Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 2, The Truth About Emanuel/Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes/The New Neighbor??? (2013)

Sigh.

Where...to begin. 

I guess, I'll start with saying I'm a fan of Kaya Scodelario. For why? Because of Skins, I guess. Right? Like I really loved Effy. For any non-horrifying reasons? No, of course not. But she was definitely one of my fave characters from that messy show. Number one was probably Cook, right? Oh my god I have so many problems. But anyway I love Kaya now and I'm making the terrible mistake of following her career. Well, maybe it's not--It hasn't been that terrible in that pretty much the only thing I've seen of hers outside of Skins, besides this mess I'm going to talk about today, is Wuthering Heights, which has become one of my favorite movies. I don't think that being a Kaya fan is going to be that bad. It's not going to be an Amanda Seyfried situation, I don't think. And the piece of shit I'll be discussing in this post is...not that...it's at least an interesting concept? Like, it's a terrible movie, but...it's not terrible in a run of the mill thriller or romance sort of way. I mean, there's a fake dead baby, so. 

Let's begin! So I was saying all that scatterbrainy stuff about Kaya to attempt to explain my initial interest in this movie: Kaya was in it. So I had to watch it. ARE YOU KEEPING UP??! I had no idea what this movie was about, but I figured since it was showcased at Sundance (I think) it at least had to be sort of interesting. Right? UGH. I mean, yes. I do think...they had...some...intriguing elements. I felt the movie had potential, buried very very deep deep deep down. And, I appreciate it. I appreciate the potential and even the effort. However, you've all failed. Everyone involved. No, that's not fair. No, but it's true lol. You failed. Ya blew it. But two Steve McQueen obviously faux-sincere airclaps for trying. 

So Kaya plays some bitch named Emanuel. Apparently "Emaunel" is a boy's name. YEWNEEK. Emanuel has her name tattooed on her arm because...so...if she...gets separated from...something...they know?? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I guess if she winds up drowned or some shit they can identify her body? But bitch, are you forgetting about sharks? Come on. Anyway, Emanuel's mom is dead. And I guess this explains why she's basically Daria?? Why she's doing a really try-hardy impersonation of Daria? But sorry, all you reminded me of was this shitty fucking Hilary Duff vehicle I saw once where she planned to kill herself on her sixteenth birthday or some shit. Like, I swear to god this was basically that same exact movie except no Evan Ross' widow peak in sight. And that's a damn shame. Don't be...worse than a ~Hilary Duff vehicle~, okay?? 

So Emanuel is motherless but I don't know what her fucking problem is because she has Chicken Alfredo Molina as her daddy and Frances O'Connor's super cute ass for a stepmom. Also she has cool clothes and cool French music and a cool job working at a medical supply store where Jimmi Simpson's cute ass 

(i needed an excuse to post)

plays her boss. WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, EMANUEL?? WHY ARE YOU LIKE SUPER CYNICAL AND MOODY WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND DID I EVEN GET AROUND TO MENTIONING CUTE ASS TRAIN BOY??

LOOK AT HIM. THIS IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SORT OF. HE HAS ONE DIRECTION HAIR AND I THINK THE ACTOR MIGHT BE FRENCH??! UH, HELLO! CHEER UP, BITCH!!

But the movie wants to sell me that Emanuel can't get the fuck over herself because her mommy died. UGH, FINE. Enter scene: Jessica Fucking Biel. 

Justin Timberlake's wife plays the new neighbor. Please lets address the fact that when we first see this bitch she is moving in to her new home AT FUCKING NIGHT. I've never moved anywhere lol but...is it common for people to be moving in at night? It just seemed really off and odd right away. But Emanuel, instead of being like, who is this weird ass bitch with the bangs creepin' in to a new house in the middle of the night, is intrigued by Justin Timberlake's wife. BLAH BLAH MOTHER REPLACEMENT BLAH. This bitch has a kid. Emanuel starts babysitting it. 

So, the first time Emanuel goes over to bebesit it's weird because JT's wife doesn't give her any directions or anything. Emanuel asks to see the baby but JT's wife is like "she's sleeping don't want to wake her up blah blah". Emanuel is like "what if she wakes up?". JT's wife is like "baby monitor - you'll be able to hear her if she needs anything". Hmm, do babies talk, bitch? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP AND I HEAR IT CRYING??? JT's wife does not answer this very pertinent question; she dips off to run errands or some shit. LOOK. I knew right away something was up with this bitch and this baby. I decided pretty immediately that Jessica Biel was carrying around a baby corpse. And I was very very annoyed that it seemed this movie was trying to make me think...that the baby was real? Or, you know what, maybe they weren't. Maybe they wanted you to suspect something weird was up, but OH BOY was I so annoyed waiting for them to reveal what the situation was. I feel like it took them longer to reveal it than they actually did, but omg I could not fucking stand to see her walking around with this baby that I thought was obviously very fucking dead. 

Like when JT's wife is FUCKING BREASTFEEDING IT. 

LOOK AT THIS. In the movie it's worse. First of all, the top of the baby's head is sooooo fucking creepy and freakish. Like, the hair. It's all diseased-looking and shit. AND THIS BABY IS FUCKING LIFELESS AND YOU NEVER EVER HEAR IT MAKE ANY NOISE. When I saw her sitting here with this fucking baby I was like NO GOD NO PLZ STOP OH MY FUCKING GOD. I was getting super upset. I can't even remember--I think this was definitely before Emanuel found out what the fuck was actually going on. And what was going on?????

THIS^

^THIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I laughed, I cried. In case you're a fucking idiot, in case you are this movie, that's a goddamn fucking baby doll. A DOLL. And can we please--WHERE DID JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S WIFE GET THIS SHIT? WHERE IN THE FUCK DID SHE EVEN BUY THIS??? The doll is soooooo fucking ugly and gross-looking. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITS HAIR? It looks like it has fucking Lyme disease. This fatigued-looking ass fucking doll - I can't. I won't. And the scene when Emanuel discovers it's a doll is so...I don't know. I don't know which word to choose. Is it funny? Creepy? Horrifying? Pleasestop.com/no??? All of the above and then some??? I'll choose funny, looking back on it, because seriously when she's looking at this mess in the crib it's lying prostrate. Prostrate but in a crib. It looks dead and I'm like GOD PLEASE STOP NO because I'm thinking Kaya is nudging a fucking bebe corpse. BUT NO, BECAUSE SHE TURNS THIS SHIT OVER AND IT'S SOME FUCKING OLD TIMEY ABANDONED VICTORIAN CHILD GHOST'S PLAYTHING. ugh, wtf. Why, movie, why???

AND THEN. Jessica Biel walks in on Emanuel discovering that her ~baby~ is some shit she got out of the irregulars bin at Toys"R"Us. But probably likelier one of those shittier toy stores. Does KB Toys still exist? Then that one. When JT's wife walks in on Emanuel being horrified about Jessica Biel's entire existence, she just...acts like nothing's wrong. OH MY GOD I THINK SHE STARTS LIKE CHANGING THE BABY'S DIAPER OR SOME SHIT AND DRESSING IT AND OH MY GOD SHE'S SAYING THINGS LIKE "YOU'RE SO WRIGGLY TODAY" AND ALL THIS CREEPY MESS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD and Kaya is just standing there like 

*SHRUG* (needed an excuse to post, but also basically)

Like Kaya tries to do ~~shock~~. But NO. Doing a half-assed job at feigning horror is never the reaction a situation like this calls for. An example of an appropriate response to an occasion such as this would be, maybe: BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! followed by screaming and running from the house, but not before dousing it in gasoline and SETTING IT ON FUCKING FIRE. But what does Emanuel do? She sort of makes an attempt to leave after JT's wife is like "go get a onesie for this fake dead baby slash actual doll". As Kaya is going towards the stairs to fucking leave, JT's wife is in the nursery yelling "IT'S GETTING CHILLY" or some shit like that. Like, forget the fake baby whose diaper she just seriously changed, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH YELLING AT??!? I would have left just for that alone. But no, Emanuel is a psycho-dummy and she turns away from the stairs and goes to get the monkey onesie or whatever the fuck JT's wife demanded she get. And, can we talk about how JT's wife sort of treats Emanuel like a slave? She's all like PUT THOSE CLOTHES AWAY. Um, she's the babysitter, bitch. Not the maid. AND ARE YOU PAYING HER??? Is Emanuel getting dem fuckin' chex??? Because that is never discussed and there's no way Jessica Biel's crazy ass character is on point with any payments to services she utilizes. I'm still baffled as to how this bitch got a house. SHE'S INSANE. And what is her job????? HOW DOES SHE HAVE MONEY DOLLARS??? 

We'll get to that. (Who's we'll?????????????)

So Emanuel plays along with JT's wife and her delusions because DEAD MOM, that's why. I can't...I don't even want to get into the scenes where Kaya is cradling this fucking doll and she's having ~normal~ conversations with JT's wife. I had a real problem with the fact that Emanuel was super-obsessed with JT's wife. Like, WHY? She was giving me nothing. And no, she was not maternal in any way to Emanuel. She was actually sort of cold and sometimes-rude???? And Emanuel is like YES, THIS IS WHAT MOTHER LOVE FEELS LIKE. Actually, lol, maybe. But basically the movie's explanation for why Emanuel plays along with this mess is so she can stay in Jessica Biel's world and...I don't know...ugh, project her mommy issues onto her??? ugh. Such...problems. And Emanuel is really protective of J Biel and her fucking doll. She doesn't want her parents and her beau or anyone to find out what's going on. PROB CUZ IT'S CRAZY AND YOU NEED HELP. The jig is up eventually, though, when JT's wife goes out on a date with Jimmi Simpson

who wears too-tight shirts like this to real-life work events. Emanuel doesn't want JT's wife to go out with Jimmi. Can we talk about how Jimmi volunteered to babysit her fucking kid before this date? Like, the first day he met Jessica Biel he's like *RAISES HAND* I'LL BABYSIT! No, this literally happened. Everyone in this movie needs to be sectioned. How creepy is it to just volunteer to watch some bitch's kid you don't even know?????? I get it's supposed to come off like: he's super desperate and thinks she's hot and will do anything for her, but for me I'm just getting Woody Allen tease. I can really imagine him making a movie where some stand-in of his (Zach Braff?? Jesse Eisenberg??) is trying to get some single mom (played by either Penelope Cruz or Emma Stone or some shit) to date him and he's like *TOO EAGERLY RAISING HAND* I'LL BABYSIT YOUR KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND TO WITNESS ME DOING ANYTHING. IT. WITNESS ME DOING IT. DON'T BE THERE.

lol so Jessica goes on a d8 with Jimmi. Emanuel babysits. She's like to the kid 

You're talking to a fucking doll. lol this might've happened earlier in the movie, but still. Still what? LEAVE ME ALONE.

Jessica and Jimmi come home from their date, which Jessica sort of prefaced by admitting she'd probably friendzone the shit out of him while abusing him for his babysitting services. WILL NO ONE ADDRESS HOW FUCKING SHITTY LINDA IS AS A HUMAN? Like, let's ignore her fucking psychotic lunacy. Let's push that aside. She's a fucking bitch. She has an attitude and needs to sit down lol. And she needs to do something with that fucking hair. Those bangs are a no-go, sweetie. Get that Münchausen syndrome by proxy coiffure the fuck out of here, b. 

^Look at her hair. Ugh, it's like that the whole movie. AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BABY THAT IS ACTUALLY A DOLL OH MY GODDDDD. Can we talk about how Linda probably killed her baby??? Her real-life human one?? WAIT, NO, LET ME GET BACK TO THE DATE WITH JIMMI AND THEN WE'LL GET TO HOW LINDA/JESSICA BIEL/JT'S WIFE PROB KILLED HER ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. 

SO JIMMI AND JESSICA GET BACK FROM THE DATE and Jessica wants Jimmi to see the baby for some reason? Ugh, whatever. Emanuel is like NO, DON'T. SHE'S ASLEEP. And Jessica is like "well then Jimmi will just have to be fucking quiet", but like in a jaunty way, eventho obviously the undertones are: psychotic bitch who will eat your fucking face off if you make a lot of noise and wake up her doll. Emanuel tries to stop Jimmi from going up to see the baby; Jimmi is like "I like your makeup". ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

They get up to the nursery and Jessica shows Jimmi the "baby". Jimmi's face the entire scene is my everything and I'm soooo pissed I couldn't find any pics of it when I did my lazy-ass google image search of this movie. COME ON, OTHER PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT THIS MESS. Jimmi is all like "so stiff" "so plastic". LOL I FORGET EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS BUT HE'S LIKE COMMENTING ON HOW DOLL-LIKE AND NON-HUMAN THE BABY IS AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY. I guess he thinks J Biel is playing a fucking prank on him or something lol. But then he slowly realizes she's being entirely serious and he picks up the doll like "THIS IS A DOLL. WHERE IS YOUR BABY???" And the way he's holding the baby all floppy-like, jesus christ

I just

So JT's wife ~wakes up~. She's like WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?! uggh. Jimmi and Jessica start calling for Emanuel who's been sitting on the steps listening to them talk through the baby monitor I think. This sequence culminates with Emanuel craddling the doll while Jimmi and Jessica go call the police or some mess. ughgghggh. Emanuel ends up in the hospital, the police are there like TELL US WHERE THE BABY IS! Emanuel says some crazy shit about how the baby joined her mom in the sea. jesus. Seriously, if they had been unable to contact Linda's husband, Emanuel's dumbass would've ended up in fucking jail. 

Speaking of Linda's husband! So this random white dude shows up to ~explain~ everything. It's very the end of Psycho. Like, did we really need him to come in and mansplain? Couldn't we just infer?? Because he really offered no satisfying explanation. The jist is that he and Linda had a terrible relationship, they decided to try for a band-aid baby. It took them five years to conceive, and by that time the relationship was already over. The baby is born, then shortly after it turns up dead. The dude says the autopsy was "inconclusive" and...I don't understand why the screenwriter would have included that if it weren't significant. When he was telling his story I was assuming he'd say the baby died from SIDS. He goes "Linda found her....". But then follows up with the autopsy was inconclusive thing and that "we'll never know what really happened". UM, WHAT? He's sort of accusing her of killing their baby, right? Like, their relationship wasn't fixed by the baby so Linda is like FUCK THIS and kills their kid, right????? I honestly wish he hadn't even turned up because it does not really fucking explain anything. And it almost maybe makes me hate Linda a little more? And they're trying to make it seem like Linda had a psychotic break when she lost her baby, but...if she fucking killed her kid...she was obviously ALREADY INSANE. oui?? I mean, I don't hate Linda for being insane. I hate her for having shitty fringe. And then you tell me she's a baby killer maybe and I'm just like, If she'd just get a better haircut none of this would even matter. 

Ah, well. 'Tis life. 

Mahogany (1975)

Mahogany is one of those ultimate So Bad It's Good movies. Right? Or is it just so bad it's bad and I only really love it because of Anthony Perkins looking like this 

or this

or standing like this

while wearing glasses like this 

and wearing those glasses while being cunty like this

the entire time???? And then, yeah, when HE FUCKING DIES, I'm totally over the movie at that point?? Right?? lol Do I only super-love this film because of Anthony Perkins and only Anthony Perkins? Um, yes. And...so what??? He's amazinggggggggggggg. But also when he's not on the scene there's some other stuff to laugh at to keep me occupied while mourning his absence. So, should this post be about all the non-Anthony things I liked about this movie? NO, FUCK NO. 

I think I'll just go the ~traditional~ route (in the spirit of the storyline of this stupid movie?!?!?!?) and just, ugh, recap...the...movie. 

So, Diana Ross plays Tracy and she's like a designer and maybe she works as a pattern sewer or something like that? Or, she works at Bloomingdales...dressing mannequins. I love how I've seen this movie like twelve gadillion times and don't actually know. ANYWAY, HER DREAM IS TO BE A DESIGNER. I think. Right? omg. I think she goes to like a fashion school while also working at Maybe Macy*s. It...doesn't matter because soon she's being wooed by Billy Dee Williams and he's some asshole politician and asshole politician's don't need no wife with like ambitions and shit, so Tracy can forget about all that Apex Technical Fashion Design School bullshit and working as the bitch that puts panties on mannequins at Maybe Nordstrom. 

Except, Tracy doesn't forget about it. Anthony Perkins' photographer character Sean shows up and starts working with Tracy. I think he sees her designing some mannequins and asks her to assist him with his shoots. And he's so ~white artiste~ about it, incorporating all the poor black people from the neighborhood in his high fashion shoots. His potrayal of this photographer dude is both super ridiculous and inappropriately on-point. And I love everything; all of it. Somehow, for some reason, Tracy ends up on the other side of the camera, as Sean's subject. Possibly at some point she's swanning around like a peacock, drapped in bright yellow (canary???) curtains??? Anyway, Sean asks Tracy to go to Italy with him. But Billy Dee Williams (Brian) is like I NEED YOU TRACY. To...help me...hang up signs??? 

Just imagine Billy Dee Williams as this

the entire time and never feel bad for him or ever be on his side. LIKE, EXCUSE ME, TRACY HAS DREAMS, TOO. Omg when he tells her about his fucking dinner and how he needs her to be there and she's like "You know I have class" and he basically is like "My shit is more important than yours". UM. Pause. Are we really supposed to, like, ship these two?? Brian is a fucking dick. And he doesn't care about anything Tracy has going on in her life. And it's not like this bitch is talking about a nail art design career or Instagram modeling or some shit like that. She has, like, legitimate goals that she has a real shot at achieving. And what the fuck is Billy Dee Williams even doing? Standing outside berating construction workers and getting cans of soda thrown at his head? LOL OKAY, YEAH, LET ME STICK AROUND HERE FOR THAT MESS INSTEAD OF GOING TO ITALY AND GETTING MY FASHION ON. Righrighririrightrriiiiiiiiight. 

So the night Brian expects Tracy at some dinner event thing, she dips out to Italy to go work with Sean. But not before going to Brian's campaign headquarters and telling his friend that she's leaving. And I feel like the friend sort of tries to shame her for leaving. WHY DOES NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT BRIAN IS A SELFISH DICK?? I feel like, maybe low-key it's hinted at, BUT THAT EFFORT IS COMPLETELY CANCELLED OUT BY THE MOVIE MAKING IT OUT LIKE TRACY'S SUCCESS DOESN'T MATTER WITHOUT A MAN IN HER LIFE, SO. 

And, jesus, what the fuck is up with the men in Tracy's life? She has Brian, who has possibly better hair than her; Sean, who is possibly gay, but definitely a sociopath (unrelated?); and that other dude. The French one. Um, does he maybe almost rape Tracy? If not, he definitely sort of expects her to fuck him for letting her live in his house and paying her medical bills and also paying for her fashion line and stuff. OKAY, SO, MAYBE THAT'S NOT REALLY RIDICULOUS. LIKE, SHE COULD AT LEAST GIVE THIS NIGGA A HANDJOB; MAYBE TWIRL A FEW OF HIS PUBES AROUND HER FINGER?? But seriously, this movie has an accidentally terrible view of men. And I'm depressed for Tracy that these are her only options. If it were me, I'd pick Sean every time. Because I'm into that abusey stuff, maybe? I mean, I have a lot of problems, so. But it's telling that I wouldn't pick someone like Brian, who is possibly worser than Sean? I mean, HE HAS A PERM. I don't think I could ever pick a French dude. They're too French-y. Am I Frenchist??? Francophobe??? No, like, I think French dudes are hot. But do I want to go half and half on a condo with one? NO. I won't get any of their jokes, and I'll never ever feel comfortable eating a hotdog in their presence. I'd eat a hotdog in Sean's presence, for sure. I'm hoping he'd want to photograph me eventually violently shitting it out a few hours later (because, let's be real, it's a chili dog, and it's not only one). 

Wow, what is this? What am I doing? I've veered way the fuck off. What happens after Tracy gets to Italy sigh. I like the moment when she gets out of the taxi and is trying to figure out how to tip that guy and he takes an extra bill out of her hand and she takes it back. That was funny hah haha ha. haaaa    ha

So Tracy becomes a huge model. Named Mahogany. Sean gives her this moniker. And his explanation is creepy and weird and fetishy and REDFLAG.ORG. But Tracy--Mahogany--is super-successful and looks super-cute and glam at all times. But also she's having a difficult time, I guess with being alone at the top, and not for anything she actually cares about. Like, great, she's a huge top-model, but she really wants to be a designer. So of course she starts trying to push her designs using her clout as a model. And Sean is all like LOL, NO. omg, any scenes with Sean trying to shoot down Tracy's design thing is sooooo fucking funny even though he's actually super horrible and I should be aghast at his behavior. Like omg when Tracy comes out on set and is wearing her own design. 

This^ thing. And I loved this shit. But Sean has an attitude because she's supposed to be wearing some other shit and how dare Tracy come out here with that mess AND SUDDEN NECKPIECE SNATCH. HE JUST SNATCHES THAT NECKPIECE THING OFF HER DRESS WITH ZERO CONCERNS FOR HOW FLIPPY HE APPEARS AND HOW OVER THE TOP RUDE IT IS TO BE RUINING A DRESS AND HOW NO ONE EVER DOES THAT EVER. YOU DON'T SNATCH A BITCH'S DRESS APART. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A MAN. AND ALSO ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A DECENT, LEGITIMATE HUMAN BEING LIVING ON EARTH. OH MY. FUCKING. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD.  

It's truly a beautiful moment tho. And I also loved when Tracy is modeling in that show and comes out in her own horrible design

and everyone is laughing (deservedly so), but no one more so than Sean. Who, the--oh, there's like an auction thing, right? And Sean bids first and it's for like five dollars or some hilarious shit. HE IS SUCH A CUNT I CAN'T BREATHE. Who does that? Isn't Tracy your friend, Sean? LOL AREN'T THEY FRIENDS??! He is sooooooooo mean I love him plz never die. 

OH WAIT. NO. NEVER MIND. BECAUSE HE DOES. BECAUSE THE MOVIE KILLS HIM OFF PROBABLY FOR REALLY HORRIBLE REASONS I DON'T NECESSARILY FEEL LIKE ADDRESSING RIGHT NOW LOL. Like, lol, let's just pretend they didn't kill him off because he was obviously gay. And, like, a caricature of a gay. And a photographer. And a white person lol. Can.not.    will not. 

Do I want to address that scene where Billy Dee and Anthony are, like, tussling? lol no. 

Here's a blurry pic of it instead! No...no need for...any...words. Ugh, this movie is so obvious. 

So after they kill Sean off for preferring the brown eye over.........ugh. Tracy--oh, right. So, she has to heal from the accident because she was in the car with Sean when he tried to kill them WHICH IS ROMANTIC AS FUCK, BUT WHATEVER, MOVIE. The French dude, who played that guy in Lili who didn't fuck Leslie Caron and weirdly turned out to be way less creepy than the main dude who we are supposed to presume will fuck Leslie Caron who is like twelve years old in that movie?!?!?!? Um, anyway lol. The French dude puts Tracy up in his house and she heals and then he pays for her to have a sweatshop and lol she's like berating her workers. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE FROM THIS THAT TRACY NEEDS REAL LOVE IN HER LIFE SO SHE DOESN'T TURN INTO FUCKING HITLER? ugh.com/stopbeingsoobvious. 

Tracy becomes super successful as a designer but she's not happy because ugh. Like, are you serious, bitch? You're super rich and successful but you're sitting around moping about fucking Billy Dee Williams and his Just For Me-sponsored coiffure??? PPLEAAAAAAAASSSEEEE SPARRRRRRRE MEEEEEEEEEEE 

The French dude is all like "fuck me now for payment" and Tracy obliges but not really. Like, he's ~making his moves~ on her but she makes her body go limp and gets all corpsey so he stops. And then the dude is like "you don't really want to do this, do you?" HMM, WHAT EVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA???? Then Tracy is all 

For why????

For this^. 

No. 

NO.

 

I think maybe I really hate The Affair???

So, should I even mention the Globes wins? Eh. I was excited for Ruth, but the show winning as a whole? No. But as I said in my embarrassing ~I took notes while watching the Globes~ post, I haven't seen any of the other nominees in the category. Like, I'd totally buy The Affair is better than House of Cards or Game of Thrones or whatever because those shows look even more try-hard than The Affair. Or, oh...is the award for most try-hardiest? Then, yeah, The Affair win was totally an upset I bet. 

So, I have a lot of problems with this show. I must mention, though, that this was one of the few shows (new or old) last year that I was watching, like, ~on time~. I don't watch anything when it actually airs, I typically wait for later to watch it on OnDemand. But so many shows I've been taking like weeks and weeks to catch up on their episodes and then oops they've already expired and now I can't watch them unless I unfreeze my Hulu account which I definitely need to do because Hulu has k-dramas and regular TV doesn't and that is what hell is. But, ugh, ANYWAY. I was excited about The Affair. I was watching the episodes pretty quickly after they aired. I was...into it. But the longer it went on the more I was like: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. This is one of those annoying shows that thinks it's way better than it actually is and...that's embarrassing. Because I'm just watching it distracted by how deep or insightful or some shit they think they're being when it's like: um, no. So many things that were supposed to have all this relevance I'm just like: Is this, like, classy Lifetime??? Like, is this that movie Leann Rimes did when she met her soulmate 4ver Eddie Cibrian? Is that this, except recast with British actors for some reason doing totally not really that good ~AmERiCan aCCent$~???? 

Remember when Alison told Noah about how her kid was dead and it was supposed to be like ~a moment~? I felt, while watching that scene, as dead inside as that kid is...outside. and inside, also. IT WAS SO FORCED. And omg before that when Noah was like to Alison: YOU WEAR YOUR PAIN ON YOUR SLEEVE. Um, yeah. YEAH. And how it was framed like he ~sees her~~~~~~~~~~~~~REALLY SEES HER~~~~~~~~~ VOMIT. I think that was the same episode and those two moments really stuck out to me as being super-bogus and I think that's when I started being like: *tilted head at all times* at the show. And that was like episode 3. And I was fighting my hate for a while. Until I think whatever episode it was when the summer ended and Noah and his horrid little family went back to the city. After that I was like, UGH, END ALREADY.

I hate all the characters. Well, maybe not Alison. I'm...I was rooting for her. But in that Tiffany/Tyra Banks sort of way. But the whole time it's like....Alison, why do you like Noah? Like, no, seriously. You're married to Joshua Jackson, who is super hot and has face scruff and you have that cool beach house and your kid is dead so you don't have that to worry about. You're livin' the dream! What does she actually see--CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE DIFFERENT VIEWS THING. HOW NOAH AND ALISON REMEMERED THINGS SO DIFFERENTLY IT WAS ALMOST LIKE ONE OF THEM WAS ACTUALLY MENTALLY INSANE (noah). What was that? It started to get real ridiculous in later episodes when they were remembering entirely different fucking events. Like, the last episode right? Where one remembers Joshua Jackson pulling a gun on himself AND THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T RECALL THIS AT ALL??? WHAT?? How...how does that work? Like, I think Noah remembered JJ threatening to shoot him. But Alison remembered JJ threatening to kill himself?? WHO JUST REMEMBERS ENTIRELY WHOLE BIG MAJOR DIFFERENT THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPENING? no. nonononnonon. No. 

(how does this turn into a shotgun plz explain)

So that was dumb. But let me get back to talking about how much I hated everyone except for maybe Alison. Noah and his entire Holocaust but in family form can go drown in a fire. Like, the wife, the...there were two random ~quirky~ little kids who thank god barely had any screentime - they can definitely die. The older son, whom I so deeply wanted to have a Getting Molested storyline - he could die just from that pretending to hang himself bullshit from episode 1 alone. AND THEN REMEMBER WHEN HE LET THAT HORSE GO?????? Fucking---I'll forgive him if it turns out he was being molested. IS IT JUST ME OR WERE THEY HINTING AT THAT???? BY THE GRANDFATHER, RIGHT?? omg. And that daughter. The writers...they were really pulling out all the stops here, I guess. Maybe...one of them has a daughter but they're too conservative or whatever to kill her. Like, we're not in Florida, you can't just kill your kid. Anyway, the daughter is...awful. It's almost comical. And what makes it even worse is how, like, doll-ish the actress is. It's very Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed maybe? Eventho Patty Mc looked like a goddamn devil, she also looked like one of those dolls. You know the ones. Those. Actually, now that I'm thinking about this, I wouldn't mind having a show just focusing on the daughter. She's a mess, and possibly that's interesting?? Maybe. Ugh, I'm totally watching season 2 even though I hate absolutely everything and apparently Noah and Alison end up together and Noah gets his book adapted into a shitty movie starring probably like Henry Cavill or some shit OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Separate paragraph for my Noah hate? I'm biased, because I sort of hate Dominic West. Hated him in The Wire, hatedhated him in The Hour (and ooooh boy @ him getting a Globes nom over Ben r u fucking kidding me); hate him in this. I don't know what it is - something. His face? I don't. His voice, the way his lips move? He's off-putting to me and I just can't get into it. Would I have liked this more had maybe Joshua Jackson played the Noah part and Dominic played Cole? Maybe??? I'm not like a JJ ~fan~. I don't care about him. He actually might actually be a not even good actor. But...I feel like if you're trying to sell me a ~great romance~ that starts building on the foundation of fucking infidelity, you're going to need to give me two leads I can really get into and ship. You did not give me that here. JJ would have been an improvement for me, but there are tons of other actors you could've paired with Ruth, who I have no criticism for. Who would be my dream-cast for Noah? Someone...less smug-looking. But I guess you sort of have to have that look for the role of like a dude who thinks he's got The Next Great American Novel in him and is slumming it as a teacher. uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh

I just, hate everything. No, the theme song. I love the theme song. I wish this show was maybe just all Fiona Apple songs while Ruth Wilson is standing on the moors or whatever staring out mournfully towards the sea? OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN THEY TRIED TO PULL AN EDNA FROM THE AWAKENING AND HAVE ALISON FAUX-ATTEMPT TO DROWN HERSELF???? puh-lease. This show is so fucking try-hard I can't breathe. AND THE, LIKE, B-STORY PLOT ABOUT DRUG SMUGGLING OR SOME SHIT???? Alright. Someone take Hagai Levi's crayons away. It's past his bedtime. And that other one. There's a woman, too lazy to look it up. But I think they were both responsible for In Treament, which is another try-hard as fuck show. But...it's at least interesting. This show, when I'm not raging over how annoyed I am, might be really boring???? Well, save for whatever the fuck is going on with Mare Winningham, who sort of quietly killed it? Yes to whatever she's doing and much more of that in seas 2, which like I said, I'll be watching because I have no self-respect. And more Elvin from The Cosby Show pretending to read Infinite Jest. Can he get a spin-off? If you do that I'll forgive you for everything else. Who...who am I talking to?? 

(no, hug me. I've earned it. I wonder if Diane Kruger said exactly this after JJ forced her to watch all ten eps of this mess. Prob.)

Look in Any Window (1961)

(spent more effort on the fucking posters than the damn movie)

So there were all these movies made post-Rebel Without a Cause about ~~rebel~~ youths~~ which I now only refer to as ~delicate delinquents~ thanks to Jerry Lewis, who satirized this new genre in like 1957, loooooong before it was getting anywhere near wrapping up. Like, are we still doing the delicate delinquent thing? I feel like yeah. It's just, like, less leather jackety. No one looks like Sal Mineo today except for maybe Zac Posen (half Brando, half Sal???), who is not an actor, so. We have fucking Zach Braff now. Yay. No, but there are still some good ~lost rebel youth~ movies. Basically anything Dane DeHaan has done/been in, yeah? Omg he totally would have fit in during the James Dean craze. OMG ISN'T HE PLAYING JAMES DEAN IN A MOVIE SOON IT'S SO PERFECT. Sorry, wait. This...this post is supposed to be about...not Dane DeHaan. Unfortunately. Ugh, I should just quit and start an I Heart Dane DeHaan blog because really, he's all that matters. Like, why am I frontin' right now acting like anything else is even remotely close to being as important as him. Well him and Tom Hardy. Wow, STILL have not started talking about this actual movie I came here to talk about. Spoiler alert: I hated it. I'm stalling talking about it because maybe I might...die? From? Writing? About? How much? I hated? It??

Look in Any Window is about my spending at least forty minutes trying to determine what character Paul Anka is playing. I saw the name "Paul Anka" in the credits. I think it's either the first name listed, or he's listed beside Ruth Roman's name. Also the credits tell me Paul has sung the title song. Paul Anka sounds like an old fat guy name, so I was like...is he playing the ~troubled youth~? I really wasn't accepting that. I thought maybe Paul was the mother's ~lover~...and then I thought it was Ruth Roman's husband because that dude looked really fucking ridiculous and out of place and I'm like: Yeah, totally, that's the singer slash ~actor~. It was weird how it took me forever to accept Paul was playing the troubled youth idiot. Like, I knew zero facts about Paul Anka before watching this movie so...why did I have any preconceived notions about him??? Ugh, you can REALLY see how much I hated this movie in that I am almost refusing to talk about the actual movie. I'm like: WHO DID PAUL ANKA PLAY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAT PERSON NAME BUT NO FAT PEOPLE IN MOVIE SYSTEM OVERLOAD. I really truly was spending most of my time being like "Is that Paul Anka?" ughggggh

So Paul Anka is playing - pause while I go look this shit up on imdb.com - Craig Fowler. Whatever. He's...a peeping tom. He wears this HORRIFYING mask and, like, goes around his neighborhood looking into people's windows. You can tell how white and old this shit is when the police are treating some kid leering into people's CURTAINLESS windows like it's a fucking code red terrorist threat or some shit. I don't mean to dismiss...how fucking creepy and unnervving peeping toms are. Like, it's for real. But the movie shows us Paul doing this and you're just like: *shrug*. It's almost immediately clear he's just doing it because he's lonely and his own family sucks seventeen gangrene dicks. Paul's mom, Ruth Roman, is having an affair with her next door neighbor friend's husband. He's a douche and looks...like an albino human football. I don't--he's odd...in appearance. He's like some machomacho type and he's neglecting his wife and their relationship is terrible and, gah, it's all so horrible. But not in a good way. The only actually okay thing in this movie is the performance by the woman who plays the neighbor wife, Carole Mathews. She's like in an entirely different fucking film. She was really serving me it. Like, she'd be that actress in a terrible soap opera that'd accidentally make the soap more terrible because she doesn't fall in line with everyone else's extreme mediocrity. That was sort of happening here. This movie is terrible, and then I get these little glimpses of goodness and it makes me hate it more. Like, why can't I just chill and hate this entirely? Come on.

So, Paul/Craig's parents are fucked up. His mom is wearing a bathing suit like the entire time and his dad is drunk and apparently also thinks he's in an entirely different film??? Or, perhaps, doesn't know he's an actor at all???? God, the dude who played Paul's father. What a fucking embarrassment. I mean, wow. Just, wow. I'm laughing thinking about how not fucking on that shit was. However, I was entertained by him. I'M A DRUNK PILOT HOW DARE THEY FIRE MEEEEE. I don't think he ever said this, I'm not even one hundred that he was actually a pilot, but he was certainly drunk. Drunk in a way that maybe Pee-wee from Pee-wee's Playhouse would think drunk is???? Embarrassing, truly. But great. In its not-greatness. And...when the father comes on the scene I'm thinking: Hmmm maybe this'll end up being one of those so bad it's good type of deals. I love super-shitty movies that are so shitty they end up not being that. They're Mommie Dearest, or there's so many unnecessary zoom-ins that I start pee-laughing, or Nicolas Cage. I love movies like that. And I thought maybe this would be that BUT NO LET'S SHUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW, IT WASN'T. This movie is just-bad. Nothing else. I couldn't fucking wait for it to go off and it's like eighty minutes long. It felt like eighty years, dawg. 

Like, I couldn't even get excited when that neighbor girl smashed into that glass table and ended up not dying for some reason. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LOVE THAT SO MUCH. Or that cop who was really aggressive and cynical and hostile for no reason. The older one of the two cops patrolling the neighborhood?? What was his fucking problem?? I couldn't even like how insane he seemed because this movie truly made me not want to live anymore. OR REMEMBER WHEN THE MOM JUST, LIKE, LEFT THE HOSE RUNNING ON THE GRASS????????? WHO DOES THAT???? SHE JUST HOPPED IN THAT DUDE'S CAR AND THEY WENT TO VEGAS LIKE WTF AND THEN PAUL COMES HOME LIKE EIGHT HOURS LATER AND THE FUCKING HOSE IS STILL RUNNING??!?!? No wonder that little chunk is spying into people's homes. Like, Paul's mommy can't even be bothered to turn off a garden hose. Do you think she can manage to get down to the store and buy a TV for little Pauly to watch?? She'll try to hire one of the Mexicans to help her carry it to the car and little José or Domingo or whatever will take off with it. No TV for little Pauly, so he peeps into these boring motherfuckers' windows. AND THE MOVIE MAKES VERY CLEAR THAT EVERYONE ELSE'S LIVES ARE SUPER TERRIBLE BUT ALSO BORING SO WTF IS PAUL EVEN DOING??? This movie is trying super hard to make some sort of point but, as is often the case with these type of films, I have no idea what it is. No, I know what it is. I know what they meant. But they failed. All I learned from this movie is that you can avoid being accused of a crime by simply running over to your house and putting a fucking robe on. Hmmm were you hanging out with a lovely lady and then you tried to rape her maybe and then in her haste to escape your clutches she smashes into a glass table????????? Just pop on over to your house and pop on a robe. You're basically wearing an invisibility cloak, son. 

Speaking of invisibility cloaks (no): 

Did I hate Paul? I don't know. He barely had any lines (prob for the best). But you know what I loved? Anytime he looked like this^? Because I think it's hot? No, quite the opposite. Oh goodness, look at his legs. He's serving me everything I never knew I needed. And, sort of, I definitely now know I dont??

I can't with this. Definitely watch this movie solely for Paul Anka lounging seductively in his bed after his mommy brings him breakfast. Also, I think when she comes in he's looking at porn? Something weird, because he hides it. I don't know, maybe his bra?? 

*oof sounds*

I took notes while watching Lifetime's Whitney ~biopic~????

ok, right away Yaya DaCosta looks super ridiculous and nothing like Whitney Houston at all. "Time to be Whitney Houston". OKAY, BUT WHEN??

oh, shit Luther. CAN I GET A LUTHER VANDROSS BIOPIC, LIFETIME??? Cast Leslie Jones. ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmg. No, but do this. 

"witcho big head self" accurate; black ppl. Black crackheads. 

WAIT, SO BOBBY IS A HUGE FUCKING DICK AND WHITNEY IS LIKE: yep, dats me. Future wifey. ugh

this dude looks -550% anything like Bobby Brown. And, good. 

w8, but this is clearly, specifically, about Whitney and Bobby's relationship. Why didn't they label it like how they did Liz & Dick??? It's not like including Bobby's name in the title would turn people off from watching. Their horrible relationship is prob the most famous thing about her so, tres confused.

"I was just messin' with you" OKAY. 

ANITA BAKER. And still alive. 

"As of tonight, I'm a Bobby Brown fan." lol shade because she wasn't before. 

WHY WOULD SHE SAY YES TO A DATE WITH THIS COON? Come on. What is that hairstyle? And what was that performance? ugggh why do u like him, Whitney? She was obvi on drugs b4 she met this dude because I MEAN!

This singing is...awkward. Not only is it not Whitney's voice, but it's not Yaya's either. How does...that work?????????

This movie should be cheekily called "The Greatest Love Of All". Wait, is that cheeky or offensive?? 

Shopping on Rodeo? Ugh, so basic.

Was that drink-spilling in the script? THIS IS IMPORTANT I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S LIKE A FORESHADOWING DEVICE.

The true star of this "film" will prove to be Robin. #calledit

Yaya is giving me Jackée Harry tease. Is that...good? Well, no, because this isn't a Jackée Harry biopic EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULD BE

OMG ARE THEY IMPLYING WHITNEY GOT BOBBY HOOKED?!?!?

"I aint got no margin for error" LOL OKAY

Wait, what is this sentimental music coming on as he brags about buying his dumb mom a house? #stahp

Is Irene Cara dead? lol if she isn't

lol @ Whitney just bringing her crack drugs out in Clive's office like it's mints or some shit. And even more horrible, A BURGER AND FRIES? Who orders some thick-ass lunch like that at a business meeting? I can't with this bitch.

WAIT, WHO IS PLAYING CLIVE. HE IS IMMEDIATELY KILLING ME. "STAY AWAY FROM THE YELLOW" ?!?!?!1!?! *Jew voice* "You look like a canary" 

Ew, their awkward ~flirty~ date convo. 

Wait, this movie is being suspiciously ultra-kind to Bobby, right? It's making me uncomfortable. Like imagine a Chris/Rihanna biopic and Chris is like "I guess it's just a case of the brain in my fist being bigger than the brain in my head LOL OOPSIES"

lol this sex scene. What is this music please???

IRENE CARA IS STILL ALIVE WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY TO ME

WHO. THE FUCK. IS THIS NIGGA PLAYING EDDIE MURPHY? OMG THIS FUCKING MESS ugggggh it's so terrible

lol is Bobby seriously jealous of...a TV monitor???????????????????????

*cringing* Please don't punch her OH OKAY FALSE ALARM. Whew. lol fake-whew because abuse would actually make this mess interesting

I can't take Bobby seriously with this fucking wedge on his head. This artful pubic shrub??? This skateboard ramp made of....kinks????

Aw Yaya is trying really hard. *condescending half-smile*

omfg is the black dude from What I Like About You playing Babyface? LIFETIME, NO.

Do I sense a ~connection~ between Not-So-Babyface and Whitney????

lol I thought Bebeface was about to tell Whit that Bobby punts babies for fun or something

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I am uncomfortable with the parallels between Sparkle and Whitney's life. AND IT'S WEIRD HOW IT'S SO MUCH HER FAVORITE MOVIE SHE GOES AS FAR AS TO EMULATE THE FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP IN IT??? SHE'S, LIKE, INSPIRED BY THE WRONG THING??!?!?!? iiiiii....i...don't understand. LIKE SHE'S WATCHING THIS MESS AND THEN CALLING BOBBY BECAUSE??!?!?!?

lol he has a full-blown family, I can't. And what is that child's name? LaPrenthia???!?!

"He makes me laugh" *Robin face*

Is Yaya...hispanic? *Robin face*

i h8 their ~romantic~ scenes. It's fucking gross. Also, I'm really immature. But that has nothing to do with my utter disgust. It's like 99% because of Bobby's silky shirts.

"I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT BOBBY BROWN" *Robin face*

Whitney's mom is either the mom from Gulla Gulla Island...or

OMG THIS TRAILER FOR THIS KEVIN COSTNER MESS. "DO YOU DISLIKE BLACK PEOPLE?" *KEVIN COSTNER VOICE* "NOT ALL OF THEM". Basically. 

Anyway, back to me pontificating about where I've seen Whitney's mom before. Either Gulla Gulla with an actual fucking giant frog as the main character, or...Parenthood, right? Or both??? I'm not looking it up because immediately I no longer care. I won't even look up how to properly spell Gulla Gulla's Island or if that's even the actual name of the show becuz #thug life

0HMG00DJESSMWUA WHAT IS THIS NEW ROB LOWE MESS????????????? I'M SO EXCITED HE'S THE BEST/WORST.

#who'skim??

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Sir Brown tells Whitney "Kim" is preg and her first response is to do coke??? Since...when?????? How does that............?????

Why am I watching this??? I wish I was dead. I wish I was...doing coke??? Oh, I get drug addiction now. Shit.

ugh, I wish this movie was about Whitney's time filming The Bodyguard. Who'd play Costner? lol what if it was actual Costner? I can imagine him being like "Whitney was my best friend. I will honor her by playing myself in this eventho I am a thousand and it's ridiculous"

no shade but....smoking can't be good for fetuses..............#antismokingblog

It's SO WEIRD when they show Bobby in a good/supportive light. I know he's not Hitler but............sort of, though, right??? Did...he advise on this film? I bet he did because...there's no other explanation for this. Sigh, maybe it's just humanizing him...or...showing all his sides. But I'm seriously getting vibes they're trying to make him look way better than he actually is and I'm like why?? Ugh, idk. Do I even really care????????? Yes, it's making me feel weird. He's going to give up his tour to support Whitney? YEAH, ALRIGHT. Sure. Sure sure sure. Ugh, you know, I watched that reality show of there's. Bobby put his finger up this bitch's butt to relieve constipation. You can't be a total monster doing shit like that. Unless, you have sort of a...fetish? AND NOW WE'RE BACK!

I'm loving these horrible fucking ensembles at the wedding. 

*Robin face* 

*Whitney's mom trying to pretend to be happy but the screams are leaking out anyway face*

"She's so beautiful" [beat] "and she looks like her daddy" half-true. 50%, good enough. F. 

CLIVE IS BACK! Those glasses. Are the lenses...orange? or, halt, CANARY?!?! No, they look very kidney disease piss.

lol Clive is gonna smack Bobby or choke him by the back of the neck and force him to get Whitney to work GOD PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN. Clive is so g'd-up. I need him to pull some thug shit on Bobby PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.

*Clive's comb-over*

Clive didn't kick Bobby in the chest and I have an attitude about it. But Bobby got his feelings hurt, so, good enough! No, actually, because now I'm imagining Clive wearing Timbs and just stomping all over Bobby's soul and I'm depressed I will never see this actualized. CAN I AT LEAST SEE CLIVE ROCKING SOME TIMBS. THE ORIGINAL YELLOW ONES.

How does Bobby have a compilation disc? Who does he think he is - MC Hammer? #ha

You know, I just realized I actually know very little about Bobby Brown. My image of him is the image that was pushed by whoever. #TeamWhitney, I guess. So, I just hate him based off that. I mean, I don't hate him...because I don't really care, but I have an entirely negative/assholey impression of him. So, going into this, I was expecting just, like, 100% of his scenes basically being all of Laurence Fishburne's scenes in What's Love Got to Do With it. But mostly-nice Bobby ~with flaws~~ is not what I'm here for. He's not screaming in every scene and pulling a ~less famous jealous partner~ and I'm distraught. I wish this movie was done in the vein of Mommie Dearest where it's just a ludicrous caricature and horrendous make-up and styling and acting. Well....they sort of got that part right.............so, thanx. Thanks for bad styling and acting, Whitney. Ugh, but the styling and acting aren't bad enough. It's so-so. So-so is not good enough!! Or bad enough!! I don't watch Lifetime for so-so!! I don't watch Lifetime, period. So. I regret everything. All of this. Living. 

Yaya doing Whitney's head nods, tho. 

Was that Tyrese in the audience??.................... -_-

I'm slightly getting my life to this "I'm Every Woman" montage...thing.

omgomgomg Yaya doing Whitney doing "Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan!" 

No, but Yaya really is trying really hard. Like, props. *condescending pat on the hair*

Their matching red outfits. 

Bobby Brown: Remembering Whitney??? Yeah, there's no way he didn't have a huge hand in this movie. Everything about this mess entirely explained, thanks. 

50 Shades of Grey is going to be really bad but I fear not in an entertaining way. Which, is doing it all wrong. Sigh. Still seeing it. Going to regret it. Always, always, always. Why don't I ever learn? I wish I was better. I should, seriously, start doing coke. Like, for real, this movie is making me think it makes you get really into your I'M EVERY WOMAN feelings. I need something to make me not be so lame anymore. Not be so "going to see 50 Shades anyway eventho it will obviously be terrible and Jamie Dornan's face is like too small, right? It's too small." Yes, I will start doing drugs. It's been decided. If anything, maybe it'll make Jamie Dornan's face Ryan Reynolds'-esque. NO, GOD, NO. 

oh, god, who is this video ho? Did they have video hos back then? "It's Cheryl". Ahead of your time, bitch. She'd have her own reality show today. Hmmm, maybe she does. Maybe she's on Real Housewives Atlanta. Sheree???? Right?? There's one named Sheeree or something? Is that what she said??? Instead of Cheryl?? lol I'm so bored

mmmmm Whitney and Bobby dancing. NO THANK U

"Whitney wouldn't like it" HE NEVER FUCKING SAID THESE WORDS IN HIS LIFE WHY R U LYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING

Who is this extra-ass jailbird character? Sigh, is this movie about Whitney or Bobby? come on, son.

Why..........did the scene cut from her discovering him fucking that bitch to...her waking up in a bed? WHAT WAS THE CONFRONTATION OMG WTF 

Okay, here we go. A confrontation scene, but....why did they cut that other one?? Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over lol 

The best ~Lifetime biopic~ I've seen (I've seen like three including this one lol) was that one Rob Lowe did with...I think his name was Scott Peterson. But not the hot Scott Peterson. Another one. Like some older douche-looking dude with a moustache. Whom Rob Lowe looked zero like. It was really amazing and Rob killed it and I'm wondering why that movie was the best and this movie isn't? Prob acting. Like, Rob didn't give a fuck. In a good way. Not in that Lindsay Lohan way (side-eye at Liz & Dick). This movie isn't horrendous...it's a TV movie on basic cable. It's what it's supposed to be. Idk wtf I was expecting. I think I wanted more ridiculousness?? Like Whitney and Bobby were/are both really extra. This movie isn't extra enough. Sigh, whatever. Only ten more minutes left then I can be free to kill myself or whatever it was I was putting off until I finished the movie. 

wtf are these scenes with this Jail person. No, seriously??? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS???

lol omg just to set up this mess where a dude is shot in front of Bobby ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh AND HOW DID THE BULLETS NOT GO THROUGH HIS HEAD INTO BOBBY'S HEAD??? DO I JUST ZERO PERCENT KNOW HOW BULLETS WORK?!?!

lol that guy's name was Steve

OMG WHEN YAYA WENT ON STAGE AND WAS CLAPPING LIKE THAT I CAN'T

Bobby sort of looks like Professor Olgevee.....................................

and omg at this rehab scene. BOBBY TRIED TO IMPROVE HIMSELF, EVERYBODY. 

immediate no to a non-Whitney versh of "I Will Always Love You". They're trying to make me get in my feelings but "Whitney" is being too cracky, so, no. 

Okay this mess is over and I regret every single moment and I regret taking "notes". Like, if you're taking notes......if a thing requires not your total attention....ugh why don't I just fucking give up. I'm gonna go eat a dougnut or something. That's a lie, it'll probably be rye bread. Sad food for me is rye bread. oh god