What was this? What the fuck was this? No...lemme not act brand new. This is ~Frênch Fìlm~. Literally...all french films are exactly the same. There's fucking uh....fucking. Terrible, awful characters, even (especially) the so-called "likable" and "charming" ones; there's...more fucking. Soup bowls used to drink coffee out of. Water in milk jugs. Weird old-timey looking homes and apartments. No one has storm screens in their windows; Juliette Binoche or Isabelle Huppert; everyone is white; everyone is crazy but because France it's just normal; characters are just fucking like...as personality traits; there's some weird guy with a nose; no one's hair is combed but everyone is hot anyway; pubic hair; fake-deep existentialism; casual maniacal depression made to seem like a fancy perfume commercial - this is all French Film is. There are some exceptions/wild card moments: an occasional Black; horrifically boring sci-fi mixed in with the only mildly boring fake-deep existentialism; someone acknowledges everyone hates Muslims, etc, but the formula is typically adhered to very closely.
This is all to say I love French cinema. Can't get enough, and will watch anything they make. That is not to say I will like everything. I actually hate most of it, but I simply like to be along for the ride, even if the final destination is like, a Japanese internment camp, or an abandoned pet hospital in Chernobyl with radiating German Shepherds running around like mutated wolfbears. I just like...to experience the awfulness. Sometimes I legit like French films, but it'll happen on-accident, and usually end up being some fucked up bullshit that makes me question my entire existence. Like one time I ended up liking this movie with Gérard Depardieu and his nose and it was some shit like he and this dude were thieves? And at one point they both were breastfeeding off this woman they met/possibly raped on a train? And then they had a threesome with I think Jeanne Moreau and she killed herself?????????? And for some reason I was like YAS? Yeah it was an accident. There's no French Film that is OKAY and you can like it and feel fine with yourself. It's actually better for you to watch it for ~the experience~ and end the film "hating" (you just didn't "get it") it, because then you can still maybe feel like a good person at the end of it. Also, it's totally fine to like any film from French-Canada (it's not). They're the Degrassi of French Cinema they don't count, you'll be fine (you won't it's not okay).
So anyway lol thankfully I ended Rendez-vous str8-up lowkey hating it. Lowkey, because I rarely have a passionate feeling either way when I end a French film. I usually just feel vaguely depressed and unmoored but not like clapping or going to jump off a building or anything. The emotion is always in-between the two whether I liked the film or naw. When I ended Rendez-vous I was mostly annoyed that 1. the subtitles for that quote they had up there disappeared too fast for me to read, so I had to rewind, and 2. when I did rewind, I like, still didn't get it? I realized I had actually read the whole quote, it's just I didn't get it? Something about wheat chafe and it grows a fruitful bounty??? I DON'T KNOW!!!
What was this mess about? Sigh, Juliette B plays a shitty actress (shade??) who is looking for an apartment. She's supposed to be really young in this movie, like 18? She's care-free (in a kind of fake way, I think? or just French) and goes to...an apartment realtor or something? and is all like lol sew tired of sleeping on friends couches, I need an apartment! :) But like later we find out she's just been fucking her way through all of Paris and admits she hasn't spent one night alone since she's arrived?? (Girl, grôss??)
The guy who helps her at the apartment-finder place, Paulot, is immediately in love. Cuz she's Juliette Binoche or whatever. Juliette (wtf was her character name idk who cares) invites Paulot to her play. She's a tea and chocolate maid. Like...she's terrible, right? I legit can't tell tho lol like maybe in France she is good, but she is like directly talking to the audience when she delivers her like one line so.....I don't think so? No, she's a shit actress because it's clear she's terrible when she reads later for something more ~serious~ and she's just always being lowkey dragged. So, no, she's bad.
After the play Juliette and Paulot hang out. Juliette has some bae she's living with, and he gets mad she's looking for an apartment. He reveals she's slutty (she's French, wtf did you expect??), and is yelling at her, I guess fed up with her behavior. (She's also like eighteen, so?). Juliette starts packing her bags and leaves off with Paulot.
Paulot takes her back to his place, which he shares with some guy named Quentin, who fulfills the role of Weird Guy With a Nose. Paulot says Juliette can stay on their couch until she finds a place, but Q-dog is right away hostile, makes Juliette uncomfy, and so she ends up fucking off. Paulot walks her over to a motel or something across the street.
At first, because I could not be more predictable, I am into Quentin. He has a weird nose and looks depressed and like he lubricates his breakfast cereal with heroin juice. He's all ~dark~ and ~mysterious~. For like two seconds. I'm not 16 anymore so shit like this doesn't hold much weight anymore and as soon as he breaks into Juliette's motel room and tries to force himself on her I am like girl, I am OVER this. She beats him with her heel and he just like stalks off into the rain and I want to die and for this movie to be over TWENTY MINUTES AGO! :) Idek if at this point the movie has been on for twenty minutes, but I want it rewound to the point that it stops existing.
For some reason, it carries on. Great.
Wtf happens? Oh, of course, Quentin threatens to kill himself if Juliette doesn't pay attention to him or some trite bs. I woulda let that nigga kill himself. Like, he's not that cute, he looks dusty, his hair is uneven, like who cares? Not me! But apparently Juliette does and I am.......so tired.
Quentin takes her to a sex club because of course where he's playing I guess Romeo in some sex club version of Romeo and Juliet and at one point is fucking Juliet in a trapeze net or something? You know what was weird about this French Film? No explicit sex. Like, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE? If you're not going to give me Good Story, whip them dicks out, STOP PLAYING GAMES!
I should be euthanized, but so also should whoever made this movie. So Juliette and ol' boy get to smushin' gushies. Who cares. Then immediately after a maybe cute lil sex thing, Quentin is a dick and a douche, and then he kills himself. Thank GOD! lol Praise the LORDT!
Does the movie improve? *screaming* NO!
Quentin dies and some old guy shows up. Blah blah turns out he's the dad to the girl Quentin killed. He aint really kill the broad. Blah blah Quentin and this chick (the old dude's daughter) starred in I guess some well-renowned play of Romeo and Juliet back in the day and became instant young successes and then apparently they felt they had done all there was to do in life (??????) and decided to kill themselves (¿¿¿¿¿) but Quentin survived? Except his bitch ass I guess kept trying to make attempts over the years blah blah finally he succeeds after fucking Juliette Binoche (shade???).
Dumb.
So Quentin's ghost is haunting Juliette, telling her she's a shit actress and a loser or whatever (where's the lie??). The old dude is putting on a new revival or whatever of Romeo and Juliet, and trolls the play by casting Juliette as Juliet. Quentin's ghost is like Bitch, you BET NOT play Juliet, but he is not even being unreasonable, she is...so terrible.
Another part of the story is Paulot has been wanting to smash Juliette but she isn't into it? She friendzones him instantly and he's all in his feelings and then at the end of the movie when Juliette is at her utmost desperate and loneliest she finally offers her body to Paulot, which he takes, but is like spitting on her and being mean?? Sooooo. And then they go to eat and it's awkward because just before they were having that weird, horrible sex. Then Juliette invites him to her play. He rips up the ticket and you can assume the Simp has graduated to Not So Simp? I guess spitting...the spitting thing helped??...
When the spitting thing was happening all I could wonder was if Juliette Binoche was cool with that (she's French, so prob) and then also that scene when Quentin was like thrashing her?? Was Juliette the Actress, like FINE with that? I am disturbed by what maybe she went through to film this, but even more so by the thought that she was prob cool with the whole deal. How very...French.
Look, this movie was boring. I don't care about horrible things if they're interesting, but they weren't here? That is the main crime: dullness. But again, I mainly care about the ride itself, boring or not. I wish I wasn't like this. But movies, sadly, are school for me. I learn something new every day. Like for instance, in this film, I learned Juliette doesn't shave her armpits (girl me neither, I need to move to French Place), and also that I cannot tell the difference between Real French People and people who are Not French, but can speak it. Was Quentin, like, British? For some reason I thought he looked American (and really out of place), but British makes even more sense. So much horrible sense. But anyway, when will I die?
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