Call Me by Your Name (2017)

Call Me by Your Name was ROBBED at the Oscars, bitch!! Maybe, idk lol. The Shape of Water is like, good? But as I've seen people say...like, Pan's Labyrinth was better. Which like doesn't really mean anything because it's not like Pan's Labyrinth came out this year and was in competition with the other movies, nor does it mean that because a previous film of Guillermo's was better, that any subsequent films nominated for shit like, don't deserve to win? lol. But anyway Pan's Labby is better :) But like, I'm writing this in a McDonald's right now, acting like I'm a ~*~Starbux ScreenPlaY Wrìter~*~, so I shouldn't even be allowed to have opinions. 

But I'm gonna have them anyway! Try and stop me!! This is a fucking blogspot, sir!! This is lawless country!!! 

Anyway, this is why I am not even using McDonald's (Their cawfee costs a dollar..) wifi right now because I am too scared to ask and even if I get the password I lowkey barely even know what that means when you have one lol. I am pretty sure one time I tried to use public wifi @ at a fast food place. I think they gave away their password in an advertisement? I could be be wrong cuz that sounds super fucking stupid, but anyway I def tried to ~log on~ once at some fast food place and like...it didn't work? lol. I don't know how to computer. Like I'm a millennial and I barely know computery stuff. Obvi, because I am pouring my life's work into a freakin' blogspot like this is nineteen goddamn sixty five or some shit. 

Hmm I wonder if i should use this post to also talk shit about The Shape of Water, so I don't have to do a solo post for that mess. Why am I like this? Idk, but you know what was really disappointing about The Shape of Water? Ole girl never fucked that fish man. I mean, she did, I assume. But one can only assume cuz they never showed that shit!!! And you know what really grinds my gears? When you look at Guillermo you can tell that he is weird as fuck. You know what I mean lol. Obvi, because he conjured (str8 plagiarized in a whimsical way??) up this story of a woman falling in love with a goddamn science experiment. Though, idk, to be fair, the fish thing was like magical. But ole girl def indicated to the top nesting doll among many of Octavia Spencer nesting dolls, that the fish god man thing had a dingaling......... Which she saw. ........

Okay, honestly? I feel like it was worse when she demonstrated lol. Just show this bitch getting it in with this fish man so we can all move on with our lives. Le major sigh. And like I said, you can hella tell Guillermo is a freak. There's no way he does not watch hentai (lowkey can't wait for his "inspired" version), you know? The Shape of Water was like, inappropriately too sweet? I get it's supposed to be all magical, but a grown human woman is fucking a sea urchin, so. Quit playing games. That's all I ask. 

But it's weird they didn't nominate Michael Shannon? He creeped and grossed me out and totally carried that movie highkey lowkey. Like, we as the audience should prob main be focusing on a human woman getting cummed in by a fish dude? But nah, because Shannon is distracting us by slaying the screen (and ripping rotted fingers off ahhhhhhh). 

But anyway, my Best Pic pick would not have been The Shape of Water. I feel like awards season--I feel like awards season is MAD LONG. That shit starts in like fall? Honestly I lowkey feel it starts immediately after the previous one ends lol cuz I already see ppl hyping shit from Sundance or whatever. But I guess officially it starts in fall. When a bulk of the movies have trundled down the conveyer belt, and then the "big" movies coming soon in late fall and December start doing their campaigns before their shits even come out, but anyway it's too long! The Oscars, FINALLY, were given out Sunday. In March. Bitch, March. Damn near summertime and shit. And it's boring like shit because the movies that are the front runners are picked early on, so by the time we get to goddamn the middle of July when the Osckies are punted out, we already know who got shit locked down. BITCH, BORING! 

But anyway, Shape was the frontrunner for a minute. This...I wouldn't be talking shit if this didn't have so much Oscar buzz, which ultimately carried it all the way to winning Best Picture. I get why some people were being all ugly & obnoxious lol by saying Pan's was better, because that is the type of movie I could see getting the buzz and noms. That makes sense. The first time I saw Pan's I was like...wow, this is fairly unique. Now I don't talk like that lol so those weren't my exact words, but that was the energy in my heart lol. And it was good. And made me have emotions. I don't feel like Shape lives up to Pan's...quality. It's actually kind of odd to me that this movie got so much awards buzz. It's nice, it's good lol. But Best Pic out of every pic from 2017? Idk. Look I haven't seen all the movies yet. But there's just no way lol. I mean, out of the nominated 9 they had this year, Shape is maybe...third? After Call Me and 3 Billboards. Wait, I haven't seen The Post or Darkest Hour, so maybe those are in the top (there's no way lol). But I would put Shape on the same level as Lady Bird. Both cute and emotional, but the tippity fucking top of the best? Lol? Like I feel like Shape isn't even better than iTonya... Shape is def not better than Get Out, and I barely like that movie lol. But one was pretty different and seemed almost wholly unqiue, while the other was Guillermo Del Toro stealing a bunch of shit from old timey movies like his ass is wont to do. And it's just like, sis :)

I actualy thought 3 Billboards was front-runner for a minute, til it started getting closer to the Oscars and I realized, I guess? People thought Shape was the least problematic film? The movie about a woman getting mercury poison in her vagina and butt holes from some sort of fish man creature? Um, okay. Shit was really weird this year. Is this what happens when you try to get rid of all the titty gropers? Let's try to edge out the child molesters also. And also any directors who think they are so fantastic because they watched a lot of movies when they were a kid and now rehash shit they saw a million times on TCM, but it's better I guess because now we have CGI and so many people who just simply do not give a shit. Sure, your movie is great. Where is my gift bag smh.

So anyway!!!!!!!!! Call Me by Your Name would've been my Best Pic pick out of all the nommed movies. Actually, maybe just my secret best pic pick? Like maybe I would try to be objective. But my objective pick (3 Billboards)...even that isn't all the way tippy top. Idk I would prob ultimately just choose what is dear to my heart lol. Hmm now I'm realizing maybe how hard voting for these movies are? Especially when everything is so mediocre lol. No, I kid. But lowkey? Call Me is like...just your regular degular gay romance film. Is it too soon to be saying a gay romance is regular degular lol? Eye dee kay. You know, I don't even actually think this film is regular. It's lowkey amazing to me and I love it so much, but I know that is not me being objective. I love so many things that are not technically, okay films lol. I've actually been trying to decide for some time if it matters to consider the technicalness of shit, or to try to be objective. There are so many movies I've watched that I straight didn't like, but felt that they were inherently good, I just did not like them. But maybe what only matters is what hit you in your fucking chest, and that's it. And I don't care at all what everyone else says about some shit. Like the movie Blade Runner is highly praised, but I watched that shit & was like WHAT?! 

HATED IT! 

Okay?, and didn't care and kept it moving. I didn't even go through the process of being like...but i can tell this is technically proficient. Only thing that shit needed to be proficient in was hurrying up and promptly fucking ending. And it couldn't even do that right smfh.  

But anyway, why did Sufjan Stevens get like the shortest set at the Osckies??????????? EVERY PERFORMANCE WAS *Crystal LabEija voice* TERRIBLE!. And that's a fact. What's her face who looks like Rihanna? Idk, but she was the only one serving me vocals and not completely embarrassing herself. I wouldn't say Suffy was terrible, he was just giving you your usual shy gay kitty whispers on a grand stage lol. Is that why it was so short? Um, lame. Also, I wish "Visions of Gideon" was the nommed song because I like that one more. It's sooooo beautiful eventho I have no idea what it is talking about :) Never do with my baby boo Suffy. Something about video tapes, and probably masturbating to Jesus idk. But anyway "Mystery of Love" is also lit, and should've won :) I saw ppl say that Coco song made them cry in the movie? So I guess?????? Idk, but I kinda wish this song category would move to not being televised lol. This isn't the Grammy's. There's literally no reason for this shit to be happening smh. Or just nix the performances (I beg of you) but when you do the category play a lil snippet of the song so we know wtf lol and then give out their award? What does the Academy not understand? Literally every year these songs are so awful lol smh.

At least James Ivory won. Was he responsible for one of my fave gay movies Maurice? I should really look this shit up and try to be professional for once, but this is the type of blog where you kind of get the vibe maybe it's being written from a prison library? And you would not be far off, so :) But Merchant & Ivory is a thing. I'm sure I've seen most of their films. Like the stodgy, stiff upper lip and booty pics with all these erotic undertones and then someone is always gay? Or at least definitely British lol. Yeah, I'm sure I've seen every one of these shits. I liked old dude's speech, so that was one good win for the film. I was kind of hoping Timmy would pull an upset and win Best Acktore lol. That was never going to happen, but how much more likable is he compared to Gary Oldman???? Lol, so much more. I hope he stays so cute and like, surprised and happy about everything happening. Okay why is this post so long I have barely talked about my fave movie right now omg. 

I jotted some "notes" down to guide what I wanted to address (smfh) so I'll use those as a guide to end the post. (No, this isn't over!!!) 

Wait, but why wasn't Luca nommed for best director??? Is this a joke???? Okay there are only 5 slots so I'll let it pass, I guess....... But....mmm idk I was gon' go in on Greta a little lol...but idk. She did a good job directing. Honestly I would ax out PTA or Chris Nolan in favor of Luca, but I don't know enough about what the job of directing actually entails lol so imma sleep on that.

Anyway, my "notes" smh this shit is a fucking novel, bitch get a clue:

-the peach

Sigh. Elio is such a cutie pie. Lol. Wait but when he was jerking off with that peach...like  all I was occupied with was my concern for like...fruit acids on a penis? Lol. I mean, it wasn't a lemon or anything, but hmm lol. Aww it was so cute when he started crying because Oliver's weird, big bird looking ass started to eat it. AWWWWWWW SO CUTE. You know my fave thing about this movie? The intimacy, which is absent from so many movies, even the lowkey indies that purport to be so different from mainstream. I just thought it was really intimate and there were all these little...touches. Like looking at a painting and seeing all these specific strokes and different mixes of color and all these different little things added to the canvas to make it so beautiful idk lol I am not a poetic writer but I felt poetic like shit watching this mess it was so cute and tiny in a way that made it big? Okay, enough! That's enough!! 

-armie looking like somebody's dad..

Okay, lol, so a lot of criticism concerning the movie had to do with people being like PEDOPHILE? Grown man fucking little boy?!?!?!?! Lol

Valid criticism, imo. But here in this movie, people speak foreign languages, and in not-America, pedophilia is Oh-kay, so, actually, criticism NOT VALID :)

No, I'm just kidding pedophilia is not a joke lol and please don't rape kids, but I think in the movie Elio is 18 and Ollie is 24? Correct me if I am wrong and no do not tell me to Google it, I use Google's stud lesbian aunt who makes her own musty ass deodorant Bing. And no I am not bing.comming "Is it okay to like call me by your name is oliver a child molester please tell me at once" because The Eye is watching me!!!!! So no just tell me if I got the ages right!!! 

Do I think it's appropriate for an 18 y.o. lil boy to fuck Armie Hammer's old looking ass? Look. I personally feel like fucking shouldn't start til 50, when most of your hormones is deaded lol. No, but like, 18 and 24...six year difference. But in your teens and twenties, six years is a lot lol. Like okay make it 14 and 20. That's a nah, and illegal. Okay let's make it 20 and 26. Okay, better. I think...anyone who is not a teen, should not be fucking someone who is one. That should be the rule prob. But like what if you're 20 and the object of your affection is 19? Well wait til they get 20 and if it's meant 2 be then y'all dumb asses can fuck then smh.

Armie do look old like shit though. Not in like an aging terribly white person way lol, just old. Like a handsome, well-preserved forty lol. Like an albino, not as alcoholic Don Draper. And then standing next to Elio's flingy little boy ass, it was just like, sir, are you this little boy's father? Please take your penis away from him, sir. Though I gue--Wait, I was about 2 say the age difference was addressed by way of Oliver being apprehensive, but I think that had more to do with him...not wanting ppl knowing all his gay ass business? I kept forgetting this movie was set in the 80s. Ppl totally rock those fits today. But anyway yeah I guess not as cool to be gay af? Though I guess it would make sense for him to still be apprehensive and secretive today? Idk but...yeah, the age difference wasn't totally addressed lol. Idk they were Italians who cares

-oliver's ~shyness~..

So I watched this twice. Cuz I love it so much. But I noticed new stuff the second time around. Like the first time I never noticed Armie's dancing 4 sum reason?? lol. But I also noticed...Oliver always leaving off. Actually, the dad correctly identified that Oliver is shy, and also I read a review of the film before watching that was all like...Who Is Oliver?? And that was my question also for the second viewing. 

He's totally unknowable, which is obvi by design. This kinda makes me want to read the book, but if it's from Elio's perspective it's not going to give me any more answers maybe. Actually I might read it anyway, because maybe the book is even more intimate? I'm uhbsessed with intimate shit ugh.

But I'm defo watching this again for so many reasons, but I loved the family commenting on Oliver when he wasn't around lol. Especially Elio being all in his feelings @ Oliver's "L8R!". Aww poor bb. Omg but remember when it was just Oliver and Elio's mom at the table and Oliver got instantly uncomfortable and was all like "L8R!" and got up to leave? Crying laughing emoji lol. But where does he go??????????????? 

-parents

Loved the parents. The mom was all sexy and pretentious. She just like...She was all Where is my [pretentious German book]? And then just sat down and started reading aloud despite zero people requesting this????????????? It was all extra and ridiculous lol. 

& Mikey Stuhlbarg. He gets no supporting actor nom? Simply for existing? I see how shit is. 

-armie dancing...

crying laughing emoji

-pretentious AF!!

I loved how pretentious af this movie was with the fucking german book reading and piano playing and music transcribing and idk wtf the dad was or oliver lol. They looked at sexy sculpture dudes??? And there was a whole scene where the dad was talking about the origin of a language or something and Oliver read him for filth with words that, to my ears, were like pure fucking gobbledygook lol. 

Just everything was too much. But somehow, not enough? Like they should have all been walking around in the costumes from Amadeus lol, that's what I needed. But honestly? Maybe the casual, countryside Italian villa fits from the eighties juxtaposed with people talking about Liszt's version of Bach's version if he was an emo UPS delivery man, I think? Made it even better? I hate this movie & myself so much.

-dad's speech..(legit taking advice in my real life to not try 2 unfeel feelings or numb self, to avoid bankruptcy..)

Bitch, I was choking. From tears in my throat!!!! 

Wait, but what is my note lol? Idk, but the dad's speech actually helped me. Like it really shook me when he was talking about how people take these parts out of themselves to not feel and have less and less to offer with each new victim they lure into their caves. And I was like, bitch, true. He made me think it's not so bad to have feelings (smh!!!!!!). To feel is a gift (smh stopppp!!!). And to have ever loved, of course, is a gift. Obviously it hurts a lot to lose someone, or not have things go the way you want, but at least you were in there? He def said it wayyyyy better lol, but it kicked me in my chest and made me stop, like, idk, feeling bad about certain things lol. Anyway, I have the emotional intelligence of a fucking churro lol but where is Michael Stuhlbarg's recognition???? I'm fake tho because he has prob been awarded and nommed all season but all I care about is him getting Oscar love. He wasn't even nommed for the joke they call a Golden Globe though. I want answers!! 

But wait, wasn't Elly's dad lowkey shading the mom when he was all I'm jealous of you and I never had what you had???? Lol girl what? That was the only possibly false note in what he was saying because...I DON'T KNOW! But we would have to know...like..what the dad lost, and what he and his wife have and blah blah lol no point in looking too deep into it. Though it could be an opportunity to think about older people. Maybe older married people, and wonder if they are with their ~*~soulm8~*. And if not, why? And if not, will they ever be? The dad doesn't seem like the type to not go for it? Though maybe he got whatever confidence I was picking up from losing and missing out and his regrets? Which is how he was able to give Elio those soothing words, knowing exactly what to say? Sad, but still a positive in the same way Elio's heartbreak could be looked at as one. Like maybe the dad never had his Oliver, but he experienced that regret and could use what he learned from that experience to help his son? So that's cool!!!!! 

-luv elio y timothee

Um, I'm a Timmy Chalabae stan now :( I kept seeing his stans all over the place and being like what's the deal with this lil boy?? And now I know :( It's whatever honestly lol. He's so cute like a mouse but like weirdly has the voice of Shia LaBeouf??? Idk, girl, but I'm here for it. Love Timothée, and loved Elio. He was so cute and like open. Love how Timothee played this role completely, just like all the little things he did and added to the character (dunno if all his choice or director's or mix of both), but even if a very strictly-directed performance, he took good direction lol smh. Can't wait to see what else he does. 

-y can't elio y ollie be 2gether? both american, no? or cuz gay??

Didn't completely get why Elly and Ollie could not be baes??? I guess homophobia?? But...idk. Didn't they both live in America? idk, I'm really tired like this shit will not end why won't I s t o p

-the knight story...is it better 2 speak or die? she says better to speak, but is on guard (LIKE A KNIGHT???)...senses a trap...is there one? PROB

Idk, just liked this little story. But who is the princess (was it a princess?) and who is the knight? Obvi a person with common fucking sense would say Elly is the princess (duh!) and Arm & Hammer is the knight, but idk. Wait, it's the reverse innnit? What if they're both?? (MAGIC!!!) (please make this stop happening!!!!!!)

-ellie's nosebleed

What do nosebleeds signify? Being excited? I get nosebleed sometimes. Usually when I'm stressed. Also sometimes when the air is, like, mad dry? What causes dry air? All the gays sucking up the moisture???? KABLOOOM!! 

"Florida Man..."

So it's lit. Like I actually watched this episode on an actual TV at the time it premiered. YOU KNOW IT'S LIT when, in 20fucking18, I'm watching some shit at its regular scheduled time on a fucking goddamn idiot box. I also watched Drag Race All Stars 3 on my tv when its new episode aired. So in 2018, this is what's lit: Drag Race All Stars 3 (fuck u Ben, you bum), and Atlanta: Robbin' Season. 

Cool.

I hate Donald Glover so much. He just seems truly awful, but also like a diva and I stan. No just kidding, he looks too much like a fake blasian version of Pigpen for me to really be getting into that, and also? Remember when he tried to be Spiderman? LOL. So, no, no stanning here, but I adore him for giving me this mess of a show.

I should chill, but this is almost exactly the type of shit I like. Obscurey, eccentric, black shit with off-beat humor also mixed in with like regular black people humor? If that makes sense?? (Wtf is regular black people humor? I sound like a white supremacist smh) It's almost entirely relatable to me, with the exception of its Down South sort of vibe. I'm up North & do not relate to any sort of Atlanta aesthetic, but then you give me Katt Williams who sounds country as fuck but is from fucking like Ohio or something and, I just don't know what anything is anymore. 

But anyway I super-like this show because it's black and it's weird. I be feenin for more black shit, but a lot of what I am given seems really cliché or trite or fake. Atlanta is refreshing as fuck, if you ignore the storyline about some drug dealer trying to become a rapper and also naming something "robbin' season".... Like if you ignore those things...this show is refreshing. But even if you want to be critical of the same old same old story of rappers, drug dealing and violence, there's still a fresh take. A hella oddball one, in fact. So I'm ignoring it for now. But I swear the minute this show goes base I'm dragging. I'm ready. Always ready lol. 

I forgot everything that happened last season lol. Like when did Earn get a drug charge? No idea but his ass was so unlikable talking to that court class...registrar...lady (idk what things are). Earn is highkey a bum lol, but it's weird that I...don't just accept that? I keep waiting for him to be smart and not...how he is lol. Does Earn have depression? Is he just from the South? Does he feel demotivated because he wakes up everyday and sees Donald Glover in the mirror? Or, well, actually, as Uncle Willie (was that his name? smh) pointed out, Earn is homeless, he doesn't have a mirror to look at himself lol.

Hey. I love Katt Williams. Can he be a regular on this show? That's prob not a good idea because I will effectively stop caring about every other character (with the exception of scene stealing bae Darius) on the show. I don't like being a fan of Katt Williams because he exposes the illuminati too much. And like for dumb shit. Like, he exposed Professor Oglevee. Professor Oglevee, like...................no one cares about him, Katt smh. Like don't get your career ripped up exposing niggas don't no one even care about. Like he kept "tryna tell" ppl about Kevin Hart, but lowkey? Don't nobody really care about Kevin like that lol. Don't nobody care. That's for real. Like yeah he's successful but in this day and age that means literally nothing lol. Expose like Steven Spielberg or something if you gon' throw your whole career away and be out here in these streets gettin' karate chopped into embarrassment by six year olds for World Star Hip Hop clout. I mean, come on. Think BIG. But you small so I guess...that's not...like, realistic. 

So I was dying this whole episode. With the exception of the opening scene though which was........ I was stuck on those dudes ragging on some dude they knew who is ~always tryna be somebody~, only for it to cut to them robbing niggas... The cognitive dissonance. I don't know what that means but 1. there's a 47% chance it works here, and 2. at least I never robbed anyone. 3. with a gun. 4. cuz real quick I just remembered stealing that fifty dollars. 

So this was a go0d episode!!!! 

-EVERYTHING KATT

-that alligator

-fucking Florida Man. This became even funnier after the episode when I go online and literally immediately see two "Florida Man" headlines smfh. But #iconic. 

-Katt Williams

-smh

-Al annoyed w/ Earn for him accidentally exposing his thot ways

-oh, it was so cute when Earn told Al & Darry that he loves them. Okay, ho, but do they love you???? Why they lettin' you be homeless???? 

-why is Earn homeless?? Is it a pride thing? Earn seems like the type of dude to "borrow" money from his baby mom's, so. Why can't he ask someone to stay with them? Well, he did ask Darius. Who told him to ask Al. Okay, well why he aint ask him? Would Al really want his cuzo out in the streets like that? Is Earn really feeling too awkward to ask? Dude you just got evicted from a storage locker. That's awkward. That's the rock bottom of awkward. Only way to go is up, but I'll let you cook. 

-aw I feel bad for him, tho. Like I don't like Earn, but I don't not like him???? He's okay. He looks like lyme disease, but there's some weird warmth there. So maybe he can get something going eventually as a human being lol. We'll see.

-when is Donald Glover going to put Sufjan Stevens on the map like he did Migos? That's all I'm really waiting for at this point. Any day now. 

-what happens next week? They showed a premiere but I think I got exhausted watching this on an actual television and like blanked out and didn't look. I like immediately went away from my TV (why do I even have this??) as soon as the episode was over and never looked back, I think. Idk, but I hope Earn finds a place to stay other than a storm drain. But if he did end up literally homeless it would be hilarious, or maybe not? How do you be homeless down south? The one good thing you have going for you is it's prob warm all the time, I guess? But where is there to be? The park? Earn...something will happen to him if he goes to the park so maybe his baby mom's will let him crash. But like, why does Uncle Willie have a house but not Earnald? Idk, next week on Dragon Ball Z..

Mudbound (2017)

I was reading some article (blog post?) on Vulture about how ~HollyWoOd~*~ is all super anti-Netflix, and this is why Mudbound didn't get a Best Picture or Best Director nom. Or maybe it wasn't all of Hollywood, but like the people who are behind and vote for the Oscars. One guy was all We'Re the ACaDemy Of MoTIon PICTURE! Saying how the Oscar wasn't a TV or Entertainment award, but movie-specific. I guess basically saying shit that goes through streaming is not a real film. But if it's filmed as a film....

My thing is, streaming is the wave and not going anywhere? These hollywood people seem #shookaf that streaming is turning everything on its head. They're all like I'm Pro-Theaters!!!! But very few movies are even successful in the theater. Some people in the comments of that article made two legit points:

1. Theater owners only want those big superhero action films to get people in who are going to buy $50 fucking popcorn. Do theater owners really support shit like Mudbound which is likely to have a smaller, more niche audience? If Hollywood was only to go by keeping theaters alive, all we would have would be these shitty superhero movies. Thank god some other people can come through and give us variety. Why are they being fake and acting like theaters aren't dead? They literally keep pumping out all these trash ass Avengers movies because they're literally the only thing (with a few exceptions) keeping the industry alive...

2. Another thing someone said was if academy voters were so pro-theater, they should be required to go see every film that comes out in the theater, instead of expecting screeners. I was also reading some piece in Entertainment Weekly about the year Crash won over Brokeback Mountain and one of the reasons given for how this happened was that it was likely fewer people saw Brokeback, which I believe was a smaller film. One of the producers of BB was even informed by Paul Haggis' dusty ass that Clint Eastwood, who I assume is a voting member of the academy, did not even bother to see her film. The producer rightly was like, as a filmmaker, why wouldn't you see all the films. And anyone who is invited to the academy should consider themselves, if not filmmakers, people who care about good movies being made and recognized. Which, oh!, also brings to another point.

3. The criticism of Mudbound's award campaign and Netflix's lack of experience with one. Uh, first of all, award campaigns should not even exist. Literally every voting member should watch every fucking movie and vote on what they think is the best, end of. What do you mean people won't see a film if they don't get a screener, or aren't invited to some kiss ass awards dinner? The people speaking in the article made it clear these awards for the most part are bought. And if not outright purchased, people are expected to charm their way into getting one. Why can't people just watch these fucking movies and make the best decision they can in voting? 

Like what? Reading that mess I was genuinely disturbed. But it explains why so much garbage gets nominated and wins awards. There are some true good things that get recognized, but I figure it works out like: Good Thing exists, Good Thing gets lucky ($$$) and has a successful campaign run, Good Thing gets awards. But even if a Good Thing lucks up and charms its way into recognition, there are still tons of other Good Things that never get that chance. Either because they don't have money or backing to do so. With Netflix it seems the industry & Academy is turning their nose up at them. Which I guess is how Beasts of No Nation went almost entirely unrecognized. At least this year with Mudbound, some shit slipped through. I feel with Mary J., she has a good ~story~ and is already a Brand. So that worked out well for her. But in the article they were like oooohh Dee Rees and them should've emphasized their ~story~. Basically saying how Dee should've played up that she is a black woman director, and also that her whole crew I think was entirely comprised of women. But like, shouldn't the story just be the great film? Like, how a good movie was made???????? Why a ho gotta be out here pimping her ethnicity or sexuality or tragic backstory~, all of that bullshit? It's not about the person, it's about the movie..... Like, these people interviewed for the article sounded highly embarrassing and sad. 

But anyway, no one is going to the movies anymore unless it's a fucking event. Like Black Panther or something, which, duh, is another big ass tentpole superhero film. What else makes big money? Trash like Star Wars. Jurassic Park?? What else???? How are industry people still frowning at streaming and shit when a lot of people and films have been ignored over the years if they weren't in some Spielberg monstrosity or Daniel Day Lewis or being bulldozed into relevancy by Harvey Weinstein? Sam Rockwell just got his first nom this year, but ol' boy has been banging out performances for a fucking minute. He should've been nominated for Moon (which I saw on streaming btw becuz that shit was not in theaters near me), but guess what? Voting members prob aint even see that shit, so he wasn't. Lesley Manville getting her first nom this year is blasphemous. Why she aint get one for Another Year? Did none of the voting members see Another Year???????? It's all such a joke. But you know my dumbass gonna still be acting like these awards are relevant anyway. Like, Gwyneth Paltrow has an Oscar................ They are obviously NOT. Tom Hardy has NO OSCARS. Viola Davis only has ONE??? Steven Spielberg keeps getting nominated for his basic bitch ass movies??? Jake Gyllenhaal didn't get one for Nightcrawler????????????¿¿¿¿ Faye Dunaway didn't win every award for Mommie Dearest???? C. Thomas Howell for his ICONIC performance in Soul Man????????!?!? I meaaaan, this shit is a fucking JOKE!!!!!!!!!

Another thing brought up in the article was how certain things like documentaries don't even get seen until they reach TV/streaming. Like no one is going to see these things in the theater. I defo be watching mad more docs thanks to streaming. I never went to see one doc in my entire life in the theaters, never mind that these movies tend to get small releases. And not just docs, but literally every non-mainstream film I want to see does not reach the theater closest to my house. So now I gotta make some big trek every fucking time I want to see one of these non-mainstream films (which, let's face it, are the only films worth seeing), and I gotta pay some annoying ass amount of money for every one. Never mind being annoyed by literally so many annoying things that happen during your typical movie-going experience. It's just not realistic. I'm very pro staying at home and paying one set monthly fee for a streaming service to deliver a buttload of shit I could never see if I went to the theaters anyway. Like, right now, what's in the theaters for me to watch? I guess I am interested in Black Panther (hate superhero shit, but blackks!!! lol), and possibly Annihilation. Am I pressed enough to leave my house to see either of those films? Absolutely not. What would I leave my house for? For the movies I heard about this last year, Call Me by Your Name, and Three Billboards of Ebbing, Missouri. This year so far? I think this movie called The Party just came out sounds like something I'd really like to see. None of these movies touch a theater close to me... I thought 3 Billboards was getting a wide release after they got their noms? Well, not wide enough. Anyway, I'm staying in the house. 

Mudbound was readily available online!!!! So I aint gotta worry about nunna that. Watching, all I could think was how it def should've got a Best Pic nom. Real talk, I saw the majority of the Best Pic noms, I think with the exception of The Post (no interest), and Darkest Hour. 

Sis, I tried with Darkest Hour. For like...five minutes. But it was so horrible right away. It was so fucking...awful. My god. So...so.....awful lol. And the three main actors in that film I go the fuck up for, but sis PASS. Pass, okay? And I bet if I actually watched that film all the way through I would think it wasn't deserving of a Best Pic nom. I feel like people are just hype because of Gary's transformation, but all I was seeing in the five  minutes I watched was some Whoville tomfoolery lol, sooooooo. Gary Oldman is a fave actor to watch, but not because I necessarily feel he is good lol. He mad ott. There's no way that performance is on-point and not a caricature. There's no way he's DDL doing Lincoln, lol come on now.

Wait, I was just dragging academy members (Clint Eastwood) for not seeing shit when I refuse to watch two of the main nominated movies lol. But come! on! Lol okay I'll force myself to watch them later, but honestly the fact that I feel like I have to force myself to watch two shits, is not a good sign. But did Clintward Eastbrick feel the same about Brokeback Mountain? Was he feeling all obligated, but secretly SICK at just the thought of Jake Gyllenhaal pressing his paper-thin lips on the behind of a horse while Heath Ledger sits in a corner hunched-over eating beans???? Was that what he thought the film was and just COULD NOT??? Like how I think The Post will be just a collection of dry ass scenes with Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep trying to lowkey highkey OUT ACT each other, but ultimately it'll just turn out that having the two in the same scenes together makes you realize how regular they really are???????? Idk!! 

Anyway, Mudbound shoulda got a best pic nom. Or maybe not idk. But maybe. I mean, watching the other films (with the exception of the two I said lol) I feel it's an equal contender. The supposed front-runner, The Shape of Water, is like good? But not...breathtaking. None of the movies are. Of the nominated major films, the one that moved me the most and was The Best, would be Call Me by Your Name. And even that held back. Mudbound could def be up there. Like, Get Out is nominated. I'm excited for Jordan because he's so cute lol, but like? It's not that great of a film???? It's a great starter film?? But not like, nominate this for Best Picture award???? It's a run of the mill B-grade horror film that feels upgraded because it has Something To Say. It was nominated on impact alone. But sis, let's just put the films up that are actually great films???? And like is Lady Bird a Best Film? If so, like most of Judd Apatow's movies should be up there? Like it's a good movie, but best of the year? Wait, but what if it was? Like, sis, I doubt it. A movie about some quirky white teen from California who, like, has a boyfriend, and then another one, and she fights with her mom, and she's applying to colleges and wears purple nail polish, like this is #groundbreaking stuff, obvi. No shade, I liked the film lol but I'm lowkey underwhelmed by all these noms, and that being said, Mudbound could def be up there, which idk if that is also shade to them lol. 

I don't even feel like talking about the movie because I have been talking shit for so much of this post lol. It's just I felt some type of way after watching the film and feeling like it deserved better. I felt that way after watching Dee Rees' Pariah, too. I just felt it put its emotional claws into me. And it was quite different, and left an impact. Wait, I just said shit shouldn't get nominated on #impact alone. Okay, but I said something about claws as well!!!!! Mudbound is one of those movies that's like a book. It was even being narrated a bit lol. It just had that whole Steinbeck vibe or something. I defo cared about the characters (mostly just the blacks lol) and was getting in my feelings and was all taken into the story right away and mad absorbed. The performances all around were really good. I actually felt a standout was the dad of the black family smfh what was his naaaaame. Idk lol (trash), but he stood out to me. He had a great face and was giving me #scenes. Mary was good. I liked the quietness of her character and how she'd just look. Like she was giving me #scenes from behind sunglasses and a hat, with minimal dialogue. ACTING. But why the Academy be ignoring Carrey Mulligan? Is it because she's not a glam diva?? Does she not campaign? Idk, but she gives #scenes as well. Pretty much everyone here does. No, like everyone. This was just a complete ensemble. And I thought it was good, and I am tired for going in so much earlier in the post lol. Do you think Mary could win Best Supporting? I think Allison is the fave. That's a good performance, kind of kitschy tho. I lowkey feel like my fave is Laurie Metcalf in Lady Bird. She made me tear up a bit. But if either of them win it won't be a thing like girl, why? Actually pretty much all the supporting actress noms are legit. With the exception of maybe Octavia Spencer. But that could be just cuz I don't like her lol. But if Mary won it'd be lit. No, you can't just vote for someone because "it'd be lit" smh, this is how Ordinary People won over Raging Bull!! Just kidding, it was the better movie. Suck my dick.

Phantom Thread (2017)

What is my favorite DDL movie? Hmm. I feel like DDL is that type of actor where I watch shit more for him & don't care necessarily about the film surrounding him. If I like the actual movie, that's a bonus, but I'm here for performance. I think my number one actor for this is Montgomery Clift. I like, maybe...one Monty Clift movie. Lol, no, but most of his movies I don't even like. One movie, A Place in the Sun, I've seen a million times. Don't really like it. But Monty, though. Monty, tho.

Is it bad I am talking about shit completely irrelevant to Phantom Thread lol? I was just saying that...I love DDL. And lowkey insulting this very movie in the process of me doing so lol. I'm just saying! That! There are certain actors that I watch just to see them act, and I do not care where they do that at. If I do care about what the fuck they're acting in, it is a bonussssss. It's just some nice extra thing to have, on top of the amazing performance, that I came for :)

Now, DDL aint no Monty Clift. Loljk, they're both pretty good. I think I prefer Monty tho because he was like way more pretentious and tortured. That's what I need from my acting baes. I feel like DDL indulges in #selfcare too much lol. I don't even get pretentious vibes from him. I mean, not the kind I like. The Monty Clift kind that's all about being obsessed with perfection, which stems from being tortured (there's that word again) and, frankly, insane. I'm sure DDL is a nut, but he's like sixty and hasn't died from an OD or killing himself, so he is probably fine enough. He is nowhere near as tortured as I need my ultimate pretentious acting baes to be. So I will never compare him to the goddess Monty Clift ever again. It was very wrong of me, and I'm sorry. 

Anyway, can you tell I barely connected to Phantom Thread and have no real interest in discussing it????? Noooo, this is likely a movie that I will have to watch multiple times to *click* with it. I don't mind a movie like that. Some of my favorite movies came to be my faves through that process. Some shit you don't know right away. But once you get it on like...the fifth try you're like, YES! It feels good. Lol. I don't know what my life is, but here...here is my primary issue with Phantom Thread. It is a technically "good" movie. That's all well and good. But that's just me trying to be objective (not super bitchy). Now subjective time (full bitch). 

This is a romance film, I suppose. It's not one...I like lol. The romantic aspect...was not done well enough for me. I actually LOVE fucked up relationships in movies. Pretty much all my fave romantic films deal in, at the very least, extreme emotional abuse lol. I love it. No shame in my game. Have no interest in regular meet cute type shit and never will. The more deranged the better. The relationship set up in this film was okay. I wasn't feeling the actress Vicky Krieps as the love interest. This is no comment on her skills, I just didn't connect to her. And idk if DDL did either. I could be wrong. I would have preferred a more electric connection for this type of story, and I legit was not getting it. Because of that, I was shipping Reynolds and his sister. That would have been a more interesting weird ass relationship to focus on. I get why Paul Thomas Andy told the story in this way. Like, I can see the machinations it took to get to the decision, I'm just...not a fan of the execution. And that's it pretty much. This is the type of movie I watch and wish I could've...done on my own. Mind you, I am not even a fucking filmmaker and have no idea how shit works lol. But you ever just consume some type of art, whatever medium, and you're just like, sure you can improve it? And it's usually some shit you want to like. So it's not coming from a place of ego, but like frustration. You're pining away for this non-existent better movie. It's a terrible mental space to inhabit. Because you are not getting that movie. At least, not from that director, with their story and actors.  

But I'll watch it again. If not solely to watch DDL's ~final performance~ (sure, sis). Maybe I'll come around. I did say this seemed like that type of movie you have to watch a million times before it clicks. It might click. Maybe. I am afraid not, though, maybe? I mean, not in the way I want. I was already in the space of reworking the film while watching and it's going to be hard to come out of that. This shoulda been a brother/sister incest film. We need more of those. This could've been one of them. Ya blew it.

Speaking of my queen Lesley Manville who should've been nominated for an Oscie back for Another Year, I am so happy PTA put her in this and she finally got recognized. It was getting annoying that she kept not being???? That's one good thing to come from this movie. Was this a better performance than Another Year which she should've been nominated for? Hell no. But she still deserves a nom just for being old. And also a really good actress lol. So I'm happy Phantom Thread exists so they could finally give some claps to your girl.

Did I love DDL here? Yeah, he's DDL. I'd watch his ass take a shit. Was this my fave performance? Now that he's dead (to me), I want to start evaluating what my fave performance of his is. Imma have to rewatch some shit. Including this. I def feel, even though I don't necessarily connect to the story...I feel I will appreciate this specific performance more and more with repeat watches. Hopefully that'll cross over into the story and I can find a place for it in my heart lol. Like I can totally see...noticing small stuff.. The small stuff always adds to the story. Especially to an intimate story like this. So, yeah, I see it. And now I'm getting excited and it's making me like the movie more. Or the potential...the movie's potential lol.

But yo, what type of mushrooms was those ol' girl was using to poison her bae with, and where you find them at??? Asking for a friend!!!

Not Enough Tom Hardy: Dumbkirk (2017)

No, I'm just kidding. This movie wasn't dumb. Dumb is me & this blahg and my life. But look, Where was Tom Hardy???? No, I didn't watch this for him. This one time, I wasn't specifically watching some shit just because Tomniel Hardy was in it. I could tell from the trailers he was like barely in it. And in a plane the whole time with his face covered in a mask SMHHHH!! No, I watched this because I am trying to churn through all the Oscar nominated movies before Sunday lol which is the worst/best idea. So far I've seen: Call Me by Your Name, Get Out, Three Billboards, Phantom Thread, iTonya, and this^. Defo, Dunkirk...I think, has been the most boring so far lol. Nah, it was okay. Harry Styles is in it, so.. #OscarWORTHY!

Okay, I jotted some quick "notes" to help me write this (no one cares about this blog or what you have to say plz stop), so imma just use this as a guide real quick. But when is someone going to ask The Dark Knight Director Guy (idk this dude's n-Christopher Nolan! smh) when he is going to create another role for Tom Hardy where he wears tight sweaters on his thicc body and says stuff to people WITHOUT A MASK ON? Wait, did he wear sweaters in Inception or vests? Omg, he was wearing like tiny little vests wasn't he?? When will Chrissy Nolan do another Inception but just with Tom and not with Leo?? Come on now!!! 

-white

This movie was super white. But do you know I know absolutely nothing about the war? Like the war that takes place in this movie? When I get around to watching that Churchill movie (kill me) I am going to have no fucking clue wtf his old ass is talking about, and that's real. Like, I do not even know who the fuck Churchill even is. The president of England or something I think when Hitler was getting his grown woman on all over Germany?? But girl, I HAVE NO IDEA!!! I'm scared imma watch that movie and the whole time just be fake-understanding shit lol. I'm so tired

Anyway, this movie was mad white. I just...a lot of times have to point out how white movies are. Lol but what if this movie had a tokenism aspect. Like Idris Elba or something as some random African soldier calling the lads bumklats or something. Anyway, deleet this blog and my life. But how white was this movie though? Hell of a palate cleanser. Smh, I keep writing. WHY?????

-no dialogue

Not a lot of talking. I'm big on talking. Though, I can appreciate some silent shit from time to time. Like, I was super-fascinated by the quiet French one that they murdered off for...being French. That happened, right? There was a lot going on in that drowning boat so I truly do not know, but I remember the movie getting along later and being like.......did they kill off that French dude???????? Like, he was the hottest, so I find that extremely rude of them. 

But anyway, I would appreciate a war thing where it's just like zero action and all about the soldiers talking. But not about boring war shit. Basically I want a The Boys in the Band, but set in like 'nam. That's my perfect war movie. Does that exist? I like, doubt it. But you know...I really really love The Deer Hunter, and that's a pretty quiet ass movie. But...that movie has De Niro and Christopher Walken & Meryl Streep and this movie has..Harry Styles, like 24% of Tom Hardy's face, and a bunch of unknown nubile, practically faceless young boy actors who don't have distinct enough auras to pull off all that mute shit. The only one really pulling it off was the French one, and they killed him. I just. Dunkirk was okay, but like, not totally my cup of tea. Like that is what I am understanding as I am writing this. Chris Walken barely talked in The Deer Hunter & I got my entire life but here people barely talk and I am like noo...plz fill in the silence now at once, smh. Please give me backstory so I can care about your void of a character like..

-cillian killing that boy

Um. #lifeissofragile But anyway, when is Christina Nolan going to write a really good role for Cillian like I'm tired. How English of him to not care about creating roles that are all about propping up stars. Miss me with this character actor shit. Have you seen Cillian's cheekbones??? How dare you.

-fascinated by pretty blonde boy

I think out of all the unknown actor boy idiots, he was my fave. At first I was like..who is this lil' hitler youth. But I was just really caring about his character. I liked how the actor played his role. If I was actually feeling emotions while watching this movie, I would've shed a little tear when Harry Styles was all "HE'S DEAD, MATE" (rude). Like, sad. And him telling Cillian that the boy would be alright. And him helping out with everything. When he locked Cilly in that cupboard. His liddle sweater. Loved everything about him. Now let me pull myself together :')

-french kid

Bae. Tragic.

-mad loud

This was very loud. Like, calm down. Chrissy be making these loud ass fucking movies, I swear to god. Also I am rapidly deteriorating internally. I understand this now.

-harry #aquarius squad (alex)

I was talking shit, but Harry was the true star of the film lol. He was the only soldier whose name I knew. Alex. Sigh..

-actiony

So I guess instead of a million pages of dialogue it was just replaced with shit exploding and people drowning & then the characters just looking at these things happen with their face, rinse & repeat. Hey, if that's your kind of deal. It is not mine!!!

-no idea wtf was happening lol

Had no idea what was happening. Like none. I am sitting here right now writing this even trying to figure out...like...what points I was confused at? And it was all of them? The whole movie. Where even is Dunkirk. Wait...is Dunkirk a place? Was it the name of a boat? Like. This is maybe a movie I would have to watch again, but it wasn't fascinating enough to me for all of that. Like, I got the gist the first time around. DID YOU THOUGH???? Anyway, two thumbs down. lol

Westworld, s1

Westworld really has me out here wondering if my ass might be a robot. And honestly? That would explain A LOT. 

Am I a robot?? Is this why I keep doing the same dumb shit over and over again and my life is a joke or...no..is it. Sigh, I hope it's cuz I'm a robot being controlled by some computery niggas, because if my life is just me being a dumb human I'm finna cry. Then keep doing dumb shit, sigh.

   

I ignored this show for a while because the promotional materials just looked like some Cowboys & Indians type shit and I was like nah, I'm good. Even though I knew this was about a creepy ass amusement park and robots becoming sentient, I was still like...ehh. It just sounded over the top in a not good way, and also I mostly despise sci-fi. I wish sci-fi was mostly made by people like me who don't like sci-fi lol then I think I could like it. But anyway what am I even doing cuz I ended up becoming lowkey obsessed with this show. Though often with any sci-fi thing I like, I often end up mainly caring about characters - not, like, the sci-fi type of shit. Though I guess the depressing sciencey shit in Westworld was a big part of why I ended up caring about certain characters. Or, should I say, robots? Lol it was weird af to be caring deeply about essentially a bunch of wires and batteries and shit. Like why was I going SO HARD for Maeve who is essentially an Amazon Echo with nice hair?? Like! 

So my bae is Maeve. But it's so weird cuz she's just code. Well, all fictional characters on TV are I guess, but, like, she is literally not even human. Though, again, fictional, so???? Also the thing with her ~daughter~ is so....heartbreaking?? Like, you don't actually have a robot daughter? Though, maybe?? Lol and then her screaming at that Asian dude whom I like but whose character name I don't know :( that she is in control. But sweetheart, you are naught??? Idk, I was mad she didn't leave the park? Like I wanted to see how she'd do in ~*~tHe ReaL WoR Ld~*~*~. But I guess the show is just focusing on the crazy shit in the park? Idk. No idea where this show wants to go. But all I know is that when Maeve reunites with her robot daughter, that lil robo bitch BETTER fucking remember her. Don't play with me!! 

So right away I suspected that characters we accepted as human, would turn out to be robots. I initially thought EVERYONE would turn out to be a robot lol including Dr. Ford's crazy ass, but was not surprised when it was at least revealed Bernard was one. But was a little late to realize he snapped Elsie. Well, I pretty much assumed he did after his big reveal and him killing that lady he was smashing. Well, I guess he smashed her in more ways than one..

:((((( 

Can we talk about her? I don't remember like most characters' names. Doesn't matter, I'll call her French Lady, though I have no idea what her accent was, if it was even French or Scandinavian or some shit idk, but she was giving you A Look. However, she was whack to give up that Jeffrey Wright d just cuz Dr. Ford's psycho ass revealed he be peepin' on her and knew of their affair. Lowkey, that was her karma for tryna play Bernard lol. With that whack, over the top ass performance. Girl, please! It still sucks you died but wait can we talk about Tessa Thompson girl I liked you in Creed but idk wtf you are giving me here, but put it back and keep it there. Though judging by the finale maybe you're dead? And that's just fine :')

Wait!! But how cum French Lady didn't bounce when she realized Brazy God was INSANE? Like!! THIS DUDE PLANNED THEIR MEETING AT THE EXACT TABLE SHE SAT AT WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL. UHHHHHHHHH?!!?! Literally he displayed, and let it be known himself from his own mouth hole??, that he knows everything, and controls everything. I was confused why anyone coming up against him felt like he wouldn't always be a million steps ahead? Like he invented that world??? He wrote the code that created a whole world and life. This dude is CRAZY! The fuck. My ass woulda quit and stayed alive, fuck that! I almost think it's problematic that Brazy God's adversaries were no match for him. Obviously his only matches at this point would be the robots he created, so we'll see I guess. But is he really dead? Lol I'm writing this totally forgetting he was "shot"? Girl, who knows. I feel like his ass is still alive. What if he replaced himself with all robot parts and can regenerate?? Stop, but...maybe?? 

Let's talk about Luke Hemsworth. Lol, no, but I am sad he lost his bae Elsie like I was bout to start shipping eventho she was prob a lesbian 4 robotz. But anyway let's talk about Dolores and William and all that mess. 

1. Ed Harris and this black cowboy thing he has going on is kind of hot, but also like, damn, chillllllll! You going hella hard in the paint like ISSA GAME!! Doing the most and just being extra-embarrassing lol. You don't even get tokens or a prize if you win, like please chill.

2. That William reveal was pretty good but miss me with Liam McPoyle looking anything like Ed Harris in any timeline

3. I care way less about Dolores finding herself than Maeve's revolt, yet I am getting so much...of it lol. Like I don't not care, but I don't do care, you know what I mean?? 

4. Why are Ben Barnes' eyeballs completely black?? 

5. Can I get some clear tea on Arnold? I feel like I still have no idea what his deal was. I mean, they explained it, but I am still like...who is Arnold in relation to...any of this?? Also why would he off himself over robots? Like, that's the geekiest shit I ever heard..

6. What's his face? Pretty boy. James Marsden! lol. Uh, do I care about him? Imma need him to get more cognizant or something. Also I like barely care about him and Dolores' lil whatever. Do more to make me care about them, thanx :)

Did this show win any Emmy's? I don't watch the Emmy's cuz it's the Emmy's, but maybe? Mmm I feel like I heard about a bunch of other things winning and not this lol. But give my bae Jeffrey some awards. I've been lowkey obsessed with him since Boardwalk Empire. He slays but I feel like no one cares because he looks like a potato vampire. But that is  a e s t h e t i c !! Humans confuse me. Do I care about any of the other acting? Not especially, though it's pretty good all around. Maybe Thandie. She's more of a Halle Berry type actor to me, where it's like you're mostly just pretty so imma ignore mad flaws, but she'll give you a scene or two. I'm def excited for more turning up from her. Also I hope we get more from that Asian dude. Like what if he advances?? Wait I'm totally forgetting Westworld as we know it is finna become some insane ass shit. Or, like, more insane than it already is. It's literally a whole contained world, and if Brazy God is still alive it's about to be lit. But even if he isn't I am sure the robots are gonna turn up and that he coded a whole bunch of mess to pop off and I AM READY WHEN IS SEASON TWO!! THANK YOU HURRY UP! 

Almost Christmas (2016)

Thank god for Mo'Nique. This is a Mo'Nique stan blog. I wish instead of doing podcasts dragging everyone in Hollywood with her beard or manager or husband or whatever, she was, instead, being cast in every movie and TV show. With the recent public draggings of mad terrible white Hollywood dudes, I am thinking we're getting a Hollywood 2.0 pretty soon. Especially with streaming taking over, and people doing their own thing on youtube, etc, things are changing, and for the better, imo. So I am hoping this whole system where it's like...if you ~burn your bridges~ (allow yourself to be humiliated and mistreated) you don't get work, is eradicated. I understand this is how the world works as a whole, but that's bullshit. But I am biased because I am a burn your bridges type. I just feel if you're talented/skilled whatever, you should get work in your chosen field, because you can do your job well. Stop pretending that being an ~appropriate social person~ matters more than it really does. As long as you not turning up when work time comes, you should be employable. How the hell do you get blacklisted because you don't kiss someone like Lee Daniels' sus ass all the live long day? Lee Daniels. Everything must be torn down. I need Mo'Nique in everything I watch. I need her in The Sopranos, and Boy Meets World, and Entourage and Titanic and Fast & Furious 1000 (no Tyrese again, you guys!): Wheelchairs on the Moon and etc etc, like let's go!! This is the world we need to live in. Mo'Nique in On the Waterfront and fuckin' uh The Grapes of Wrath and shit. That's what I and everybody needs. It will cure all ails.

Anyway, I know at some point I will regret stanning 4 Mo'Nique cuz she seem like a pick me type. Like the auntie who tells you to put clothes on cuz one of your rapey uncles is coming through. Shit the rapey uncle might even be her own dude. Maybe Mo'Nique is not like this, but probably she is. As long as she keep that shit on lock and key we gon' be good!! 

But anyway lol Mo'Nique was a breath of fresh air here and really lit this movie up. So funny. This, Almost Christmas, was primarily your sort of run of the mill holiday family movie, but with black people. I def want more holiday movies with black people. Let's make that a nice, meaty genre. I can only think of like two movies right now besides this one, and one of them has Chris Brown... So far the only movie I'd rewatch around Christmas-time is this one, so give me more, okay, so I have a lot of stuff to watch I really love the Christmas season but I need more holiday movies with the negroes, mkkay. Mmkay.

I don't like Danny Glover. lol, just...I just don't. But here he plays the patriarch of a family that has four kids, with some spouses and grandkids. Recently the matriarch has died, so it's all sad and shit. The four kids are played by...Romany Malco (barely cared about him), Kimberly Elise who is a doctor or something, Gabrielle Union who is a broke divorcée studying for a law degree, and some dude named Jesse T. Usher who plays the baby of the family, in college for basketball and addicted to pills something something a knee injury or whatever.

Romany's storyline is he is a politician and I am like gurl deleet his character - not needed. He's married to Nicole Ari Parker and has some kids so at least they bring a little something. It was funny @ dinner with the Jasmine reveal when their son was acting desperate for those pics lol and when JB Smoove asked Nicole to help him and she turned her head. Pure comedy gold that whole scene so at least they brought something but not Romany who used to be my bae on Weeds but idk now. 

Kimberly's storyline is her husband, played by JB Smoove for some reason, is a dog. He smashes Keri Hilson (she is so pretty) and blah blah. But yo, why was Kimberly's character so rude to Gabby's??? She was going in on her for being broke and divorced and not having her law degree yet. Um, rude?? lol was I missing something like why was she dragging her sister so much?? Like chill, bitch, that's why you married to JB Smoove and he smashing honeys @ the fuckin' supermarket like cum on. 

Gabby's storyline is she is broke af tryna get that law degree (her negative ass 300 something dollar balance had me ROLLING, but that shit was triggering lol) but she's one of those I don't need any help types. Let's agree to disagree lol. Also she has something going on with Omar Epps' character who she used to be friends with in high school and apparently he dissed her for prom?? Or she thought he did but didn't really? Iono, but this aint Love & Basketball days, so Omar's bloated ass needs to chill thinking he on Gabby's level. More and more people need to start finding whom they are equally yoked with so chaos can stop reigning, like I am TIRED! Do you hear me?!?!

Nah, lemme stop lol but the baby like I said is a doper and does b-ball. Also he's friends with some lil dude who keeps pushing up on Mo'Nique, and apparently she has vibrators older than him. That seems unhygienic and now I am concerned for her vagina. Upgrade, perhaps? You aint getting checks from Chaka and Stevie's blind ass?? lol cum on now.

All these storylines get a küte little wrap-up (I guess). Gab's was prob the best cuz she got $20k, but maybe it was the worst cuz she also gotta smash Omar. I guess that's the universe balancing shit out for ya. Tis what tis.

Anyway this movie was cute for what it was. I thought the comedy aspect was better than a lot of black sort of family centered dramedy type things I've seen. This coulda been extra-regular without the comedy. But I def really liked this and was cracking up multiple times. But let's talk about: 1. Kimberly Elise is a legit actress and please put her in significant properties lol no shade but it's getting ridiculous like I saw this bitch playing a fucking bus driver in Dope. More like Nope! Get her some good shit to do, please!! 

2. Gabrielle Union is someone whom I see as a limited actor, however she has a ~quality~ that makes me want to watch her. I want her in more movies. Thank you!!

3. Again, put Mo'Nique in everything I will not repeat myself.

4. Put Nicole & Keri's liteskinted asses in more shit, too - stop playing games!!! 

I don't care about any of the dudes lol. Maybe the kid who played Romany's son? Put him as a friend on Blackish or something. Also make more of these holiday movies. Make a Thanksgiving one, or a Kwanzaa one or some sit. Shh, I know, no one celebrates that shit, just pretend okay??? Like, all those white ensemble movies like Valentines Day and stuff? Do them with just an all black cast??? And then like one not-black. Like Keanu Reeves for no reason. Or like, all those shitty rom-coms that was coming out for a minute? Reblack them. How 2 Lose a Guy in 10 Days has a lot more ratchet potential then they allowed Goldie Hawn's daughter to portray onscreen. Do that movie with Gabby and it would be lit. Plus she seems really bitchy so I would buy it more. You know what I mean. Put me in charge of New Hollywood so I can blow everyone's asses apart with my amazing ideas, thank you.

-

Almost Christmas