Curb Your Enthusiasm

So I made the huge mistake of binge-watching every episode of Curb for absolutely no reason. Maybe because there was recently news Larry and his bald ass was coming back with a new season? I swear, bitch, finally! This nigga get on my nerves! lol Like why can't you run a series like a normal human being?! Tell me why this shit been on for like sixteen years but there's only half of that many seasons, hmm?? There should be like 52 seasons by now! Do this nigga think we in the UK with their little bitch-ass truncated series? Nah, bih! We're in America! Produce, produce, produce until you die! 

This is how you can tell this nigga rich, he just one entire shrug. I want to slap him. In a sexual way, but let's not get into that! Let's not do that right now! But why is every post on this blog such damning evidence of a person with a severely untreated mental disorder?? Somebody get a sponge!

:/

Can I stan for two seconds? (Bitch, what were you doing before?). I've been a huge Curb Your Enthusiasm fan since I was like thirteen. It was like the first show I watched that got me. Is it okay that for the first time a black thirteen year old girl relates to something on TV it's a show about a bald, like sixty year old Jew dude? Like, before Curb all I had was the Mavis Beacon Typing Game. That was the closest representation of me in media. Anyway, why does the universe insist on keeping me alive?! I don't get it!! 

So I relate to Curb a lot. Larry is mad awkward, but in a horrible way, which is me. There are various forms of Awkward™: weird awkward, sweet awkward, dweeb awkward, Asian awkward, not-awkward-they-have-Aspergers, not-awkward-they're-constipated, Tom Cruise, hostile awkward, Beyoncé, etc. So I think I fall under several awk categories (please kill me now): Hannibal Buress doing stand-up, George Michael Bluth, koreaboo, and hostile awkward. Out of all of the those, I'm the most hostile awkward. Or awkward-aggressive. It's like your awkwardness dominates any room you're in. Usually when you think of awkward you conflate that maybe with meek or shy. But the Hostile Awkward™ is neither. They're very on the far end of the Give No Fucks scale, and way too accurately they fit the proper definition of anti-social, which is: "basically a serial killer". 

Since I'm not all Hostile Awkward, I'm not a serial killer (yet). I think LD is not a serial killer because he is rich. If he never got Seinfeld he would've been Berkowitz 2, bet.

Anyway, what THE FUCK am I doing?? Curb was relatable to me, okay? Or it, like, really was when I was a teen, even though I wasn't even primarily Hostile Awk back then. I was in my soul, though. But I'm not totally confrontational even now. I get really sweaty, so I try to avoid it. #mustygang

*screaming* ANYWAY!! Now as a 26 year old Awkward™, I relate more to Peep Show, and my iconic uncomfortable bae, Mark Corrigan. Wow, I need to get my life together. What other awkward shit do I relate to more? Oh, OBVIOUSLY, Awkward Black Girl. Please. Wait, can I talk about web series on a strictly movie/TV blog? Why am I asking permission to do something on my own blog? See, this that shit I be talking about!! 

Wow, please help. You know what I also relate to a bit more? Seinfeld. Just like everything happening there. I didn't start watching Seinfeld til my twenties, after Curb. I didn't even like it at first, but now I realize it as an encapsulation of my entire soul. Gotta make some changes. 

Let's talk about Curb shit I love j*sus take the wheel. 

-Larry, obvi. LD is bae. Do I want him to be? No. He doesn't have any lips, and he'd be like the worst boyfriend. I'd be mad annoyed all day every day. But maybe I could find it in myself to ignore his MANY flaws, as long as those Seinfeld checks kept rolling in. It'd be better if we could marry then divorce, though, so I could get the money without having to let him fuck me while he listens to messages on his answering machine. But what am I honestly doing right now?? 

-Funkhouser.

Marty Funkhouser/Bob Einstein comes through in later seasons and completely slays and steals the show. I love his burned victim looking ass so much. I lowkey want a Funkhouser spin-off, but we know that'd be some mess (give it to me anyway). In the screenshots I took above, I laughed until I died. Ghost Bitch writing this rn. "IF YOU WEREN'T MY BEST FRIEND" is fucking iconic. Omg and remember when he was telling that joke to Jerry Seinfeld? Like, "a woman is afraid of her opening..." Jerry was like "Her what?". Just. Einstein's whole delivery and the terribleness of that joke - sigh. Honestly everything about him. What versh of Awkward™ is Einstein? Dude Named Bob Einstein Who Looks As If He Just Escaped A Burning Race Car Awkward™?

:/

-Susie. Susie is bae. She be doing the most, but I live, obviously. Why are she and Jeff married, though? That relationship seems really mismatched. Like honestly their scenes don't even have me in ha-ha this is funny mode, but sincerely concerned for them. Is that the joke? #stopwhitepeople

-Leon. This some tap dancing ass shit lowkey (highkey), but I still get my life. I love how Leon just keeps living with Larry even after the rest of his fam dips, but even more, I love how it's obvious when someone's role is extended or they're asked to be on the show more because David thinks they're funny. It's so cute or something, idk. Wait, but explain Jeff Garlin. He mad unfunny. lol, what's the deal with him? I like The Goldbergs, though. Not because of his fat ass, though! (help.)

-Rachel Heineman from the ski lift episode and also the one when that woman steals Larry's jacket from his car. WAIT - can we talk about that for a minute? Who just takes a jacket from somebody's car? She was mad entitled. It's not like it was just lying around! And even if it were - um, it's not yours?? lol, a lot of times on the show, even though I relate to Larry's mess, I know he be in the wrong. But in this instance? Nah. Was he supposed to not say anything cuz she just got engaged? Fuck her engagement! lol wait what am I doing I'm posed to be talking about my bae Rachel Heineman. I just loved, loved how disgusted she was with Larry lol. Her face when he was talking to her dad, pretending to be Super-Jew and married to Susie: it gave me my entire bitch ass life, and then some. Def would've loved if she'd been brought back more, but I guess that would've been awkward? But...they awkwardly brought back that blind dude lol. They could've made Rach be like...walking around outside somewhere idk lol. Bring back my Orthodox bae!

-Christian Slater in that episode. lol. I don't even fully remember the ep. Was that the one OH THAT'S THE EP WHERE LARRY TELLS SAMMI TO SHUT THE FUCK UP Pleeeeeassssseeeee. #iconic. But I just loved Larry saying to Christian that he was eating the caviar like it was chips. lol. I didn't even care about Christian's role, just that Larry got to say that chips line. Wait but can we talk about Xtian's voice? Why he talk like that? #whychristianslatergotthevoiceofamuppetorsomethingblog

-Michael J. Fox in his episode. Quiet as it's kept: He lowkey Did That™. When Larry and Leon were being kept awake by the stomping going on in his apartment so Larry went up there and MJF had on them fucking Timbs? Girl, PLEASE! Iconic. Ask his shakey ass to be on the show again, LD. Yes, I can call you LD. We're <here>. We're like >this<. Anyway, when I was watching the show on Amazon, they included some little trivia on the screen (cool? eh). Apparently you and Richard Lewis went to summer camp together when you were kids or some shit and reunited later on the comedy scene? That's the gayest shit I ever heard. But anyway, what's the deal with that dude? Why is he like the Jewish Grim Reaper? Is that his #aesthetic? I think that's a weird thing to choose as your aesthetic. Do people who know him just...accept that? I would be roastin' that nigga every day, idgi. Anyway, hurry up with the new season! Clap clap, my guy! And bring Krazee-Eyez Killa back! lol just kidding, don't. Say no to Chris Williams' lisp blog.