The Master's Sun: jnffk,rokrmeke, jcnricmkr,c Part 2

5. Joo Joong-won's hands/TOUCHING

If I were doing a proper list of all the things I loved about the show...maybbbbbbbeeee this would be number one winner yes yes achievement??

I think I both hated and loved the hands.

They were always in use. He was always flipping them about and around. It was very queen-y. In the beginning of the show he mainly used his hands to do that obnoxious "get lost" thing. I realllllllly wanted to throw up but at the same time I somehow also found this cute? No, it was rude. Like, yes, Gong-sil is a bit of a lunatic but stop acting like you don't totally like her a whole lot and telling her to fuck off. Stop doing that! I'm just really glad So Ji-sub has really lovely hands. (Ugh). I'M SO GLAD THE FINGERNAILS ARE PROPERLY CUT. I hate seeing even a sliver of the white bit of nail. His hands were manicured to perfection. Wow, I feel so gross right now. So gross and so good. 

Look at them here opening a fridge. I'm like 77% sure these are Joo Joong-won's hands. They might be Kang-woo's but maybe not?? Let's pretend they DEFINITELY ARE Joo Joong-won's hands for the purpose of this stupid post.

Look at them here waving at Gong-sil. Ugh I think he's telling her to fuck off here. Whhhhyyyy

Here he is pointing with one of his lovely hands while wearing some sort of pirate ensemble. 

Now I'll segue into the topic of ~touching~ and intimacy. So, Joo Joong-won doesn't like people touching him (uh, who does???), enter some crazy bitch who does pretty much nothing but touching. I wonder if he'll eventually be forced to open his heart up due to all this aggressive sexual harassment from some psycho who can see dead people?? DO YOU ALSO WONDER TOO?! 

ARE YOU STILL WONDERING?!

WHAT ABOUT NOW?! 

Why do I do anything that I do? Sigh. 

My favorite thing is how you thought I was going to go into some whole thing connecting my love for Joo Joong-won's hands with the intimacy issues theme and I didn't at all. I just posted random pics with his hands in them. No, but if I killed myself who would you have left to disappoint you? Oh, your children? Why do you have children? Haven't you heard of this neat thing called fire? It gets rid of *me whispering* ANYTHING. (I think. Some things are un-burnable, right? Like black boxes? I have no idea what black boxes are, but I doubt your kid is one. If they are - what the fuck?) 

Speaking of what the fuck (uggggggggggggggh)

6. Joo Joong-won's "glasses" 

Wanna know why you can't read, dumbass? MAYBE UM I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOUR GLASSES DON'T HAVE LENSES IN THEM???!?

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy?

Why would you do this, show? Why couldn't you just have left the lenses in? Like, okay. Wearing fake frames for style. FINE. Corny as hell, but FINE. 

THE THING ABOUT JOO JOONG WON WEARING FAKE FRAMES is that he only wears them when he's trying to read! It's made clear they're not being used as a style prop. We're being made to believe he wears fucking glasses to read! UH YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT THE LENSES! Fake glasses with lenses cost like ten bucks. Come on, prop department. Or director, at least don't do close-ups so I can tell there aren't any lenses inside the frames??? I don't understand why any of this is what it is. I'm so sad and tired. Maybe it's all the lenses in my glasses frames. They cause cancer - I knew it! 

7. Yi-ryung: The Mall Model

Let's talk about more dumb shit. 

Now, maybe this is a thing in Korea. It might even be a thing in America and I've just never heard of it, but...the closest mall to where I live is decidely unremarkable. Most malls are. Some malls are ~famous~ like The Mall of America. I guess, maybe, that type of mall would do big advertisements and hire a model on contract to star in their advertisements??? I'm really just trying to...make sense out of this whole "mall model" thing. Like, Yi-ryung is acting like she is modeling for a fashion house. Except, no, she's not - IT'S A FUCKING MALL. It doesn't even seem like that extreme of a mall, either. It seems...normal? Like, a normal mall? Whhhyyy would someone as seemingly ~famous~ as Yi-ryung sign on to be the FACE of a goddamn mall? Even a ~prestigious~ one? IT'S A MALL! 

I was just so thoroughly confused by all of this. Like, she's been asked to go to America to audition for some "Peter Jason" film while at the same time doing cheesy JCPenney-esque advertisments for a fucking shopping center? In what world? Oh, in this world. Where ghosts are like a prominent feature and Dooly has a girlfriend. Never mind. Also, Peter Jason. Never miiiiiiiiiiiiind. 

And P.S.

this^. So scary, stop it. 

Better.

8. Creepy Chinese Lady

Speaking of "So scary, stop it." 

                                                                                        What is this^?

I loved how this live person was scarier than any of the ghosts. Also, was this character meant to be a Chinese dig? Like was it the Koreans saying "Chinesers are creepy"? If they were trying to do a diss, they did it wrong, because this bitch was the best. Equal parts horrible and fabulous; she made me want to cry and also work for her so I could cry more. 

What is her entire face? Does the actress really look like that? If so, yessssssssss or OH MY GOD?! 

The Loneliest Planet

So. 

I knew something was supposed to ~happen~. I'm pretty sure it's in the description for the movie. As a matter of fact, let me go check the imdb page right now to see.

Yep.

"An engaged couple's backpacking trip in the Caucasus Mountains is derailed by a single misstep that threatens to undo everything the pair believed about each other and about themselves." 

I didn't read the "single misstep" bit before watching the film. I just knew there was a thing that was going to happen that would CHANGE EVERYTHING. I thought it was going to be some horrible incident. Like, the woman would be raped or someone would fall down a mountain or some shit. 

Also, there were a lot of shots like this

where they'd all stop and look around sort of fearfully. I kept expecting THAT HORRIBLE THING to happen. 

There's this scene

where Dato ties a string around Nica's wrist and she starts to panic a little. I was totally suspicious of Dato for the entire first half of the movie. He just seemed shady. Was that done intentionally? Or am I just kinda racist? Like, it seems he might be overcharging the couple to aid them on their little adventure. Right away I'm like OH GOD. Later, he makes a joke about some flowers being poisonous after he tells Nica and Alex to eat them, which they do. I REALLY THOUGHT THE FLOWERS WERE POISONOUS OR THAT THEY'D CAUSE THE TWO TO PASS OUT OR SOMETHING SO DATO COULD SELL NICA INTO SEX TRAFFICKING. Also, that bit made me really start to believe Nica and Alex were a bit daft. Why did they not question what would happen if they ate the flowers? Dato just goes "eat this" and they do??? I get they trusted him, but why? How naive. Idk, why are they like this?? Am I wrong for being suspicious? Like, ultimately, Dato turned out to be an alright, pretty cool dude. But how did Nica and Alex know that? Idk they just seemed quite dumb. Or maybe the word for it is...adventurous? Ugh, whatever. I GUESS. 

Anyway, all that was to say that I suspected THE BIG THING to be something...cliche, I guess. A rape or a robbery or someone being severely injured. Something along those lines. I was not expecting

this^. 

It's a really great moment. I laughed out loud. It happens in like a split second and it's soooo good. It totally makes up for the first, like, fifty minutes of The Meandering Adventures of Nica, Alex and Dato. It makes up for Nica conjugating Spanish verbs or whatever the fuck she was doing. Like, thanks for the lesson, but this is a bit...boring? 

I did quite like watching her wash her hair, though.

Hani Furstenberg is insanely pretty and looks almost exactly like Liv Ullmann?? So, her face distracted me from my mild to crippling boredom for the first half. 

But back to THE THING.

Because after THE THING, I became more engrossed in the film. 

Some dudes come through while Nica, Alex and Dato are resting. They look really backwoods. I am immediately like OKAY HERE WE GO. 

There are three of them. They start conversing with Dato in another language and the conversation appears really intense and aggressive. The whole time one of the dudes keeps pointing at Nica and Alex. Naturally, Alex steps up and is like "What's going on?" or something like that. Did I mention one of these dudes has a gun? Cuz one of them does. That one immediately steps up to jut his rifle in Alex' s face. Alex's response is to grab Nica and use her as his fucking shield. 

IT'S SOOOOOO GOOD. 

He realizes what he's done and slowly moves Nica behind him. I'm laughing like YOU CAN'T EVER TAKE THAT BACK. 

Here I will say that I am long time fan of Gael García Bernal. I'll watch anything he's in, unfortunately. He's good. He played this moment really well. I just love his face all throughout this moment. I also really loved the way he played the last half of the movie, but I'll get to that in a minute. 

Anyway, the dude with the rifle is like NAH, SON, IT'S GOOD, and lowers his weapon. He offers a pair of sunglasses to Alex to give to Nica.  

Alex hesitates to take them but eventually does. He then takes off some cheap ass bracelet he's wearing and offers it to the man, who declines it.

I almost felt like the man was embarrassed for Alex and that was his sole reason for dropping his rifle. Or maybe once he saw this public display of pussiness he quickly realized Alex wasn't a threat and therefore no longer needed to have his rifle all up in his face. Either way, LOL. 

So after this scene, a huge chunk of the rest of the movie is like 

this^. Sort of this zombie-esque walking from Nica with Alex following off to the side or behind in silence. 

Watching these idiots walk about in the first half of the movie was quite boring to me. The movie is really pretty and the couple is super cute and stuff, but it was just a lot of nothingess. To me, anyway. 

But after Alex uses Nica as a human shield, watching them walk becomes like the most entertaining thing in the world. EVERYTHING IS SO LOADED. I'm going crazy like WHAT ARE THEY THINKING, WHAT'S GOING THROUGH NICA'S MIND RIGHT NOW??, IT'S NOT LIKE EITHER OF THEM CAN ESCAPE ANYWHERE, IT'S NOT LIKE ONE OF THEM CAN JUST HOP ON A BUS OR SOMETHING AND PEACE OUT, THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! THEY ARE TOTALLY BREAKING UP WHEN THEY GET BACK HOME.

There's quite a bit of silent walking with a lot of body language to play off. Nica seems to be trying to...process, while Alex just seems sort of sad and disappointed with himself. I felt really awkward watching them. At one point Nica stops to shake a rock from her boot. She has to take off her backpack to do so. Alex walks over to help her put her backpack on once she's done shaking the rock out. He holds the bag out for her to slip her arms into; she does this uncomfortable little dance where she avoids slipping into the straps. Instead, she just takes the bag from him and puts it on herself. 

This had me thinking the rest of the movie would be like this with them and there would erupt a huge explosion from one or both of them. But then a short scene later Nica offers Alex some sort of dried fruit. He declines and it's awkward. I felt sort of bad for Nica. Like, she was extending herself to say "Okay, I'm getting over it a little bit." But he pushes her away?? I mean, I get that he was probably too preoccupied with hating himself to eat, but still. 

Alex seems to continue on this self-punishing streak. The three of them are taking a break during a rainstorm under a poncho when Alex excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Nica tells him to take a poncho BECAUSE IT IS POURING RAINING. He doesn't. She appears worried for him, so goes out to find whatever tree he's peeing on. 

I really loved that scene (and I'm so mad I couldn't lazily find a screencap of it on goggle images) because Nica comes out wearing her poncho and sees Alex emerging from the trees and he looks so sad and is drenched and she tries to put some of her poncho over his little sad, wet head. Omg, I almost cried. It was touching...or something? I liked seeing her open back up after her near total shut down after that whole Alex using her as a human shield thing.

I started feeling like...maybe they'll be okay? But then a bit later Nica falls into a stream. 

The three of them are crossing a stream. Dato goes across first, leaving Nica and Alex on the other side. Alex motions for Nica to go before him. Nica is like No, it's alright, you go. And here I am like, OH GOD. It's totally her saying, "You are not my protector". So, Alex goes across. Then, Nica, who immediately falls in. It's Dato who's watching when she does. He immeditely jumps up to go in to save her. Nica clings to his neck for dear life. When Alex goes over to take her from Dato's arms she nearly jumps away from him. IT WAS SO PAINFUL TO WATCH. Also, I totally thought Nica did this on purpose. Like, she fell into the water on purpose. It just seemed too perfect of a compliment to her telling Alex to cross first. 

Anyway, I think after this there's a pretty long scene at the campfire where Nica and Dato are talking and singing and Alex is just off to the side in total silence. Eventually he goes to bed, and leaves Nica and Dato to themselves. They get drunk and Dato gets into some personal shit. Then, they make-out for a bit before Nica pushes Dato away. Here, I am not quite sure what was going on. The theme is loneliness probably. Dato tells this story about his wife and kid and stuff and it's super depressing, and it reveals that he's quite alone. And...I think, Alex using Nica as a human shield revealed to her that she was quite alone, too. Like, maybe before all that she thought she had this crazy soulmate partner in him, but in one super small moment he proved her totally wrong. So, she's a bit lost. Or, all of them are? THE LONELIEST PLANET.

Really, I am just trying to work out ~what this all means~. I am quite dumb, so something obvious to most everyone else needs to be worked out by me rambling on for ages and ages until I make some vague sort of sense to myself. Then, I can sleep at night. Just kidding, because of the demons. 

I'm going to awkwardly end this ~review~ with a pic of Alex reaching out to touch Nica's neck

I was all like "lol, Is he going to strangle her?" 

Because I'm the worst and can't watch movies in a proper way. Like, in a normal human being sort of way. Oh well. If he would have strangled her he could have pretended none of this ever happened. What a dummy. 

#NVR4GT

Blackfish

Here's the thing: KILLER. WHALES.

Like, you should have stopped right there. The minute you opened up the science book with that humpback whale doing a backflip on the cover in like second grade and there's that section about sea life with the one-off sentence about WHALES THAT KILL, little eight year old you should have been like: "Nope, not doing it." 

I guess? Whales are not known to attack humans? So? That's why? Sea World and whale trainers and the ilk exist??

Hmm. Wanna know why whales are "not known" to attack humans? Because humans are fucking land creatures and WHALES LIVE IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN. I wonder what happens when people who aren't in their proper spot on Earth go nosing about to other areas? Does anyone have a wild guess?

Sigh. Yes, Alison. Do you have a guess?

"DEATH AND MURDER-MURDER," you said? If I may ask, Alison: What does murder-murder mean?

It means extra murder because you are killed one time when the whale eats you and then again when it shits you out into the unknown, treacherous depths of the sea? Wow. 

This is like the only time I'm happy you've participated in class, Alison. You're still ugly, though, and I hate you. :) 

Friend? No.

I will never believe humans and animals can be friends. Cool, Mr. Kitty Paw is your favorite snuggle partner? That's great. But he's not your fucking friend. He can't communicate on a human level; the relationship is imbalanced. This is why you can't fuck animals, among other reasons, but my main reasons for not fucking animals is because they can't give their consent by SPEAKING AND STUFF. That's my main gripe. Also I like my animal sex partners to tell me how sexy and good at oral blow jobs I am. LITERALLY NONE OF THEM CAN. Except maybe parrots. But I'd have to tell the parrot to say it first. I would know it wasn't coming from the heart. 

Outcast? Yeah...

But let's not glorify it. He's not about to shoot up his high school. Tilikum is the main whale, right? I love how I got all my facty facts together before writing this. Let's just go with Tilikum being the star. He's the only male whale, right? At least initially. He's in a little ass tank with like two or three other female whales. Apparently, females rule the roost (SORRY) in whale world. 

Hey, real quick, does Sea World or any of these other Sea World-type places know ANYTHING about the animals they harbor? I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK?! A quick goddamn google search would give you all the important facts one who is looking to house some whales would need to know. Like, did they just send their fisherman out to pick up any old thing they found in the sea because they were already called Sea World...so...let's just hurry up and get some shit from the sea so we can hurry up and open so we can collect all dem special edition white people cash money coin dollars$$$$$

Probably the conversation that happened:

SEAWORLD: Hey, we're lookin to open up here a goddamn water zoo. Lookin' to fix 'er up with some water animals. Go out and get us dem dere water animals!

Homeless Guy: Can you spare some change?

SEAWORLD: I'll give you a McDonalds bag full of McGriddles and two hashbrowns (because you get two for a dollar) if you go out and [remembers inexplicable fake undercover accent] get me dem dere water animals fer mah water zoo!

Homeless Guy: I'll do anything for a McGriddle, so yes.

So, the homeless guy gathers up a few of his homeless buddies, promises them his extra McGriddles (though he plans to flee before payment time) and they go out to where a sewage pipe is dumping toilet waste and they scoop some starfish or some shit into a plastic bag that used to have a dead fetus in it and Sea World tis borned. 

Watching the doc, it seemed Sea World and anyone who worked for them knew very little real facts about whales. Actually, Sea World probably did know actual facts about whales but chose to ignore them because MONEY. It's always money. But...I don't understand the mentality of cutting corners, nor do I really understand the MONEY aspect of it. I guess...it'd cost a ton of dough to take care of whales in a proper or, at least, better way? I'm sure it would be more expensive to hire trainers who have like marine biology degrees and shit. You can't pay minimum wage to non-dummies who have a masters in not being a gullible idiot. And, marine biology, like I said.  

This brings me to not feeling bad for any of the talking heads; most of them ex-trainers and people who assisted in capturing the whales used in the shows. REDFLAG #1: You're being paid ten dollars an hour to fuck around in the water with an animal that's name starts with the word KILLER. Hello, is anyone home? That's me knocking on your surely empty skull. 

Look, I am not smart. Which is why I feel comfortable sitting here judging these people. If I'm saying something you've done is FUCKING STUPID then you deserve to feel bad. Ugh, no, I don't want to go too hard on any of them. I can see a lot of the people signing up to be a trainer thinking: "This seems like it could be really fun". And maybe it was? Though a lot of them complained of how strenuous it was. I don't know, but once they started noticing all the horrible stuff going on...why did they stay? Why did anyone stay after they witnessed that one guy being pulled under multiple times?? 

BY THE WAY, that was maybe the most harrowing thing I think I've ever seen in any doc. This wasn't the most harrowing doc I've ever watched overall, but that scene had me like:

Don't ever do that to me again. 

Killer? (Remember how I was taking the BUZZWORDS off the front of the Blackfish poster and putting a question mark after them? The last one was Outcast? Yeah, we're back to that. And it's the last one so three cheers for this mess of a ~review~ almost being over. Secretly you want it to never end, though HAHA) 

So, anyway, KILLER?

Yep a roo diddly doo dog! 

These whales kill mammals. Humans are mammals. Should I put it into a mathematical equation for you to understand? No, I don't feel like it - fuck off. 

But seriously. What is it with people being afraid only of sharks and no other small-medium to extra large sea mammal? I'm sorry, but people should be worried about dolphins, too. Just because something is cute doesn't mean it won't gang rape you. Isn't that like the first thing they list in the rape prevention pamplet you get with your rape kit? Am I wrong about how rape kits work?? 

No, this review is over.

What have I done