Devil's Knot (2013)

Atom Egoyan is one my favorite lowkey shitty directors lol. I feel like no one is checking for Atom like that, so he doesn't get a rep like M. Night, but Atom be whilin lol. Like...literally all of his movies are mad terrible? No, that's too mean and not even true. His movies are how M. Night's movies are to me - Like, what is this? I'm uncomfortably into it...but what is happening? This literal movie I'm watching right now is called The Happening (2008), but I know the opposite of what is. 

The first Atom film I saw was The Sweet Hereafter. That movie really affected me...which made me think it was good...and it kind of is...but also it's completely ridiculous? Lol like there's a storyline where a dad is banging his daughter and they have sensual, romantic love-making in a barn or some shit and then she gets paralyzed in an accident and he stops fucking her?????? And then she's all sad like Why come my daddy won't fuck me anymore?? Is it cuz I'm crippled now?? LIKE THE ONLY REASON THE DAD STOPS FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER IS CUZ SHE GETS IN A WHEELCHAIR??? lol like please watch The Sweet Hereafter. It's like quintessential fake deep. It's like a Devendra Banhart song, but worse, cuz visuals. No, Arcade Fire. Def more Arcade Fire. Their last album. (Sorry, Devendra).

Anyway what am I doing? Idk, I've just been wanting to drag Atom for a minute! Cuz he duped me with The Sweet Hereafter a little bit. Like M. Night with The Sixth Sense. I'm sitting here thinking: Oh, shit, auteur. Then you watch more of his stuff and it's like 

But his movies are very ~~serious~~ and explore "deep" subject matter and topics like the Armenian genocide, mommies boys, and exotic Canadian love stories, etc, so I feel like he gets a pass because 1. not too many people are doing what he's doing and 2. His name is Atom Egoyan. He just kind of has the name of a person you feel like you should respect and whose movies you should think are expertly crafted and groundbreaking. What a fucking scammer lol because his shit is a mess!!!

Devil's Knot is no exception. Number one: Why was this made when the Paradise Lost series exists? Like...the real life documentation of the court trial of this case?? Hmmm?? lol. No, tbh, I was excited when I heard about this movie because I thought it would explore sides from the Paradise Lost films that we didn't see. However, it didn't??? Like...why. Why...did this movie focus so much on like an investigative attorney who wasn't even appointed the case? Just some sideline nigga caping for the boys and he wasn't even successful??? And why cast Colin Firth?? He was mad out of place. His accent was a mess. And then the other main character was one of the moms of the slain boys, played by Reese Witherspoon. I don't clearly remember the Paradise Lost series, but I could have sworn none of the parents were sympathetic. Maybe I'm misremembering or they didn't focus on all of them? But I remember being mad suspicious of all the parents, and at the very least, thinking they were all white trash?? But Reese's character was hella sympathetic? Maybe that's what Atom wanted to do?? Show they weren't just trash and shit? But the documentary was....real life lol. You can't rewrite real life actual shit I seent with my own eyeballs: all them niggas was like two missing teeth away from Ozark Mountain troglodytes. They were all trash and thus all responsible for the deaths of those boys, imo. 

What I do remember is Terry Hobbs. At least, I think?? Ummmmmmm why was Alessandro Nivola's cute ass playing him?? You trippin, Atom!! Terry was ugly as fuck!! Terry was so ugly! The "Hollywood pretty" version of Terry should've been like fucking William H. Macy or some shit, not cute ass Alessandro! You whilin! See this that shit I'm talking about! And Terry turning out to "ALLEGEDLY" be the killer/one of the killers made so much sense cuz he looked like he'd kill some kids! He just had that exact, cliché look. I guess Alessandro kind of does, too. He got serial killer eyes. But Terry had that I'm white trash and I have nothing to live for so why not tie up some kids and sodomize and murder them aesthetic. It was so perfect! Come on now!! 

Okay whatever. Let's talk about performances I liked. This movie was such a mess and so unnecessary to have been made, but there were some good performances, right? Wait...but were there? FIRST OF ALL WHY WAS DANE DEHAAN HYPED WHEN HE WAS BARELY IN THIS??? I'm tired. Is Dane falling off? Like why am I stanning a nigga embarrassing himself for ten minutes of screen time in an Atom Egoyan film? Where they do this at, Dane?! Why are you letting Michael B. Jordan be the most famous one from Chronicle?! *Tyra screaming voice* I was rooting for you!! We were all rooting for you!! 

Anyway, clap clap for James Hamrick. I will stan you, instead. Damien was my fave from the doc (obviously) (eventho I'm still not sure if he's innocent), so it makes sense he was my fave in the movie. I feel it would've been easy to fuck up the character or try too hard to capture the Damien ~~emo~~ essence, but James Hamrick really made this role his own and I was fucking living. Like I almost regretted watching this lol but then James showed up and I like...breathed a sigh of relief. Just a breath of fresh air in a foggy haze of stale ass mustiness. So I'll def be checking for this nigga more. Watch this be his only role I care about. I'm getting one hit wonder teas, but he might turn up again. We'll see. I just cursed you fuck.

No other notable performances in this lol. Maybe Alessandro, and maybe, randomly, Matt Letscher. Also Bruce Greenwood. Because he's Bruce Greenwood. #brucegreenwoodstanblog #whatamidoingwithmylifedotcom

But no other performances of note to speak of!! Like, bye! And this movie had the nerve to come across as ~important~. Atom, girl. I did really love that scene where they discovered the boys' bodies. Not because I, like, want to see boy corpses or anything suspicious like that - it was just beautiful and chilling. I will give you props, Atom - you good at pretty shook-making. Keep up the good work, I guess. Sigh. 

Yo, but why I still don't know who killed them boys? Like, 98% it was Terry, right? Lol. And then that other nigga. No, it's not funny. But why is it so obvious? It's so obvious it seems too obvious, you know? Atom probably killed them. How you gon' kill some niggas then make a whole movie about how you killed some niggas and no one suspected you cuz your name is Atom Egoyan?? Mess. You know what I just got reminded of? Rectify. I didn't watch season 3 because I assumed it was cancelled, but apparently this shit almost on season 4? Who the fuck watches Rectify?! I be feeling like the only person on Earth, and I don't even watch it! Smh, lemme catch up on seaz3. Did Daniel kill that bitch, or nah?! Atom wishes he could pull some shit like Rectify off. No, stay away!!!! Don't do it, boy!! 

Fake Deep: Love Jones (1997)

I've been wanting to see this movie for a minute. It's one of the few romantic black films from the nineties that I haven't seen. Oh my goddddd, there were so many good romantic black films then, right? Like the nineties and then a little it spilled into the early aughts with a few things? Sigh, that shit is over now. There's going to be a resurgence, though. I know it. More (good) black romantic films, I can smell it! I'm excited, but there's definitely been a major drought, and all anyone who loves these types of movies can do is just rewatch all the old shit. My faves are...Love & Basketball (obviously), Poetic Justice, and maybe...The Wood. And by faves, I mean movies I rewatch obsessively, but there are a ton of other romantic black movies from that era that are good and I really like and please go back to making them? And no, not that Steve Harvey shit, or that WRETCHED About Last Night remake, or that fucking wedding movie where Paula Patton was marrying Laz Alonso and wasn't Kevin Hart's annoying ass in that too?? Keep Kevin's little rat ass OUT of my black romance movies. THANK YOU, SIR!! Thanks!! No! Thank you!!!!! 

Love Jones was a movie from this good era of black movies that I missed. I think when I first knew about it...I was uninterested. Larenz Tate's small ass is not, like, a romantic lead for me. Though I like his acting, I'm not tryna see his liddle ass put it down. But! I kept hearing people throwing this movie out every time there was like a "What's your favorite black movie/romantic film?" sort of conversation. So it got me interested. 

I finally watched it the other day on youtube because my life is in shambles and watching movies on youtube is, like, something that is a constant. Youtube movie watching shouldn't...be anyone's constant, BUT HERE WE ARE!! 

Off top: I hated this movie. Lol, no...no. Hate is...too passionate a word. But I definitely wanted it to immediately go off like two seconds into watching it. I was like, instantly disgusted with how sort of smug and fake-deep and ~I write poetry~ Tate's character Darius was. I was so fucking over it before it barely even began lol like please and goodbye. I will say, though: I am an extremely cynical and ugly person lol. Like, some nigga reading poetry and talking all that I will ejaculate a million orgasms into you or whatever the fuck...makes me want to vom. If some nigga, WHOM I JUST MET, dedicated some crusty ass poem like that to me, I would call the police. 

That whole...scene at the bar/poetry slam was so disgusting. Do people really go to bars where niggas are reading poetry? Are drunk niggas really into that? lol okay. I guess in the delusional world of this movie they are? OMG AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN NINA WROTE "LOVE" ON DARIUS' HAND AND HE WAS LOOKING ALL SHOOK. This movie was so corny and extra wayyyyyyy too soon in the game, spare me. 

However, I repeat: I am rotting internally :)

So I'm watching this movie through the lens of someone *Joanne Prada voice* HYPER-KRITIKUUUL, who can't just...accept what is presented to me, as is? You know, like, these characters are corny. Particularly Darius. I am almost certain they are intentionally written that way. Like, Darius is a writer and he's so a writer. And it's like, accept he's a sort of smug, annoying ~dude of the pen~ and try not to be too eyerolly. But, sigh, I couldn't help it. My feelings of wanting to die were too overpowering :(

CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT DARIUS STALKING NINA?????? Like, I was legit screaming when he showed up at her place. Um, also, can we discuss how Nina was able to afford that nice ass pad? Wasn't she a freelance photographer? But even before that she just seemed to be an assistant? How you getting that dope ass apartment? It had like a second floor and everything but okay lol. NO ANSWER ME HOW WAS SHE PAYING FOR THAT??

So you see I was paying more attention to, perhaps, non-significant details instead of the fucking love story. I will say I struggled trying to decide if Nia Long and Larenz Tate even had chemistry. Sometimes I'd think there was none there, and other times they felt like a perfect pairing, but this did not correlate with the times they were actively together in the film. Like, they'd be in a "good" place in their relationship and I'd be looking at them like "Who was responsible for casting?". Like, the morning after they first fucked I thought was awkward and they looked weird together but was it intentionally awkward because they just had sex for the first time or was the chemistry off?

I will say I was rooting for these idiots to get it together. So maybe the chemistry was okay enough. Like, I was annoyed...when Nina went to NY to be with Marvin? That seemed like a simple bitch move, but okay. Maybe she was still unsure because their break-up was fresh, fine, but I was also annoyed at Darius for being like "Well, whatever, we're just friends, right?". As much as you two fuck and are laid up together and you're "just friends"? Lol okay. Why not just say you were uncomfortable with her leaving? It's not like it would be him telling her not to go. But maybe if he expressed he didn't want her leaving to be with some fucking other man...maybe she would have stayed and their nascent ass relationship wouldn't have turned out all messy? Because shit went downhill fast. Is this how romance and stuff typically goes? My non-experienced ass has no actual idea, but it seems weird they didn't consider their relationship at that point as a...relationship. And Nina even considering Marvin's proposal was so bizarre. Like, you have a boyfriend? But...I guess not??

AND THEN HER DATING BILL BELLAMY!! That was wild disrespectful!! Why would you date your...ex's friend? Though I guess she didn't consider Darius an ex? Which 

But Bellamy was even more foul for dating his homey's girl!! THAT SHIT WAS WILD WHO DOES THAT?! Lol I'm screaming. Bellamy (idfk his character's name) was giving me downlow tease. Like him bringing Nina to the party where he knew Darius and 'em would be (though Nina's dumb ass shoulda known too smh). Bellamy was lowkey in love with Darius, no? Like he was definitely at least a hater. I guess cuz Darius was a writery writer. Mr. Author of Gypsy Eyes. Girl, I guess!! 

Sigh, this movie got on my nerves. You know what had me heated? Nina taking up smoking. She chided Darius smoking in the beginning of the film and then we see her doing it when they're together later and I was wondering...what that was supposed to mean? Like her taking up smoking is a bad thing and not cute and clearly their relationship is maybe a little toxic? Am I supposed to be rooting for this mess? Again, I guess. Imma just post screenshots I took so I don't have to try to have an intelligent conversation anymore (1. u thot! and 2. with who, bitch? whom are you conversing with?? this is a blog no one reads!! gather ur bearings!!). 

The nigga from Drumline. He will always be the nigga from Drumline to me. Is that a bad thing? No! Drumline is a dope movie and he was good in it!! But what is happening here? What are...what is on your head, sir? His whole character was a dick. He looks like one and his head is a bellend and that's why he's wearing your creepy uncle's hat that he sports while harassing "young thangs" on public transportation. 

She was like the fucking moral arbiter of the movie, judging all these niggas and their actions. But...you're a woman with seemingly only male friends, so. It was just a juxtapose. I wouldn't be someone hanging around with all niggas and expect not to see some fuckshit. It was weird how judgey she was of them. You know how niggas be. Like, get a girl squad and save yourself the stress. 

I was trying to get a good shot of Isaiah Washington's...hair. Can we talk about Isaiah Washington? Sigh lol. I really like his presence onscreen. Very commanding. I wish...he wouldn't have kind of maybe fucked his career up with Grey's, calling niggas faggots and shit on set. It seems that's been kind of smoothed over, I guess? I just want him in more shit, ngl. He's really fun to watch, even though I usually hate his characters. He's always playing someone mad smug and entitled. But that's probably just...him irl lol and he's hired for these roles cuz they know he can deliver. Tragíque. 

sigh @ me

idk...they're cute...

Darius doing THE MOST before performing his obnoxious ass poetry. I just noticed Larenz has a widow's peak. Somehow, that is so him. Can we real quick talk about his ~cameo~ on Sisterhood of Hip Hop? Does anyone watch that lol? It looks mad contrived, but I guess so does any reality show. Anyway, when is season 3?? Asking for a friend.

smol

Not sure... But why does Larenz Tate look exactly like Jaden Smith? Let's discuss. 

...

So I took...mad screencaps of Darius's body.........

lol anyway let's talk about how Larenz is country af. His liddle accent was so cute throughout the movie. Where is he from? Ugh watch he be from Chicago or something I am always so wrong about where niggas be from. This nigga probably Canadian. That would explain SO MUCH.

eta: HE FROM CHICAGO I'M FUCKING AXMC,SDCREEMAMA,ING GNGNGN

MARVIN WAS A TRIP! And him spazzing about that cereal!!!! Deleet him lol. But anyway he has nice lips sigh

So um, Bill Bellamy was cute to me in this? Sigh, I guess he's an attractive dude. But he's so...annoying. It clouds the hotness.

Don't ask me why I took four screenshots of this idiot, but this scene was WILD!

What sort of model...is this. This nigga looks like a lost member of Jodeci but umkay. And I am SO MAD I failed to capture him fucking bending down. Like, what are you even modeling squatting like you tryna relieve constipation? (Constipation drugs...) I will never forgive myself for not screen capturing his bend down pooping stance please!! 

GOODBYE!!!!

Pretty much all these were taken because I was trying to capture Nina getting her relaxed hair wet. The audacity of this movie. Fake deep ass!!!

Lost River (2014)

So Ry Duck was really inspired by his frequent director daddies Derek Cianfrance and Nicolas Winding Refn, right? Cuz Lost River is basically all the movies he did with them jammed together into one of those little jelly burger pattie candies. Like Lost River is basically The Place Beyond the Pines meets Drive. Meets all that other shit. But like a Silly Putty imprint of them. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's also not, like, a good thing????

The movie was alright. Like it was okay. It had some good...imagery? I guess? And it had Christina Hendricks' beautiful ass. I mean not her ass, but, just her general...all-around...body?? Ugh. Also it had Saoirse, who is...like, I LOVE Saoirse. Lowkey both of them were wasted here? I mean, anyone with talent in this movie was? Everyone had their little moment, but overall they could've been given more. My child Ben Mendelsohn probably had the best moments. Though he could've kept that dancing. However the dancing was lowkey the best acting opportunity in the film??? Sigh. Ryan filmed his wifey really well, right? Like Eva looked interesting. She barely had lines, though, so...awkward. Or am I projecting? No, I DO NOT THINK SO. Uhhh...Matt Smith had some stuff to do? But, like, not really? Looking like a skinhead and scissoring off your friend's lips is...not...enough. Like you're not Crispin Glover. You can't just show up looking weird and think that's all you have to do. Show me them Doctor Who acting chops. Or, better yet, don't.

This movie was all pomp, no circumstance. I have to steal that conversation Eric André and Hannibal Buress had about Colombiana on their show. Like, most movies are all pomp no circumstance? Which...is frightening? But films are a reflection of the state of society, and, well. Lol #fakedeep. But seriously, this movie had no substance. It like...tried to? Like it touched on these towns that are suffering from their own individual depressions and essentially disappearing? Which is a worthy/interesting topic? Christina's character is having problems with money and keeping her home, which is how she ends up working in some weird burlesque freakshow with Ben and Eva's characters. So like Ryan tried to talk about how people are struggling and the things they go through, but he couldn't resist like...watercoloring all over it? Tell me why Christina is walking into a dream sequence instead of like a seedy motel and giving twenty dollar sloppy beejays to suicidal Pep Boys managers? Ryan could've made a real movie, but instead chose to have a character named "Bully" running around chopping off rats' heads and thinking he's intimidating people with his sickly-looking, ultra-white ass. Lol okay.

But honestly I don't expect this movie would have been any better if it were more "real". The stylish aspect was all Ryan had going for him, and he did a pretty good job at that, I think, so. I like stylistic films so I don't want to complain too much. Like I muchly love Xavier Dolan for all his flourishes and The Knife songs? But also I feel like his movies at least have some substance? And again, Lost River tried to??? Ugh idk. Ultimately it was a failure lol. But I'll watch more Gosling productions. This was his first one, right? So not super-bad for a first go condescendingcondescending. Possibly Ryan will eventually really bring some good shit in the future. I glimpse promise, so we'll see. Wait - do you think he will read this not so positive review of his film and decide to stop making movies all together? *Insert that gif of Eartha Kitt cackling and going "Stupid!"*