Diary of a Mad Housewife (1970)

Hmm. This movie really irked me, but in like, a way that it was supposed to, if that makes any sense. Diary of a Mad Housewife deals with, well, a mad housewife. The titular housewife is played by Carrie Snodgress, who I thought did a good job. She didn't really play the typical Stepford Wife thing. Or, she did, but like the real-life version of it: just like a consistently inebriated, zombied bitch, completely at all times at her wits end, but she's a woman, so she's just repressing all this shit instead of punching walls or whatever. Soon, she'll drown all her children in the bath, or in Tina Balser's case, she'll begin an affair. With Frank Langella. Could be worse. 

What this movie did best was make Tina's husband be the most annoying piece of shit of all time. Okay I might be biased, because I can't stand Richard Benjamin, who plays Tina's husband Jonathan. Ugh, Jonathan. Like as soon as the movie begins he's in the bathroom being mad loud while Tina is trying to sleep. NOTHING GETS ON MY NERVES MORE THAN A NIGGA BEING MAD LOUD WHEN A BITCH TRYNA SLEEP. It's almost completely obvious he's doing it on purpose, too. He's def the type to think because he works and provides financially for the family, that he deserves more respect than anyone else in the house. And respect to him is finite. So Dad/Husband/PROVIDER gets 90 respect points out of the allotted 100, and then maybe the two daughters can divvy up the remaining ten. The older one who acts like daddy obviously gets more. Mom gets none because she rushes a four minute boiled egg.

When Tina awakens upon her husband DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST AT UMPTEEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, this nigga starts GOING IN on her. Talking about her body and hair and how she in general looks like a slab of rubber cement or some shit idk but this nigga was non-stop roasting her. Who the fuck starts "BOY, IF YOU DON'T"ing their wife immediately in the morning before they've even had their coffee? What the fuck is Jonathan's problem? This how niggas get killed in their sleep.

Jonathan continues to be annoying by treating Tina like she is his personal butler maid slave and nanny. I just don't understand who niggas think they be talking to? What makes it terrible is Tina is clearly kind of meek and introverted, I think? She doesn't seem confrontational. Though, I could be wrong about that assessment. Maybe she just doesn't fuck with Jonathan so much that she doesn't even care to fight and argue too much, even though they do sometimes, so idk.

Why did they get married? Maybe they had a cute courtship? Or maybe they were just following their yuppie sort of path, I guess? Like, a part of me wants to feel bad for Tina for having this ugly ass husband, but it's like, bitch...you chose to marry this nigga. Was he not this annoying, bitch ass way from jump? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE WASN'T. And okay maybe it wasn't always this way, but bitch now it is, so divorce time the fuck?? Just divorce him and collect those coins and go! Was this attitude unacceptable in the late sixties/early seventies? I mean prob, but not all that much! Hippie free love and shit bitch, let's go! Or was that free love do whatever shit just for middle class and below? Idk girl. At a certain point you just gotta make some decisions. Like, Tina decided to enter into that affair...so it's like...if you can do that, why can't you leave your husband? Am I missing something?? 

Like Jonathan was mad disrespectful! He'd be abandoning Tina at parties and shit, talking bout stop hanging on me. Or maybe I just feel some type of way because if I was a wife I'd be the hanging on for dear life to your arm at a party type. Like, mingle? Nahhh lol. But anyway, abandoning your wife at parties so you can shove your nose up celebrities and their fucking butlers' asses is how you get your wife to start fucking other niggas. 

Let's talk about Tina's affair with George ~the writer~~~~. Boy, do I hate a billy bad ass writer character lol. It's so pretentious and ugly. I don't know any writers though besides myself (kill me) so prob I'm projecting. But who doesn't FUCK YOU!! 

Anyway!!!! George is another rude dude. He's not much better than Jonathan, in my opinion, and it's just evident Tina is an idiot with really terrible judgement. I will give George one thing, he's kind of hot. In like a lanky, seventies, slightly straighter than Anthony Perkins sort of way. Also Frank Langella gives spicy white teas. It's an improvement over Richard Benjamin's oblong looking ass anyway. However, he's still not...totally respectful of Tina. Though she doesn't really demand it. And we can play PC all we want, but you most of the time have to kind of tell people to respect you, or they usually won't. And this is coming from someone sort of Tina-like, so I know. 

Tina knows she can't be forceful, so she should stay away from George types. Though I guess she doesn't care because it's ~just a sex thing~. Redflag at George talking about how he thought Tina would be good for a few rolls in the hay but is scared because now he thinks he might fall in love or some shit. That was very manipulative of him because you know at some point he's gonna pull the "IT'S JUST SEX!" card, which he does. Dudes are so ugly lol. I reallllly feel he was allowing for the sort of environment in which Tina could get comfortable and feel she could be sentimental or whatever with him. Then she gives him a Christmas gift and he fucking turns up. Lol okay. I thought...it was because he was afraid of how serious and "human" their affair was becoming, but...in his turn up he was basically yelling at Tina how she knew he was a piece of shit and that's why she was attracted to him and alladis and it was really detached and cold and ugly? And then out of nowhere Tina accused him of being a "fag". Um lol okay.

*shrugs* The seventies. 

So after George dumps Tina--WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT PARTY JONATHAN THREW LOL. I don't remember if it came before or after George and Tina's blow up but I have to talk about it because it was so funny to me. First: is this what rich people do? Have like fancy catered parties in high-rise apartments, talking shit to each other the whole time? It sounds depressing but also lit. Idk. Also I was screaming at them eating omelettes. I would go to ANY PARTY where the invitation said "Will be omelettes". ANY PARTY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! 

Anyway, Jonathan spent mad money on that fail omelette party. Also he spent other mad money on some vineyard shit, but turns out all the grapes rotted out or some mess, so he's in the hole. ALSO ALSO he prob gon' get fired from his job because turns out being a lawyer is more than just going like "Pretty, please??" to a judge. Oh, triple also he's been having an affair. (GIRL, WIT WHO? WHO FUCKIN UR UGLY ASS SMH)

After Jonathan spills his tea to Tina, he asks if she wants a divorce or if she'll consider staying and working it out with him for them to eventually emerge from the ashes he mostly created, a better, stronger couple *rolls eyes*

We don't get an answer from Tina, though my assumption is she stays. At least for the meantime. The movie ends with her in some group therapy type of sitch and it seems like she's been telling her story of being a housewife. Niggas in her group start GOING. IN. on her. They're all like "Bitch, FUCK your wimpy ass problems!". And then one woman is saying Tina should be grateful she even has a husband (typical bitch). Though there were one or two voices saying how they identified with Tina. However, the movie kind of just ends with her group therapy classmates all commenting on her "crises". Like, the credits just start rolling on Tina's mostly dead, but smirking face? Hmm, why did this movie not discourage me from wanting to get married in any way lol. Maybe because these are Whites™. I'm not a chalkasian yuppie, so this isn't really my life. Also, I'd never marry a bore like Jonathan. And the first time a nigga told me to boil him an egg I'd stab him in the neck, real talk. So I guess I just didn't relate lol. But if you're like white and your fiancé does croquet or some shit, maybe watch this movie before tying the knot. 

You don't need to watch this movie to know, though, that you do not ever engage with a white boy named Jonathan. I don't know HOW MANY TIMES we need to go over this, but a white boy named Jonathan WILL KILL YOU. Listen up, Rebeccas!!! Don't sleep!