A Collection of Questionable Hairlines: The Movie (2002)

or, how I watched Paid in Full on youtube with Spanish subtitles I couldn't turn off because I've lost control of my life :)

Like pretty much everything I watch, I didn't want to screenshot every frame of this movie. I wanted to screenshot no frames. For one, I watched this mess on youtube. So shitty quality, and then there are the random Spanish subtitles. I wanted no one to know this was how I got down my first time watching my favorite movie that I've never seen before. I am ashamed this is how I spent my first time watching my favorite movie of all time that I can now say I've actually seen instead of lying that I've seen it like I was doing before :') 

Hmm, but anyway. Pretty soon into the movie I knew that I would have to be taking a myriad of screen captures. There was just no way I could not. As soon as I saw Cam'ron's questionable-shaped dome, I knew I was ruined. Life is terrible :') Exactamente :')

So the quizzical hairlines in this scene were really funny to me for no reason. They're not even that weird, and Wood Harris and Cameron Ezike Giles are both really cute, but lol, man, idk, maannnnnn, idk!! These are just some suspicious ass hairlines, I don't know what else to say!! 

Is his hairline suspicious, or just the shape of his head? Cameron Ezike Giles do you think you could hit me up and tell me which is it - your hairline or your head shape? Is it because you're ~*~Panamanian~*~ that I can't tell? Yes, it must be that.

Here in these two screenshots I was trying to capture multiple things. One, obviously, was me trying to get more evidence of Rico's enigmatic hairline/headshape situation. Two, that sweater. Three, I think Rico had just won a bet over Mitch, right? And he's being all braggadocious and shit and the shit he was saying translated into the subtitles was making me laugh. I think he was yelling at one point, "Pay me, nigga!!" and I was trying to screenshot the spanish subtitles of that, but couldn't :( 

However I did manage to capture him saying "¡No hay castillos, ni arroz, ni champaña!", so :(

Mitchum has a normal hairline. *single clap* 

My baby A has a not normal hairline :') So refreshing to go from normal-looking Mitch to way more oblong-looking A. I feel weird even lowkey roasting A lol because he's so cute and I want to just draw one of those sharpie/shoe polish, Stahr Milan-esque hairlines on him. And then immediately proceed to sensually lick it off? :/

It was imperative that I capture the translation of "my nigga". Lol why is nigga just "negro"? Smh. And omg look at babygirl A in his tiny little hoodie I'M SCREAMING I WANT TO DIE DELIVER ME

LOOK AT IT!! ¡¡MIRA!!

I took like a million (four) screen-captures of Dame Dash in that green coat. I was highly amused. Is Dame Dash lowkey super-funny? I mean, I'm sure he thinks he's hilarious, but he strikes me as the type of nigga that's just rude and has offensive views and thinks that's being funny but really everyone hates their guts and wants them to die? And sigh now I just accidentally made myself a Dame Dash fan come on when has this ever happened? Smh, never.

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE JACKET. Does A wear these tiny baby clothes because he works at the cleaners and is a poor? Right, yeah, because when he becomes a rich big time drug kingpin, he's wearing normal-fitting clothes, and at one point, a big ass oversized grey vest. Even his hats get bigger. That bucket hat, anyone?! Man, I can't wait to get to those screenshots ugh hurry up!! 

Oh, this was when Mitch was threatening one of his lackeys. Like they got their shit robbed and he was yelling at the dude that he needed to find the nigga who robbed him or he wasn't getting any more drugs to sell? Idk, but it was funny and I was trying to capture that but I failed so maybe I should have deleted the screenshot and not included it in this embarrassing post but I've already made so many mistakes, why stop now? :') 

:(

Aw, I felt bad for Martina McBride. If A chose the thug life over working at the cleaners with me I'd be super-devastated. Why couldn't he just not say anything about that coke he found? Curiosity killed the cat, you know? Speaking of cats and killing things. Nah, I won't make a completely egregious and mostly nonsensical sexual innuendo about what I'd like to do to A in that tiny ass jacket. Anyway, it would be fraudulent of me to pretend I want to do anything other than zip it all the way up to his neck. A is a lady.  

Lol why did I take these screencaps. I think just seeing Rico in prison was inherently funny. Also, is he asking for a little bit of water, b? Aw :') Actually it looks more like he is rudely demanding it? Aw :') 

A and Keisha are so cute I want to destroy them. Hmmm but I felt a little weird about Keisha being like "I'm boring and I like you because you're boring". Hmmmm what's boring about dating fucking Scarface? I mean, I know A is no Tony Montana-type. He's not a shout-out Italian doing Cuban face or anything embarrassing like that, but he's still slinging drugs? Like, I want this scene to be cute, but...girl, you're dating a drug dealer. Am I being too pearl-clutchy? No! HE DEALS DRUGS!! 

qqs:

1. What is Rico wearing?

2. What is this meeting spot?

3. What the fuck is in D.C.? Like why does Rico think D.C. is the place to be selling drugs? And like why is he just focused on D.C.? Get the whole DMV, imo. You're thinking too small. But judging by your questionable skull shape and hairline, this is maybe as big as your thinking can get. Poor bebe :(

4. Is Rico in love with Mitch? Like it explains everything but at the same time nothing. Anyway, Rico is probably just a psychopath. Or Panamanian.

5. Why did I take all these screencaps?

6. You know why, stop playin. 

7. Wait but why is Mitch looking lustfully at Rico like that? Like, let me get in dem cheeks. I initially took that s/c of him to capture his way too normal ass hairline. It's all nice and good. He even got that little swoop smh. But thank god I accidentally ended up capturing Mitch looking like the bootysnatching demon that he is :) Life is good sometimes. Loljk

Yes.

Nah. That hairline is just...not something that's supposed to be. It's just not!! Look how ol' girl is looking at it! Like, "...ehh?" 

So big time drug kingpin A can finally wear normal-sized clothes. Am I into it? Yes. LOOK AT THAT VEST. And he's so happy :') 

Does money improve A's hairline? NO. This new money nigga sittin' up here with an old money hairline smh. 

I have no idea why I screencaptured this. A lot of times when I watch stuff there's like a funny moment so I'll take a screenshot of it and then later I'll be looking over my pics it's like, oh...it was mostly just funny dialogue? And there won't even be any captions. At least here I actually have captions. But...they're en español, so. Like, I don't speak spanish, so. But I think ¿qué pasa, hombre? is what's up homey or what's good homey and so...that is funny to me siiiiigh

But por que es Rico wearing one of those graffiti shirts you can get made for you on the boardwalk? Hmmm? Also I wonder if you can buy his shirt online somewhere. Like Karmaloop or Etsy or somewhere? Asking for a friend.

I need every outfit here. Omg I forgot to swoon over A's gigantic dark wash denim JEAN JACKEG ARE YOUT FUCKIG  F ANFIGOGNMAN KIDDING MEMEMEEEEE

Yo. But. I don't understand why Ace let Rico be in the squad. Lol he's mad, like, obviously a Judas type. And even if you can't tell that, he's still mad shout-out and loud and flashy and Panamanian and shit. What about Rico says to A "good idea"? NOT A DAMN THING. A gets what he deserves messing with this idiot. ESPECIALLY after Rico shot that dude in broad fucking daylight and A still let him be in the squad. Come on! Common sense es tu amigo. 

Why does Ace just like listen to Rico's bullshit? He's all "Know I'll always have your back!". Does A even say to him that it's maybe not a cute idea to shoot a nigga in broad daylight like this is Grand Theft Auto or some shit? No, he's just like "Okay, baby" and hops in the car??? ????????

Look at that dude in the hat omg how does a person like that exist. I wonder if that actor is still alive. Nah, no way. There's no way. 

The most shocking thing about this movie was that Rico's sex tape partner was a woman. However, not surprised he was taking her from behind. Howeverhowever, back to being surprised that she was not taking him IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN haha :(

1. Why is everyone sitting around watching this sex tape? Like wouldn't it be weird to watch your friend...fuck someone? Like, what? Lol why am I asking normal-person questions like I'm watching an even remotely appropriate film. Let me just be glad they weren't all sitting around wanking each other off to the sounds of Rico's fake orgasming. Sigh, now I wish that would have happened. I'm so cliché, honestly.

2. Why does Ace halt to tell Rico what time it is? Is he scared of him? Tbh, I don't blame him, this nigga clearly has nothing to lose, but...A is the boss. And Rico does defer to him and act all kiss-assy, so idk why A fears like, letting him know about himself. Maybe it's to showcase how not cut out for this life A is, maybe? Man, idk, but Rico is really annoying and I'm so just depressed at how far his character went in the movie lol. Is Rico supposed to be a fan favorite? I hate him so much, tho :')

A gathering of the questionable hairline and head shape club. All in attendance, say I.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS NEGRUM'S SKULL???!

You would think the way I chose to screencap this movie, that Mitch is an insignificant character and Mekhi barely has lines. And that's exactly what I want. Aw but he looks so cute in his little polo. OMG AND IS ACE WEARING A TINY JACKET AGAIN? It's okay for him to do it now that he has money. It's like those trust fund hipster kids who dress like vagabonds. Probably. Omg and I can't believe I didn't squee over Rico's robe. I was just so blinded by my hate for his character that I almost didn't see it. But I need that robe. However, wait, why is he wearing that--You know what, nvfm. smh

Omg when Rico called that dude "Kermit the Frog" I almost started liking him again. That dude, whose name I forgot, was another questionable hairline having nigga. And lowkey he totes looked like Kermit the Frog. I wonder if the actor was upset that they roasted him like that in the script? I hope so :')

I love when East Coast Niggas clap when they're talking. You just know a nigga clapping his point at you is not to be trifled with. 

lol w8 was Ace even clapping at Kermit here? Sigh, idk, he was using his hands while talking and that's what matters men who talk with their hands appreciation blog thanks okay thanks!! thankss!! thank you!!!! bye!!

Why did I cap this? What does "¿de acuerdo?" mean? You okay? I'm okay, nigga. I think this was...like at first Mitchum was talking to his little bro about whatever the fuck and then Ace turned up and...it was like a weird romantic scene? Mmm, pretty sure! Or maybe not romantic because pretty sure Mitch's love for Ace is unrequited. Though, perhaps not. Could explain why Ace hooked up with his sister. Wasn't brave enough to actually be with Mitch, so he snatches up his sister, basically Mitch in a wig. Why can't movies be gayer? Like I'm entirely creating fictional inner-lives for these characters, but it's like, just write the gay shit so I don't have to make it up! So easy! ¡Muy fácil!

idk

i don't know

I don't. know!! 

Why did I take all these caps lol? I think I was obsessed with Rico's sweater? Sure.

Who was throwing money and why does Rico look like he's about to smash them? Smash as in fight, not butt fuck. Or, hmmm, idk, maybe. Maybe both. Prob both. Definitely both.

Rico out on the curb being all salty because the supply dried up was really funny. Why did he take that one dude's clothes off? Oh I think that was the nigga who was talking shit in his car and Rico like dragged that dude out by the window and stripped him down? Anyway, I need that tracksuit. Is that velour? Chills are going down my spine I wonder if that's Rocawear and available on the discount rack at Macy's in 2004? 

This nigga is reckless and rude and I bet that's not even a proper bike it's probably a scooter or has training wheels. 

I'm just gonna post all the screencaps I took of that scene when Mitch and Rico visited A at his house after he got shot during that robbery. And smh @ Kermit not even disguising his voice. Idk if it was supposed to be funny, but Ace going "I know that's you, [Kermit]!" when his life was seriously in danger was...it was just beautiful and important. Anyway here are the twelve million caps I took of Rico being fake-concerned and thirsty as hell, and Mitchum being less fake concerned and thirsty, but still both those things and I refuse to like him. 

lol I think I was trying to capture all the weird facial expressions they were making. Hmm, nailed it. 

Cute couple.

Aw, this scene was "sad". Sad in quotes because I didn't care. Call me when someone kidnaps Regina Hall. But Mekhi was good here awww I wonder where he be at? Like where does he live? On which street? Any information is bitchily unappreciated, sweetheart :)

Smh. Was it really necessary to murder your beauxfriend in cold blood? Didn't Mitch say after he got his brother back they'd be back on the streets slinging? Why was Rico always so hype? Like simmer thee fuck down. I'm just...so bothered by how consistently turned up he was all the time. I'm so irritated lol. Enough! Nice fur, tho. 

Why did I take this? I think I was into Cam's ensemble? Why is he dressed for a thuggish bone funeral, tho? Smh tellin' on himself. Lol wait but like, does he think he's the grieving widow? He completely thinks that! Sigh can he stop doing things that lowkey make me a little bit like him? 

This scene was intense, oui? Let me stop pretending I care about whatever transpired here and let's talk about A's vest! I remembered it way bigger. I'm actually disappointed, but I'm still happy. It makes me happy to see him in this outfit. And that fucking bucket hat. Is that meant to camouflage his bandage? Lol. Or maybe his hairline? Do you think he heard me joking on how his hair grows on his weird-shaped skeleton? Aw, I'm sorry! Don't be ashamed! It looks mostly normal! At least you're not Gumby! Right? At least you're not Gumby? You do...like you do look a little bit like Gumby, tho. Mixed with Skeeter from Doug? But in a good way :) A sexy way :) Those are cartoons :) Well, one is clay animation but still :)

I love Rico's fresh from 579 look he had on the day of his arrest. He's looking so clean and like his clothes smell like the mall and are ripping instantly under the clutches of that federal agent because of the cheap, threadbare material used to construct fast fashion :')

He looks his best in prison garb. His skin is glowing against that orange. Gorgeous.

Awkward :/

Please explain why older, ~*~normal and boring~*~ A's hairline looks the best? Wouldn't his hairline decrease in appropriateness with age and less dollar$?? Wasn't this movie produced by Roc-a-fella? Welp, that explains everything. Male fantasy and delusion! And who is that in the glasses? I feel like it's supposed to be someone? Noriega? Smh, probably. 

I liked the jab at how rappers of current day are fake thugs, but...like, do Jay-Z and co think this does not apply to them? Or. Maybe they do and this is a self-read? I can't see these niggas being self-aware in that way. They probably think they're exempt because Jay-Z stabbed a woman at a party once or some shit. Real thugs, foh!! 

Why did the movie end like this? But more importantly, why did the movie end, but my life continued? The universe is a ponderous black hole of mysterious quandaries, I suppose. 

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

I made a little outline for this post I planned to write, but I'm lazy so I'm just going to write commentary to go with the bullet points I listed and call it a day. Fifty shades of lethargy.

-i hated this movie so much at the beginning

The first, 15 or so minutes were really cringeworthy with Ana's awkward, clumsy ass meeting the ~super successful and intimidating~ Christian Grey at his office. 

1. Who would send a roommate in their place to interview a subject if they were sick? And didn't Christian end up e-mailing that girl his interview answers? Why couldn't they have done that in the first place? Isn't this mess for a school paper? Like, lol, please.

2. Christian isn't intimidating. He's a plain, white, boring ass dude, wearing a suit and running some [insert blah whatever] company. Congratulations, but you're not, like, Prince. You know? Or Grace Jones. You're not Yao Ming, and I just don't understand why Ana was acting like he was either of those people, all more intimidating and impressive than Christian's bland, unbuttered grits ass could ever be. Christian is like steel cut oats mixed with tap water. Christian is like an egg white omelette with no salt or pepper or anything. No pam cooking spray, no nothing. Christian is like a room temperature apple pie with no spices added. It's just pie crust and apple slices. But honestly, Ana's bangs having ass is all those things, too, so of course she got spooked. What a bunch of lames. I swear to god I almost turned this ish off with them acting all awkward and boring and shit. And then that scene at Ana's job! Jesus, this nigga comes to your job on some serial killer ish and you're all swoony eyes, for why??? And please explain Ana being all snarky with him and shit? Are you an employee asking a customer if they plan to murder ppl? Lol bitch, you're fired. Like? 

-dakota actually good

Despite me hating the movie so much at onset, I kept watching because I just wanted to experience all the badness. I'm a masochist, maybe? Anyway, thank god this shit got a little less cringey. First of all, this is basically Twilight. Like that's just an acknowledged thing because E. L. James' creepy, fangirl ass basically just copied that book word for word, only changing names, and omitting all that vampire shit - thank god.

Twilight sans K Stew's twitchy ass, and that yawn-worthy vampire angle is, actually, an improvement? SIGH. Man, idk if overall it's a better...story. But Dakota in the Bella role...was definitely an improvement. Maybe because she gets to have sex? So it like chills that awkward shit down? And yo, Dakota Johnson is just a better actress. Before this, I knew very little of her as an actor. She's famous to me for being the Amy of the infamous "There's a snake in here, Amy!". Like that's all I really knew about this ho. So I didn't know what sort of acting chops she would bring, but...she was pretty good here, right? She really carried the movie, I thought. And she was very cute. That made up for the awkward, clumsy, naive ass bullshit Ana is about in the film. There were so many times watching where I'd be like cringing at dialogue or whatever but then Ana would giggle or some shit and I'd be like "aww". Aww at Dakota, not Ana. I hate Ana she's mad annoying lol, but I could see Dakota was trying to add some little things to her and make something of this mess and I think she did a good job even though I definitely did not like Ana. I need to be very clear on this lol. I do not like her. But honestly, compared to everyone else, she's the most likable character? And she isn't even likable. So many things wrong with that. But good job Dakota? 

-jamie, not? smushed face. only thing hot when he bit that toast

Lol. Um. Didn't like Jamie as Christian. I kept trying to envision who would be better for the role. I mean, anyone else. But um...I tried imagining Charlie Hunnam in the role, the original C-Grey. I...don't care about Charlie Hunnam. He's like down market Garrett Hedlund. Would G-Hed be good in this role? Nah, too scrawny. I feel like Christian should be imposing on all levels. I was thinking maybe a younger Jon Hamm? Mmm, idk. Orr...yo, Idris would be good for this lol. Like all the white dudes I can think about, none of them...are intimidating. I could maybe see Ben Affleck doing this? Ugh, god. Lol. Or Tom Hardy, if they cleaned him up. Thomas can do anything, so he could pull this off. For me, there just needs to be a sort of huge dude playing Christian. If they need a pretty boy, maybe Henry Cavill? But sigh, nah, he's even more boring than Jamie Dornan. But...at least Henry Cavill's face isn't all smushed up. At least he has a normal human man face, instead of just a half skull with the features pressed in to wherever they could fit smh

Oh, the toast. It was hot when he ate that toast, right? But it looked a little zesty. Instead of eating it out of Ana's hand he should've been eating it out of José's. *sips tea, most of it dribbles onto shirt, burns tits*

-victor rasuk lol

lol.

So before I watched this movie, I knew at least a little bit about the story because I read recaps of the book a blogger was doing, mocking the novel line by line. So I knew about José. I knew he was ~the latino rapist~. Lol. I was so excited to see the José parts of the movie, and then when the opening credits started and I saw Victor Rasuk's name I almost peed! I was so excited!! lol

I used to have a Victor Rasuk thing? Why? Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to, okay sweetie:) But nah, I've been vaguely into him since I saw Raising Victor Vargas. He's cute and reminds me of like, every east coast hispanic nigga, so I'm into it. UM BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW JOSÉ IS LIKE WAY HOTTER THAN CHRISTIAN? Okay, calm down, maybe not way, but, like, significantly? Is it cuz he's short that Ana pays him dust? Cuz he an immigrant? What is it? ¿Que pasa, Ana?

My fave thing is that José is barely in the movie. He's Ana's ~artist~ friend and everything's all swell and peachy until Christian comes on the scene ready to bodyslam a nigga for trying to put the moves on a drunk white girl. Yawn, call me when you have something actually interesting lol. Omg and the way Christian rolled up on a nigga, snatching him all up by the neck and shit like José was some bad ass little kid - smh. Victor Rasuk can't catch a break. First How Not to Make It in America, then being unable to pull a drunk white college girl. Sigh, here, take these elllllllllllllllllllllllllllls. 

-rita ora lol

Let this girl be, please. 

-ana's mom being lowkey a slag? 

So Meryl Streep Jr. is sort of one of those moms who puts their man before their kid, right? She's like, a mature thot? I mean, she's married, so...that's fine? But wait wasn't she on her fourth husband? Mmm idk. All the shadiness coming off Ana's mom entirely explained why Ana is the way she is. But why blame just the mom? What's up with the dad? Or...stepdad? What's up with Ana's parental situation? Girl, idk, but it just completely lays reasoning for why she'd walk into the woods with that nigga when he was all "let's take a walk". Um, how about let's not?? How about we find a busy road with lots of cars and people and let's just not even think about these woods right here or going anywhere near them :) 

ALSO! Why didn't Ana's mom really say anything about Christian just showing up? Wasn't Ana in Georgia? And...Christian lives in Seattle... so............. you just hopped on the jet and popped by to say hello? And it was like clear to Ana's mom that Ana didn't...invite him?? So?? Whatever, that bitch was clearly more concerned with getting her drink on and playing around with her weird pedophile-faced husband than giving a care about her no backbone-having, easily influenced ass daughter. Ah well! 

-tame ass bdsm, ana's judgement of it, how she never signed the contract

I know nothing about bdsm. I just know surface, cliché stuff, like whips and chains or whatever. When I was reading the blogger recaps of the book she talked about a scene where Christian takes Ana's tampon out and like...brews it like a tea? Am I remembering wrong? Idk, but I would've been into seeing that. Sam Taylor-Johnson seems like she'd be into that, too. She probably wanted to put that in but they were like "pause, ho - this is a family film". Smh, no wonder she aint doing the second movie.

So the ~bdsm~ aspects of the film were really tame, I guess? I mean, maybe that's just how it goes. Idk what the fuck I was looking for? Kinkier...shit? Hmmm, revealing too much about myself, and also...this is a ~HoLlYWoOd film~. There's not gonna be anything really egregious. The sex was tame and their freak shit was tame. And then when things start to turn up a little bit when Ana asks Christian to "punish" her, she gets all teary-eyed and is all "Don't touch me!". Lol, okay??? Also, I don't see what the difference was from that and all the other stuff they had done prior? It was maybe just a little more...hurt-y? Lol, maybe she wasn't expecting the sting. It's like two kids play-fighting and it's all fun and games until someone gets poked in the eye and now you wanna cry like a little bitch. I thought we were playing Chyna and Stone Cold Steve Austin? When you ever see Steve Austin cry, hmm? Anyway, this is getting a little too personal for me and I'm sorry, but I cannot be impartial. Team Xtian on this one, eventho I hate his mushed face and he's zzzzzzz. 

Also, am I buggin, or does this movie (or E. L. James?) judge the bdsm lifestyle? Like, Ana is the mouthpiece for the writer and it seems like they're saying "This is weird and wrong, but I'll suffer through it for love"???? What...sort of message is that? I don't understand making bdsm erotica and judging it. That seems, idk, contradictory, or counterproductive? Also that maybe explains why the sex was depicted so lamely? This was clearly written by people who aren't really about that life, or even know too much of what it represents. And this is coming from someone who also doesn't know what the lifestyle is about, so it's a problem that I can tell you don't either. Fix it. 

Also. Ana never signed that contract, so please explain why Christian continued fucking her and doing all that whipping and spanking shit? He deserves whatever Kobe Bryant ass scandal that comes his way. 

-actually want to see sequel :(

Despite mostly not even liking this movie, and having many, many problems with the way certain characters and ideas came across, I did, unfortunately, get into Ana and Christian's relationship. I want to die. But not before seeing how this boring, tame ass snail race unfolds. Can you tell I definitely saw all those Twilight films? Some multiple times. New Moon was really lit, please don't judge me, but I get my entire life every time I watch Kristen Stewart somberly spinning around in that chair to Lykke Li's "Possibility". Ugh, pleeeeeeeeassssseeeeee. Please!!

-

Delete this.

Whore (1991)

There was no way I thought this movie was gonna be good. I watched this mess purely for Theresa Russell, and that ho only. Like, I'm into her? But I have no idea why. Like, when I first discovered/noticed her, I hated her so much. It was in that movie The Believer. Pretty sure her character was a nazi, and she played that like too well, you know? But how come I didn't hate Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List but I like really hated Theresa in The Believer? Man, idk, maybe it was the weird indie, Harmony Korine/Larry Clark esque dirtiness to the movie. Like, Schindler's was all high-gloss, whereas The Believer looked like some mess some early-aughts version of Abel Ferrara would half-shrug out. It's impossible to make a nazi be charming in those kind of conditions, you know? 

So I hated Theresa, like irrationally. I think maybe I saw her in something else more current (Spider-Man 3????) and was like "ugh, that bitch!". But I can barely remember those sad days when I hated Theresa. Now I love her. Things changed. Why? Again, I do not know. At some point I had the misfortune of watching the very uncomfortable-making film Bad Timing, by Nicolas Roeg. Do you know who the male lead in that movie is? Fucking Art Garfunkel. I cannot fucking stand that dude. Omg do you think it's gonna turn out with Art like how it did with Theresa where I start out hating him then I see him in something and suddenly I love him and can't even remember the days where I wanted him to be savagely torn apart by a swarm of cannibals like Katharine Hepburn's son in Suddenly, Last Summer?? Elizabeth was totally lying about what happened, right? lol like what was her crazy ass talking about? What is my crazy ass talking about? Idk, how much I hate Art Garf? I mean, even his name is hateable. He's disgusting I can't believe Paul Simon did this to us. 

Maybe. Maybe I started liking Theresa because, in comparison to Art, she seemed like, an angel? A dream? A sigh of relief? Nicolas Roeg forced me to watch this balding carrot fluff head play some douchey, sex-crazed player-type and omg the only thing that prevented vomit from volcanoing out of every orifice on my body (are u turned on??) was Theresa. Like, I get sick looking at Art, so okay, look at Theresa. Ah, much better, no more cold sweats :') The nightmare is over :') I mean, not really ugh. But sometimes I could pretend when Theresa would say lines because that meant Art was quiet, almost like he was dead :') Yes, this is totally why I started loving T. Russ. Also, she's sort of hot or beautiful or something? With her like smirky face and long ass blonde hair? She's lowkey cunt, right? She's like Kathleen Turner in her prime, but the porn version? Into it.

So I hated Bad Timing, but walked away loving Theresa. Then soon after watching that, I saw a movie that was almost as bad, called Black Widow. However, the Art Garfunkel in that movie was Debra Winger, so I actually enjoyed myself watching that shitshow. In Black Widow, Theresa plays a...black widow. Perfect role for her. Wait, but didn't that movie have a twist ending? Like didn't Deb Wing turn out to be the black widow? Girl, idk, but Theresa had these really ugly bangs in that movie and she wore like these cute little bandeau top bikinis and idk, I got my entire life. I love her for no reason like you can't just be into an actress because she looks like a glamorous porn star and can act slightly better than Art Garfunkel. Or...can you? 

You can! So now I'm a fan and watching any shit she's in, u n f o r t u n a t e l y. 

I saw this movie listed on OnDemand and was like: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Whore, 1991, Theresa Russell, turn up time. 

This movie was directed by her husband at the time, no? I'm too lazy to look, so let's just assume. Let's just assume he was only her husband at the time lol. What sort of movie is this to write for your wife lol. I mean, does it suit Theresa? Yes, but still. Why couldn't you have written a movie about Theresa being a suffragette, or, idk, saving an inner-city high school from deep-ingrained low self esteem due to slavery and pilgrims or whatever, hmm? Why does T. Russ have to be a whore? And like, an actual street walker lol. Oh, now I'm thinking this movie was a response to Pretty Woman? Because I think in the description it was like "showing the real life of hookers that Hollywood wouldn't!" or some mess like that. Lol, nice try? I guess? But it's like, everyone's experience is different. #notallwhores, you know? And we have no idea what Vivian's life was like before she was "rescued" by Richard Gere. And you only think Pretty Woman is some sort of fairytale if you're a huge loser. Who the fuck wants to kick it with hamster-enema ass Richard Gere? Not me!! 

And, anyway, is Whore really a more ~realistic~ portrayal of the whore life? Wouldn't, in real life, after Liz got gangbanged in that van, she have then been tossed into a fucking lake or river, instead of the side of the road? Why leave her alive? Liz does mad dangerous shit throughout the whole movie and never gets super-hurt. The most damage is caused to her by her pimp and lowkey I thought he was soft on her lol. I mean, he was breaking her fingers before he got killed by Antonio Fargas, but...idk, Blake seemed to be letting Liz get away from him a little too easily for me. And if he knew where her kid was, why didn't he kidnap him or something to teach Liz a lesson? Why talk about it instead of being about it? That seemed unrealistic to me. Lol why did I want Liz to be severely beaten and have some Lilya 4-ever haunted house ride ass experience? Idk, I think I've seen too many foreign films. Whore wasn't depressing enough. I mean, I don't even need the severe beatings and rapes and all that. I saw this weird Russiany film about a prostitute where she was pretty much never harmed but...idk, the way it portrayed her life seemed more realistic. Maybe it was the sort of comical tone of Whore that threw me off? And Theresa talking directly to the screen?? :/ Hmm, idk. I did think it was depressing when Blake tore Liz away from Katie, lol and then tossed that bitch's book into the fireplace. CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT HOW HILARIOUS THAT SCENE WAS??? WAS IT SUPPOSED TO BE?!?! Aww I felt so sad for Liz and Katie though :( But that shit...whoo, that shit was funny lol

Anyway, this movie was trash, but I liked T. Russ. Eventho maybe she's not even a good actress? BUT THAT HAIR!! Lol idk, I really loved her red outfit. 

I need that shit. I wonder if there's a Whore 2? Sigh, there better be.

Betty Blue (1986)

I've been obsessed with seeing Betty Blue ever since that episode of Peep Show where Mark stalks that girl at university. "Classic sex and suicide flick" I think his awkward, serial killery vibes ass calls it. Intrigued immediately! Except, haha, who commits suicide, ha, in this film?!?!??? 

The whole time I'm sitting up here waiting for Betty Blue to off herself and lo and behold she is MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD by her ~*~adoring and loving boyfriend~*~. Um, okay?! UM, OKAY. Like, Betty definitely had mental problems, but this is a French film, everyone in French movies has mental problems. It's like de rigueur. I mean, clearly, because Betty is up in here stabbing bitches with forks and slicing flamboyant book publishers in the face and no one ever...sections her. She doesn't get sectioned until she gets that bad haircut??? Like, that's what pushes it to the limit. Très french. Wait lol no it was definitely her Houstoning her own eyeball that sent her to the loony bin, but smh at letting it get that far. BUT EXCUSE ME! At any point is Betty suicidal? Don't tell me Zorg not getting any acceptances from the publishers had this bitch wishing for death. Don't tell me that cuz it's not true and I don't even think she was suicidal in general and miss me with Zorg thinking he could just off her cuz they were ~keeping them apart~ because she was in an INSANE ASYLUM. Maybe if he had properly tended to the bitch way way back, none of this would have happened. She set your fucking house on fire? And you thought that was cute, I guess? No red flags were waving for you? You do know...that fire is sort of...red? And wavy??? 

I am just upset because Mark Corrigan falsely led me to believe I'd be seeing a good ol sex and suicide flick lol. First off: not enough sex. Just gonna be honest. Loved the opening scene with them straight fucking - nice. But, hmmm, no real repeats of that lol. But Betty and Zorg's relationship was cute and intimate so I guess that...made up for the lack of bareback ass fucking every other scene :/. And I'll just ignore how dysfunctional they were because this is a french movie and that's just how it is, okay? However, I refuse to accept Zorg just killing Betty like all willynilly. Why couldn't he wait for her to get better? AND WHY DID MARK SAY THERE WAS SUICIDE IN THIS MOVIE WHEN THERE WAS NOT?! After Zorg smothered Betty I was like "ha, okay, so I guess he is going home to hang himself ha" :). Except :) he :) didn't? :) He just :) got :) inspired :) to :))) write :') 

Whatever, did I like this movie or nah? I can't decide. Usually when I can't decide that means I did. I need to let the dust settle. The dust from like, my explosion of anger over no scene of Zorg slowly walking up to the bedroom while Edith Piaf or some shit is blasting loudly from the phonograph and he discovers Betty hanging from the naked woman tie that dude wore to his mother's funeral. Cuz black comedy. I mean I guess you sort of gave me that scene when Zorg came up to the house and their whole bathroom and shit was covered in Betty's blood. And then that ginger dude told Zorg Betty cut her eyeball out and Zorg's fake ass is acting like she got sent to the camps. The ginger dude is all "at least she didn't die", but then Zorg wants to be crying, sliding down walls or whatever acting like she did? He's such a writer ugh. Anyway, I took a bunch of screenshots eventho I tried not to sigh. This is what I get for having a ~*~movie blog~*~. I can't watch anything normal. But tbh, most movies should be watched with the mindset of "What the fuck am I going to write about this mess later?". Makes the medicine go down easier. Anyway I'm a terrible writer and a blogspot blog is 100% my lane. I'm on the right track :') I bet Zorg's book is shit :') Betty doesn't even look like she can read :') Am I just saying that because her teeth look like something you'd use to detangle donkey hairs? :') I really love her teeth she just looks really stupid :') 

I really did not want to screencap. I really want to be...good...to be a good and proper alien in human being skin. But when I saw Zorg sashaying around in those little ass shorts and that canary yellow tanktop...I was no longer able to keep up the façade that I do not have a myriad of horrifying mental ailments. And look at that other one! Is that a newsboy cap?! Bruh.

I kept trying to get the perfect capture of the two of them :( Is that old dude using a shoe string as a belt? :( Does he play the sax? :( Why is Zorg so cute in that tank top but at the same time very killable?? :( Do you know for mostly the whole movie I had no idea what his name was until mostly the very end when Betty said his name right after I wondered aloud what his name was? :( And then she said "Zorg" like that's just some shit anyone should be called :(

:( Zorg had nice legs :(

I think I capped this because Betty had just thrown a can of paint on Zorg's boss' car. That was like that first real ~cray~ thing she did, right? And then pretty much after this it was all hell breaking loose with her almost killing that dude and then throwing all their shit out of the house and then she fucking set it on fire and then...like a million other manic pixie dream girl actions. Or, just, like, manic...pixie...girl. Without maybe the "dream" part? Like, she's no Natalie Portman dancing in her epilepsy helmet to The fucking Shins. Betty almost killed a guy. Like, lol, multiple times??? 

Ah. I thought...sigh, I thought it was so cute how into Zorg's book Betty got. Like, sigh, IT WAS SO CUTE. Maybe their relationship was a mess and Betty was basically Rochester's attic wife, but sigh, they were really adorable. Man, idk, maybe it's the accent. 

ZORG IS SO CUTE TO ME MAKE IT STOP LOOK AT HIS FUCKING SWEATER UGH SIGH

lol that rejection letter Zorg got from one of the book publishers was entirely unnecessary and cruel. But also it reminded me of a "review" someone wrote for one of the ebooks I published. They were all like "seek help". Sigh, I'm an ebook publisher. More than Zorg can say haha :(

Lol this was funny. Where did Betty lie and say there were going? Idk, to get food? Or, no, to get her IUD...moved? Lol what. Zorg should've known. Look at that publisher dude, tho. That robe is very cunt. His face is very sliceable, tho, so I don't fault Betty in this scene lol moving on!!

The bust is all "That's none of my business..."

UGH THEY ARE SO CUTE. No I've decided I like this movie and it's adorable and not just because they have accents and if this were an American film it'd be really shitty and star like Ryan Reynolds and whatever new up and comer ho is fucking Harvey Weinstein at the moment. Ugh imagine Ryan Reynolds as Zorg. He'd never be able to pull off those shorts. Does it seem like I hate Ryan Reynolds lol I actually love him despite his teeth and various other beaver-sized flaws :')

I'm just gonna post a bunch of screenshots I took of that douchey cop lol he'd probably kill any black dude he saw on-sight, but sigh, he was a treat :')

his fucking roll-out, just, :")

lol what are these screenshots like what is that one of the top of his hat lol. Do these properly capture how douchey/amusing the cop was, tho? Can you tell he started singing after Zorg told him he was an expectant father? Ol boy just started singing instead of giving Zorg a ticket? Idk, it was beautiful. 

Oh, should I talk about...that...weird, like, ginger butcher dude who...owned the store that Zorg and them's apartment was over? NO. No.

Those fucking teeth <3 Béatrice Dalle is so fucking cute and omg @ this being her first movie. I love when someone's first movie is like their ~breakout role~. Why? Idk leave me alone. 

PLEASE!!! imdb tells me she--lol omfg. In her imdb bio it's all "Known for her problems with justice, her relationship with rapper Joey Starr, and her explicit talking...". YAAS. I need to get into this bitch. At first I was primarily intrigued that she dated Joey Starr, whom I know so little about but just enough to know that dating him is at least a little bit scandalous, but mmm girl, idk. Just a cursory glance at Béatrice's imdb page tells me maybe dating her is scandalous. Lol "explicit talking and problems with justice". r u me? They also describe her as a rockstar and rebellious and beautiful and she basically sounds like French Rihanna?? I'm getting into this ho immediately give me all the movies omg I hope she's naked in all of them and she has that little tummy pooch oh lord I've fallen down the rabbit hole again why does this always happen?!

She's so cute even like this!!! Possibly even...cuter? I want. to d i e.

Yo, this cat, tho. Wasn't this cat watching over Beatrice's body like just a few scenes before she decided to give herself pirate eyesight? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 

I thought Zorg crying in the hospital was really funny and over-dramatic. He's all up on the window lol he's so fake

I thought...this negrum was fucking, lol, out here about to prostitute himself to like, pay Béatrice's medical bills? lol idk I'm screaming @ me, but also this is a French film so, come on.

But nah! He dressed as a woman...so he could sneak back into the hospital AND KILL HIS GIRLFRIEND?!?! He's all "They can't keep us apart". lol, guess not.

SIGH. SO THIS NEGRO IS SITTING UP HERE STARTING A NEW NOVEL INSTEAD OF BEING WORRIED THAT THE POLICE WILL BE AFTER HIS ASS FOR KILLING HIS GODDAMN GIRLFRIEND. FOR MURDERING A HUMAN DAMN BEING. BUT NAH, WRITE A BOOK!!! VERY MUCH WRITER!!!!!!

lol @ Zorg talking to the cat like she's Béatrice and then the cat turning away and looking at the audience like, "...this nigga"

gpoy