Big Little Lies, Season 1

1. When THE FUCK is season 2 and

2. Why did I like this show so much?

This feels like the type of show I would've stanned hard for in, like, 2009. Like, really feeling I'm doing something being a fan of some ~high brow~ drama on cable. Like when I first started watching Mad Men or something lol. But this is...2017. A show like this is almost a little stale? Like, honestly? This show was lowkey whack lol. Like the storylines and how...guessable everything was? And also kind of trying mad hard to hit all these points. Like, I don't know if we were supposed to clock Jane's tea from jumpstreet, but I had the entire ~mysterious~ broad figured out by like the end of episode 2, sooooo idk!! And then all the kind of cliché things with the marriages and the kids and the milky ass white people drama. 

BUT OKAY WHY DID I LOVE IT SO MUCH ANYWAY, THO?? I think...probably fairly good to Great acting from the main actresses: Reese, Nicole, Shailene and Laura. These ladies typically to always deliver. Remember when I used to kind of not care about Shailene but saw Divergent and for some reason that changed my mind about her lol. Reese...I like sometimes? I don't feel I'm a Reese fan, but I'm not not into her? And I loved her here, she was funny and like bitchy and like very Reese, which may/may not count as acting but let's ignore that! And then Laura's weird ass. At first when I found out about Laura Dern as a human actress, I was horrified. And I continue to be. But that's a good thing mostly. And my bae Nicole. I stan Nicole almost for no reason. Like sometimes I sit and think...Am I a Nicole Kidman stan? And just feel weird. But she's a good actress and we don't need to get into that too much!! Thank you!! 

So the show is about a bunch of white people from some California beach town or some shit and it's like I already seent The O.C., but anyway! It mainly focuses on like four white moms.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AWKWARD THIS SHOW WAS WITH, LIKE, BLACK STUFF? This isn't the type of show...where I'm watching wondering where all the niggas at. This is a story about white people by white people I presume, so I am not looking for fucking Isaiah Washington or CCH Pounder or anything, you know? But I felt weird about two things, as a black person who is constantly feeling weird about certain things lol:

1. Zoë Kravitz kinda being put out there as one of the leads when she was barely in the show and they kept making comments about how her awkward dancing and benign singing was making all the guys in the room have boners?????

and

2. Like most of the music was black? And then it was weird when they were singing Elvis songs towards the end? I can't...tell if this was on purpose. I don't think so??? I think this is just a show made by white people and they have like no idea. Like they genuinely have no idea. And that's...pretty bad!!! lol. Felt weird. Again, don't expect to see any black people in this type of show and do. not. care. if they are there and would honestly prefer if they weren't? Because this sum ratchet white people bs let's keep it real so like I don't need Blair Underwood playing someone's uncomfortable stepdad (I would love that, actually). It's fine! But like...next time just have no trace of black people at all. Not even crumbs of a trace with a Zoë-type shoved awkwardly in to sprinkle some ~sex appeal~ on this dusty shit. I can't be the only bitch you was making uncomfortable with this shit! There are at least three other people who watched this and felt the same way!! So change your show to make sure we don't feel weird next seaz, thanks!!! 

But anyway I mostly liked the show until I remember how lame it was how they presented Celeste's storyline and the abuse going on there. Everyone kept talking about how perfect and beautiful her and the Incredible Hulk were. It was eyeroll and yawn. First off all! Nicole Kidman needs to go back to curly, red hair and people need to not act like she's Charlize Theron in 2004. She's alright. And Alexander Skarsgård is kinda hella awkward? In motion. I could see him being a model (standing completely still!) and people salivating or whatever, but watching him move and talk, he looks like a fucking goof. I would never in my life look at Celeste and Jorm or whatever his name was lol and be like SO PERFECT SO BEAUTY. Like they look MAD WHITE!! Lol smh. And Celeste would clearly be mad uncomfy with him?? And their sons look like children of the corn! Fuck outta here! But yeah everyone was so fooled. 

Lol remember when Celeste was telling Madeline how she and Jorm's fights always culminate in fucking and Madeline was all lowkey disgusted and disturbed lol. Honestly? I feel fucked up because that wouldn't ping my radar like that. What would is Celeste telling me they have actual intercourse at all. They both look like they don't have any genitals. Honestly I would think she was just tryna make me think they have some sexy ass romance but really they just like play patty cake in the gazebo and then Jorm sometimes kicks her hard in the shin when she takes too long finding him when they play Hide & Seek. BUT THAT'S JUST ME!! 

The storyline I thought was really good was Jane's. Wait, not necessarily good. It was kind of hackneyed like the rest (Celeste and her whack ass affair, pleeeeez!!), but the way Shailene played it was really good, and it had...emotional weight, even tho it was kind of awkward to like right away know who the father of her child was...? Lol, like when they were looking for that Saxon dude it was like okay..............it's not him lol. But um, it still gave me some emotions, and I felt very lit af in my heart when she finally sees Jorm at the end and like grips Celeste's arm and shit pops the fuck awf. Can we talk how that scene was simultaneously super amazing but also like really, super bad lol. Just Bonnie's nosy ass alone not minding her fucking business and killing someone's husband lol. Uhhhh did Celeste say you could do that? Idk, girl! And how do you see one arm grab and think something is investigate-able? I guess they painted Bonnie as being like some Mother Earth ass I care for all people type broad, but she seemed fake ass fuck when she was judging her nigga for eating that cereal, so I don't know. 

But like what was up with that waiter dude? Played by Shawn Ashmore probably. I died when Jane was like Ur Str8? But then took him as her date to that terrible themed party??? WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AUBREY HEPBURN ELVIS PRESLEY THEMED PARTY? What is that?! That was one of the moments where I felt okay this is on purpose and they're making fun of how lame these type of people can be? But it wasn't clear because like everyone unironically participated sooooooo??? 

Girl, whatever, when season 2? Stop playing games--WAIT BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE AFFAIR HAS DEACON AS A COP AND BIG LITTLE LIES HAS KELLY AS A ONE????? Am I the only lame that is excited about the dumbest shit? Judging by all the  hype this show got: no!!!! 

The Heart Machine (2014)

So I'm starting to get into John Gallagher Jr. I keep seeing him in intriguing shit. Let's ignore The Newsroom, I don't want to talk about that. But he was killing me softly in Short Term 12, making me want to kill him hardly in Hush, and now you give me The Heart Machine, which is like mad creepy and made me uncomfortable the entire time and that was mostly coming from John Gallagher's character, and I don't think it was supposed to be??? 

OKAY!! Okay. So John Gally's character is some dude named Cody for some reason. He has this bangs-having online girlfriend named Virginia. Kaduh your bitch ass is gonna get Catfished, but you wanna be dumb, so here we go! 

Virginia tells Cody she is in Berlin. He is in New York, so this is why their relationship has commenced entirely over Skype. Right away, Virginia is sus just for her bangs and being named Virginia. Cody skyping her dumb ass one day and an ambulance siren rings off in the background, and, honestly? I was fucking screaming. John Gallagher be making these fucking faces that just be having me crying. They literally are the most emotionless expressions, but something in the eyes, I guess? I don't know, but you can see all in his eyeballs that he picked up the siren didn't sound like a fucking...European one. It sounded like some regular ass American ambulance. At first I thought he was gonna hear it on her side and his, but he just picked up that it didn't sound like a German one. Lol like he actually googled it and I wanted to throw up in the street. Idky, but this shit was so funny to me.

It's revealed though, when Cody goes in his stalker's lair where he got photos of Virgy up and maps and shit, that he's been kind of private investigating her for a minute, no? WHY THE FUCK...WOULDN'T HE JUST ASK THIS BITCH IF SHE WAS REALLY IN BERLIN????? I don't understand why he doing all this extra ass investigating for this 2008 ass hipster thot. Like, are you serious lol. Just look into the goddamn camera and be like BITCH IS U LYING TO ME?! He being all white and extra weird about it lol smfh. The MINUTE I suspected this weird bitch was lying to me about being in Germany, I wouldn't even ask for receipts, just straight dead the communication. But the movie wanted to make it like Cody and Virgil had some deep ass connection. Lol okay. Their convos were mad dry but anyway.

OMG REMEMBER WHEN CODY WAS TALKING GERMAN AND NOT EVEN REALLY CONVERSATIONALLY AND VIRGINIA WENT OFF ON HIM?? He was literally just saying random German words, I think? Just kind of joking around? Why couldn't she have fake laughed and called it a day? She fucking went awf on dude like TAKE A HINT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T LAUGH THE FIRST TIME!! I was screaming like bitch WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!??! You are not cute enough to be some crazy lying bitch AND popping off, too. Uh uh, no ma'am. 

REMEMBER WHEN CODY WENT TO THAT DUDE'S HOUSE AND WAS GIVING STRAIGHT UP SERIAL KILLER TEAS? Yo, if I was a coffee shop barista and some awkward customer dude showed up to my place, I definitely wouldn't let him in so he could "pee". This dude was really dumb. Then Cody got in his house and was being all weird and he clocked him for being weird and STILL didn't ask him to immediately leave?? I don't know which white was being more wild. But Cody coming off creepier than Virginia's weird ass catfishing her location was just...great. It was just super wonderful, idk. Was it supposed to be like that lol like it was just tooooooo uncomfortable. 

AND THEN HIM ALMOST MURDERING THAT BITCH IN HER APARTMENT! Lol he was all up in her email and phone and shit. She got shook like...Why are you here? Not to fuck you, that's for sure. Like...why are you doing the most all the time, Cody? He sees some photo Virginia is in with some woman, so stalks her to find out what she knows concerning Virginia's whereabouts? Um, okay, where did you go wrong? Like at what point in life? Go back there and end it all, like I don't understand. 

Cody finally finds Virginia and she's just some regular degular hipster gentrifier. She says she lied about living in Berlin because that's the her she wanted to be or some such nonsense. I was so bothered by Virginia's bangs that I didn't care about her white tears. Oh wait, also didn't she say she lied because her previous relationships all went bunk, so she wanted to distance herself as soon as she met Cody, to give it time to grow, I guess? Um, why are you playing games? Couldn't you tell Cody you wanted to take it slow or whatever? He sitting at home pining, waiting for your dumb ass to get home from Germany and you right down the motherfucking street the whole time. Like.

When Cody was all like "I can't" and walked away from Virginia after she had her little confessional and the movie basically just ended like that, I cried. Not actually, I am a lizard person. But like, internally. And they were laugh tears. I only cry from sadness when I haven't eaten for two hours.

Anyway, this movie was lowkey lit in like a mumblecore, low budget, only five people will ever watch this sort of way. It was definitely the type of thriller I'm into lol like I was getting my life from the bs. Def wanna see more shitty, awkward ass movies like this. Bye.

Diary of a Mad Housewife (1970)

Hmm. This movie really irked me, but in like, a way that it was supposed to, if that makes any sense. Diary of a Mad Housewife deals with, well, a mad housewife. The titular housewife is played by Carrie Snodgress, who I thought did a good job. She didn't really play the typical Stepford Wife thing. Or, she did, but like the real-life version of it: just like a consistently inebriated, zombied bitch, completely at all times at her wits end, but she's a woman, so she's just repressing all this shit instead of punching walls or whatever. Soon, she'll drown all her children in the bath, or in Tina Balser's case, she'll begin an affair. With Frank Langella. Could be worse. 

What this movie did best was make Tina's husband be the most annoying piece of shit of all time. Okay I might be biased, because I can't stand Richard Benjamin, who plays Tina's husband Jonathan. Ugh, Jonathan. Like as soon as the movie begins he's in the bathroom being mad loud while Tina is trying to sleep. NOTHING GETS ON MY NERVES MORE THAN A NIGGA BEING MAD LOUD WHEN A BITCH TRYNA SLEEP. It's almost completely obvious he's doing it on purpose, too. He's def the type to think because he works and provides financially for the family, that he deserves more respect than anyone else in the house. And respect to him is finite. So Dad/Husband/PROVIDER gets 90 respect points out of the allotted 100, and then maybe the two daughters can divvy up the remaining ten. The older one who acts like daddy obviously gets more. Mom gets none because she rushes a four minute boiled egg.

When Tina awakens upon her husband DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST AT UMPTEEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, this nigga starts GOING IN on her. Talking about her body and hair and how she in general looks like a slab of rubber cement or some shit idk but this nigga was non-stop roasting her. Who the fuck starts "BOY, IF YOU DON'T"ing their wife immediately in the morning before they've even had their coffee? What the fuck is Jonathan's problem? This how niggas get killed in their sleep.

Jonathan continues to be annoying by treating Tina like she is his personal butler maid slave and nanny. I just don't understand who niggas think they be talking to? What makes it terrible is Tina is clearly kind of meek and introverted, I think? She doesn't seem confrontational. Though, I could be wrong about that assessment. Maybe she just doesn't fuck with Jonathan so much that she doesn't even care to fight and argue too much, even though they do sometimes, so idk.

Why did they get married? Maybe they had a cute courtship? Or maybe they were just following their yuppie sort of path, I guess? Like, a part of me wants to feel bad for Tina for having this ugly ass husband, but it's like, bitch...you chose to marry this nigga. Was he not this annoying, bitch ass way from jump? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE WASN'T. And okay maybe it wasn't always this way, but bitch now it is, so divorce time the fuck?? Just divorce him and collect those coins and go! Was this attitude unacceptable in the late sixties/early seventies? I mean prob, but not all that much! Hippie free love and shit bitch, let's go! Or was that free love do whatever shit just for middle class and below? Idk girl. At a certain point you just gotta make some decisions. Like, Tina decided to enter into that affair...so it's like...if you can do that, why can't you leave your husband? Am I missing something?? 

Like Jonathan was mad disrespectful! He'd be abandoning Tina at parties and shit, talking bout stop hanging on me. Or maybe I just feel some type of way because if I was a wife I'd be the hanging on for dear life to your arm at a party type. Like, mingle? Nahhh lol. But anyway, abandoning your wife at parties so you can shove your nose up celebrities and their fucking butlers' asses is how you get your wife to start fucking other niggas. 

Let's talk about Tina's affair with George ~the writer~~~~. Boy, do I hate a billy bad ass writer character lol. It's so pretentious and ugly. I don't know any writers though besides myself (kill me) so prob I'm projecting. But who doesn't FUCK YOU!! 

Anyway!!!! George is another rude dude. He's not much better than Jonathan, in my opinion, and it's just evident Tina is an idiot with really terrible judgement. I will give George one thing, he's kind of hot. In like a lanky, seventies, slightly straighter than Anthony Perkins sort of way. Also Frank Langella gives spicy white teas. It's an improvement over Richard Benjamin's oblong looking ass anyway. However, he's still not...totally respectful of Tina. Though she doesn't really demand it. And we can play PC all we want, but you most of the time have to kind of tell people to respect you, or they usually won't. And this is coming from someone sort of Tina-like, so I know. 

Tina knows she can't be forceful, so she should stay away from George types. Though I guess she doesn't care because it's ~just a sex thing~. Redflag at George talking about how he thought Tina would be good for a few rolls in the hay but is scared because now he thinks he might fall in love or some shit. That was very manipulative of him because you know at some point he's gonna pull the "IT'S JUST SEX!" card, which he does. Dudes are so ugly lol. I reallllly feel he was allowing for the sort of environment in which Tina could get comfortable and feel she could be sentimental or whatever with him. Then she gives him a Christmas gift and he fucking turns up. Lol okay. I thought...it was because he was afraid of how serious and "human" their affair was becoming, but...in his turn up he was basically yelling at Tina how she knew he was a piece of shit and that's why she was attracted to him and alladis and it was really detached and cold and ugly? And then out of nowhere Tina accused him of being a "fag". Um lol okay.

*shrugs* The seventies. 

So after George dumps Tina--WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT PARTY JONATHAN THREW LOL. I don't remember if it came before or after George and Tina's blow up but I have to talk about it because it was so funny to me. First: is this what rich people do? Have like fancy catered parties in high-rise apartments, talking shit to each other the whole time? It sounds depressing but also lit. Idk. Also I was screaming at them eating omelettes. I would go to ANY PARTY where the invitation said "Will be omelettes". ANY PARTY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! 

Anyway, Jonathan spent mad money on that fail omelette party. Also he spent other mad money on some vineyard shit, but turns out all the grapes rotted out or some mess, so he's in the hole. ALSO ALSO he prob gon' get fired from his job because turns out being a lawyer is more than just going like "Pretty, please??" to a judge. Oh, triple also he's been having an affair. (GIRL, WIT WHO? WHO FUCKIN UR UGLY ASS SMH)

After Jonathan spills his tea to Tina, he asks if she wants a divorce or if she'll consider staying and working it out with him for them to eventually emerge from the ashes he mostly created, a better, stronger couple *rolls eyes*

We don't get an answer from Tina, though my assumption is she stays. At least for the meantime. The movie ends with her in some group therapy type of sitch and it seems like she's been telling her story of being a housewife. Niggas in her group start GOING. IN. on her. They're all like "Bitch, FUCK your wimpy ass problems!". And then one woman is saying Tina should be grateful she even has a husband (typical bitch). Though there were one or two voices saying how they identified with Tina. However, the movie kind of just ends with her group therapy classmates all commenting on her "crises". Like, the credits just start rolling on Tina's mostly dead, but smirking face? Hmm, why did this movie not discourage me from wanting to get married in any way lol. Maybe because these are Whites™. I'm not a chalkasian yuppie, so this isn't really my life. Also, I'd never marry a bore like Jonathan. And the first time a nigga told me to boil him an egg I'd stab him in the neck, real talk. So I guess I just didn't relate lol. But if you're like white and your fiancé does croquet or some shit, maybe watch this movie before tying the knot. 

You don't need to watch this movie to know, though, that you do not ever engage with a white boy named Jonathan. I don't know HOW MANY TIMES we need to go over this, but a white boy named Jonathan WILL KILL YOU. Listen up, Rebeccas!!! Don't sleep!