Black Panther (2018)

So I've seen like three of these comic book movies. I feel like I could count on both hands how many comic book movies I've seen in my life. And that's kind of disturbing, because I'm not a comic book movie person. So if I can count, maybe, at least?, 10, as a non-fan, like, how many of these fucking movies are there lol. Approx 10 is a lot of fucking movies lol. How many fucking of these movies, would, say, a super-fan have seen, if a not fan like me, has seen about ten??? 

It's truly sickening lol. I've seen like 80 Batman movies, all the Spiderman movies minus the newest one (should I see it? He looks meh. I was a fan of Andrew's spidey!! Leave me be!!!)...I've seen Iron Man 1 (love RDJ, hated the "film"), I've seen two Thor movies (why. First one was OK), 1.5 Avengers Team flicks (fell asleep during 2, I think? Also fell asleep during Thor 2..), annnnd oh, I saw the new Superman (WHACK!!!!!!!!!). 

I remember going to see Henry Cavill's Superman (TERRIBLE!! HATED IT!!!) and this black guy (old head with the bluetooth) sitting next to me commented aloud his suspicions concerning Lois conveniently showing up everywhere Supey was all the time. It landed DOA when he said it, and I still feel bad about it til this day that I didn't audibly agree lol because he got up and left shortly after that lmao but honestly I appreciated him openly criticizing the movie. Most of these films are trash and shit w/ the exception of the Nolan Batman films. They're just...not good. Wait, okay, I haven't seen all of them. Maybe Taika's Thor movie is good. Maybe Civil War is basically Schindler's List with a titty shield. Idk. But the ones I've seen? Most of them, even ones I kinda liked, are BAD!!!

So with all that being said, I hate these movies and don't care about this comic book malarky, for the most part. UNLESS!!!

Unless these movies have something *extra* for me to care about. Like, Venom has Tom Hardy. Idc wtf Venom looks like or is comprised of. Tom Hardy's there? Well, then so am I. 

So there's a similar thing happening with Black Panther. And I'm embarrassed about it lol. 

To be fair, Black Panther's promo seemed, to me, to be litter than a lot of the promo for the other films. Looked slightly less corny than the other garbage selections. It looked at least 10-15% more hype and intriguing. Still, I care nothing about these shits. 

Until I see Pelican Brief and his cockatoo hair and now I have a reason to live again. 

That is, I saw Black Panther for Michael B. Jordan.  

excuse me, Michael Bae Jordan.

:(!!!!

When did I becum a MBJ stan? Have I always been? I feel sick. When did I first see him? I remember watching him on a soap opera some years back. He had like cornrows and was a basketball player (smh) and played the bf of sum girl who had a politician dad maybe? Iono but I remember watching that soap solely for him? Why have I been pretending I don't like him for so many years??? Who watches soap operas??? And more specifically, who watches soap operas for the black characters lmao??????? Like, where are they??? And why when they ARE THERE, do they have cornrows and play basketball???? Smhhhhh!!!

So anyway I'm obsessed with the Chinless Wonder and I have been WEAK, and a COWARD!!! Not because I stan, because it's whatever. The world is ending, who cares. Stan for MBJ, stan for a tree, stan for assisted suicide. Doesn't matter. No, what makes me a coward is that I have been lying...for...god, so many years. Just lying!!! I remember watching Chronicle and actively rooting against him lol & pretending I cared way more about that irrelevant other non-Dane DeHaan white boy smh. I remember laughing when he got murked on The Wire smh. Cackling when Fantastic Four bombed. Throwing up with so much laughter and vomit in my neck when Jamie Foxx openly molested him in front of tens of hundreds of audience members at the BET awards smh. What's on the other side of hate they say? 

They say it's love. Whatever, I hope everyone dies.

So I watched Black Panther for MBJ and I want to DIE!!!!!!! No, I'm just kidding. I want to live. I need to try that Reese's doughnut they got at Krispy Kreme. After I eat that I could die, tho. 

So this movie is about some African Kang named T'Challa played by Chadwick Boseman. Do you know what I like about Chaddy? You know how a lot of black actors are like over the top lol? Like they're doing church plays to the cheap seats? I get none of this from Chad. He's just good. I like his energy. I'll watch whatever he does. I saw him in that Jackie Robinson movie and that was it lol. And I think it was the same for everyone else? Just like, okay you're here and we accept you. Thanks for coming. We're glad lol. It's just so nice and non-terrible :')

So the movie opens with...lol. These movies are terrible. Like, BP as a whole could've been way worse, but just...idk it's just terrible when compared to legitimate films lol. Idk, I prob don't get it cuz I'm not a comic geek. Whatever, so, T'Challa's daddy dies and now it's time to get a new king. 

There's some ceremony thing that was extra af. Before T'Challa can get crowned, other people from the other...Wakandan...factions?? have to say if they want to challenge him or whatever the fuck iono. They all say nah, and then some Gorilla (sus?) dude shows up to challenge T'Challa. The Gorilla (why) dudes were dope, but whatever their challenger ended up getting beat by T'Challa which I side-eye a lot lmao. Like, let's be serious. Like T'Challa is t'chill and all lol but he aint breaking nobody's back. This dude needs to put a cardigan on and get to filing Wakanda's taxes lol like please, and spare me.

Oh but let me say I thought M'Baku was funny. So that's nice lol. Okay wait what was the primary conflict here? Several things I guess? So the missing artifact thing I guess. Andy Serkis and his bae-complice? Erik Killedmadpeople are trying to sell some Wakandan...Look. I barely cared. Let's just show MBJ in those glasses again, okay? Stop playing games smh.  

But after Erik killed Andy Serkis, the conflict was...how...Erik beat the brakes off T'Challa's ass, easily, and became the new king of Wakanda. His backstory is...that he is T'Challa's cousin. Typical black family tomfoolery. T'Challa's daddy killed his own brother because old dude wanted to share Wakanda's magic with the world? Is that right? I mean, to be fair, Erik's daddy had pulled a gun, but dude killed his brother with zero hesitation. 

My dude. T'chill. Like, t'chilllllll!!!!!! Talk it out first? Though I guess you could argue he did? Idk, their fam is ratchet. Now you got Erik running around murdering people like it's nothing cuz his Afrikaan fam abandoned him in fucking Oakland of all places lmao. Mess, truly. 

So Erik become king because he is what? THAT BITCH. T'Challa survive gettin' thrown over a fucking waterfall, honestly, via movie magic lol. He should be dead and Erik should be king and That's That. Give me Black Panther 2 and the whole world is on fire, thanks :)

But no!!!!! The Gorillas (smh) save his ass and then Nakia (princess) come thru with that flower or whatever to give him iono truly I barely paid attention cuz so much dumb tbh. So T'Challa live and when he showed up to confront Erik who--BTW!!!

Like, BTW, Erik's goal was really, like, noble and good? But it was hard to get totally into him & his cause because he was like truly a garbage person lol. How are you savagely murdering everyone in your path yet at the same time talking about saving the world? #MakeItMakeSense, sis. 

So T'Challa turns up to stop Erik & them from saving the world. Lol. Like, truly, this is his goal. 

I zone out, always, during action scenes in films. So I barely know what's going on. But yada yada yada, everything gets ~solved~. Most importantly, Erik dies* and T'Challa become king again. Yay. 

I guess.

How this movie end? T'Challa and Nakia kiss!!!!! And then...idk. Truly, idk. But maybe this first movie, which was a lil weak, will be Black Panther's Batman Begins, and then we'll get some lit ass Dark Knight type shit for BP2. But like if Erik isn't gonna be there*, I doubt it :)

Oh, I wrote notes to help guide me in writing this because I have truly lost the plot. I didn't even use them, but I wish to expound. No one is reading this please stop and just die smh:

-ryan cooglers accent

I know I was not the only one shook at Ryan Coogler's hood ass accent when he accepted his BET Award lol. He sounded real af. He is so cute pleaz. I feel bad for shading BP because, in general, I'm excited for him as a creative. I did say this movie could've been worse, give me a break! I can't wait for Creed 2 smfh. He better be directing it or I will throw up. 

-SHURI!! why r ur toes out in my lab..

QUEEN! I hope Letitia Wright blows the tf up. While I was watching her I was just imagining her in a bunch of different roles and movies, pleeeeassse universe give me thissssssss!!! Why am I so inarticulate smh the universe is gonna ignore me please I hope sum1 less stupid is praying for this 2 lol pleeeeazzzz

-*um, team erik...(is he dead??)

Um, neaux uhfence, but Team Erik. Who happily? proudly? confessed to murdering...so many. So many people lol. You need to chill, bruh, but I'm rooting for you. Should I be? I mean!!!! Nah!!!! lol. Maybe it was cuz he was American???? But I am in no way patriotic. I think it was cuz when he wore those glasses in the museum lol

But wait is he dead, or nah? I feel like certainly he is and I'm annoyed. Do you expect me to watch the next shits if he aint fake hood talkin' @ them African Heads wit' mad disrespect?? *chokes from cackling for hours* 

-offensive ghetto american shit smh lol

Now, sis. Lol. Like, is it inaccurate? No. But like...idk. I don't like to be the type feeling pressed and triggered about any old ting. But they were doing a lot with their portrayal of the hood lol. That's all imma say. Was it inaccurate? Again, no. But you know what I mean.. And T'Challa coming to ~save the American blacks from their slavery strife with his G-Wagon spaceship or whatever the fuck~. Girl, me guess.

-hot villain white dude

Um, Andy Serkis can get these cheeks, and that's that. #professionalblog

-martin freeman american

I love Martin Freeman. Don't ever make him be American again, though. Part of his shitty midget white boy charm is the AUCKCENT!!! He almost becomes completely regular with it stripped. Still, I think he's in the next one? (And other of these shitty movies?) So yay lol (also do I ship him with Shuri and Nakia? Yes, and mind your business!!!)

-y does present day forest look 1,000 when that past scene was only like 20 yrs ago?? Nigga wtf happened to u??? Drink vibranium, take sum vibranium tablets TF

Yooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A true choke lmao. WHY TF DOES PRESENT DAY FOREST LOOK A BILLION YEARS OLD WHEN IN THE NINETIES HE WAS LIKE IN HIS TWENTIES, AT BEST???? ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?? Bruh, this shit was so funny lmao. Yo, like, please. This on the same level as that baby doll in American Sniper. Not the same thing happening, but the overt badness they are trying to pass off for real for real lol. Truly hilarious. 

-mbj was hot as hell when he poisoned that lady smh

Anyway! 

All in all, though, this was a superior film to Citizen Kane. Black Panther joins the many thousands if not millions of films, that are, in fact, better than that. Like...I can't even type that movie's name. Even though I just did. I can't type it again, though.