The Girl Who Had Everything (1953)

Everything? I don't know about all that. First of all, how the fuck old was Jean supposed to be? I assumed over 18, but her age seemed really important for me to know to be able to determine her exact standing in life and put into context how fucked up to very fucked up it was that everyone (mainly her dad + beau) kept trying to tell this bitch what (or whom) she should or should not be doing. Like, it's not as if this bitch was in college or anything to allow me some sort of time frame. If she was anything over the age of nineteen, I'm utterly disgusted. But not surprised because 1953. 

Jean has a dad. She calls him Steve. They seem to have a pretty good relationship I guess. He lets her do whatever, I guess, and he seems to be semi-monied, so Jean prob gets a cute allowance which she obviously uses to buy her super cute dresses to swish about in living her carefree ass upper-middle class richie girl lifestyle. She also has a beau: Vance. He opposes the faux-free reign Jean's dad allows her. When they're married, Vance says, "I will lock this pre-Burton days goddess up in a cage I keep in my basement and almost always have a black tarp covering it so she think it's nighttime forever and stays asleep. Asleep is the number one quality I look for in a potential life partner. And by partner, I mean the exact opposite of that word. 1953." Vance wants to get married right away, but Jean expresses hesitation. She doesn't want to settle down yet, and finds the idea of meal-planning and fucking Gig Young for the rest of her life, boring at best. Gig/Vance is all "Day to day living: that's the real excitement of life" with a straight face. Also, at the end (which we'll (who's we'll??) get to), Jean's daddy reiterates this...sentiment, like, word for word. Quite early on, the movie is attempting to make some sort of point. Which is, I think, stop wanting stuff you don't already have or that is semi-medium easy to extra-difficult to obtain. Or else you'll end up...almost marrying some dude in the mafia???

SPEAKING OF NONSENSICAL SHIT: This movie. But wait, first, let's intro Fernando Lamas. When I read the description for this movie on OnDemand I knew straight away Lamas was playing the client of William Powell's character, who is a criminal attorney. Not because I was familiar with Lamas before this film, because I wasn't really, but because his was the only ethnic-sounding name listed in the cast credits. And by ethnic, I mean not white. At least, not the right white. Vic has a mega accent, and not an okay kind like that weird mid-Atlantic one literally everyone else has. He's Latin. DANGEROUS. You can tell by how fucking high he wears his swim trunks.  

(not from the movie, but basically)

Anyway, Jean sees this swaggy nigga on television being brought up on...gambling charges? HEY, LOOK, I HAD NO IDEA THIS NOT-RICKY RICARDO ASS PIECE OF SHIT WAS IN THE MOB. Seriously, was I supposed to?! The whole time until we got to the scenes in NY I was wondering why the dad was so anti-Vic. The gambling stuff didn't seem all that serious to me. It just came off as a ~cost of doing business~ type scenario. (?????) But, APPARENTLY, the whole time, this Bolivian dungaroo is the head of some notorious crime mob. Like, seriously. And the dad knows! And doesn't say shit to his daughter about it...??????!?! He's just like: GIVE BACK THAT HORSE, YOU SLUT. 

Oh, wait, skipped some shit. So...Jean/Liz thinks Vic/Llamas is a cutie pie banana boat. Llamas, duh, thinks the same of Liz. They fuck. They keep fucking, despite very vague, super passive protests from Jean's dad and that dude she was fucking before Llamas swam up from Not-America directly into her vaginal canal. I wish this was one of those creepy movies where there's unintentionally (or secretly intentionally coughGildacough) some read between the lines incest and/or gay shit type feelings motivating a character's jealousy or disapproval. Like, if I even a little bit shipped Powell + Taylor's characters this movie would've been way more enjoyable. In the slapping scene I got zero creepy daddy-daughter vibes. I blame Powell for looking like the first Dad ever invented, or a cartoon of a human man who is also a rodent (take your pick), and also I blame weak sauce acting/writing. Everything was detached as fuck and almost pointless in execution. Why did you bother with this and why was Llamas the best part despite being all over the place and annoying me with his stupid face? Pre-Burton Liz is really beautiful, but so not my cup of tea, acting-wise. Give me bloated, braying Liz any day. Actually, she's pretty good in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Butterfield 8, but I still love fat Liz the best. Early 1950s Liz? No bueno. 

Where was I? This ~review~ is a mess, like my life and inside of my head and soul, but so is this movie, so...apropos. (Get help). Liz and Llamas are about to get married when Llamas' gang friends get word that Powell plans to expose all their thug-ass secrets. Llamas' plan to shut Powell up is to marry Liz immediately. The gang's plan is to murder his dumb ass. I really liked that shot with his dumb dead body in the car (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!) and the traffic light thing says GO with the cars behind Llamas' car honking their horns like MOOOOOVE, DAMN! It was cliche or whatever, but whatever. I'll take what I can get. Anyway, at the end Powell + Taylor give awkward press interviews about Tony Soprano meets Gus Fring's assassination. Taylor acts really hard/bad at feigning semi-despondency about her former fiance's current dead ass state. She makes some weird comment like, "Growing up isn't easy, is it?" YEAH, I yelled at the TV, EX-MAFIA MEMBER/FIANCE MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD: GROWING PAINS. Yes, I yell at the TV. No, the people inside it can't hear me. Yes, I have to remind myself of this often. No, I don't like fucking fruit in my yogurt. It's disgusting - stop it. Also at the end, as I said earlier, Powell's character reiterates the line Gig Young said about how daily routine is what living is all about. Which is extremely depressing. But, also, is that this movie's message? Why go about illustrating it in this way? It's so extreme to have it end in a drive-by mafia hit. Are you trying to super-scare all the regular people at home watching into complacency? Oh, boy, best not stray too far from the path oft traveled less I meet some "mongrel" like Llamas and...well, nothing will happen to me, directly, but my exotic boytoy will def get murdered. Which, I don't know, doesn't really sound all that bad now that I think about it. Elizabeth Taylor seems fine. I'll just get another Latin Lover. This time he will be Cuban. Or, dare I say it, Mexican. However, I will not be able to tell the difference. (-imagined thought process of audience members from 1953-2014)

Closing note on this mess: I definitely felt like people hated Llamas because he was foreign. Powell's character def called him a mongrel, like for real, to his face. He said some other shit, too, that seemed a little...anti-Latin swag. But then they revealed Llamas was in the mob and I had to roll my eyes at the movie attempting to override their previous racism while coming off more racist in the process. Good job; just kidding. I don't think I actually understand what the fuck the purpose of a closing note is, but it almost certainly wasn't this. Like, did I just posit a legitimate topic of concern, that could have had a full-length essay written about it, in like two sentences at the end of a long ass ramblethon full of nothingness??? Good job just kidding part deux. Part dos for any of you mongrels reading.