The Lobster (2015)/The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)

I watched these 2 back to back months ago so now I will make the mistake of writing about them :')

Colin Farrell acts the exact same awkward stilted way in both these films and I had no problems with it. Like, obvi he's no DDL or James Cagney, but I love me some Colin. 

Why? 

I do not know.

Remember that movie he did where he fucked that girl with TB and then she died? lol No? Good. It was really bad. But I watched that for him. I watch many bad things because Colin and his eyebrows are in them. Why? It is not like he is Stephen Dorff or Frank Grillo lol. Idk, but he's #bae.

I love when Colin does a ~comedy~. But...foreign comedy. Like In Bruges, or with this Greek freak that made The Lobster and Sacred Deer. Not "comedy" like Horrible Bosses or Phone Booth, okay? Not those. But these awkward overseas comedies work well 4 him.

Out of the two films, obviously, The Lobster is my favorite. I mean, a truly terrible, adorable film. I remember reading reviews for the film some while back that did a not good to mediocre job of conveying what the film was about. But I think that was intentional on the creator's end, and part of its charm. The reviews were like "If you are without relationship for 30 day then you are killed & reincarnated as animal" lol. 

But, basically.

I forgot the exact specifications, because I watched this twelve hundred years ago, but the movie starts with Colin fresh from a ~break up~. I think his bae did the breaking up. In the world of this movie, you have to go to this, like, rehabish sort of place to find your next mate. I think they're given 30 days to link with a new bae. If they fail, they are turned into an animal. They are allowed to choose what animal they'll turn into lol. So, that's nice.

Colin has a dog with him that turns out to be his brother. So his brother chose to be turned into a dog when he couldn't find (or refused) a bae. What animal would I pick, because there's no way I would find a bae lol. I wouldn't even do the 30 days. Waste of time. I'd just go straight to looking through Nat Geo and thinking about if I want to be a snow leopard or lemur. 

Honestly? Sloth.

Or Koala.

Or Panda.

What color Panda? I want to say...red? But I think that's a mistake.

Anyway, this movie has Ben Whishaw. 

All the time, every day, I wonder, What happened to Ben Whishaw? 

& I mean no offense. He is like, at the top of acting for me but doesn't get the Andrew Garfield or Tom Hardy roles and I'm like anyway.

But also I'm slacking on my movie-watching, because hey, here he is. And also the voice of Paddington (apparently it's good but I'm just like SIGH!) and in James Bond I think?

Here he plays a guy who lies so he can quickly obtain a bae. There's a girl at the Find-a-Bae center who gets nosebleeds, so Ben's character proceeds to severely harm himself to give himself nosebleeds, so he can scam bae. 

They get together and are sent on to Phase 2 or something. I think Phase 2 is like a honeymoon thing and to make sure you're compatible. If you pass, you're released back into the real world and are not killed and turned into a slug. 

At the Find-a-Bae center Colin is ~friends~ with John C. Reilly and I forgot everything that happened with him but I do remember a funny confrontation w/ him and Colin a little later in the film. Oh, that reminds me. As part of your "work" or whatever at the Find-a-Bae center, you're sent out on regular trips to "hunt" single people who are living out in the woods being outlaws, basically, for not being booed up. This movie is like...super funny.

Colin tries to make a go of it at the center, forcing a connection with some horrible woman who has no feelings. She ends up killing his dog-brother and Colin tries to act like no biggie but I think she hears him cry out in grief and wants to break up (and tell on him in like a hitler youthy sort of way I think?? lol). Something along those lines, but long story short, Colin ends up escaping the facility and going to live in the woods with the law-breaking single freaks.

Out in the woods, Colin discovers there's a ton of draconian rules there, too. The loveless woods people seem to have a leader played by Léa Seydoux who lets Colin know this and that that is or isn't allowed. I think, most importantly, one of the rules is not falling in love with anyone. 

But Rachel Weisz is one of the single woods people freaks, so um, good luck with that, Colin. 

So. I love Rachel Weisz. She's beautiful and I enjoy her presence. I'll watch whatever she does. Especially here, I was like baeeeeeee. So Colin never had a chance.

Léa seems pretty intense and scary, so it's certain there are serious consequences for Colin and Rachel falling in love and becoming Nicoles 4 eva. 

So the consequence here is that Léa blinds Rachel?????

Extremely rude. Was this symbolic? I guess a comment on...lust?? Though maybe it was exposing Léa's immature idea of ~love~???????? And also maybe society's??? Smh idfk. 

I thought the aftermath of Rachel's blinding was so cute but also lowkey harrowing. It was all awkward, I think Colin didn't know how to act/what to do? His character was already acting mad unfortunate and then his bae was blinded and he was just a mess. It was so sad when Rachel mentioned Colin hadn't brought her a rabbit in a while. I wanted to die and was scared he'd go completely off her.

But the ending was cute and romantic in a super terrible way lol. Base, Colin decides to blind himself. So he can match with bae. I think in this society the idea is that you're matchy matchy with your soulmate. It's childlike and weird, which makes it both adorable and extremely disturbing. My fave type of romantic shit.

They escape off to the Real World as a couple and go to a diner. There, Colin goes to the bathroom to stab his eyeballs out!! I don't think they showed it onscreen, because I woulda remembered that. I can't do eye stuff. They just had the movie end with Rachel sitting alone at the diner table while Collie was in the b-room jabbin' his eye orbs out. 

Romance! 

The Killing of a Sacred Deer is not a romantic film. Or is it??? 

*tries to think* *dies*

When I read reviews for this movie, I thought it was so much something else. For some reason from the reviews I understood this movie to be a mix of Frankenstein and that German (?) pedo film Michael. 

To my grave disappointment, this was not that. Mostly.

Here, C-Dog plays some awkward-talking doctor guy. He's booed up with Nicole Kidman and has two kids. 

So there's this yung lad, played by Barry Keoghan (a one to watch??  ug h h), and immediately I think Colin's character is having some sort of affair with the boy. 

But it's like way weirder and worse but also amazing and beautiful??? 

So Colin killed Barry's dad during surgery. Colin seems to feel a guilt, so he is engaging in some sort of relationship with the boy. I guess hesitantly, and with no great enthusiasm, slotting himself into the absent (cuz deceased cuz of Colin) father role. 

I can't remember if things started turning up because Colin was trying to fall back from the boy, or if the ~plan~ was always in place from the beginning.

The ~plan~ being for Barry to kill Colin's whole family maybe?, as like, you know, Revenge. 

So I'm forgetting some stuff, but Colin's kids fall sick. I think it's the boy first. He goes paralyzed; is bed-ridden and hospital-bound. Can't eat. Soon the girl follows with exact symptoms. If the illness progresses they will waste away and die. I think Barry explains when the eyes start to bleed, death is imminent. 

Oh, right, so Barry explains. He lets Colin know what's going on with his fam. His Plan. He tells Colin that if he kills one member of his family, then the rest are saved. If Colin doesn't kill one, they all die. 

So much of the film is just fucking around til Colin decides to murk one of his family members. Oh, and somewhere in here Alicia Silverstone turns up.

The part where Colin is deciding who to kill was hilarious.. He base put a bag on his head and spun around in a circle and where he stopped, he shot. The movie kind of, in my estimation, cops out by having Colin land on the son. He landed on him, right? Or did he take the bag off and just shoot him? Idk, but the son gets kilt. But he was already dying anyway so who cares? lol, no, I guess if Colin shot Nicole or the daughter he'd be cured w/ the spell broken? Idk, but should it be hilarious when a daddy kills his bae-son??? 

Maybe?!

It was super funny and the end when the fam sans son saw Barry @ the diner lol. Like, they really killed that boy. Choking, truly. How did they explain this white nonsense to the police? I guess I'm just supposed to be like ~it's magic~ and act like Colin shouldn't be in prison for murdering TWO people?? He was totes negligent as a doc - let's call a spade a spade. Barry did. He Had. Time! Queen of calling hoes to account!!

Ultimately, though, both these movies were better than Citizen Kane. And that's all you can really ask for at the end of the day.