Remember when I never used to care about Halle Berry and now i'm like, a stan? GOD! I don't want to be, because Halle is not cracking out the bad boys. Like, okay. I'm a stan of Tom Hardy as well, right? And it's great because he gives me what I need doing all sorts of ridick shit in movies and TV. But honestly I shouldn't even compare them because Tom is a white man and thus gets better opportunities but also he's Baby Brando so even if he got bad shit to do he would still slay whereas Halle needs good shit to give me what I need and she pretty much never gets that? Like ever? The Halle things I have been liking have been when she does a crazy movie. The thrillers. Really, that's her niche now, I think? But some are better than others. I mean, they're all basically terrible? But some are terrible in an omg this is amazing...(Perfect Stranger; The Call) sort of way, and then others are Dark Tide...
So first of all, I watched this movie prob more than a month ago. My lazy ass has a backlog of like thirty movies I need to write about. Why am I acting like any1 reads this blog or cares idek but here we go!!
So Dark Tide. Why does this movie exist?? What. Why is Halle Berry treated like...Kate Bosworth? Or worse and even more irrelevant, Jamie King?? Wtf... SHE'S HALLE BERRY. No, she can't slay a screen like Viola, or charm me into liking total garbage like Taraji, but she's cute and beautiful and has been the #1 Biracial Bitch for decades and we need to put some respect on her name!!! What is going on!! WHAT THE FUCK IS DARK TIDE WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?!?! Lemme find out Halle got sent a bunch of scripts and this was the BEST ONE out of the lot! Tragic, truly. Idk what's going on. Maybe she gets ~better~ stuff, but something about Dark Tide spoke to her for some reason? Maybe she just saw a cool opportunity to go to South Africa and swim with some sharks? God, I hope so. I'll throw up if the truth is this was all she could get. That's obscene. Movies like this are for fucking Michelle Monaghan or something, and even for her it would be offensive, like cum on.
So Halle plays some freaking, idk, shark expert? She owns a boat and gives tours to tourists so they can see the sharks. Like lowering them down in the water in a cage to look at them. Do people really do this? Why? Go on fuckin uh youtube or some shit and look at sharks there. Let's stop the madness. But anyway this is Halle's job for all of seven seconds before some horrible shit happens. I forgot what? I think she and her crew (which includes her irl crazy French ex-bae? Olivier Whatever) go out to sea and...there's a storm? I think one of the members of her crew (uncomfortably the only full African in a movie set in Africa.......) warns Halle not to go out? But she does ~cute~ (it plays awkward) stuff with him to like...charm him into letting them go out to sea and he says something like I can never say no to you blah blah five seconds later he dead. It's awkward cuz it's Halle's fault he died, and also Halle is close with his wife but the woman doesn't seem to hold resentment towards her lol like I would kill this bitch if my bae said no don't go out to water, and then she did it anyway and now he's dead. Wait - how did he die again? Lol smh was it a storm or did he get ate by sharks? I feel like he got ate? I swear to god I have no idea and don't remember and it doesn't matter it literally was not interesting AT ALL! I am telling you there was absolutely nothing interesting about any of the ~action~ in the majority of this...fucking action movie.... Or was it a thriller? Girl, I hope not because as much as there was no fucking action, there was ZERO thrill, girl! ZÏR-ROW!!!!
So fast-forward a year later after the tragedy. Halle's business is going under I think because she is no longer taking the boat out to let tourists touch the sharks. I think she scaled back to just doing regular boat tours, which are not popular? The bank wants to take her boat because she can't make payments.
Olivier Whatever pops up and tries to get Halle back in the shark tour game. This dude apparently is her husband in the movie. It's weird how they were separated for an entire year?? He's just like gone immediately after the tragedy and shows back up all nonchalant like ayyyyy let's get it crackin!!! I will say though: Halle and her crazy French ex-bae look real cute together. I wouldn't necessarily say their chemistry is on some California wildfires type shit, but they look real cute and booed up. I love seeing attractive couples. I love that Halle usually never has ugly baes. You know how a lot of beautiful bitches be with an ugly nigga? Not our girl, Halle! Sigh, I stay reaching for substantial reasons for why I stan so hard for Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. I'm so tired, but hey is Halle doing that movie about that woman who is a professional thief and scammer because I need it. That's gonna put my bae at the top and I...I really need this you guys. I really need a good reason to be out here stanning for Halle Berry. It's getting rough. That cameo in the Kingsman movie is NOT GOING TO DO IT!! Okay? We're not doing that. Better! More better, Halle!!
So Olivier is kind of...shady? He's linked up with some old rich dude who wants to get down in the water with the sharks, but go to the next level and swim with them, as well. Halle only brings people down in the cage, she doesn't let them swim with the fishies. But an even bigger obstacle is that she's totally done with the shark tours, period. Olivier has to convince her for the rich dude, who's offering a lot of money. Olivier never discloses to Halle that the rich guy wants to swim with the sharks. He leaves that out and manages to convince her to take the boat out for him and his son.
The rich guy is annoying. If you're gonna have a piece of shit sort of douchey character can you make him be interesting or something? He was just a dick just to be a dick and it brought no real value to the film. Especially since he wasn't like, the villain? I thought he was gonna be the villain and cause all the conflict. Like, I guess he did? But not really? He was just like douchey, his douchieness didn't cause the major storm that caused their boat to upturn while they were out at sea, you know? Idk, the douchey guy really irked me and there was no real payoff. Also it was awkward because we find out he's dying from cancer or some shit. But he's like mean to his son and a douche so who cares? Lol. But also on the flip, he ends up getting killed in the storm (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) but like I didn't care? If you were gonna have him be a dick he should've been more of one to at least have it be a nice payoff when he gets killed wtf. Like, what was the point of this movie????
There was like, no real thrill like I said before and it was just awkward. Like even when they were out at sea and the storm was popping off, I was just like..okay. Like, okay guess this is happening now. It was awkward how none of the characters were interesting or you wanted to watch them lol. Like. I will say...there was something soothing about the movie in a weird way. I think it's because I'm really attracted to water, so it was just calming I guess to have mostly all the scenes be on the water, even when the storm happened.
WAIT HOLD ON WHAT WAS THAT WEIRD SHIT WITH THOSE TWO WHITE GUYS WHO WENT OUT TO THE WATER REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND THEY HAD THAT BLACK KID WITH THEM??? DID WE EVER FIND OUT ABOUT THEM? WERE THEY POACHING? WTF WHY DID WE SEE THEM ONE SECOND AND THEN NEVER AGAIN?? smh, this movie was completely pointless in like an almost shocking way? I guess watch this to see for yourself and have the same experience I did of wondering Who wrote this and who did they give it to and they read it and was like YES and then the film was fast-tracked and cast and all those pieces came together to make this shit?? Still better than Citizen Kane, though..
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