Hot Girls Wanted (2015)

No idea why I watched this depressing mess. It's not like I didn't know exactly what would be "exposed" in a movie exploring the porn industry, nor how I'd feel. Only grimy depressing shit would be covered, and only unclean and depressed would I feel. 

I try to listen to sex workers and the like who try to put a positive spin on the sex industry. I don't like being condescending, even though that is literally all I am, besides entirely stupid, so I want to just listen. I don't know everything--I don't know anything. So if someone who works in the sex industry says "It's not all bad, not everyone feels degraded", I want to be able to hear that. Like, process it and...just lock that in. I don't feel it is required of me to agree, I just need all the information and all sides to every story, yeah? But even with the movement to "normalize" sex work, and have sex workers be more vocal...honestly I feel like this is working against anyone who wants to put a positive spin to things, because the more niggas are talking, the more I'm feeling like "yeah, this shit is gross and shouldn't be happening". 

Have I watched porn? Unfortch, yups. But I thought I was better because I "could tell" when the woman wasn't actually enjoying herself (almost always??) and because I tried to restrict myself to shit that "looked real", *eyeroll at my soul*. I don't watch it too much now, not because I am some better person, but just because the shit that's in my imagination is grosser than anything I've ever seen on like Redtube, so there's no need, but watching Hot Girls Wanted made me feel more solid about not watching anymore. I know my one non-watch isn't going to tear down the whole industry - there will always be a sex industry, but I'd rather not contribute, if I can. Do I want these hoes to get their coins? Yes, and they will. Just not mine. I'm sure they're torn up. (Torn up emotionally...not...vaginally. Though,)

Anyway, delete my life. Wait before that let's talk about this "documentary". First: this isn't like a great doc. It's pretty basic and shoddy. Gimme a Werner Herzog directed porno doc, pleez. Like, I want Grizzly Man but instead of bears it's double-sided dildos. That would be very lit. But anyway, though this documentary is basically an overlong True Life episode, it was still...Honestly it wasn't showing anything I haven't already seen. Almost pretty certain I have seen an actual episode of True Life exactly about this. You're not learning anything new by watching this, but you do at least get some personal stories of girls involved in porn. I never want to see this again. 

Okay so I forgot every single one of these chicks' names and I am a horrible person. Anyway this was one of the main girls whom they focused on. All the girls were living in a house with some dude (their pimp) and he got them contacts and work, I guess? He was so gross. This chick in the pic above was a fucking mess. One, she seemed to have longterm plans to remain in the industry. Here's the thing, though: they say after you've been doing porn for two months or so, they start making you do hardcore shit. So this industry is all about disposability. They expect and even seem to want you to get sick of the shit and quit after a handful of movies. They want fresh faces, I guess. Especially for the teen movies most of the girls in the house seemed to be doing. I don't know any "famous" teen porn stars. I barely know any famous porn stars, but of the ones I do, I think they are known for doing mad extra shit, right? I could be wrong, but I doubt any bitch is getting famous off chaste missionary. Even Kim Kardashian had to flip over. 

THAT CHICK IN THE PIC ABOVE also seemed to not come from a terrible home?? So I was confused. But that's me being cliché, I guess, expecting every porn chick to be in it because they come from a place of abuse. And honestly, this chick could have, but it wasn't mentioned. She seemed to want to do porn because it was her ~way out~ of her rural town. Jesus Christ on a cracker. What about college? No? Pharmaceutical sells?? Maybe acting (with clothes on!!)? Photography?? Her mom said she used to be really into photography? Why she aint pursue that? I can't tell if she wanted the "easy" way out, or if it was also about fame. But girl...who the fuck wants to be famous for fucking? Is that really a goal??? I am sew confused. 

But ol girl was ~saved~ by her Asher Rothy ass boyfriend. But waymin, in the movie didn't they say he was a "director?" Did he quit, too? Anyway, I don't see that lasting. Ex porn actor trying to play Suzie Homemaker? Yeah, we'll see. I NEED A HOT GIRLS WANTED 2, RASHIDA!! 

Glasses. She straight-up said she was doing this to get "famous". Unless she was joking?? No, she seemed DEAD ASS serious. Glasses confused me because she seemed to not even be into this porn shit but wasn't really talking about quitting? That whole scene with the older dude was mad gross and she seemed like she was dying inside and it's like.......... Though, I've had that exact same look and feeling working retail and I never quit...usually just waited to get fired. Is there any difference between selling your soul to Target and selling your body???? Idk, man.

The end of the movie update said Glasses eventually quit. What is she getting up to now? She really got on my nerves. I hate a bitch with nerd face who turns up lol. I need your look to match your general life aesthetic, okay?? 

This photographer was mad creepy and gross and I am disgusted and appalled that just about any random creep can enter into this industry. It for sure seems like it needs to be more regulated lol like have some fucking professionalism and decorum, please. Just because you photograph naked bitches don't mean you can make degrading, neckbeard ass comments whilst doing so. Fucking freak. 

This chick was tragic from womb to tomb, birth to earth.

This Latina chick was delusional. I def felt she was trying mad hard to convince herself what she was doing was ~~not a big deal~~ and that that racist ass gaggers porn she was doing wasn't killing her in her soul, but I wasn't buying it. Never mind that they made note that she had quit porn several times in the two years she's been doing it?? But okay, girl. 

Idk, this chick seemed really successful lol. Maybe she had it easier because she was blonde? But tell me why it said she and the tragic one were the only ones to not quit? Lol why that tragic one stick around? I cannot. I will not.

Amy (2015)

This doc felt mad intrusive. More so than any other doc? Maybe it's just because Amy hasn't been gone that long. But this shit felt hella...I don't know. She felt very alive while I was watching this. And then they had all that personal footage. I realized while watching that I did not actually know Amy's personality. Like I didn't really know she was funny, though that's not surprising, she's British and just has that look, never mind her sarcastic ass music. I also didn't know she sounded exactly like Minnie Driver? Who is sort of a ~funny type~ herself. She just seemed...idk, is "personable" the word? lol. When I think of "personable" I think of like a nice, charming person or something. Appropriately flirty. Amy definitely seemed charming, but nice?? Ummm. She had a bite, for sure. And appropriate to describe her ever? No. 

Just seeing her portrayed in this doc was a stark (almost) contrast from how I grew to know her in the media. Honestly my image of Amy Winehouse for forever was that ginourmous rats' nest on her head while she was out skittering about in the streets wearing bloodied, torn-up ballet flats looking like the centerfold of the month for Crackhead Magazine.

But anyway, seeing this doc was cool because I could stop thinking of Amy Winehouse as basically just a crackhead who could sing nice. And like, I'm a fan of her music, so............you'd think I wouldn't have classified her in my head in such simple terms but idk I'm a piece of shit, I guess. Every crackhead has a story. Amy's was sad and this doc made me uncomfortable???

And like, her story is no sadder than any other crackhead's? Or, like, I've heard worse, but there's this feeling she was so wasted. And...wow, didn't really have any help? It's difficult to pinpoint who honestly cared about her. Her friends from home...seemed like they loved her, but how much are friends honestly expected to do??? Her dad, no offense, seems like fucking trash. But Amy seemed to really cherish him, so idk. I mean, someone loving their dad doesn't mean they're a good person, so... And like he's always given me...icky feelings. Like he's always in the media speaking on her, and then in the doc it turns out he left the family, didn't seem to be around a lot, annnnd then when Amy became famous he's like pestering her about autographs and clearly relishing in being famous by association, which....yuck.

What about Amy's mom? She seemed like a certain type of absent, sort of head in the clouds type of mom. It was clear she was overwhelmed raising Amy and her siblings, and then I guess felt sort of broken from the separation and basically doing all the parenting herself? I don't want to come for mom because it seemed she had a lot on her plate...but just letting Amy do whatever and never reeling her in? Mmmm iono... Moms who are scared of their children...confuse me. Like, you gave birth to this demon. I mean, I guess I get it, but at the same time, not? At least not losing your power so early on in the game. When you're old, yeah, but still young, iono. I think they did mention the mom was ill, so...maybe it was that???

Who certainly did not give a shit about Amy and was absolutely no help was that Blake Fielder-Civil. Who was represented in the doc exactly as I've come to understand him in the media, though he looked slightly uglier here? What.........did Amy see in this nigga? Like his personality is dead on arrival and he has a receding hairline? Also he wears like fedoras? Um, okay???? 

There's just nothing redeeming about him. However, I know I have to reel myself back when it comes to watching documentaries. I always fall for whatever story they're trying to sell me. I am so gullible and easy to deceive. So maybe this doc had motivation to portray certain characters in a bad way, but at the same time, they still had the material with which to do that, you know? So even if Blake is not as bad as I think, he's close enough. 

And it's so obvious he came back into Amy's life when she blew up, and I'm heated! Like go away!! I'm confused why it felt like she needed him. I think in the doc it said she felt they were two damaged halves of a whole or some bullshit. Ugh. That is so...depressing. I'm not even going to come for someone's self-esteem or life decisions because 1. I'm a mess myself, and 2. This woman is deceased, so.......it doesn't matter now. But I just wish...she had been more fortified. But then, if she were...would she have been inclined to create? To sing those achey/scathing, deep from the heart ass jazz songs? Idk. But I am not team glamorize broken spirits so they can pump out art. I am team let's everyone get a good meal and a nice sleep so we can wake up the next day and put our best effort into whatever it is we do. And art does not inherently need to be fueled by suffering. If you're well enough, you can just imagine the suffering, and that's good enough!! 

I don't know, sigh. Seeing that footage of her body being pulled out on that stretcher...ugh I'm so sad. And like in the most awful way because I'm like, WE COULD'VE HAD SO MUCH MORE MUSIC!! I am so empty and ugly, sigh lol. But doesn't everyone think that?? Sigh. It still would've been nice for her to live and just be okay, even if she never produced a single piece of music ever again. She was so young it's completely ridiculous and this movie is depressing, but it has its good moments. Like getting to see Amy perform all those songs was so...refreshing to my soul. Where is today's Amy? Shit now I'm depressed again. Imma post these s/cs I took while watching (I am garbàge) to cheer myself up.

lol this was so funny. I completely forgot what the interviewer was asking but it was some shallow ass question and...Amy's faces, please. Why take a treasure like this when Taylor Swift is still alive? God is a bitch.

I'm a piece of shit...

Blackfish

Here's the thing: KILLER. WHALES.

Like, you should have stopped right there. The minute you opened up the science book with that humpback whale doing a backflip on the cover in like second grade and there's that section about sea life with the one-off sentence about WHALES THAT KILL, little eight year old you should have been like: "Nope, not doing it." 

I guess? Whales are not known to attack humans? So? That's why? Sea World and whale trainers and the ilk exist??

Hmm. Wanna know why whales are "not known" to attack humans? Because humans are fucking land creatures and WHALES LIVE IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN. I wonder what happens when people who aren't in their proper spot on Earth go nosing about to other areas? Does anyone have a wild guess?

Sigh. Yes, Alison. Do you have a guess?

"DEATH AND MURDER-MURDER," you said? If I may ask, Alison: What does murder-murder mean?

It means extra murder because you are killed one time when the whale eats you and then again when it shits you out into the unknown, treacherous depths of the sea? Wow. 

This is like the only time I'm happy you've participated in class, Alison. You're still ugly, though, and I hate you. :) 

Friend? No.

I will never believe humans and animals can be friends. Cool, Mr. Kitty Paw is your favorite snuggle partner? That's great. But he's not your fucking friend. He can't communicate on a human level; the relationship is imbalanced. This is why you can't fuck animals, among other reasons, but my main reasons for not fucking animals is because they can't give their consent by SPEAKING AND STUFF. That's my main gripe. Also I like my animal sex partners to tell me how sexy and good at oral blow jobs I am. LITERALLY NONE OF THEM CAN. Except maybe parrots. But I'd have to tell the parrot to say it first. I would know it wasn't coming from the heart. 

Outcast? Yeah...

But let's not glorify it. He's not about to shoot up his high school. Tilikum is the main whale, right? I love how I got all my facty facts together before writing this. Let's just go with Tilikum being the star. He's the only male whale, right? At least initially. He's in a little ass tank with like two or three other female whales. Apparently, females rule the roost (SORRY) in whale world. 

Hey, real quick, does Sea World or any of these other Sea World-type places know ANYTHING about the animals they harbor? I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK?! A quick goddamn google search would give you all the important facts one who is looking to house some whales would need to know. Like, did they just send their fisherman out to pick up any old thing they found in the sea because they were already called Sea World...so...let's just hurry up and get some shit from the sea so we can hurry up and open so we can collect all dem special edition white people cash money coin dollars$$$$$

Probably the conversation that happened:

SEAWORLD: Hey, we're lookin to open up here a goddamn water zoo. Lookin' to fix 'er up with some water animals. Go out and get us dem dere water animals!

Homeless Guy: Can you spare some change?

SEAWORLD: I'll give you a McDonalds bag full of McGriddles and two hashbrowns (because you get two for a dollar) if you go out and [remembers inexplicable fake undercover accent] get me dem dere water animals fer mah water zoo!

Homeless Guy: I'll do anything for a McGriddle, so yes.

So, the homeless guy gathers up a few of his homeless buddies, promises them his extra McGriddles (though he plans to flee before payment time) and they go out to where a sewage pipe is dumping toilet waste and they scoop some starfish or some shit into a plastic bag that used to have a dead fetus in it and Sea World tis borned. 

Watching the doc, it seemed Sea World and anyone who worked for them knew very little real facts about whales. Actually, Sea World probably did know actual facts about whales but chose to ignore them because MONEY. It's always money. But...I don't understand the mentality of cutting corners, nor do I really understand the MONEY aspect of it. I guess...it'd cost a ton of dough to take care of whales in a proper or, at least, better way? I'm sure it would be more expensive to hire trainers who have like marine biology degrees and shit. You can't pay minimum wage to non-dummies who have a masters in not being a gullible idiot. And, marine biology, like I said.  

This brings me to not feeling bad for any of the talking heads; most of them ex-trainers and people who assisted in capturing the whales used in the shows. REDFLAG #1: You're being paid ten dollars an hour to fuck around in the water with an animal that's name starts with the word KILLER. Hello, is anyone home? That's me knocking on your surely empty skull. 

Look, I am not smart. Which is why I feel comfortable sitting here judging these people. If I'm saying something you've done is FUCKING STUPID then you deserve to feel bad. Ugh, no, I don't want to go too hard on any of them. I can see a lot of the people signing up to be a trainer thinking: "This seems like it could be really fun". And maybe it was? Though a lot of them complained of how strenuous it was. I don't know, but once they started noticing all the horrible stuff going on...why did they stay? Why did anyone stay after they witnessed that one guy being pulled under multiple times?? 

BY THE WAY, that was maybe the most harrowing thing I think I've ever seen in any doc. This wasn't the most harrowing doc I've ever watched overall, but that scene had me like:

Don't ever do that to me again. 

Killer? (Remember how I was taking the BUZZWORDS off the front of the Blackfish poster and putting a question mark after them? The last one was Outcast? Yeah, we're back to that. And it's the last one so three cheers for this mess of a ~review~ almost being over. Secretly you want it to never end, though HAHA) 

So, anyway, KILLER?

Yep a roo diddly doo dog! 

These whales kill mammals. Humans are mammals. Should I put it into a mathematical equation for you to understand? No, I don't feel like it - fuck off. 

But seriously. What is it with people being afraid only of sharks and no other small-medium to extra large sea mammal? I'm sorry, but people should be worried about dolphins, too. Just because something is cute doesn't mean it won't gang rape you. Isn't that like the first thing they list in the rape prevention pamplet you get with your rape kit? Am I wrong about how rape kits work?? 

No, this review is over.

What have I done

Bulgaria's Abandoned Children

There are two main things about documentaries that I really like.

1. They allow me to be all up in people's business. I love being all up in people's business. I love to watch other people going through shit or talking about having gone through shit. I love watching stuff like Catfish: The TV Show because I like to laugh when the catfisher comes out of their house and they look like something that crawled out of Chernobyl. It's great. Real life drama is great. 

2. The horror aspect. I love horror films, but most of them are terrible. It's really hard to find something legitimately terrifying. Not so with documentaries.

And that brings us to Bulgaria's Abandoned Children. 

I watch most documentaries (or, ones I am interested in, anyway) with the anticipation that whatever I witness will be completely horrifying. Almost always, it is. But, also, I forget about the whole ~this is real life~ shit. So, the scary stuff that's happening? That's real. Then, the horror turns into something else. It's not about cheap or moderately pricey thrills like with a horror film. I can't be like, "Well, a demon is unlikely to ever possess me so let me stop being afraid of the dark like a little idiot" afterward. Documentaries are real and this horrible shit happened in real life to real people and is probably happening to other real life people right now. 

I watched this film because I read about it on some message board about saddest documentary films. The one that always tops those type of lists is Dear Zachary. Yeah, totally. That doc is sad/disturbing. But, maybe, this one moreso. In Dear Zachary you don't actually see the horrible stuff, it's just recounted. Here, filmmakers are filming inside this actual terrifying...I don't know what you call this place. It looks like the inside of one of those insane asylums from the fifties/sixties. You know the ones. Fucking mentals all naked and huddled on the floors looking like the goddamn cave people from The Descent. That's what it looks like in Bulgaria's Abandoned Children, except the cave people are...kids. 

I forget the woman's name who's in front of the camera narrating and talking to the staff/kids. I'll call her English Lady. She's pretty and blonde and immediately in my head I'm like: White Person to the rescue. She isn't annoying though, so I'm able to chill out on that front. There are no histrionics. No fake ass OMG WE MUST SAVE THEM. She expresses her disturbances at the state of this facility right along with you as you're watching. Just a never-ending stream of "Jesus fucking Christ", but in a proper English Lady way. 

Most of the kids look like this^. I think that's Stoyin in the middle. He's blind and that's why he was thrown away. I forget his age but however old you think he is add like twelve years probably. Seriously there's an Indian-looking girl who has a broken leg and has to wear diapers and I swear she looks two years old, but apparently she's fourfuckingteen. It's insane.

All the kids here were given away by their families due to them being born with some sort of disability: blindness, deafness, retardation, etc. They develop more issues at the facility due to lack of proper nutrition and stimulation. Pretty much all the kids rock themselves back and forth, as a self-soothing method. 

And that brings me to Didi. 

I forget how old Didi is. I think sixteen, maybe? She's not like the other kids. First of all, it appears her only "issue" is that she is autistic. What I found super-disturbing about Didi's situation is that her mother chose to throw her away now*. If you're going to throw a kid away - (which, don't) - but if you're going to throw a kid away, do it when they're really young. When they understand less and will have less of a chance of remembering. Do it before your child has come to know you as their mom. Don't wait until they've spent sixteen fucking years with you to up and decide one day: "You know, eh...I'm not really feeling this. It's not me, it's you. Byyyyeeeee!" What a bitch.

There's a later scene where one of the workers reveals that Didi beat some kid with a shovel. This made me think she had violent tendencies that possibly manifested before she got to the orphanage, and that...maybe her mother no longer knew how to handle her. This obviously isn't an excuse, but I was really aching for a solid reason why a mother would do this to her child. 

As soon as Didi is introduced, right away she's talking your ear off. She's lively and charming and it's a little bit like the sun has come out after all that harrowing shit in the beginning of the doc seeing all these kids who can't properly communicate. I felt really guilty for caring about Didi the most because of that whole "can properly communicate" thing. Like, obviously I made a connection to Didi - I can see there's like, a soul behind those eyes. When she speaks I can hear her pain. The other kids are like ghosts. It's like going to the zoo. You see the animals and you assume they probably dislike being behind those bars but you (or me, at least) find yourself being unintentionally passive/indifferent about their imprisonment. Like, sux for those apes. 

But what if animals could talk human-speak? Like, you go to the zoo and there's a lion in it's pit screaming GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED! Then, I'd be like OMG WE GOTTA GET THAT LION OUT OF THERE! I guess I am just trying to deal with my inability to care as much about people/animals who I can't communicate with then those of which I can. Like, obviously I felt bad for all these kids but I didn't start getting teary eyed until Didi showed up. 

Like, in this^ scene, Didi is talking about how her mom is coming to get her. Milan (more on him in a sec) motions that No, she isn't. The English Lady tells us Milan heard from the staff that Didi's mother didn't want to see her. Didi is hurt that Milan is motioning no to her. This is the only thing Didi is holding onto: hope that her mother will bring her back home. It totally killed me. 

Speaking of totally killed me: Milan.

Milan can't speak. Hmm, maybe my issue empathizing has nothing to do with whether or not a person/thing can speak? Like, I totally identified with the apes in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and that tiger in Life of Pi (I'm being serious). Maybe...it's just...those kids really seemed like ghosts to me?? Like, they were already dead. And I'm just sitting there watching them shaking my head going "so sad". NO, BUT I TOTALLY FELT FOR STOYIN. Or, was that an editing trick? Also there was a girl (it might have been a boy) the camera kept focusing on who kept sitting by themselves who I felt for. I wonder if this was just camera manipulation or if I totally ~connected~? 

Anyway, Milan. He's instantly cute. He's allowed to help the staff with chores. For some reason, this made me think this meant he had it better. They obviously use him because he's one of the few able-bodied kids there. I should have been redflagging all over the place when I saw him helping that dude pull in laundry. When it's revealed later Milan and another boy are being abused I shouldn't have been surprised. OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE BEING ABUSED. It would be weird if they weren't being abused. Ugh. Milan just seemed like a good kid. Why would you ever have any reason to beat him? What is this place and who are these people? Why is any of this happening anywhere ever?

I GET THAT THERE IS NO MONEY AND THESE PLACES ARE HARD TO FUND...I GUESS. But when the director of the orphanage is talking about spending money on umbrellas to put by the pool I just have to...I don't know...throw up???

I can't even talk about that director. Was she serious? This thing was veering into mockumentary territory once she showed up. This isn't a real human being, right? You can't be this horrible and dumb. Why would she go on camera and say any of that? She had the smarts to avoid being interviewed for quite some time before finally agreeing to have a sit down with English Lady. What possesed her to finally do it? What gave her a change of heart? Maybe she thought going on camera and saying she needed a computer would get her one? Maybe she got that computer, but she also got her orphanage shut down thank god.

I haven't seen the sequel to this for the exact same reason I couldn't finish the sequel to A Child Called It: I need to be in therapy and on horse tranquilizers. I have PROBLEMS. But I am glad to hear that a lot of the kids from the orphanage are doing much better now. I just don't need to see it.

No, I know, I know. I should kill myself. Maybe later.

Byeeee

*now, as in, this doc came out in 2007. So...not really now now.