Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

I made a little outline for this post I planned to write, but I'm lazy so I'm just going to write commentary to go with the bullet points I listed and call it a day. Fifty shades of lethargy.

-i hated this movie so much at the beginning

The first, 15 or so minutes were really cringeworthy with Ana's awkward, clumsy ass meeting the ~super successful and intimidating~ Christian Grey at his office. 

1. Who would send a roommate in their place to interview a subject if they were sick? And didn't Christian end up e-mailing that girl his interview answers? Why couldn't they have done that in the first place? Isn't this mess for a school paper? Like, lol, please.

2. Christian isn't intimidating. He's a plain, white, boring ass dude, wearing a suit and running some [insert blah whatever] company. Congratulations, but you're not, like, Prince. You know? Or Grace Jones. You're not Yao Ming, and I just don't understand why Ana was acting like he was either of those people, all more intimidating and impressive than Christian's bland, unbuttered grits ass could ever be. Christian is like steel cut oats mixed with tap water. Christian is like an egg white omelette with no salt or pepper or anything. No pam cooking spray, no nothing. Christian is like a room temperature apple pie with no spices added. It's just pie crust and apple slices. But honestly, Ana's bangs having ass is all those things, too, so of course she got spooked. What a bunch of lames. I swear to god I almost turned this ish off with them acting all awkward and boring and shit. And then that scene at Ana's job! Jesus, this nigga comes to your job on some serial killer ish and you're all swoony eyes, for why??? And please explain Ana being all snarky with him and shit? Are you an employee asking a customer if they plan to murder ppl? Lol bitch, you're fired. Like? 

-dakota actually good

Despite me hating the movie so much at onset, I kept watching because I just wanted to experience all the badness. I'm a masochist, maybe? Anyway, thank god this shit got a little less cringey. First of all, this is basically Twilight. Like that's just an acknowledged thing because E. L. James' creepy, fangirl ass basically just copied that book word for word, only changing names, and omitting all that vampire shit - thank god.

Twilight sans K Stew's twitchy ass, and that yawn-worthy vampire angle is, actually, an improvement? SIGH. Man, idk if overall it's a better...story. But Dakota in the Bella role...was definitely an improvement. Maybe because she gets to have sex? So it like chills that awkward shit down? And yo, Dakota Johnson is just a better actress. Before this, I knew very little of her as an actor. She's famous to me for being the Amy of the infamous "There's a snake in here, Amy!". Like that's all I really knew about this ho. So I didn't know what sort of acting chops she would bring, but...she was pretty good here, right? She really carried the movie, I thought. And she was very cute. That made up for the awkward, clumsy, naive ass bullshit Ana is about in the film. There were so many times watching where I'd be like cringing at dialogue or whatever but then Ana would giggle or some shit and I'd be like "aww". Aww at Dakota, not Ana. I hate Ana she's mad annoying lol, but I could see Dakota was trying to add some little things to her and make something of this mess and I think she did a good job even though I definitely did not like Ana. I need to be very clear on this lol. I do not like her. But honestly, compared to everyone else, she's the most likable character? And she isn't even likable. So many things wrong with that. But good job Dakota? 

-jamie, not? smushed face. only thing hot when he bit that toast

Lol. Um. Didn't like Jamie as Christian. I kept trying to envision who would be better for the role. I mean, anyone else. But um...I tried imagining Charlie Hunnam in the role, the original C-Grey. I...don't care about Charlie Hunnam. He's like down market Garrett Hedlund. Would G-Hed be good in this role? Nah, too scrawny. I feel like Christian should be imposing on all levels. I was thinking maybe a younger Jon Hamm? Mmm, idk. Orr...yo, Idris would be good for this lol. Like all the white dudes I can think about, none of them...are intimidating. I could maybe see Ben Affleck doing this? Ugh, god. Lol. Or Tom Hardy, if they cleaned him up. Thomas can do anything, so he could pull this off. For me, there just needs to be a sort of huge dude playing Christian. If they need a pretty boy, maybe Henry Cavill? But sigh, nah, he's even more boring than Jamie Dornan. But...at least Henry Cavill's face isn't all smushed up. At least he has a normal human man face, instead of just a half skull with the features pressed in to wherever they could fit smh

Oh, the toast. It was hot when he ate that toast, right? But it looked a little zesty. Instead of eating it out of Ana's hand he should've been eating it out of José's. *sips tea, most of it dribbles onto shirt, burns tits*

-victor rasuk lol

lol.

So before I watched this movie, I knew at least a little bit about the story because I read recaps of the book a blogger was doing, mocking the novel line by line. So I knew about José. I knew he was ~the latino rapist~. Lol. I was so excited to see the José parts of the movie, and then when the opening credits started and I saw Victor Rasuk's name I almost peed! I was so excited!! lol

I used to have a Victor Rasuk thing? Why? Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to, okay sweetie:) But nah, I've been vaguely into him since I saw Raising Victor Vargas. He's cute and reminds me of like, every east coast hispanic nigga, so I'm into it. UM BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW JOSÉ IS LIKE WAY HOTTER THAN CHRISTIAN? Okay, calm down, maybe not way, but, like, significantly? Is it cuz he's short that Ana pays him dust? Cuz he an immigrant? What is it? ¿Que pasa, Ana?

My fave thing is that José is barely in the movie. He's Ana's ~artist~ friend and everything's all swell and peachy until Christian comes on the scene ready to bodyslam a nigga for trying to put the moves on a drunk white girl. Yawn, call me when you have something actually interesting lol. Omg and the way Christian rolled up on a nigga, snatching him all up by the neck and shit like José was some bad ass little kid - smh. Victor Rasuk can't catch a break. First How Not to Make It in America, then being unable to pull a drunk white college girl. Sigh, here, take these elllllllllllllllllllllllllllls. 

-rita ora lol

Let this girl be, please. 

-ana's mom being lowkey a slag? 

So Meryl Streep Jr. is sort of one of those moms who puts their man before their kid, right? She's like, a mature thot? I mean, she's married, so...that's fine? But wait wasn't she on her fourth husband? Mmm idk. All the shadiness coming off Ana's mom entirely explained why Ana is the way she is. But why blame just the mom? What's up with the dad? Or...stepdad? What's up with Ana's parental situation? Girl, idk, but it just completely lays reasoning for why she'd walk into the woods with that nigga when he was all "let's take a walk". Um, how about let's not?? How about we find a busy road with lots of cars and people and let's just not even think about these woods right here or going anywhere near them :) 

ALSO! Why didn't Ana's mom really say anything about Christian just showing up? Wasn't Ana in Georgia? And...Christian lives in Seattle... so............. you just hopped on the jet and popped by to say hello? And it was like clear to Ana's mom that Ana didn't...invite him?? So?? Whatever, that bitch was clearly more concerned with getting her drink on and playing around with her weird pedophile-faced husband than giving a care about her no backbone-having, easily influenced ass daughter. Ah well! 

-tame ass bdsm, ana's judgement of it, how she never signed the contract

I know nothing about bdsm. I just know surface, cliché stuff, like whips and chains or whatever. When I was reading the blogger recaps of the book she talked about a scene where Christian takes Ana's tampon out and like...brews it like a tea? Am I remembering wrong? Idk, but I would've been into seeing that. Sam Taylor-Johnson seems like she'd be into that, too. She probably wanted to put that in but they were like "pause, ho - this is a family film". Smh, no wonder she aint doing the second movie.

So the ~bdsm~ aspects of the film were really tame, I guess? I mean, maybe that's just how it goes. Idk what the fuck I was looking for? Kinkier...shit? Hmmm, revealing too much about myself, and also...this is a ~HoLlYWoOd film~. There's not gonna be anything really egregious. The sex was tame and their freak shit was tame. And then when things start to turn up a little bit when Ana asks Christian to "punish" her, she gets all teary-eyed and is all "Don't touch me!". Lol, okay??? Also, I don't see what the difference was from that and all the other stuff they had done prior? It was maybe just a little more...hurt-y? Lol, maybe she wasn't expecting the sting. It's like two kids play-fighting and it's all fun and games until someone gets poked in the eye and now you wanna cry like a little bitch. I thought we were playing Chyna and Stone Cold Steve Austin? When you ever see Steve Austin cry, hmm? Anyway, this is getting a little too personal for me and I'm sorry, but I cannot be impartial. Team Xtian on this one, eventho I hate his mushed face and he's zzzzzzz. 

Also, am I buggin, or does this movie (or E. L. James?) judge the bdsm lifestyle? Like, Ana is the mouthpiece for the writer and it seems like they're saying "This is weird and wrong, but I'll suffer through it for love"???? What...sort of message is that? I don't understand making bdsm erotica and judging it. That seems, idk, contradictory, or counterproductive? Also that maybe explains why the sex was depicted so lamely? This was clearly written by people who aren't really about that life, or even know too much of what it represents. And this is coming from someone who also doesn't know what the lifestyle is about, so it's a problem that I can tell you don't either. Fix it. 

Also. Ana never signed that contract, so please explain why Christian continued fucking her and doing all that whipping and spanking shit? He deserves whatever Kobe Bryant ass scandal that comes his way. 

-actually want to see sequel :(

Despite mostly not even liking this movie, and having many, many problems with the way certain characters and ideas came across, I did, unfortunately, get into Ana and Christian's relationship. I want to die. But not before seeing how this boring, tame ass snail race unfolds. Can you tell I definitely saw all those Twilight films? Some multiple times. New Moon was really lit, please don't judge me, but I get my entire life every time I watch Kristen Stewart somberly spinning around in that chair to Lykke Li's "Possibility". Ugh, pleeeeeeeeassssseeeeee. Please!!

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