The Heart Machine (2014)

So I'm starting to get into John Gallagher Jr. I keep seeing him in intriguing shit. Let's ignore The Newsroom, I don't want to talk about that. But he was killing me softly in Short Term 12, making me want to kill him hardly in Hush, and now you give me The Heart Machine, which is like mad creepy and made me uncomfortable the entire time and that was mostly coming from John Gallagher's character, and I don't think it was supposed to be??? 

OKAY!! Okay. So John Gally's character is some dude named Cody for some reason. He has this bangs-having online girlfriend named Virginia. Kaduh your bitch ass is gonna get Catfished, but you wanna be dumb, so here we go! 

Virginia tells Cody she is in Berlin. He is in New York, so this is why their relationship has commenced entirely over Skype. Right away, Virginia is sus just for her bangs and being named Virginia. Cody skyping her dumb ass one day and an ambulance siren rings off in the background, and, honestly? I was fucking screaming. John Gallagher be making these fucking faces that just be having me crying. They literally are the most emotionless expressions, but something in the eyes, I guess? I don't know, but you can see all in his eyeballs that he picked up the siren didn't sound like a fucking...European one. It sounded like some regular ass American ambulance. At first I thought he was gonna hear it on her side and his, but he just picked up that it didn't sound like a German one. Lol like he actually googled it and I wanted to throw up in the street. Idky, but this shit was so funny to me.

It's revealed though, when Cody goes in his stalker's lair where he got photos of Virgy up and maps and shit, that he's been kind of private investigating her for a minute, no? WHY THE FUCK...WOULDN'T HE JUST ASK THIS BITCH IF SHE WAS REALLY IN BERLIN????? I don't understand why he doing all this extra ass investigating for this 2008 ass hipster thot. Like, are you serious lol. Just look into the goddamn camera and be like BITCH IS U LYING TO ME?! He being all white and extra weird about it lol smfh. The MINUTE I suspected this weird bitch was lying to me about being in Germany, I wouldn't even ask for receipts, just straight dead the communication. But the movie wanted to make it like Cody and Virgil had some deep ass connection. Lol okay. Their convos were mad dry but anyway.

OMG REMEMBER WHEN CODY WAS TALKING GERMAN AND NOT EVEN REALLY CONVERSATIONALLY AND VIRGINIA WENT OFF ON HIM?? He was literally just saying random German words, I think? Just kind of joking around? Why couldn't she have fake laughed and called it a day? She fucking went awf on dude like TAKE A HINT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T LAUGH THE FIRST TIME!! I was screaming like bitch WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!??! You are not cute enough to be some crazy lying bitch AND popping off, too. Uh uh, no ma'am. 

REMEMBER WHEN CODY WENT TO THAT DUDE'S HOUSE AND WAS GIVING STRAIGHT UP SERIAL KILLER TEAS? Yo, if I was a coffee shop barista and some awkward customer dude showed up to my place, I definitely wouldn't let him in so he could "pee". This dude was really dumb. Then Cody got in his house and was being all weird and he clocked him for being weird and STILL didn't ask him to immediately leave?? I don't know which white was being more wild. But Cody coming off creepier than Virginia's weird ass catfishing her location was just...great. It was just super wonderful, idk. Was it supposed to be like that lol like it was just tooooooo uncomfortable. 

AND THEN HIM ALMOST MURDERING THAT BITCH IN HER APARTMENT! Lol he was all up in her email and phone and shit. She got shook like...Why are you here? Not to fuck you, that's for sure. Like...why are you doing the most all the time, Cody? He sees some photo Virginia is in with some woman, so stalks her to find out what she knows concerning Virginia's whereabouts? Um, okay, where did you go wrong? Like at what point in life? Go back there and end it all, like I don't understand. 

Cody finally finds Virginia and she's just some regular degular hipster gentrifier. She says she lied about living in Berlin because that's the her she wanted to be or some such nonsense. I was so bothered by Virginia's bangs that I didn't care about her white tears. Oh wait, also didn't she say she lied because her previous relationships all went bunk, so she wanted to distance herself as soon as she met Cody, to give it time to grow, I guess? Um, why are you playing games? Couldn't you tell Cody you wanted to take it slow or whatever? He sitting at home pining, waiting for your dumb ass to get home from Germany and you right down the motherfucking street the whole time. Like.

When Cody was all like "I can't" and walked away from Virginia after she had her little confessional and the movie basically just ended like that, I cried. Not actually, I am a lizard person. But like, internally. And they were laugh tears. I only cry from sadness when I haven't eaten for two hours.

Anyway, this movie was lowkey lit in like a mumblecore, low budget, only five people will ever watch this sort of way. It was definitely the type of thriller I'm into lol like I was getting my life from the bs. Def wanna see more shitty, awkward ass movies like this. Bye.