk to one of her crazy convent "friends" and I swear when they finally panned away from the nurse to Susan and the friend, I remember thinking "What were they pretending to talk about all this time?? Susan said she was going to say goodbye. That was like a ten minute long goodbye." And the pan to them made it look like it was a really awkward goodbye, too. I'm not sure whom more for, though - Susan or the friend? Probably the friend, Susan is a real dullard. She's like Egg from Arrested Development turned up to eleven, b. There's no way talking to her for any longer than zero seconds is a pleasant experience. I bet Susan's convent friend was a mute and therefore unable to communicate "get the fuck out of my face, please, bitch". I mean, I guess she could have slapped Susan?? But Susan is the type that would be into that, so slapping wouldn't work. I've never read Fifty Shades of Gray, but let's just assume E.L. James saw this movie and then was like...wow what if I wrote an erotic bdsm novel about how Susan is spanked a bunch by a bagazillionaire and she has bangs and bad pants?? Like Susan is totally Anna, right? I'm pretending I know way less about Fifty Shades of Grey than I do. But am I really pretending though????????
The movie opens with Zsa Zsa Gabor like igniting on fire and then some kid being like...idk I forgot lol. But it's like Susan's kid voice saying something to her...maybe die mommy? Or maybe...are you okay mommy??? It...doesn't matter. Just know that Zsa--WAIT, CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MOVIES ARE FOREVER HAVING SHIT BURST INTO FLAMES LIKE EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS COATED IN GASOLINE OR SOME SHIT?? Please explain how the fire is spreading so rapidly across Zsa Zsa's body???? I mean I guess the clothing is flammable I guess???? It just looks really ridiculous. And they don't even have the material burning beneath the flame...it's just like fire on top of whatever item is aflame. Come on ugh. Anyway ugh. Zsa Zsa is Susan's mom, and she dies in the beginning okay got it. Zsa Zsa's death...causes Susan to go crazy? And so they lock her up in a convent?? Don Ameche is Susan's dad, and he has a new wife, Francene, who used to be Susan's governess. They pop up to take Susan home from the convent. Annnnnnnd it seems like they're only there because the dad has run out of money and is looking to get some of Susan's money Zsa Zsa left her?? Or at least to get permission to sell furniture from the house??? Either way, it's hella shady. AND IT'S SO WEIRD DON ISN'T UP FOR KILLING SUSAN, RIGHT? Like I get it's his daughter, but it's clear from jumpstreet he's sketchy as fuck and pretty much only cares about money, and I guess getting laid, so why doesn't he automatically agree with Francene's plan to either have Susan committed or kill her??? Like?? Really?? It's like the movie didn't want to go too far or something lol please.
Tbh I don't care about the plot or how it unfolded because I really hated this movie and it was just exceptionally tired. Like first of all they were trying to do Hitchcock doing B-movie or something, and like directly stealing shit from The Birds??? Maybe???
Why does Francene have Tippi hair and why does that fucking hawk or whatever straight up attack Susan and basically they just spliced in that scene from The Birds where Tippi is attacked by all those birds in that room hmm???? Hmm??? Come on, fam.
Speaking of Maxwell Reed!! lol I loved him. Like this movie was trash and garbage, but I was definitely here for Maxwell Reed. He was cunty from minute one and it was a pleasure. BUT UM CAN WE TALK ABOUT SUSAN, FRANCENE AND DON AMECHE'S REACTION WHEN THEY WENT TO THE HOUSE AND MAXWELL REED ANSWERED THE DOOR WITH THOSE BURN SCARS ON HIS FACE AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE
NO!!!! YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!! YOU. DON'T! DO! THAT!!!!
WHO FUCKING REACTS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WITH SCARS ON THEIR FACE?!?!?! Like Maxwell Reed asks Susan if she's going to give him a hug and she's all like "uggggh" with her face and recoils from him!!! What?!?! Omg they are so rude?!?!? lol omg. Like! I just! lol They were just really fucking killing me in this movie in regards to his burn scars and I felt sort of bad for him??? lol, like I wanted to give him some self-esteem. He's like "money can't make me handsome" at some point, and then I felt weird because it's like...wow you do know plastic surgery exists, right? But then I felt...like body shamey?? Like why am I suggesting he get plastic surgery?? He's totally beautiful as is and I mean that in a mostly genuine way :') But anyway I loved Maxwell and I loved all his little cunty comments and how he called Don Ameche and Francene tacky and just everything he was doing I was incredibly here for. Even that weird bird stuff. Like, having a bird. Even that.
I also really loved
Wendell Corey???????????? Since when???? lol I think I have a bad like impression of him because I haven't seen him in too many things, and the only thing I can vividly remember him in was that trash movie Harriet Craig which I don't even...recall what that was exactly about, but I think he played like a really boring husband to Joan Crawford and was oppressive and so I've hated him ever since :") Also he's like some goofy goober bizarro version of Joseph Cotten or some shit and it's just been always off-putting since I've come to know his existence. But in this movie, in his like five minutes of screentime, he totally slayed. He had an attitude and I was loving it.
Do I want to address Susan's creepy thing for her daddy??? Sigh, look, I love creepy familial relationships. It's my bread and butter ugh shut up delete that. But here...it was just gross. Also Die, Mommie, Die! definitely took all its cues from this movie, right? Like that's all I could think about the entire time watching this. And that's it lol. Susan/Natasha Lyonne was trying her damn hardest to get me to care about her creepy fetish for her dad, but I just really didn't. It's super cliché and why can't she just go fuck horses or something and stop being such a hindrance? You know? Like just become a fucking equestrian and brush your horse too much and fucking get over it, bitch.
Bye!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey