Like, you should have stopped right there. The minute you opened up the science book with that humpback whale doing a backflip on the cover in like second grade and there's that section about sea life with the one-off sentence about WHALES THAT KILL, little eight year old you should have been like: "Nope, not doing it."
I guess? Whales are not known to attack humans? So? That's why? Sea World and whale trainers and the ilk exist??
Hmm. Wanna know why whales are "not known" to attack humans? Because humans are fucking land creatures and WHALES LIVE IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN. I wonder what happens when people who aren't in their proper spot on Earth go nosing about to other areas? Does anyone have a wild guess?
Sigh. Yes, Alison. Do you have a guess?
"DEATH AND MURDER-MURDER," you said? If I may ask, Alison: What does murder-murder mean?
It means extra murder because you are killed one time when the whale eats you and then again when it shits you out into the unknown, treacherous depths of the sea? Wow.
This is like the only time I'm happy you've participated in class, Alison. You're still ugly, though, and I hate you. :)
Friend? No.
I will never believe humans and animals can be friends. Cool, Mr. Kitty Paw is your favorite snuggle partner? That's great. But he's not your fucking friend. He can't communicate on a human level; the relationship is imbalanced. This is why you can't fuck animals, among other reasons, but my main reasons for not fucking animals is because they can't give their consent by SPEAKING AND STUFF. That's my main gripe. Also I like my animal sex partners to tell me how sexy and good at oral blow jobs I am. LITERALLY NONE OF THEM CAN. Except maybe parrots. But I'd have to tell the parrot to say it first. I would know it wasn't coming from the heart.
Outcast? Yeah...
But let's not glorify it. He's not about to shoot up his high school. Tilikum is the main whale, right? I love how I got all my facty facts together before writing this. Let's just go with Tilikum being the star. He's the only male whale, right? At least initially. He's in a little ass tank with like two or three other female whales. Apparently, females rule the roost (SORRY) in whale world.
Hey, real quick, does Sea World or any of these other Sea World-type places know ANYTHING about the animals they harbor? I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK?! A quick goddamn google search would give you all the important facts one who is looking to house some whales would need to know. Like, did they just send their fisherman out to pick up any old thing they found in the sea because they were already called Sea World...so...let's just hurry up and get some shit from the sea so we can hurry up and open so we can collect all dem special edition white people cash money coin dollars$$$$$
Probably the conversation that happened:
SEAWORLD: Hey, we're lookin to open up here a goddamn water zoo. Lookin' to fix 'er up with some water animals. Go out and get us dem dere water animals!
Homeless Guy: Can you spare some change?
SEAWORLD: I'll give you a McDonalds bag full of McGriddles and two hashbrowns (because you get two for a dollar) if you go out and [remembers inexplicable fake undercover accent] get me dem dere water animals fer mah water zoo!
Homeless Guy: I'll do anything for a McGriddle, so yes.
So, the homeless guy gathers up a few of his homeless buddies, promises them his extra McGriddles (though he plans to flee before payment time) and they go out to where a sewage pipe is dumping toilet waste and they scoop some starfish or some shit into a plastic bag that used to have a dead fetus in it and Sea World tis borned.
Watching the doc, it seemed Sea World and anyone who worked for them knew very little real facts about whales. Actually, Sea World probably did know actual facts about whales but chose to ignore them because MONEY. It's always money. But...I don't understand the mentality of cutting corners, nor do I really understand the MONEY aspect of it. I guess...it'd cost a ton of dough to take care of whales in a proper or, at least, better way? I'm sure it would be more expensive to hire trainers who have like marine biology degrees and shit. You can't pay minimum wage to non-dummies who have a masters in not being a gullible idiot. And, marine biology, like I said.
This brings me to not feeling bad for any of the talking heads; most of them ex-trainers and people who assisted in capturing the whales used in the shows. REDFLAG #1: You're being paid ten dollars an hour to fuck around in the water with an animal that's name starts with the word KILLER. Hello, is anyone home? That's me knocking on your surely empty skull.
Look, I am not smart. Which is why I feel comfortable sitting here judging these people. If I'm saying something you've done is FUCKING STUPID then you deserve to feel bad. Ugh, no, I don't want to go too hard on any of them. I can see a lot of the people signing up to be a trainer thinking: "This seems like it could be really fun". And maybe it was? Though a lot of them complained of how strenuous it was. I don't know, but once they started noticing all the horrible stuff going on...why did they stay? Why did anyone stay after they witnessed that one guy being pulled under multiple times??
BY THE WAY, that was maybe the most harrowing thing I think I've ever seen in any doc. This wasn't the most harrowing doc I've ever watched overall, but that scene had me like:
Don't ever do that to me again.
Killer? (Remember how I was taking the BUZZWORDS off the front of the Blackfish poster and putting a question mark after them? The last one was Outcast? Yeah, we're back to that. And it's the last one so three cheers for this mess of a ~review~ almost being over. Secretly you want it to never end, though HAHA)
So, anyway, KILLER?
Yep a roo diddly doo dog!
These whales kill mammals. Humans are mammals. Should I put it into a mathematical equation for you to understand? No, I don't feel like it - fuck off.
But seriously. What is it with people being afraid only of sharks and no other small-medium to extra large sea mammal? I'm sorry, but people should be worried about dolphins, too. Just because something is cute doesn't mean it won't gang rape you. Isn't that like the first thing they list in the rape prevention pamplet you get with your rape kit? Am I wrong about how rape kits work??
No, this review is over.
What have I done
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