Lost River (2014)

So Ry Duck was really inspired by his frequent director daddies Derek Cianfrance and Nicolas Winding Refn, right? Cuz Lost River is basically all the movies he did with them jammed together into one of those little jelly burger pattie candies. Like Lost River is basically The Place Beyond the Pines meets Drive. Meets all that other shit. But like a Silly Putty imprint of them. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's also not, like, a good thing????

The movie was alright. Like it was okay. It had some good...imagery? I guess? And it had Christina Hendricks' beautiful ass. I mean not her ass, but, just her general...all-around...body?? Ugh. Also it had Saoirse, who is...like, I LOVE Saoirse. Lowkey both of them were wasted here? I mean, anyone with talent in this movie was? Everyone had their little moment, but overall they could've been given more. My child Ben Mendelsohn probably had the best moments. Though he could've kept that dancing. However the dancing was lowkey the best acting opportunity in the film??? Sigh. Ryan filmed his wifey really well, right? Like Eva looked interesting. She barely had lines, though, so...awkward. Or am I projecting? No, I DO NOT THINK SO. Uhhh...Matt Smith had some stuff to do? But, like, not really? Looking like a skinhead and scissoring off your friend's lips is...not...enough. Like you're not Crispin Glover. You can't just show up looking weird and think that's all you have to do. Show me them Doctor Who acting chops. Or, better yet, don't.

This movie was all pomp, no circumstance. I have to steal that conversation Eric André and Hannibal Buress had about Colombiana on their show. Like, most movies are all pomp no circumstance? Which...is frightening? But films are a reflection of the state of society, and, well. Lol #fakedeep. But seriously, this movie had no substance. It like...tried to? Like it touched on these towns that are suffering from their own individual depressions and essentially disappearing? Which is a worthy/interesting topic? Christina's character is having problems with money and keeping her home, which is how she ends up working in some weird burlesque freakshow with Ben and Eva's characters. So like Ryan tried to talk about how people are struggling and the things they go through, but he couldn't resist like...watercoloring all over it? Tell me why Christina is walking into a dream sequence instead of like a seedy motel and giving twenty dollar sloppy beejays to suicidal Pep Boys managers? Ryan could've made a real movie, but instead chose to have a character named "Bully" running around chopping off rats' heads and thinking he's intimidating people with his sickly-looking, ultra-white ass. Lol okay.

But honestly I don't expect this movie would have been any better if it were more "real". The stylish aspect was all Ryan had going for him, and he did a pretty good job at that, I think, so. I like stylistic films so I don't want to complain too much. Like I muchly love Xavier Dolan for all his flourishes and The Knife songs? But also I feel like his movies at least have some substance? And again, Lost River tried to??? Ugh idk. Ultimately it was a failure lol. But I'll watch more Gosling productions. This was his first one, right? So not super-bad for a first go condescendingcondescending. Possibly Ryan will eventually really bring some good shit in the future. I glimpse promise, so we'll see. Wait - do you think he will read this not so positive review of his film and decide to stop making movies all together? *Insert that gif of Eartha Kitt cackling and going "Stupid!"*